zip.

I dread human contact. I absolutely hate it. I hate having to think of something to say, hate having to feign interest and sympathy. It's a stressful situation and I don't even know why. I guess it's the culmination of all my antisocial tendencies over the years. Once you get into a habit it gets harder and harder to change as time goes by. I've always been the shy one, the quiet one. The exception is my friends. I'm talkative and at ease with the people I like. I love my friends and I love having friends, but I dread making them. It's like it's too much effort to be worth it. All the awkward getting to know eachothers and stuff, I'd rather just avoid it completely. But it's getting me into trouble. People think I'm arrogant, too good to talk to them. Or that I hate them. Such is the case with my mother. She's been living at her parent's house, and so I rarely see her. That suited me fine, because less interactions the better. So whenever she's over I guess I'm shyer than normal, and my go to response is to say a quick hello, and to go into my room. Not because I hate her, but because I hate confrontation of any kind. I'm so used to just sloughing off interactions, opting for silence instead. It's like it's too much energy, too much I dont even know what, to talk to people, and what harm will not talking do, really? I try to convince myself that I can continue on this way. I'm so set in my ways that it's so hard to change. But now that my mother is mad at me because she thinks I hate her, I'm faced with a tough decision. Break out of my shell and talk to her, ask her about her day even though I don't care (I'm terrible) even though it's way out of my comfort zone and I really don't want to. Or I can keep doing what I do, becoming a socially inept recluse who doesn't talk to anyone unless it's completely necessary. Ugh, This sucks.