rude awakenings

its getting better all the time [can't get no worse] la la la. streaming streams of consciousness no rearranging or editing just the raw first impressions, first words first ideas. who knows what will come out, who cares. they're just words, so easily forgotten or remembered, it all depends on whoever wants what. I don't want anything most of the time. everything can shape me, influence me change me. I let everything under my skin too deep and it seeps in and takes over. mottles the original, the prior. before. before never matters, only in a sense of relativity to chart a certain progress, or lack of. Sometimes nothing seems to be moving forward, or in any direction for that matter. Like I'm stuck in mud, trying so hard to run until my legs give out but they're dragging through tons and tons of substance, feelings, emotions, memories, fears and tribulations. these inhibitions a safety net, soft to fall back on, lest we try too hard to leave everything and end up o...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDhGqgck3oE

And i find comfort in the distorting reality that this drink has on me. how for a few precious moments I can leave the mundane, the normal. yet I feel trapped in the fact it wont last and there's no way to make it last. And a panic to make each little second matter, before I fall back into the normalcies.

I remember she would blame it on hormones. Raging teenaged hormonal imbalances. Silly, when you look at it like that. Only a bunch of chemicals shaping the way we view the day. All the problems seem so inconsequential when only simple molecules are to blame. Not sure what happened, why I woke up in a slump. Nothing to blame, really. These things happen every so often. Maybe there might be something the matter, but what does it matter? In retrospect I'm not the crippled one. I'm not the one who needs help. It's a complicated feeling. That I shouldn't be caught up in my own petty wallowings. That I need to put myself aside because I'm not as important. It's almost comforting, also confusing. It's true but it isn't but I don't even know.

The step was finally taken. And as the dust cloud partially receded the clarity of mind that followed was not welcomed. The gravity of the decision never quite weighed so hard. Here I am, starting a new chapter, alone. No one by my side unconditionally. The aspect of the greater good is so hard to follow, the suffering between now and the end is bitter and unrellenting. A large part of me was lost last night. a part that I never knew belonged to him. Ripped apart, to the deepest tissues of my being. Yet the strength, though nearly a feeble glow, will warm my frozen soul and battered heart.