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last ma phone

And im lost. left grappling, reeling in this absence. i feel... empty. alone and unprepared. what if i miss something. someone is trying to contact me and I cannot reply. But why does it vex me so? i am tense, to borrow a word, ever wondering what is happening on my cell, which lies somewhere in a house on the other side of town, found or unfound, sitting. possibly ringing. probably silent and no one is missing me or me their messages. yet i can't relax. How will i contact my friend tomorrow on break? how will i tell the time? Why did i ever stop wearing a watch? because my cellphone was always there. it was dependable, a part of me i never left home without. i was constantly in the thick of it. at the touch of a finger i could summon anyone. plan anything. meet up with anyone without a hitch. but now....i've dropped off the grid. I am untouchable. i should revel in this, my few hours of freedom. i have an excuse to be absent. relax and not bother with anyone. let them find me if they so wish, but it will be harder. and only the truly important will be communicated. only with true need will i be called upon. no flimsy hellos and how are yous and i'm bored please talk to me's. back to basics. but still. i am afraid of my invisibility. I quest for the meaningful interactions, the things that make time float easier by. i have created a second state of being, of being here nor there, but in both places half way so. never quite truly dedicated to my state of being. my presence was split, sitting on a fence between two places, barely balancing. but now i have the chance to immerse myself completely, take a break from the habit that ripped my concentration in half. it was an excuse. an escape route. i could check myself out at anytime when life wasn't all that I wanted. it was a habit, i'll admit it, a treat when each text arrived, and id dive for my phone every time it showed a sign of outside life. i couldnt quit it, couldnt see why I shouldnt have it.
but here i am. unable to connect with this other dimension, and i'm starting to reflect, This is a good thing. Free my mind so i can focus on the now, not always one step ahead, head in the clouds, eyes looking down as i walk eyes fixed on this hopeless little screen. I can look up. And i think i'll like what I see.

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