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Today's the day

Well, tomorrow I suppose, in all officiality, but for me, tonight was the last I'd ever see of him. Plane leaves at 9 something tomorrow morning, and he's off on an adventure of a lifetime, or something very close. I never knew how I'd react and I didn't put much thought into it until I had to. Until I was standing there, with my hand still lingering on the front door as I watched him walk down my front steps and to the awaiting car. I felt the welling emotion and I knew it bore no good. I walked to the window seat and watched the car drive away. Watched the boy I'd almost fell in love with drive out of my life. I broke down in muffled sobs, spilling forth from a pain I never thought I'd feel for him. I saw in the reflection of the window my mother coming up behind me slowly, and she sat beside me and put her arms around me and let me cry into them. The tears pushed forth in a stronger wave of outpouring as I toyed with the thought of never having his arms around me again. And I cried for each wasted opportunity I'd left between us, too afraid to do what I'd always wanted. Even in those last few minutes that he were still mine, the trepidation was so stubborn I could not reach out and kiss him like I'd wanted to for so long. I let that moment fall because of my silly childish fears, and there's no picking it back up. No dusting it off and trying again. Any possibility is now dead. But each memory is so much alive and hurts me with their sharpness. They will fade and dull with time as is the way with most everything. But it will be hard to accustom to the lack of excitement of his promise, of his warmth beside me. Never again will I hear his heartbeat with my head on his chest. Never again will I grimace at a bad joke or punch him playfully in the arm when he'd mock me. Never again. I know we weren't perfect. We weren't destined for anything remarkable. I am almost thankful for this interjection. I am afraid of the chains of relationships. Fearful of commitment like a silly juvenile girl. No matter. I have no choice but to move on and forget it all. It's all over now, baby blue. The sky will be a little duller without my sun king.

my eyes were soft with sadness... "hey that's no way to say goodbye.."

But this will hurt for a while.

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