I looked back at blog entries, and even though the subject matter was less than pleasant to be reminded of, it was still good, I'm glad I have written reminders so I have points of reference to gauge my growth. And I've come far. I often feel like I've had three stages in my life. The first was with Brent, and though I was a newborn in love's eyes, I soon grew to an extremely old age. My heart was always cracked and my spirit became dulled. I became clogged with darkness, became tired and dragged myself through the days. But I never stopped. I stubbornly sacrificed myself each day for someone whom I thought it was going to help. I was wrong. The first day of my second stage was the day I stopped caring about him and finally focused on myself. I was free, and I was drunk with it. Too drunk. I dove into something that made me happy, too quick. I soon realized there were other ways to get hurt. this stage wasn't that defining, though I began to learn to take things as they come. The third and present stage began the day I met Scott.
it was also the day my best friend moved away. It taught me that there's always an opportunity to find new love. It taught me I can be happy, without someone else being unhappy because of it. That day was 11 months ago exactly. So much has changed in my life since then. So much change for the better. Every day I am reminded of this. Even something is simple as getting a drive from school. Or going over to Scott's house in my break. Stability and reassurance are things I've been craving my whole life. I've found them. Here is someone who has their feet on the ground. Who has a car, can hold down a job, is renting a house and going to school. Being responsible. This may sound weird but it's a big turn on. I crave for security. I know this man of mine has a head on his shoulders, and I can count on him, but more so he can count on himself. I don't have to watch over him like I've had to in the past with others. It's a beautiful, freeing feeling. There's so much I don't need to worry about, and I can finally relax. I don't need to worry about finding my way home, or having a place to hang out, because Scott is there for me.
I'm really excited for growing up, becoming responsible.
I'm no longer afraid of the future, because I realize it wont dump itself on me all at once. I've noticed small changes. I can make decisions for myself without seeking others help. My parents are letting me do more, and I'm not taking advantage of it. With Scott and his roommates having their house, I get a heartwarming feeling of self reliance. That even though these guys are incredibly immature, they're growing up as well and faring well. They're almost a family, a family which I'm slowly working my way into. Finding a new older group of friends is exciting. Being accepted is even better. I feel welcome with them. I feel relaxed. I used to be so anxious when I was out of my comfort zone. When I was up in the North East with Brent walking long distances stoned to train stations and bus stops. Or finding myself in Ogden at a high school party, not sure how I would get home. I would panic, but most of it had to do with my parents, when they wanted me home. Now, I can stay out till 3, and as long as Scott's with me I can do what ever I want. It comes back to stability. My parents trust him, they see he's responsible.
I've finally found the right one. I've found that person who makes me happy. Who makes me feel safe, beautiful, and in love. He's the one who makes me want to be a better person. He makes me want to do all that I can for him, not because he needs it or wants it, but because it's the least I can do. It's because I want to. Because making him happy fills me with simple joy. This is a love I see going far, and going places. I can see myself slowly making a home. Not a physical one, but a mental one. He is my roof and my four walls. Our love is the foundation. Our love is a catalyst, the wind in our sails. I don't know where it will take me, but I know it will take me somewhere good. Because the future doesn't hit you hard. it comes one day at a time, and as long as I always stay in places that make me happy, the future can be nothing but bright.
it was also the day my best friend moved away. It taught me that there's always an opportunity to find new love. It taught me I can be happy, without someone else being unhappy because of it. That day was 11 months ago exactly. So much has changed in my life since then. So much change for the better. Every day I am reminded of this. Even something is simple as getting a drive from school. Or going over to Scott's house in my break. Stability and reassurance are things I've been craving my whole life. I've found them. Here is someone who has their feet on the ground. Who has a car, can hold down a job, is renting a house and going to school. Being responsible. This may sound weird but it's a big turn on. I crave for security. I know this man of mine has a head on his shoulders, and I can count on him, but more so he can count on himself. I don't have to watch over him like I've had to in the past with others. It's a beautiful, freeing feeling. There's so much I don't need to worry about, and I can finally relax. I don't need to worry about finding my way home, or having a place to hang out, because Scott is there for me.
I'm really excited for growing up, becoming responsible.
I'm no longer afraid of the future, because I realize it wont dump itself on me all at once. I've noticed small changes. I can make decisions for myself without seeking others help. My parents are letting me do more, and I'm not taking advantage of it. With Scott and his roommates having their house, I get a heartwarming feeling of self reliance. That even though these guys are incredibly immature, they're growing up as well and faring well. They're almost a family, a family which I'm slowly working my way into. Finding a new older group of friends is exciting. Being accepted is even better. I feel welcome with them. I feel relaxed. I used to be so anxious when I was out of my comfort zone. When I was up in the North East with Brent walking long distances stoned to train stations and bus stops. Or finding myself in Ogden at a high school party, not sure how I would get home. I would panic, but most of it had to do with my parents, when they wanted me home. Now, I can stay out till 3, and as long as Scott's with me I can do what ever I want. It comes back to stability. My parents trust him, they see he's responsible.
I've finally found the right one. I've found that person who makes me happy. Who makes me feel safe, beautiful, and in love. He's the one who makes me want to be a better person. He makes me want to do all that I can for him, not because he needs it or wants it, but because it's the least I can do. It's because I want to. Because making him happy fills me with simple joy. This is a love I see going far, and going places. I can see myself slowly making a home. Not a physical one, but a mental one. He is my roof and my four walls. Our love is the foundation. Our love is a catalyst, the wind in our sails. I don't know where it will take me, but I know it will take me somewhere good. Because the future doesn't hit you hard. it comes one day at a time, and as long as I always stay in places that make me happy, the future can be nothing but bright.
Comments
i do quite miss this.
GROWIn' Up Is SoMeThin ElsE Ehhh???
it doesn't stopppp