hhj

i really should stop. i build it up, thinking maybe something will come of it but what's the point? nothing will because face it; this is normal. this is what they do. the circumstances innevitably add up to this. and nothing progresses, no matter how much i want it to. i don't even know if i want it. does that even happen in real life? people meet up at parties, i'm proof, but i think the only reason it happened because there wasnt any alki there. it makes people act on impulses, most of wich-we are teenagers,after all- may make things awkward in the morning, in most cases.
but things werent like that, the next day. i should stop this. i cant obsess over things that have the slimmest chance of ever coming true. part of is it sad but i cant help but thinking maybe its for the best.
i cant help wishing it would. maybe it would be the cure to my questionable party activities. i feel like im on a road and i'm travelling. looking for the key to set me free. i'm searching for a part of me that i'd lost earlier, a part that i hadn't realized was in me until it was taken away. true happiness i suppose. a replica, a copy or something completely new from what i'd experienced before. the feeling of feeling complete is intoxicating. made worse by immeasurable amounts when it faulters.