I'm in a funk.
Today I had time to kill so I visited my family, specifically my grandparents and my mother. To set the stage I'll need to give you some details on these people. My grandfather is 91, has Alzheimer's and mostly bumbles around the house and pretends he knows what's going on. My grandmother is 88, a chain smoker and a stubborn lady with a foul mouth. My mother is an alcoholic who is just as stubborn and just as foul mouthed as her mother. So needless to say the evening was far from enjoyable.
The issue as of late is that my grandmother doesn't like the cold climate of Calgary and wants to take her son, who is a multiple stroke victim with no use of most of his body living in a care home on Vancouver Island, down to Bellingham Washington. She owns a home down there which is currently rented out to students. So her plan is to rent a house there until her home is free in July. All she seems to care about is taking care of my uncle, even though he's a miserable human being who takes advantage of her. Now I believe she has the right to live the rest of her life whichever way she wants, and it's clear she isn't happy here. But my mother is adamant about her not leaving, for reasons I can merely speculate. I think she wants her parents close to her in their dying days, she wants control, and she doesn't want my grandmother to move away without a real plan and end up fucked, many miles away where she can't help.
And listening to them bicker all night was miserable. Watching two thick headed stubborn women bounce immature arguments back and forth and not being able to talk any sense into them is frustrating in the least.I mean, how do you tell them they're both wrong?
'Right' and 'wrong' are so subjective, and yet people only truly believe their own definitions. It makes life pretty difficult sometimes, and it tears people apart.
What got me down the worst was after leaving my grandparent's house and going to my parent's, my mom continued to drink and then went for a shower. I found her in her room later, crying, still wrapped in a towel and too drunk to walk. She told me she's been so unhappy the past month, and that she should die, she wishes she could just die, that someone would kill everyone, and her too. All she wanted to do was sleep and hope no nightmares come. I never know what to say to her so I just mumbled something, hugged her and asked her if she needed anything. She said no, so I left her with a heavy heart.
There's no easy fix. there's no happy ending. My family is screwed up and there's very little I can do.
I've moved out, living happily with my boyfriend and starting my own life. I'm happy and relatively care free, partly because I don't have to see the slow dissolution of my family every day. Part of me should feel guilty, but it doesn't. I make a decent effort to visit them weekly, and I've conceded long ago nothing I do will fix the problem. The best thing for my sanity is to just put all their issues away during the week, only taking them out when I'm visiting.
I don't know what the point of this blog was. Mostly just to let out my feelings and untangle the mess within my mind.
Thanks for listening.
Today I had time to kill so I visited my family, specifically my grandparents and my mother. To set the stage I'll need to give you some details on these people. My grandfather is 91, has Alzheimer's and mostly bumbles around the house and pretends he knows what's going on. My grandmother is 88, a chain smoker and a stubborn lady with a foul mouth. My mother is an alcoholic who is just as stubborn and just as foul mouthed as her mother. So needless to say the evening was far from enjoyable.
The issue as of late is that my grandmother doesn't like the cold climate of Calgary and wants to take her son, who is a multiple stroke victim with no use of most of his body living in a care home on Vancouver Island, down to Bellingham Washington. She owns a home down there which is currently rented out to students. So her plan is to rent a house there until her home is free in July. All she seems to care about is taking care of my uncle, even though he's a miserable human being who takes advantage of her. Now I believe she has the right to live the rest of her life whichever way she wants, and it's clear she isn't happy here. But my mother is adamant about her not leaving, for reasons I can merely speculate. I think she wants her parents close to her in their dying days, she wants control, and she doesn't want my grandmother to move away without a real plan and end up fucked, many miles away where she can't help.
And listening to them bicker all night was miserable. Watching two thick headed stubborn women bounce immature arguments back and forth and not being able to talk any sense into them is frustrating in the least.I mean, how do you tell them they're both wrong?
'Right' and 'wrong' are so subjective, and yet people only truly believe their own definitions. It makes life pretty difficult sometimes, and it tears people apart.
What got me down the worst was after leaving my grandparent's house and going to my parent's, my mom continued to drink and then went for a shower. I found her in her room later, crying, still wrapped in a towel and too drunk to walk. She told me she's been so unhappy the past month, and that she should die, she wishes she could just die, that someone would kill everyone, and her too. All she wanted to do was sleep and hope no nightmares come. I never know what to say to her so I just mumbled something, hugged her and asked her if she needed anything. She said no, so I left her with a heavy heart.
There's no easy fix. there's no happy ending. My family is screwed up and there's very little I can do.
I've moved out, living happily with my boyfriend and starting my own life. I'm happy and relatively care free, partly because I don't have to see the slow dissolution of my family every day. Part of me should feel guilty, but it doesn't. I make a decent effort to visit them weekly, and I've conceded long ago nothing I do will fix the problem. The best thing for my sanity is to just put all their issues away during the week, only taking them out when I'm visiting.
I don't know what the point of this blog was. Mostly just to let out my feelings and untangle the mess within my mind.
Thanks for listening.
Comments