rude awakenings

You are my phantom limb. You're there in an awkward limbo, a not-quite-memory. I wish I wasn't too weak to help. Nowadays my life is disconcertingly simple. I can't get used to it. The simplicity is so complicated, so confusing that I can't comprehend it. My brain is subconsciously searching for faults, grown accustomed to cracked sidewalks and leaky faucets. Finding none, I almost feel empty. I feel there is something missing, but it's probably for the best. I'm still keeping my secrets, the way I always do, only for the sake the of safety in routine. They've decreased in size, in importance, mere flesh wounds, nothing fatal that would fester the tissues of my mind. My mind is less cluttered, more emotionally sound than it's ever been. I feel I have been healed of these wounds of the past, but the scars remain, sometimes they itch, just begging for me to reopen them. Bring the memories back. What happened happened and couldn't have happened any othe...

Had the best night last night. I convinced my parents to let me sleep over at scott's band member's party, and Ihada blast. All dressed in 80's best, both men and women wearing tight clothes and bright make up. Me and scott had three quarters of a two six of gin between ourselves, smoked some double apple sheesha, then I made him accompany me to the washroom where I proceded to puke. Feeling better afterwards and refusing to stay sick, we went back to the party and hung out for a few more minutes until I made him accompany me back to the washroom again to puke. After that I felt much better and we all went out to the park nearby and played drunk grounders. Then a few of us went and hot boxed scott's car while, in absolute perfect timing, bohemian rapsody came on the radio and we rocked out wayne's world style extremely blitzed. After that we went back to the party, hung out, a few of the guys were on chatroulette which quickly turned too awkward to watch. eventually...

I'm working on a new idea. It will be great fun. mixing science with philosophy. best part about it? I though it up laying naked beside my love in the late hours of the night. He tells me I have elloquence that I can perfectly find the words for the feelings we both feel

I cant shake the feeling that this is going to be so incredibly hard. And I'm afraid of the potency of the things I'm feeling. Emotion is such a trippy thing. Able to make or break us. I want to flourish in the sunshine of your love but I feel like I'll be crushed by the boot heel of the world before my leaves start to grow. Before I can turn your light into the sweetest sugar. Before my roots can anchor me in the rocky ground of life to help me keep composure in a flash flood of difficult circumstance. I want to grow tall despite all odds. I want to bear the fruit of my efforts, showing it off to those who are hungry, inticing them to eat, and letting the seeds of inspiration grow within them so that they can continue the life cycle

You know what I want? I want “true love” and “marriage” and “soulmates” to stop being just words, ideas with no relation to my life. I want to realize that I’m coming to the end of one chapter and turning the page to the next. And with the new beggining it’s more about the future in regards to ’right now’. And less about the past. This is a transition where it’s acceptable to start thinking about “5 years down the road” and thinking about you still there beside me. But I’m having hard relating the check list that the adults in my life have completed, to my life. Settling down happens. Marriage happens. People find people perfect for them. It’s not an unusual occurance. And no matter how much I want to think about my future, I can’t seem to let go of my past. It’s catching up to me just when I thought I was home free. Sometimes I feel your arms around me and I want to push you away with all my force But I remember that you’re not here. That someone much better is in your place. And I do...