free write

the thoughts you instill in me are poisonous. and i try to extract them like venom from a snake bite but i cant seem to get the right grip. i cant suck, i just sip until the poison fills my mouth. and I want to scream at you as if i could convert this rage into sound and lose the negitivity around me. but i've never been able to speak my mind, i act like a mime trapped in a box i've bricked with my own trepidation. I layed down the foundation thinking I could protect myself if you ever threw another bomb my way. the way you throw away any sliver of effort I give. so i live behind my walls as if I'm Pink. And you think it's because I dont care. when you're upstairs watching tv with your headphones you break bones in the skeleton of this home. so I sit alone because I'm tired of being shut out. im tired of being cut out from your life like a piece of rotten fruit. You say you salvage anything. but when you threw out your ring I started to question your devotion. you throw an ocean of guilt onto the shelter we've built to try and keep out the rain. because every time it pours i feel like the sky is crying for me. as if it sees the biger picture and knows how to stitchure the wounds we've let get infected. but we sit licking them tricking ourselves into thinking we're doing any good. i know what i should do. but the truth of the matter is that laughter doesnt live here anymore. you've locked doors and melt down keys to fill the cavities caused by the sweet flavor of self pity. you've built a city around your heart and there's always gridlock trafffic on any street that leads to you. I need you to clear the roads. I need somewhere to dump the load because im tired of carying around bricks tricking myself into thinknig I can just keep building these walls higher. and I'd be a liar if I told you I'm doing everything i can. because I'm not. I've forgotten how to speak. and tears leak from my eyes every time you betray some closeness. i've spent months thinking it's hopeless and hoping I'll be able to escape before it's too late. but it's been 3 am for who knows how long and i've missed my last train of thought. i've forgotten how to talk. so i just walk away with cheeks wet hoping I'll forget how to feel. hoping I can seal myself away with wax and mail myself to anywhere but here. but my biggest fear is that you wont come after me. that your laughter will haunt me with dreams of a simpler time. and when I'm alone I'll sometimes dream of when I was younger. when there was no hunger for escape, only a wish for a cape so i could fly like a super hero and save us all. but I fall off sky scrapers like paper crunched into a ball. later i learnt that a smooth sheet would have fallen slower. would have lowered itself to the ground safe and sound. if only i knew how to uncurl this fist into a hand again. then i could float instead of plummet, could climb to any summit without fear and i could scream from the highest peak for all to hear.
that I do still love you.