you told me...the only way you would completely leave my life was if i told you "get the fuck out of my life." and even then you'd call me up in a month to see how i was doing. i'm holding you to that. i know you're upset, why shouldnt you be? in the past few days i have gone from hating you to forgiving you to hating you to forgiving you again. i felt confused and sorry for myself. my friends kept telling me i was strong, and i didnt believe it. i said i took you back, that i caved. petra told me Strength is not turning your back on them and never looking back. Strength is being able to look them every time you see them knowing what they did to you and still being able to love. and that made up my mind for me. i knew that if you left my life completely i wouldnt be very happy, i would always be wondering how you were doing, if you were ok. i'd start to worry. i still care about you. and you know that. and despite all that has happened, i still care. i care enough to still be here for you. there is little chace i will get back together with you. not because i dont love but because i dont trust. but the future is wide open.
Don't give up. I'm only starting to see the gravity of your situation. the extent of your damnation. In short I don't blame you for your frivolous disposition. I blame myself for not being enough to change it. That came out wrong. I can't, nor do I want to, change you. I just wish I was insentive enough to make you wish to change. Or maybe change is non-existant. I want you to grow. You're playing a static and stagnant role whilst I am flourishing and thriving. I know I'm not the same as I was when we were first in love, but the change is amplified relative your inert stance. I've always cared about you, but that too has been altered by the hand of circumstance. I've known countless feelings for you, attachment, love, lust, caring, anguish, concern. I've always felt something for you. Now it's stronger than ever before. No more silly juvenile notions of "love". I care for you like a sister, a mother, a lover, a friend. You say you don...
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