rude awakenings

is there a philosophy that states that each human is completely seperate from everything/everyone else? that everyone is so different so common truths do not exist? ah well ive been thinking about religion alot recently. i'm not pushing my beliefs onto anyone you have no need to listen to anything i say i'm just expressing my oppinions but i just believe organized religion can't work. i just dont see how all these people can all believe the story whole-heartedly if religion works for you fills a void, explains something, makes you feel better, then great. but when people try and push their truths on other people because they dont realize everyone is different is just plain wrong

i am in one of those lonely moods that makes me question what's keeping me. i have everything at my fingertips but i'm living for those around me; to be viewed highly in their eyes. i'm not sure why. maybe i liked what they had to say, now i have too much at stake. i enjoyed the sound of their words of wisdom, i lived by them, they shaped me. am i damning myself by disregarding them? the one the stuck? she made me what i am today. we all have our truths are mine the same as hers? does a degree make hers truer? i could be wrong. i wanted to think i had a chance. maybe.

the responses of strangers, opposing my half baked theories help me expand upon them. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Absurdism http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Existentialism http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nihilism i find it so enthralling. i should have taken philosophy in highschool.

no one ever needs anything. they only want. "i need to get atleast 75 on this test" no. you want it. because you want a good mark because you want your mark to go up..ect." you want it because you dont want the alternative. aka failing. you dont need to go to school. you probably should, you probably should want to, but you dont need to. lets get a more exagerated example "you need to take this medicine for your illness or else you'll die." you might think this is a flaw in my theory. but it isnt. you want to take the medicine because you dont want the alternative; death. but you dont need to take it. you never need to do anything.

my hands are black the keys are black the mouse too fine pwder everywhere scribbled pages a new obsession a new life. i need to clean up now.

he's started smoking again. apparently its been a month now. and i found out by accident he was drunk and let it slip. and i just let myself go. it upset me, beyond reason, but i didnt know why. which upset me even more. i was crying hard on the phone. he tried his best to console me but he had to leave for work. i sat on my bed and tried to figure it out. i did. the reason i cried so much was because it was deja vu. of something i really didnt want to remember. the night brent left his phone at my house and i read those messages. he didnt tell me because i seemed happier not knowing. and i found out by mistake and i felt betrayed. i wondered what else he could be keeping from me. i felt replaced. with the smoking, it hurt because he knew much it upset me, so he quit. i guess...its like i feel like he doesnt care about me anymore because he did it anyway. its an irrational thought but i coudlnt help it. i tried to tell myself that, and it worked a bit. im getting better at telling...

i dont understand it myself i'm evil. i know i am. because i dont think like the majority and majority rules. but maybe it's wrong? maybe everyone is just wrong. and maybe..just maybe.. i'm right.. but whos to say what's right? its what the majority agrees with therefore i must be wrong. lets try and explain what goes on in my mind, shall we? i believe we place too much importance on human life. it is the reason we're in this mess. we're too capable of emotions, feelings, attachment for our own good. when someone is ill or injured, we do all we can to save them because there's nothing more important that human life. because we want to save them for ourselves. so that we dont have to lose anything. maybe..it's just me. other people in the situation of dying dont want to. because they are too attached to life. maybe it's just me that isn't afraid of death. maybe that's why i disregard human emotions so much. or maybe i'm just crazy. i thin...

do me a favour. think about what you are. what makes you think feel, act, see, breathe. the list goes on. but i thought about it and it freaked me out.

i feel alienated i feel evil and different. i feel...sane. ive seen all good people turn their heads each day. they follow blindly. they search out idols to believe. because they want to be bigger than they are. or because they know they're smaller then they want to be?

should i feel bad? should i want to help her find it? console her? no. i don't see the point. do to others as you'd have them do to you i guess the golden rule doesnt apply to her. so she lost her wedding ring. normaly this would be tragic but i dont see the point in wasting emotions on it. its not like she needed it anyways. she hasnt even been wearing it for the past three months. she'd put it on the dashboard of the car of all places. its been sitting there for over three months. now it's gone. and guess who's to blame? me and my sister. of course. she doesnt think for one second that ..perhaps.. it's her fault? that she might have misplaced it? no. she's divine, above all human err. she think's we're trying to punish her. for what? i'm not sure. we hate her. apparently . but we hate her because we're ungrateful useless children not at all because maybe she hasnt been much of a mother lately. she's too busy cauddling her new c...

adding to the noise. turn off your stereo video radio.

gypsy fiddle. an awesome drinking song. according to my mom :)

i don't understand your words.. ..well maybe of you spent more time with them you would

today was a good day they were good feelings we helped someone who had nothing only hope and a will to survive. we gave them something to be thankfull for just like they gave it to me too. it made me feel so good. maybe there's still hope the more people have the more they want to hold onto it only people who know what it's like not to have everything at a momen't notice understand they humanize with them, feel for them and help them. the people who are too blind to see the other half are the people who dont realize the true value of a possesion. just like the book i'm reading. they take from people who have so much to give because they want to help them realize the beauty of giving. its hard to understand sometimes but i want nothing more than to get it.

it was such a perfect moment. we ended up in my room, just standing there, gazing into eachother's eyes. i broke away to press play on my ipod that was hooked up to a stereo. So Long Marrianne came on. perfect. i walked slowly back to him and draped my arms around his neck and nessled in close, my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. i laughed inwardly as the line "you held on to me like i was a cruicifix" came on. as if he read my mind he placed his arms around my waist and we started swaying ever so slightly from side to side. i lifted my head to look at his face. he smiled a knowing smile and softly said "so this is what you were getting at." i smiled in response. we stood nose to nose and continued slowdancing around my room. the song ended and every night came on, and i coudlnt help but grin and mouth along with the words "..but tonight i just want to stay here, and be with you." he smiled and kissed my forhead and whispered in my ear ...

this is the reason i broke up with him in the first place. because it was so much stress and it just seemed hopeless. i know that's a harsh word but its true. he's got so much on his plate and i dont want any more on mine. i have my own set of worries i need to take care of. but i cant just turn him away. the way he opened up to me...it litteraly moved me to tears. i feel his dispair, his depression. he has nothing. but i dont want him to have no one too. at the moment i feel thats all i can do; give him the comfort of knowing that i'm here for him, that he has me. contrairy to his beleifs he hasnt lost me. if he really had, i wouldnt have seen him yestrerday, or tuesday, or any times before that. we wouldnt have acted or talked the way we did if he'd truley lost me. his words stung because i felt his pain through them. his feelings soaking the words and turning them a different colour. i never told him to get the fuck out of my life, but it hurt to know thats how he fe...

...why do we put ourselves through this? i dont know how to answer that. i cant even begin to think it over. because i dont even know how i feel. i wish i did, i wish i could make all this pain go away with sweet words. but i know they're hollow. you know as well as me that there's nothing i can do to make it better. all i can say is that today was one of the best days of my life and i wouldnt take anything back. i know you're going to beat yourself over it but i wish you wouldnt. yet i can wish so much and i do wish all time, but i dont know if it does one slice of good. you know i would do everything i can to help you. so it hurts when you think that you have nothing, noone. but just because we're not boyfriend girlfriend, it doesnt mean anything. it's a label, meant for people to try and understand things better. but i'm past that point. i dont understand anything anymore. labels wont do any good. i just want you to know that i'm here for you and i always...

i just broke my long winded nutella fast..

i've decided to ask keith to chill using the lure of horizon expanders and company to lighten the mood of my proposition i have nothing to lose yet i cant make myself do it.

my mind is restless thoughts wind in and out endlessly i try to grasp on to them, to remember them so i can write them down, so others can think them as well. but its pointless i decide to, instead, accept it as it is to know i thought them and to let them go. its reffreshing. i think things once why think them again?

i looked outside for the first time in a while. i mean ive looked outside everyday, but it was the first time i acctualy saw. the colours...so bright and vivid...it sparked something in my memory. happy one year anniversary

i dont belong in that world. i've changed too much, and so have they. maybe it's just my warped expectations. i've been subjected to a completely different class of human beings. a different world completely. i find it hard almost painful to be here with them. my heart is not well here.

assurer l'obeissement du peuple par la reglementation du systeme educationel. this is in a dictatorship, so why do i feel like its happening here too?

i'm so mentally tired. i could probably fall alseep right now i just need a break but i cant have one and now that all the tests and exams are over i dont have anything to strive for i have no motivation. i have a chemistry lab write-up and a calorimetry worksheet and i need to practice drums but i cant do much more that lay in bed nd feel sorry for myself. my head hurts and i'm catching a cold two things i'm blaming on math and my body's hate for me. i hate grade twelve.

being quick is a stress reliever. i noticed that today. running quick, slamming on the drums quick, writing quick. i ran up the stairs. i started off slowly but my feet kept speeding up, as if i could run away from my stress. but there's nowhere to run and i end up sitting down in the end regardless. i slammed the drums, faster and faster until i falter because my arms couldnt keep up with my brain. i write faster because maybe the sooner i finish the sooner this will all be over. but it never works that way. my brain cant keep up with my hand this time. i make mistakes and i have to redo the dreaded problems. i'm sick of this. && i need better stress relievers.