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sadness is nothing more than the cost of being able to smile once and a while

I feel disillusioned. Unsure. Afraid. I guess the mask is slipping. The chemical imbalances are strong and they pull me under with greedy fingers. And I greedily comply. I hate how I'm so complicated. I hate confusing myself, and having no one to untie the knots of complexity. Just a neat little blanket to cover it all up. A beautiful distraction. I thought it would all go away. That I had found the cure. A vaccine instead of mere painkillers that make me turn a blind eye to something that continues regardless. But it was merely a speed bump. You are a rumble strip causing the vehicle of my mental unravelling to slow. The gas pedal pressure was relieved but the brake was left lonely. There is never any abrupt stop. Just transitions from one state of mind to the other. I played blissfully in your gardens but the rain is coming yet again as the foot comes back down crushing the pedal. And I'm frantically searching for some shelter. I want to crawl inside you and wrap myself in your skin next to the furnace of your heart that beats out a sweet lullaby and eases me into rest. But if I do that I'm afraid I'll need you too much. The fabric of my being will grow into the pores of your skin and when distances drive a wedge in the cracks of space between us I'll be ripped to pieces, torn between staying and leaving.
But let's not talk about faretheewells now, the night is a starry dome.
Lets just lay on the roof of your car and stare up from the ocean floor. waiting for the angler fish, who's light is the moon, to devour us. Maybe we'll end up like Jonas in the whale. Able to crawl out of this sludge that ,the world has laid upon us.
The vibrations of your energy cracks my foundation wrought in iron and falls away in rust. I'm left raw and skeletal yet light as a feather as the weight of my past is devoured in the light of your love. I think I'm delving too deep, diving in the shallows when the sign told me not to. I ram head first into you, trying to find something I don't have reason to believe is really there. It's not your fault, It's all mine. I don't know what makes me act the way I do. I wish to god I did. then I wouldn't have to run tracks in my mind writing things that gleam no conclusions.

I'm sorry for this. I'm sorry I keep saying I'm sorry. Dropping the word at every trivial and meaningless turn on the road.
Apology should grow like trees. only able to bear fruit if it's roots are planted in the soil of genuine sincerity.
But I am sorry.
I love you.

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