Skip to main content

dumptruck

Ive been really clumsy lately. breaking class, then cutting myself with it trying to clean up. knocking things over, dropping things, slipping. it's really frustrating. i think it comes with stress. like there's a problem syncing my mind and my body and it's resulting in miscommunications to my fingers and lots of broken things. I was always that kid who'd spill her glass of water at the restaurant. the hopeless case at times. it's frustrating. because the more it happens the worse i feel, the worse i feel the more it happens.
I'm in a funk. things affect me so much, and I've been overloaded with food for thought lately. the drummer of the KGB has waning interest, and I really don't want to see them compromised, the KGB is such a good band, and it means so much to Scott, and by association, me.
and of course, Kaeleigh is now the mother of a healthy baby girl, Aurora. It wont hit me until I meet her, and that most likely wont be for quite a while. Everything is happening all around me, and I'm sitting still, surrounded by it all. I feel like such a bum right now. Sweats and a flannel plaid shirt, slumped on my bed in my dirty room with my laptop. When I start to feel sorry for myself, then it starts to get bad. I can't do that to myself, but it's so god damned alluring.
I need to do something artistic. I need to write a poem, paint a picture, play music, or dance my heart out. I have so many options for artistic voice but i haven't really committed to anything. Art projects bloom in my mind and rarely every make it to the physical world. I have the beginnings of a painting sitting on my floor that's been doing just that, sitting, for weeks. I've written two good poems lately, but cant write anything new that I can bring into my poetry class and work on proffesionally. I got a piano book for christmas and havent opened it since.
ugh. ok, computer, you hopeless little screen, time to get turned off so i can do something productive, and get my hands dirty with paint.


I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

enter the struggler

Don't give up. I'm only starting to see the gravity of your situation. the extent of your damnation. In short I don't blame you for your frivolous disposition. I blame myself for not being enough to change it. That came out wrong. I can't, nor do I want to, change you. I just wish I was insentive enough to make you wish to change. Or maybe change is non-existant. I want you to grow. You're playing a static and stagnant role whilst I am flourishing and thriving. I know I'm not the same as I was when we were first in love, but the change is amplified relative your inert stance. I've always cared about you, but that too has been altered by the hand of circumstance. I've known countless feelings for you, attachment, love, lust, caring, anguish, concern. I've always felt something for you. Now it's stronger than ever before. No more silly juvenile notions of "love". I care for you like a sister, a mother, a lover, a friend. You say you don...
2 comments
Read more

i dont know where im going with this

no one ever needs anything. they only want. "i need to get atleast 75 on this test" no. you want it. because you want a good mark because you want your mark to go up..ect." you want it because you dont want the alternative. aka failing. you dont need to go to school. you probably should, you probably should want to, but you dont need to. lets get a more exagerated example "you need to take this medicine for your illness or else you'll die." you might think this is a flaw in my theory. but it isnt. you want to take the medicine because you dont want the alternative; death. but you dont need to take it. you never need to do anything.
2 comments
Read more

I wish I could

I'm a moon person too. But I'm too caught up in my petty securities and routines to wander the streets at night
4 comments
Read more