mother

the house is empty but my mind is full. rampant with every day ramblings forming a kaleidoscope collage of every day living. i think that's why I've had a headache for three days. and scott's got me feeling guilty for taking Tylenol. which is probably a good thing. I enjoy painkillers, because I am so often in pain. and so often i can't handle it. there are a few things i can't handle. pain, conversations, people being angry with me. I try and avoid conflict as much as possible, but that's a fool's errand. I'm living a lie, but I do it well. But every now and then the walls crumble and I'm left asphyxiated in the dust. choking on my tears as the all too familiar depression worms its way in to my chest. I often find myself wrapped in Scott's arms running a broken record through my head. The sadness is addictive and I'm lured in, but then i hate myself for it, for scaring my lover, for hurting him. this then makes me cry harder because I'm too weak. It takes a lot to pull myself out of that quicksand. But last night, in my first episode in a very long time, I broke free. I focused on deep breaths and eventually the tears stopped. It's so tempting to let the negativity engulf me; it feels good in a sick way. But it felt so much better to look at Scott and see pride, see relief instead of concern. I could be strong and pull myself out all on my own, through will power and love for him.
we've been living together while i house sit, and it's been a fun social experiment. we work well together and our relationship is evolving. a couple days ago i used the word boyfriend and it seemed wrong. it seemed like we'd outgrown it, which i liked. we settled on partner, because that's what we are. we help each other, offer support, love and stability at all times. we are equal, above all. It's a beautiful thing. something I never even imagined I'd be experiencing.
I've told him a lot about my past relationships, and looking back with perspective they were pretty unhealthy. I was a young girl desperate for love and so happy that someone liked me that I was willing to put up with an unnecessary amount of emotional wounds. they've healed but they've left scars, to always remind me of what I went through in order to get what i truly deserved. I don't regret it, but I'm really happy that I'm no longer that young girl, instead I'm a woman who's finally found her man, and above all finally found true happiness.