rude awakenings

"nokia called." my father said, completely out of the blue when he was driving me home. "they were wondering how you were liking your phone." i froze. i stared strait ahead, my mind franticaly buzzing, trying to find a way around this. "...kay?" i asked, trying to sound clueless. "the one you bought in october." "i didnt..." i stammered. "so how are you liking your phone?" " i dont have a phone. i dont know what they're talking about." my heart was racing so hard in my chest, my nervousness intensified 5 times by the fact i was not completely sober. i was sure he saw right through my weak attempts at covering my ass. "you're saying you didnt buy a phone?" "ya. i dont have a phone." fuck thankfully i was saved by him asking about brent. it made me laugh inwardly at how brent calling me was more important than a secret phone i had been hiding from them for almost a year. Dads. they're a...

oh dear. my mother stole both my lighters. even my super sentimental flick your bick one. now one of my fond rememberances of brent is tainted by the harsh smell of cigarette smokes. WAY TO GO.

i dreamt about him again. im pretty sure ive dreamt of him every night since we broke up. last night he said he was back in school. we went to this weird choir dog show concert thing together and i melted in his arms, it felt so good to be there. i remember he kissed me once, just once, a soft brush of the lips but it sent electricity down my spine. somewhere inside me knew this was a dream but the bigger part of me didnt care. i dont know what i'm trying to tell myself. i know that i miss him and still love him but there's nothing i can do. he's gone. and maybe thats why i'm dreaming of him. i'm not an expert and my vocabulary is being frustratingly small today so i cant elaborate. all i know is i need another psychiatrist meeting. man its like my drug. it feels so good to open up to someone who knows exactly what to say. i dont even care that its her job to do this, because i sense that she really does care about me. or that i have to pay 100$ per session, because...

something doesnt feel right. like something has shifted inside and now something that had fit so perfectly is now so wrong. the edges dont line up as they used to. now ther are are holes where they dont meet up. like an archway and he was my keystone. now that he's really truely gone, the rest of me just caves in on myself. and i'm left a dusty pile of rubble. i let him go because i saw a crack through him. i feared how long it would be until he broke and i'd fall harder. i dont know if i did the right thing. what if it wasnt a fatal crack? just a surface flaw, nothing of consequence and i've fallen for nothing?

i enjoy this music for some reason its so...fresh?

hello to all. i'm in ontario, in a small town of Exeter. i am on my dad's friend's computer because i am desperate. she's very nice to me and my sister and i appreciate her letting us use her computer. so as most of you know i broke up with my boyfriend. he got incredibly dramatic and it killed me inside. though part of me knew that they were just words of no consequence, but another part was scared of him. scared of his capacity, of his ability to make my life hell. i dont know what he would do and that saddens me. seven months of love and i cant even predict what is truth and what is overexaggeration. i feel like i dont know him at all. i cant predict him, soothe him or abate him. when he gets upset i stand on the sidelines, teary eyed. and because i try and fix everything because i cant stand for people to be upset, i become distraught myself because i am helpless to him. seven months of this, over and over, along with the disapproval of friends and family, the lies ...

you said you'd always be here you said you'd always care if i needed someone you said that you'd be there. you said you were just a call away when i need to cry you said you'd always love me ....was that all a lie?

you said you'd always care. was that a lie? i'm trying to figure out my jambled mind.

12.15.2007-7.11.2008 Seven months.. not bad.

"I pump, you slap!"- Krista attempts to make a snappy comeback to Gen's insane demands while pumping up an air mattress. To our dismay, it didn't make the air mattress inflate faster. "Spray Me!"- Bug spray. Personally skeeters aren't my friend. honestly, this isn't even that funny. What were we smoking when I wrote this down? "I tried penis!"- Dre, Wow. This is an out of context moment. However, It's hilarious, and for all those who dont know.. cannibalism never tasted so good. ;) "I'll give you half my boobs!"- Megan finds herself being very charitable towards Gen, regarding bust size. With any luck, we'll balance out to be a B. hooray for charity! "I've got the skillz to pay the billz"- Yes, Krista, I figured you put zeds at the end of both those. And of course, it was all in Krista's magnificent ability to pump it.. Ow Ow. "They make you work for your candy!"- Gen apparently doesn't ...

i had a sleepover at megan's yesterday. it was quite fun and i realized how much i missed just chilling with friends. i spent too much time with brent and i guess some of my friends fell off the wayside. i feel that, although this will kill me temporarily, this needs to be done. i just cant handle a boyfriend anymore. i mean i still love him with all my heart's capacity, and perhaps thats a bad thing. he's more moody then i am. like one moment he's all lovey dovey then i burst his bubble and he's all vicious all of a sudden. its just his way of actingwhen he feels threatened but i dont think he realizes how much it hurts me. m running out of things to say. i gotta go call my parents before they blow a gasket. peace.

Oh I hate you some, I hate you some I love you some Oh I love you when I forget about me I want to be strong I want to laugh along I want to belong to the living Alive, alive, I want to get up and jive I want to wreck my stockings in some juke box dive

This relates to me Baby you'll come knocking on my front door Same old line you used to use before I said ya... well... what am I supposed to do? I didnt know what I was getting into. So youve had a little trouble in town. Now youre keeping some demons down. Stop draggin my heart around. Its hard to think about what youve wanted, Its hard to think about what youve lost. This doesnt have to be the big get even, This doesnt have to be anything at all when everything is said and done, you cant go pleasing everyone, so screw it. imagine brent is saying this to emma. this is how i feel. She says her love for me could never die, But thatd change if she ever found out about you and i. Oh - but her love is cold. It wouldnt hurt her if she didnt know, cause...When it gets too much I need to feel your touch Im gonna run to you Im gonna run to you Cause when the feelins right Im gonna run all night Im gonna run to youS hes got a heart of gold shed never let me down But youre the one that alwa...

there are no right decisions. only different ones. this may be true, but i feel that there are bad decisions. and its so sad that i needed a psychiatrist meeting for me to realize that i was about to make one.

i'm sick of getting the raw end of the deal because i cant stand up for myself. i'm done with caring too much and sacrificing myself in the process. i'm tired of getting hurt so much because i feel hopeless. i hate feeling responsible for other people's pain. i cant keep letting people walk all over me. i need to care about me for a change i need to empower myself i gotta care about me. and nothing else. fuck it.

mkay, latest news in the life of andrea. i had a private psyciatrist meeting and i felt all special cuz she told me i made an impression on her, she's been tinking about me quite a bit, and ive only seen her once. and i dunno, apparently im a good person haha. and i have a problem about caring too much, and im ghonna be prone todepression and anxiety and all this stuff, so i told her all aobut brent and she told me that its really important i do whats right for me, and not for others, cuz i have a problem with sacrificing myself cuz i dont wanna upset other ppl and that would be the only reason i would be staying with brent is cuz id feel too bad, cuz im the only good thing in his life and the only person who cares. but i really need to start doing whats right for me. if i stay with him then im telling him its ok for him to treat me with disrespect. and if i leave him im telling him that when he gets something really special he needs to treat it justly, or else he'll lose it. a...

today i went to shaganappi grocery store. my mom goes there from time to time to buy fresh figs. i remembered this place from the last time i came, with petra and her family. i remembered that they sold hena here and my mom bought it for me. theres something about stores like that that are just so interesting. we spent half an hour looking around, buying things that we've never heard of before. i got my mom to buy pita and medeteranian cream cheese, because its what Petra eats. ps. i wish there was more pita in my house.

so far for july i have written 32 blogs. thats kinda...alot seeing as its like the middle of the month. wow i have alot on my mind. i dont think i've stopped writing since i got back from my cabin.

sometimes i catch myself dreaming of simpler times. perhaps it would spare me this insufferable pull on my heartstrings. but then i remember. i get bored easily, to put it simply. to go from this to carefree would be a smack to the face and i'd be completely lost with myself. i dont want to love someone exactly like me in every way. when i'm out and about and i see couples walking, i find myself laughing inwardly. they all look like they could be siblings, if i didnt know better. preps go out with preps, emos with emos, nerds with nerds, pretty people with pretty people. for some reason i think that i am the only person who has broken that trend. me and him are from completely different worlds. perhaps thats a bad thing, perhaps we're too different. but what is love without a bit of excitement? without a goal to get around? love shouldnt be easy peasy. "love is not a victory march, its a cold and its a broken halleluiah" Leonard Cohen is smart, and i have come to ...

sometimes i would just like to tell you to stop poking your nose in my business. sometimes i would just like for you to keep your oppinions to yourself. i wish that you would let me make my own decisions and let me figure things out on my own. i am 17 and yes, still legally in your care, but i am almost 18 and ready to do things for myself. i'm not your baby girl anymore, though sometimes i still wish i was. perhaps you dont think me capable of making good decisions, but i'm sure you would be suprised at how well everyone thinks i am handleing this. perhaps if you would lay off a bit, take a step back, stop thinking your way is the only way, you may be proud of me. i dont know if you realize how hard these past months have been on me. its been one thing after another after another. it would be helpul if perhaps you could not make this any harder on my with your constant questioning and your discreetly demeaning comments. this is my relationship, not yours. maybe you dont trust...

i enjoy listening to bob dylan's radio show.

i know you're reading this :)

so here's the dealio...i've decided that if i get back with brent things need to change. i dont know if i'll be able to do it, but i really want to stop lying. like even if it's the little things, but i just hate how lying grows and grows. urg my brain hurts though. i've had one long day. me and petra kinda planned for me to meet with brent, and i was ok with it, though i wasnt supposed to. i only did it was because in two weeks, his phone would be out of money, and i wouldnt be able to contact him even if i wanted. and if anyone knows me they know i need to be in the loop. i need to know what's going on, i need to know all i can because i hate guessing or wondering. but i told him that "if he loved me he'll wait for me" and he said he would because...he loves me? i was talking with petra and she told me i had become so mature throughout this whole relationship, and i think i see that now. he told me he was going to bc because "there is nothin...

hello my name is Andrea Hunter. I would have been Andrea Niederauer if i had known how to spell it. i enjoy it when people call me Dre, and to my great amazement people have started doing it. i enjoy old things and i am completely in love with Jesus Christ Superstar. i like clothes, and between new stuff i buy and old stuff my mom gives me, i have officially run out of closet space. i get annoyed when people ask me how i'm doing, just to make convorstation, and i usualy answer with "good" to make them find another topic to fill the awkward silence with. i despise small talk and avoid it at all costs. i'd rather sit in silence then waste energy pretending to be carefree. i try to avoid dumping my problems on my friends but i end up doing it anyway. without my friends i would be lost right now. i enjoy having deep convorations because they get my mind off of the perishable troubles i go through. i have just recently received a stab in the back and and a kick to the hear...

Everything happens for a reason... You came into my life, my boring stupid life. You showed me pain and sadness, but you also showed me love, compassion and caring. You cared about me so much, and I cared about you too. I still care. I care more than you'll know, enough to forgive you for everything you've done. I can’t erase the bad times, but I can’t erase the good times either. No matter how mad I was, when I thought back all I remembered were the good times. And I realized you made my life amazing. And I think I did the same for you. I feel blessed to be a part of your life. I felt like… I somehow helped you, in some obscure way, maybe just by showing you that people care, that this world isn’t all bad. You may think its bad, because you've managed to hurt everyone who's cared for you, but look at me. I’m still here. You’ve made me strong. I’ve learnt a lot about myself in these past six months. You’ve made me realize how good of a person I am. You’ve made me reali...

i would like to know how my heart can break again. i wanted him to go, he's left, ive called him back, did he ever return? now he tells me he cant take this he's leaving after all he's done after all i've been through you'd think..i'd be happy? that i'd had enough and wanted him out the sooner the better? somehow that is not so. he made me a promise he'd be here for me and..i wanted to hold him to it. but i want him to be happy after all he's done, i want him to be happy. he lost the one thing that did that; me. all he has left is beautiful british columbia i want him to go. i really do. i can live with it, it would make it easier but without his phone, he is lost to me. i'd have no idea..where he was, how he was doing if he was dead on the side of the road. i want to help him. and it will kill me if i cant it has killed me in the past because i am helpless. i am helpless now as the clock struck 6, i ran around my house searching for a phone i of...

i would just like to say .... my life is the shits. && i would like to stab myself in the uturus cuz atleast that would end one of my pains.

who else gets an hour of councelling when they break up with their boyfriend?

today i made a weed garden. cat mint and pansies. i was repotting plants with my mom and i fell in love with a little mint plant, i couldnt rip it out and leave it to wither. so after i had potted three new plants for my mom, i planted my own garden in a little pot. i was very proud of it. it was the first time i had felt an emotional feeling the whole time i was outside with my mom. i went through the actions in a mechanical manner. my mom noted "i can tell you're not enjoying a bit of this" i managed to reply. the first sound i had made the whole time "ya..i am." and it was true. although enjoyment was something of an emotion, and i was curiously void of feelings. it felt odd, my mind was clear. not to say i wasnt thinking, but i was thinking in an oddly perfunctory fashion. but as i sat, shovelling dirt from one pot to another, i found myself feeling in a different way. i found myself grabbing handfuls of dirt and feeling it slip through my fingers. i found m...

you told me...the only way you would completely leave my life was if i told you "get the fuck out of my life." and even then you'd call me up in a month to see how i was doing. i'm holding you to that. i know you're upset, why shouldnt you be? in the past few days i have gone from hating you to forgiving you to hating you to forgiving you again. i felt confused and sorry for myself. my friends kept telling me i was strong, and i didnt believe it. i said i took you back, that i caved. petra told me Strength is not turning your back on them and never looking back. Strength is being able to look them every time you see them knowing what they did to you and still being able to love. and that made up my mind for me. i knew that if you left my life completely i wouldnt be very happy, i would always be wondering how you were doing, if you were ok. i'd start to worry. i still care about you. and you know that. and despite all that has happened, i still care. i care ...

Strength is not turning your back on them and never looking back.

beauty

sometimes i would like to do something similar to this on a bio exam...only cuz some of the things i learn are sooo pointless.

last time my doctor recomended smoking he looked this toasted too.

if only i could do this. rip my brain and all its indecisive thoughts from my skull. rip my heart and all it's painfull feelings from my chest. and i would give my left arm and both my legs to do it.

yesterday, the word fell from beneath my feet. everything i had come to believe in and trust just dissolved away into reality. the way my heart shattered when i read those messages. my mind buzzing trying to comprehend, trying to find a loophole how this could possibly be a fucking joke. and i stared in utter disbelief, something not quite clicking in my brain. but then c-l-i-c-k. and the tears fell forth. in crushing waves, suffocating my lungs, gasping for breath. i scrambled to the phone. i dialed the painfuly long ten digit number and it rang. i was pleading for her to pick up. please....ring...please....ring....PLEASE! hello? fuck. her answering maching. sorry i cant come to the phone right now, please leave me a message! i cant remember if i left one or not, i dont think i did. i kept calling, knowing she was awake and knowing i needed to talk to her. she picked up and i wasted no time telling all, between broken sobs that were so loud they attracted my sister. she knocked on t...

it would have been so easy if i just hated him it would have been so easy if i wasnt so emotional it would have been so easy if i didnt listen to his side it would have been so easy if i hadnt let him touch me it would have been so easy if i had stuck to my gameplan it would have been so easy if i hadnt started crying so hard it would have been so easy if i could stand behind my decisions it would have been so easy if i...what? if i didnt have a heart? this isnt supposed to be easy.

this....explains quite a bit for me. this is me. one minute...its good..and the next its all bad. and sometimes people need out. i want out. and i really....cant think about your feelings right now. i can only think about mine, because frankly, thats all what matters, in this given situation.

i quote petra. i am uncomfortable in my comfort

when you're not around i get a little worried that you dont love me and your gonna leave me but when im with you its a different story i feel like i will never lose you and you wull be with you for lofe and i hope you will. i know im not perfect or perfect looking but i hope you can see pst my flaws..iget really self concious when im alone its thist the way i am. i love how shy you are and i want to break your shyness..but at the same time i dont want you to because im afraid you will find someone better. its happened before and i worry that it will happen again. it started as a crush and then she called i was like this is my chance i cant fuck this up and the more i got to know her the more i realized we had a lot in common..she keeps saying this is all new to her but what she doesnt realize that its pretty new to me, i mean i have never felt this strongly for anyone else. i mean iwas gonna propose but i gave her a promis ring instead. she means the world to me i hope i never los...

my first attempt at oil painting. i was in advanced art, and never once did i stray away from my acrilics. sometimes i wish i hadnt, but then again i would have made a fool of myself with my complete ignorance to the ways of oil painting. first off, i didnt have any paint thinner or linseed oil. i decided to use canola oil, and it acctualy worked pretty well, until the wind blew over everything when i was at my neighbor's. yes, i decided to work outside, because it was so beautiful out. it was a good idea, until the wend came rushing in as if it was seeking revenge. i secured my newsprint with rocks, i had a can of water (my mom's idea, it proved useless, of course) my few paintbrushes, quite a sad collection. turns out i left my favorite brush up at my cabin. well shit. so i had one big prickly old brush, and a few smaller cheap ones. a few minutes in i hadnt a clue how toget the black of my brush, so i started using the smaller brushes to apply the yellow. well that proved pa...

exponential expansion

this is my home. my place of tranquility, untouched magnificence. thrilling and relaxing all at once. a place...far away. from everything, everyone. the sound of waves lapping on the shore, the sound of a humming bird's wing as it settles down on the feeder. thousands of unseen insects, buzzing, creating an endless backbeat, surrounding me if i take the time to listen. the smell of rich sweet pine, floating in off the surface of the lake on a warm breeze. i turn my face to the wind and everytime is different. i smelt once, perhaps imaginary, but the smell of ocean brine. i smelt the fresh pure air, i smelt earth i smelt sky. and then....now i turn to the greatest sense of all, that of sight. the blue sky, endless, the lake, shimmering with the sun, the bright lime green of the sand beneath the surface, fading into a deep turquoise. the forests, millions of greens, no boundaries, stretching on and on into darkness. the sunset. the masterpeice.

here i am, again. second session, another hundred dollars spent another hour i'll never get back, another cry. what has come from it? what do we have to show? nothing new, just the same whole shibang twice over. great, we're a nice family. im glad. and we know what the problem is, but how do we solve it? or do you think us capable of such a measly task, because this whole thing is a joke? personally, i think its a joke. great, we've got problems, who doesnt? why do we go to someone who makes a profit off other people's problems?

what would you like for breakfast? a miracle. reading seeing, hearing their words, filling me up on my absence, so short in real time. life goes on within me and without me. young people speaking their minds, and everything else in sight. oh the eloquence, almost painful to behold, this young thinkers club, alternative and subcultured. me and my mainstream mind. whitewashed, acid washed, faded black and blue. peeling paint off old worn shoes, reminders of younger times, twisting through my fingers, gone to the current. grey matter, grey area tiptoeing between extremes. come and gone my feelings, so strung up and strong. intoxicating, sobering, making me feel nautious. my head is reeling, churning before the sea of sentiment. unanswered questions left on the broken shores of yesterday. i am lost at ocean. lost in forever. signing out for now.

i'm back.