I have troubles accepting things as they are. I'm always trying to place events and feelings into strict categories, where if it's not one it's the other, but it's never like that. I can't accept the beauty of imperfection, though that's what life is all about. I'm always looking for justification and for deeper meaning when maybe there's only face value, or things aren't meant to fit perfectly. This problem arises in the endless search for "the one". All of my close friends, and myself, search for something permanent and meaningful, someone perfect to spend eternity with. Who knows what's out there, maybe there isn't that "perfect" soulmate, there will always be differences, but the way we cope with the differences between us is what makes us able to love and be loved, open ourselves up and be vulnurable to someone. Vulnurable..Such a scary thought yet a completely liberating one. I have problems letting go. Be it emotional baggage, a severe attachment to some element in my life, or be it letting go of inner barriers or inhibitions. I've built myself up to cope with this ugly world and I'm afraid to loosen the bolts, in fear of completely falling to shambles. So I keep myself tightly together and when I find someone I could open myself up to I have to make sure it's something lasting incase I'm ripped open and I need them to not be afraid of what is deep inside my mind, and be able to fix me again.
Don't give up. I'm only starting to see the gravity of your situation. the extent of your damnation. In short I don't blame you for your frivolous disposition. I blame myself for not being enough to change it. That came out wrong. I can't, nor do I want to, change you. I just wish I was insentive enough to make you wish to change. Or maybe change is non-existant. I want you to grow. You're playing a static and stagnant role whilst I am flourishing and thriving. I know I'm not the same as I was when we were first in love, but the change is amplified relative your inert stance. I've always cared about you, but that too has been altered by the hand of circumstance. I've known countless feelings for you, attachment, love, lust, caring, anguish, concern. I've always felt something for you. Now it's stronger than ever before. No more silly juvenile notions of "love". I care for you like a sister, a mother, a lover, a friend. You say you don...
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