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and I need you now....

We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us.

This quote blew my mind, and just stirred up all the muck that is modern society from the bottom of the clear pool that is this world. 9-5, in out in out, clocking in, zoning out. working endless dead end jobs to scrape by with the measly slips of paper they (and who are they, anyways?) give us in return for being the hamsters in the wheel, the rowers in a slave ship making their slow progression to nowhere.

I am so disillusioned with our society. It may be in part by my disappointment in myself at my stupid mistakes made in university. Life just seems so difficult at times, and I feel stuck in an uncomfortable limbo, knowing I've made a mistake but having to wait a month to right it. I'm so hard on myself. I always challenge myself, probably because if I fail I still know I succeeded more than other people I know. But I've set my self up for surmisable failure. I'm putting the pressure of so much weight onto my shoulders, which already hurt so much. I always set these goals but get distracted or tired and never fulfill them. Last year my plan was to force myself through the pain of a bachelor of science degree, then to relax once it's over. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm a little ways into my second semester and I feel godawful. I was unsure of my decision for the first time yesterday. People go to university for what they love. I love the arts, and I love nature. I've been discouraged from the arts so I thought it would be cool to do sciences. Learn about the earth. But I have to put up with calculus chemistry and physics before I can get to anything interesting. and who's to say it will even be interesting? I am filling my head with so much information that will never be retained. My strained mind is a sieve, only holding onto the big concepts, the ones that hold on to the tissues of my brain with ropes of enticement and strong emotion. If only the butterflies I get could count for credits, if that rush of elation I feel at his closeness could go on my resume, if only. If only, if only.

I'm at such a loss. I'm afraid of how much you've become a part of me. Sometimes I almost forget. I take it for granted, built up an immunity to the amazement of the situation. But when I'm next to you I never want to leave. You make me feel beautiful. You make me believe. I want you like nothing else. It scares me to think what would have happened in my life if I'd decided to just go to krista's new year's party. Where I would be right now.

We all want to believe in meant-to-be,
to make sense of life's difficulty,
to add meaning to calamity.
to decipher the chaotic mess
soothe the uncertainty and distress
believing there's a secret for success.
or that it's all just fate,
that there's such thing as a soul-mate
and that it will all turn out great,
that our life's already all planned,
because it makes life easier to understand.

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