mother

The mind works in mysterious ways. Today two things threw rocks in my pond that I'd finally gotten smooth. Crazy, how the past can just creep up on you, tap you on the shoulder and rear its ugly face. Because no matter how much you've progressed, the past still happened the way it did. It's been six months since I've seen you and I haven't thought of you in much of a way since then. But I hate how it all changes. I get that nervous butterfly feeling all over again. I'd much rather ignore your very existence; but that's not possible. Lets see how well I can keep my stupid stupid heart at bay. I know I can do it, I'd never do anything. Never have and never will. I stay true to the ones that I've given my heart to, and it is now taken by the most amazing man I've ever met. There's no fear. It's that silly crush feeling that never amounts to anything, yet my brain seems to think it's something worth attention. I hate it. It's the feeling that got me into his mess in the first place.
Why do I fall in love with every man I see who shows me the least bit of attention?
You weren't right. I memorized the contours of your face as you laid beside me with your eyes seamed shut. Your skin reflected the light, a pale statue lain in marble, immovable. I wondered if I could feel your pulse if I tried, but I let you be, and I laid you to rest for good as you laid your feet in the south eastern hemisphere.
But now that you're back the memories keep flooding back as well, memories I'd rather forget.

I don't even know why I wrote this blog entry. Guess I just had to get it out of my head. Well, it's gone now, but you're not. I guess the real test is seeing you in person to return you what you lent me, I'm just hoping it'll be in a big crowd of people so I don't have to talk to you that much.