well you know what i am

you told me...the only way you would completely leave my life was if i told you "get the fuck out of my life." and even then you'd call me up in a month to see how i was doing. i'm holding you to that. i know you're upset, why shouldnt you be? in the past few days i have gone from hating you to forgiving you to hating you to forgiving you again. i felt confused and sorry for myself. my friends kept telling me i was strong, and i didnt believe it. i said i took you back, that i caved. petra told me Strength is not turning your back on them and never looking back. Strength is being able to look them every time you see them knowing what they did to you and still being able to love. and that made up my mind for me. i knew that if you left my life completely i wouldnt be very happy, i would always be wondering how you were doing, if you were ok. i'd start to worry. i still care about you. and you know that. and despite all that has happened, i still care. i care enough to still be here for you. there is little chace i will get back together with you. not because i dont love but because i dont trust. but the future is wide open.

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neighborhood nights

I feel like somewhere along my life there was a shift. Suddenly nothing was for fun any more, it was all necessary. Suddenly I'm bothering with what others think, afraid to link any connotations I deem negative to my being. Why do I care what people I've never met, who'll forget they ever saw me, think of me; this obscure stranger in their peripherals. It's a warped sense of mind and place, seeing the space around me in my mind's made up ways. So I stray away from everyone, isolating myself unwittingly, turning them against me. Self fulfilling prophecies, I succeed in creating this reality. I need to break free from my mind's mentalities, with which negativity has propelled me. So I've started a new sport. I call it neighborhood night dancing. Donning headphones and heading out alone to the empty streets as the city sleeps, and moving to the beat. Letting it compel me towards a freedom long gone missing. Letting go is an art. Complete release is a tough ...

Life unfolding

Unfolding Like petals, new to the world Tired of crouching and hiding within protective walls. Bursting forth in response to the warmth of sunlight and community. The unfolding of a heart is uncomfortable work. No longer used to my dimensions, I bump and bash Graze delicate edges against the roughness of a new world. bruise petals as I dance through the days. The morning are toughest As I attempt to reopen my raw and reeling regalia Until the sun soothes the edges and I can relax once more Easing into each new day, Alight on the breeze. With new aspects to myself awakening, I catch the eye of new creatures animals insects and fellow flowers alike. It's exhilarating. Exhausting. To engage in a new age Edges expanding, This is evolution.

Maggot Brain

I am filled with the feeling of too much to do, but when given the time all I can accomplish is looking back at these blog entries with a detached sensibility. I am removed from them now. Peculiar, how these words remain fixed here, memories I would rather forget. But I am now wet with memories, soaked in ancient feelings I thought had shriveled away in the sun. One thing struck me was my way with words. It has always been a talent, but I exercised it more in adolescence. Now the muscle is weak and the words are hard to lift from my mind to this page in any way worth telling. I need to stop telling myself that. Evolution is inevitable and I have been changed by this passing of time. I am fascinated with progress, with the slow steady growth of each individual. Sophistication, intelligence, ever shifting dreams and schemes. But there is always an essence that remains unchanged. The spirit which guides us to who we want to become through time and space. I am happy now...

rude awakenings

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