trains

yesterday, the word fell from beneath my feet. everything i had come to believe in and trust just dissolved away into reality. the way my heart shattered when i read those messages. my mind buzzing trying to comprehend, trying to find a loophole how this could possibly be a fucking joke. and i stared in utter disbelief, something not quite clicking in my brain. but then c-l-i-c-k. and the tears fell forth. in crushing waves, suffocating my lungs, gasping for breath. i scrambled to the phone. i dialed the painfuly long ten digit number and it rang. i was pleading for her to pick up. please....ring...please....ring....PLEASE! hello? fuck. her answering maching. sorry i cant come to the phone right now, please leave me a message! i cant remember if i left one or not, i dont think i did. i kept calling, knowing she was awake and knowing i needed to talk to her. she picked up and i wasted no time telling all, between broken sobs that were so loud they attracted my sister. she knocked on the door, asking if evertything was ok. do i sound ok? i hated those questions. she came in and sat at the foor of my bed as i chucked his phone at her, telling her to read the outbox messages, and i continued to blurt out the story to Petra. she was angry, i had never seen her so. it was a complete...180 degree flip, it was hard to believe, because she really cared about Brent, like a friend. but then i realized. i cared about him too. man, i fucking loved him with all my heart. and here i am, formulating ways to fuckin hurt him as much as possible. this wasnt right. but i didnt care, he fucking deserved it! in time my sobs became manical laughter. the hours dragged on, 2...2:30, and then i heard something. static on the phone. i froze, thinking my mom was on the phone. i looked at it, it said "conference" meaning someone else in my house was on the phone. shit! "petra? look at the time. i know, its really late! im sorry i didnt realize how late it was. i should probably go now. goodnight" oh i hated putting on a cheery facade. i was deffinetly not cheery at this point. i'd have to explain to petra why i left so quickly. i took his phone back from my sister and started texting petra. hey, its here i might as well use it. my sister went back to bed, after giving me a big hug. i texted petra for a bit, then i decided to text emma. this should be fun. she didnt reply, after all it was 3 in the morning.. i held the phone in my hand, and it dawned on me. he has free calling. i'll call petra on his phone. screw his batterly level and turning it off. i called her but i was sketching, thinking my mom was evesdropping, sitting on the stairs listening. by this point i was also exhausted, and petra told me to get some sleep. hah...funny. like i could sleep. though my physical body would have loved to, my psycological was too hyped up, my heart was pumping in adrenaline. i still couldnt believe this was happening. i fell asleep at 5, and had a fitful sleep. i woke up at 7, hungry as hell. i dragged myself to the kitchen and got a granola bar. i took one bite and my stomach lurched in protest. great. i looked at the clock 7:16. mkay, brent said he could come anytime from 7 till 12. i couldnt wait anylonger. i called up ang, my heart pumping faster than before, my body twitching with anxiety. she let brent talk "hey whats up?" so casual, it made me sick. "stuff..." "babe what's up?" he sounded worried. hah he should be. "i'll tell you about it later." "ok..ang needs to get her black berry, i'll be there around 10, k?" fuck why so late? "k" "i love you" thats when i lost it. my emotions were about to get the best of me. i took a deep breath, and tried to steady my voice. "i..love..you too.." "k bye" click. i regretted saying it but if i didnt he would have gotten suspicious. i put the phone down. 10? great. it was 7:19 now. theres no way im going back to sleep. i decided to go on the computer, i can always waste my time there. i stayed on for two hours, writing a huge long paragraph about how much a hated him (see below) and it felt good. i can always let out my feelings with a well worded page of text. so i also checked bus times because he told me ang dropped him off so he could get here faster. (?) the bus came every like..20 minutes, it was 9:23 right now. and i didnt expect him for a while so i kept writing. then i head a knock on the window behind me. i litteraly jumped out of my chair, my heart pumping so goddamned hard i thought it would simply give out any minute. i stood up, my whole body shaking with anger and anxiety, and also because it had been startled, i walked to the front door. i unlocked the first door, then the second, and i saw him there, with 3 baloons in his hand. i stared at them. he noticed my gaze. "you sounded sad on the phone so i brought you baloons." i looked at him in disbelief. baloons wont save you now. "i really have to pee, im gonna run into the alley, meet you in the back yard?" "o-ok.." i was having trouble speaking or functioning properly. i couldnt believe he was here and i coudlnt believe what i was about to do. dont chicken out. you need to tell him how bad he hurt you, and watch him squirm. ok. i can do it. i walked to the back door, on my way i grabbed the Book and a ziplock bag with beads in it. yesterday i had broken his necklace and i felt so bad i was going to fix it. hah fat chance i'll do that now. i sat at the picnic table, shaking uncontrollably, when i heard a psst from the alley. i turned to see him there, and my brain wouldnt function as i tried to figure out why he was there. i was working on auto pilot as i went back to the house, grabbed the keys, went to the garage, opened it, grabbed the key for the back gate, grabbed the book, the beads, his phone and the baloons and went to the alley. "its locked" i managed to say. "i know, i jumped it, i really had to pee" ooh ok got it now. i stepped into the alley, he looked in puzzlement to the book in my hand. "you said you wanted it. im giving it to you." he didnt understand. he tried to hug me, i pushed him away "babe...dont do this to me, dont push me away" he tried again. i held my arm out. "babe, what's wrong?" shit i dont know how to do this...what was i going to say? "i'm sorry.." "for what?" "i shouldnt have done it" "done what?" i kept ignoring him. "i just wanted to know...i didnt think there would be anything there..but there was..." i broke off, i started crying he put his arm around me and i shrugged it off. "babe, what are you talking about?" "your phone..i..i'm sorry. i had to." i think it was dawning on him, but i had to get it out before he interupted again "the messages..the one's you sent to emma. you lied to me. you lied to me" "babe...i'm sorry, i'm so sorry.." i looked him in the eyes. they were red. "sorry doesnt cut it." "i know it doesnt, i'm sorry, i fucked up.." "you think?" i tilted my head back and moaned to the sky. i was crying so hard it hurt. i slumped to the cold cement. he sat down beside me. "dont do this to me, please dont do this." "what am i supposed to do?!" "you havent heard my side of the story. those words dont mean anything, i was drunk, she's fourteen, nothing will happen between us" "thats not what the messages say. you said you didnt fucking care about the age difference. you love her too much." there was no way i would let him talk me out of this. "nothing happened between us" "how do i know?! how the fuck can i trust what your saying? HOW CAN I?!" i was screaming, i coudlnt help it. i was so hurt, and the fact that he was fighting to keep me was making this even more painful. i doubted myself, for the first time.