good enough for now

You are a shadow now. And I can't conjure the image that was printed on my eyelids after each breath between us. The words I draw are heavy and reluctant, hanging onto the tissues of my mind with tiny frozen fingers. I feel I need to put you to phrases. But I've thrown all my effort into forgetting it all. Pushed my shoulder against the door to keep your memory out. Put the blinders made of distance up because I didn't want to hurt. I didn't need to see the destruction lain in my wake, the razor blades of silence, pins and needles of new love. You're numb and alone and So thick in my dust as I sped off that I don't see you. Because I turned my back. Out of sight, out of my mind, but I know I sat in yours, fermenting, stewing in God knows what. And I've rooted a poison in you. because I turned my back. And I tore you down, I ripped you up and sent you to the wind. And I have searched for those fragments but the time has snatched them away from me and it served me right. Because I turned my back, and the world went on behind it. I didn't want the problems of another clamoring in my head, i was trying to prevent the premature death of my found soft silence. I turned away from each piercing smile each sodden tear each silly word written on paper and sent to you. I took away those promises of forever and the poems of true love. Obsolete ideas, I paid them no mind, they held no weight. Turned away from the safety in your arms, hidden in the eye of the storm as hell broke loose around us. I blamed it on change, the inevitability as time passes and tears the canvas down with relentless fingernails. I began to walk away, expecting my Resistance but the friction was minimal and my walk turned into a run and soon I found myself miles away from the thought of you. Lost in new waters as the tide of new temptations pulled me from your shore. Lost and drowning in another's ocean-eyes, tips of my toes just barely grazing the sands of safety and familiarity. Never standing still, my roots have been up heaved. My home in your arms was burned to the ground by a flame I though had died, and now I'm a vagabond of love, travelling the silent woods of men's hearts, leaving faint traces but too afraid to let these roots grow in the soil of another. The pain I caused, the splitting of two souls made one. Half of me gone with the wind in a million pieces. I couldn't bear to lose much more. I was left a broken profile of an exuberant young girl. Left with the qualities unfit to be sent out as gifts. My insecurities and weaknesses, my vain and silly composure. So Instead I went in search of gain. Stealing emotions from the unwary, like collecting charms on a bracelet that I'll sell one day on eBay. Bought and sold and bought again, these tokens of love I was too afraid to call by its real name. The implications it would bring. I was afraid of the chaining qualities of words and feelings and I was too addicted to freedom to comply. I guarded my heart with a steady eye, but I was lonely. My soul was naked and alone and it cried out for another. And I was torn between the head and the heart and an insatiable neediness. So I threw my heart out again, and waited for someone to break it, again. Half hoping somehow this time I'd get it right. But I added another notch in that lipstick case, another half of me gone, now I'm left a grimy tarnished quarter. No shine left, sitting on the sidewalk, trodden and unseen, waiting for another soul to pick me up. again.