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i.....


i keep finding myself flip flopping. to decide to do it or not. what do i have to lose? my assurance and comfort at the fact that nothing will happen. if i egg him on..what will happen? i dont care anymore. i dont think. i keep wondering if he thinks about me or not. i'm pretty sure he would. but that creates another insecurity. what is he thinking? good thoughts? bad thoughts? or neutral just-another-drunk-chick thoughts? i cant keep doing this but i will because it messes with my self worth. i keep searching for something. another brent i guess. some love at first sight where they think i;m something special. not just another chick at a party to be forgotten the next day. i keep believing i'm worth something. that they'll make some sort of move because i was something to them. i keep clinging to this exasperation fruitlessly.

i gotta stop. this is turning out too much like the stories in my head. i dont know if i want it to end up the way it would if this were fiction. but it seems so perfect. like a destiny. i'm afraid.

i'm just not sure what of.

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