rude awakenings

i have no idea what to think.

its really annoying. she spends all day on the computer buying endless expensive trinkets, and when i go on for a few minutes while she's out for a smoke break to upload pictures, she get mad because i'm on the computer all the time. then she goes off about how my dad cant get us to do anything and stuff only gets done if she's the one who asks us. well then why doesnt she ask us? she is a parent, its part of the job. unless she thinks she's exempt from responsibilities because she does so much other stuff. it kills me, what does she do lately? dont get me wrong she was amazing back when we were younger. she had everything organized. and ya i guess she can blame it on her depression, but still. she plays in her garden and buys shit on ebay. she thinks its so great and its so annoying when she's on the computer and we're all working in the kitchen and she keeps narrating the bidding like we give a damn which we so dont. i keep wondering when she'll stop. she ...

you said "more than all." your words sounded like a song. you said we'd last forever but forever's far too long. you put so much on my shoulders, you said 'i need you." i should have been touched but i knew your words were true. you speak from the heart, you mean what you say. the way that you said it scared me away. in addition to never saying never, i've learnt never to say always, or forever. i hate how i want you, long for you to be near, when you're with me i'm excstatic but i hurt when you're not here. you're like a drug; i'm addicted, you alter my mind. not illegal, but still of the deadliest kind

[insert cool picture here] i don't know why i felt the way i did today. i was so low. perhaps it was withdrawal. stupid drugs. no, not the illegal kind, or the over the counter, or even the mundane every day kinds like caffeine. no, this is some potent emotional drug. a drug in nature and definition. sorta . A chemical substance, such as a narcotic or hallucinogen, that affects the central nervous system, causing changes in behavior and often addiction. it changes my behavior, and maybe i am addicted. i want dearly to be anything but. its so tempting. it makes me question this label of "stength" that has been placed upon my brow. i am unsure. i know that i need to keep my distance. i cant be lured in by the temptation that is synonymous with this situation. i am afraid of hurting. me or others. another one of my shortfalls. i put myself through strife and discomfort and other emotional agonies because i don't want to put others through it. i know i make it a bigger d...

He tells me i'm strong. i'm the centerhold of my family. he makes it so much more than i feel it is. maybe i do that too. or maybe thats how it seems for people around me. he says i'm emotional too. i agree with that. i'll become upset over one thing, then it makes me remember everything i was upset about before, and i start to cry about my bottled up feelings. i continue on like this until i dont even know what is making me cry, but i'm aware that i look like an immature baby. i feel immature when people call me strong. i don't know why, really. i guess because i dont feel that i am. i just dont think i deserve that title when there are people out there with way more troubling lives than me, people who have to put up with a lot more, who deserve the title of "strong" i just don't feel that i've put up with that much bullshit, which he thinks i do. i dont know. certain things, like leaving him, despite his thoughts of it being unfair. he knows ...

i want to write a story i've got so much stuff in my head that i think will sound good as naration i dunno why maybe im just stupid. probably

http://www.flickr.com/photos/22127045@N02/ brent (smith)'s photos hes prett coolio

my friend just read in a mag that they may be getting rid of physical money; coins and bills, as in. so all we'd have is credit and debit cards. this really freaked me out, and i cant explain why. maybe because it would be that our society will be ruled by this imaginary thing. just a bunch of numbers on a screen or a receipt. if something is as important and neccesary as money, i would like to be able to physicaly see and touch it. i have no trust in imaginary concepts.

i wish he would stop talking to meee why do i have to be so nice??

click it, check the views.

if i had a quarter for everytime i said i had a nickel, i would have five times as much theoretical money.

i feel down. i am a slave to the painkillers. i'm afraid of feeling. i want comfort but i'm afraid to do little other than lie in my bed or sit at the computer. i wish i had my camera so i could occupy myself, but seems to have vanished. so i touch up old photos i took in the past, but that supply is running sparse. so i'm going to down some painkillers and play monopoly on my ipod and wallow in self pitty. ta. =)

you're stuck on my stockings, tripping on hoops and circles. hiding beneath lines and white plastic. over estimation, no forsight you sumersault in a blur of white and pink. i hear you wisper and murmer and cry at me. i hate you some and i love you some. you're my darling.

like a moth to a flame deadly and dangerous. turn my wings to dust falter back, dazed, damaged and head back in again.

my face feels fat. i cant open my mouth. funny, the things we take for granted. i couldnt sleep last night. i lay awake, contemplating, endlessly. it felt so right. like that commercial says, the lightest touches bring on the biggest sensations. or something similar. before, when things were different, i dove in too soon. and i was no longer satisfied just dipping my feet. but now that i had dried myself completely of any trace, dipping my feet is better than diving ever was.

her wide eyed bewilderement, playful and innocent. strikes a chord in my heart and i cant help but be enlightened. she gives me happiness, a glimpse of beauty, and hope for the future.

I believe it is good to constantly question everything. It will lead to true happiness. Because even though it kills us now, one day, we will find an answer.

i can't remember the last time i felt this peaceful. i spent who knows how long learning Harrisburg on the guitar, the chords sounding so beautiful together. i sang along, not caring who could hear me. i was so in love with this song. i took a break and put on a cd, listening to the original version. my father told me to open my window. just as i did, the rain began to fall, adding background mellody to the music. i turned of my lamp and lay on my bed with my eyes closed, just lying there. no harrassing thoughts that sent ripples of worry or uneasiness through my body. no regret, no sorrow. just me, music, and the rain.

she has made me nocturnal. iwas up till 3 am, eating m&m cookies, talking to my sister over facebook and watching teletoon. some of the shows that are on this hour are pretty sick. i cant remember what the name of the show was, the one with the like...meatball and soda, but i think it has scarred me. i muted the tv and decided to occupy myself by creeping people's nex pages. i somehow got to this dude's page who seemed to be a perfect match to this character i read in streetpharm. for some reason i didnt believe that it was acctualy that way, but i guess i was wrong. it made me sick, all these boys with pictures of them flaunting their money and smoking pot. it was like...another world to me. it astounds me, what people will go to for money. i suppose that if you grow up having practicaly nothing, you'll do whatever it takes to get out of poverty. i guess i cant even begin to understand it because i was a fourtunate child. and i cant elaborate because me head feels lik...

what is love? everytime i ask this question, i night at the roxbury is forced into my head. but i force it back out again. it is a valid question. im listening to love is noise right now. Love is these blues that I'm singing again Love is noise and love is pain Love is these blues that I'm singing again Love is noise, love is pain Love is these blues that I'm feeling again Love is noise, love is pain. ive figured there are two types of songs. by people in love and people out of love. each have their biast views on the subject. those who are in love find it to be the most amazing thing imaginable. those who have lost it are spiteful and pessimistic. its almost as if i dont know who to believe. i look up to these experienced people for guidance, but its as i have just as much experience as they do. i acctualy dont know where im going with this. its late, i'm tired, i smell weed thoguh i think its just my cough drop. i guess what im saying is...i think love is a drug. it p...

30 years is a long time, if not longer.

It's like some messed up deja vu. it makes me sick when i realize how similar it was when it happened to me. he sent it through i text message as well, telling me he liked me alot. i was freaked out, saying how the hell could he know that after one evening, barely talking to eachother? i thought him desperate and confused, but i went for it anyway. because heck, i was desperate too. (i know that sounds like an insult, and maybe it is, but i didnt mean it that way when i first wrote it.) the second date, he told me he loved me. i stopped him, and told him that we'd seen eachother three times. you cant possibly love me. you're just throwing that statement around like its nothing. he told me he loved me again. whatever. maybe he did mean it, i just couldnt possibly fathom how he could have. he kept pushing me and i surrendered, for reasons that i dont understand to this day. maybe i just wanted that relationship to work so bad, i was leaniant with certain things. i shoudlnt h...

i recognize the lameness of writing you a letter, but i have trouble speaking my mind when it matters most. i know you think i should take you back, that i am overreacting over this whole thing. maybe i am, but i have made my choice. its hard to explain, but this is the right thing for me to do. sometimes i wish i could just go back to you. erase the past month. but something has changed inside me and i dont see how it will be possible. i need to move on with my life. we had something special, but it died. you may not think so, but i do. i really dont want you to try and convince me to get back with you. my mind is set, and you will resolve nothing except making me feel like shit for doing what i did. i feel so bad for you, nothing seems to go right in your life. and i feel guilty for my choice, even though i shouldnt. its a huge responsibility, being "the best thing" in someone's life. i didnt want to leave because i wanted you to be happy. but i want you to know that i ...

last night i had a break through. it was exhilerating, in a different sense of the word. a spiritual one, slightly different from the physical/mental bliss i felt, an hour earlier, screaming and singing along to breakdown. though it was similar, as well. maybe one was brought on by the other. the breakdown broke down a wall, a barrier, and led me into a place of my mind i had previously avoided, for fear of second guesses. i was in such a giddy state of mind, that i felt that nothing could impeach it. and i was right. on the long ride home my mind drifted to him on numerous occasions. i remembered the way he held me, the way he kissed me. it sent chills down my spine but i didnt feel a wave of longing or regret after. it was just...nostalgia. it sent electricity through my body, and there was no sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. it felt amazing. and i felt confident that i will have many more of those moments to reminis in the future. it reminded me of one of the songs the Hear...

TOM PETTY!!!

i listened to his music before i went to sleep last night. i put it on shuffle, and it started off with positively 4th street, my personal favorite. i let his words wash over me and it sparked something deep inside. his words spoke with mine, i could feel myself relating to his emotions. his words are so eloquent. and he has such diversity. each of his song is played in an accoustic style, usualy just a guitar, maybe some other instruments, and they usualy sound similar to eachother. but the songs themselves are so different because in each song, he is telling a different story, with a different mood. positively 4th street and like a rolling stone have such cutting lyrics, such raw emotion of hatered and annoyance. there are the revolutionary songs, times they are a changin' hurricane, blowin in the wind, then tambourine man is so psychedelic but you wouldnt have grasped it by the instruments. his words therefore have such power to put the listener in a mood with out the help of t...

so i'm a little freaked out about this. how completely freaky.

i feel like punching something but i'm afraid i'll hurt my hand. i feel like breaking something but i'm too attached to all my shit i feel like going and breaking something thats not mine but then i'll feel like an ass i feel like screaming at the top of my lungs but i dont want anyone to hear me so what do i do? i go and clean the kitchen. what is WRONG with me?

my father just got off the phone with his sister. it didnt take long for me to realize something was wrong. i could hear it in his voice, the way he tries to keep his emotions under control, fighting back tears. "well its a good thing we went and visited them when we did" he started, feigning a casual tone. "why?" my sister asked. "because my father just had a stroke." it hasnt hit me yet, though it should have. i dont know why it doesnt bother me. maybe because i have the insane hope that he'll make it? the chances are slim. he's over ninety, weighs less than my sister, and he's been slowly declining for the past year. maybe thats why, because i had come to terms with it earlier? i knew it was an inevitable fact of life? what bolluscks. i know it will hit me soon, maybe when my dad brings it up at dinner, which, i need to eat right now.

oh i hate this feeling. its a million in one. i feel...annoyed, mad, and that this whole thing is so unfair. but then i feel like i deserve it, because i havent given them reason to trust me. then i fill with frustration at the fact that i did nothing wrong tonight, how ironic! then i get annoyed at how my parents should realise i've broken up with him, i'm not seeing him anymore. i'm not sneaing around or anything. but then i realise how would they know? im so reclusive from them, but i really dont care. i feel like they ask too much of me, and ask too much in general. i cant explain it. i hate feeling this way because it was such a small thing, but it brings up such a larger issue with myself. i really wish i oculd just resolve all my problems. like...i dont know. i'm sick of everything. new deal. i'm gonna try and not lie to my parents. maybe like for a month or something. but...i know that its not worth it because i beat myself up about it later, i live in fear ...

i just helped my dearest friend open up. apparently i was the only one who ever bothered to try and figure her out, when she couldnt even do it. i feel an insane burst of pride, i must say. i can see why she does this. its good to forget about your problems, if only for a little while. its almost four, i'm so tired, but im feeling damn good right now :)

its that time again. i find myself wishing for the oddest things. no more "i wish i'll be able to go hereor there", or "i wish i'll have fun doing this or that". its too mundane. no, now its more abstract. i cant find myself asking for him to call, or not to call, because i dont know what i want. i wish for the strength to do what is needed, i wish for this to be the right decision, i wish for myself to be ok with the outcome, whatever it is. they are silly wishes, leaving the end result wide open, making myself feel better about myself. oh i find myself hilarious sometimes. like i am so weak, yet i suprise everyone with my strength. who knows, maybe wishing on 11:11 is the key to my success. how funny that would be. and if it was, i've just jynxed myself, thats for sure. :) cheers.

i'm not sure why all this happens. i took time out from feeling low today. i felt...stunned, taken aback at the things that had happened as of late. it all seemed so surreal. it reminded me of a line from across the universe "who you are defines what you do" i believed max's words to be true, but his father's had more of an impact on me. "what you do defines who you are" how you react to situations sets you up for your mindset all through life. if you get into the habbit of being weak and indulgent, it will determine your personality. and with these words i find...comfort. though i have been thrown into this completely unwelcome heartbreaking ordeal and i want nothing more than to pretend it didnt happen, i feel that however i deal with this will define me as a person. apparently i've managed well so far. i have been told that i have wisdom beyond my years. everyone says i am strong. and though i dont normaly regard myself in such light, it is welcom...

self inflicted head in hands her words wont come thoughts are vacant ghosts of emotions she feel her heart beating she hears the blood rush all is still, she hears all feels all real feeling in the absense of sentiment numb to the pain

bend me to fit your slanted views blur me to appease your multiple personalities dip me in water chain me to your defenses paint me up cut me down fold me hold me burn me break me taunt me haunt me leave me with this blackened hole after all..i am strong. i can take it.

i'm sick of being a teenager. this is supposed to be the most carefree years of my life, full of halfbaked plans, spontinanity and just doing shit for fun. but here i am making huge deals out of everything. great, i'm wise beyond my years, i'm mature and strong. well what if i dont want to be? i'm a teen, i'm supposed to be stupid, immature and indulgent. theres no fun in being this great model of a mind if it doesnt fit. but there's nothing i can do about it so i'm just gonna wait until my body catches up with my mind.

i feel i am waiting, for something ungraspable. i feel my heart speaks to me in dreams but my head cannot comprehend it's messages. and in my mood i turn to someone who explains it for me. Joni. I am on a lonely road and I am travelling travelling. Looking for something, what can it be? Oh I hate you some, I hate you some..I love you some. Oh I love you when I forget about me. I want to be strong I want to laugh along. I want to belong to the living. Alive, alive, I want to get up and jive, I want to wreck my stockings in some juke box dive. I am on a lonely road and I am traveling...Looking for the key to set me free. Oh the jealousy, the greed is the unraveling, Its the unraveling, And it undoes all the joy that could be. I want to have fun, I want to shine like the sun, I want to be the one that you want to see

sometimes i feel like i'm only half here. like i have one foot in reality and the other in my mind. i focus on my thoughts and the rest becomes blurred. today i went to the psychiatrist. i had been wanting a meeting for some time now. i only got ten minutes of her time because it was last minute, taken out of my mom's meeting. i didnt care, anything would help. i needed advice badly. so i went in, gave her the low down, and she told me that because of my age she expected me to have gotten back together with him. that i wouldnt have been able to deal with the loneliness and i would have given in just so i wouldnt have to be alone. but the fact that i didnt shows that i have wisdom beyond my years. this sparked something in me. i willed myself not to cry. i was so close to giving in. so close it wasnt funny. and a part of me loved what she said but another part felt guilty. i hadnt told her about justin. i was stupid and thought it would make me sound like an ordinary teenager. j...

it makes me feel very good about myself when random people like the stuff i do

i heard my sister playing guitar. i got excited and decided to join her. with the giddiness of an infant i started offering suggestions of what songs we could play together. i even brought up my guitar book. i had been looking for someone to play killing me softly with ever since i learnt it last week. it had two parts. i sat there playing around with the song, trying to convince her, but she eventualy said "you totaly interupted my jam session." in a mock over serious voice but i knew she didnt want me there. fine. i felt like an idiot at the fact that it upset me as much as it did. i take things to heart to often and i should just tell myself to stop but i cant. i'm just so emotional as of late.

to drown would be so easy. i sit alone and cold.i go off on a whim, thinking of how i would love his arm around me. but i immediately shy away from the idea. i am not sure why. i have poisoned his memory in an attempt to make this easier. i find myself questioning what have i done? i am afraid of myself. afraid of what i am capable of. i wonder to what lengths i would go to in order to do what i feel is right. i have no concept of the word anymore. i dont believe in right. i dont believe in anything. i dont even believe in me. and i sure dont believe in love. "love will see us through this" no. i have a terrible renching pain in my heart at the thought if it. i feel a burning hatred rising in my chest when i think of things people have told me. Well they give me all kinds of warnings to save me from ruin , i may have just gone with the majority. democracy wins, but i lose. he loses. every now and then i find my mind going back to him. wanting him back. then i stumble in ho...

Think In a dangerous world Why are we not aloud to think? Why can we not think for ourselves? Why must we suffer? Do you feel that we are not good enough? Why do you question? We people are aloud to think You cannot control my mind You cannot control what I think I am who I am I think what I think And maybe thinking is the answer. ©2007-2008 ~sakuraroseblossom

this is madness. is this karma? is this divine payback sheer luck? or should i say misfortune. i think too much.

is it normal to be this unsure? is it right to flip flop from each extreme, every time thinking it is right? feeling absolute validity to my actions only to turn around and have them muddled? i dont know what is right maybe there is no right answer and i will run circles in my mind never coming to a finite conclusion. i need to know both sides i need to feel them come to know them intimately before chosing one. but the more i come to know one the harder it will be to leave it behind. and i have defeated the purpose.

i have a fear of putting myself out there. of telling it as it is and letting the chips land as they may. i require a first move by the other party before i make mine. i have a fear of getting hurt. my mental block prevents me from realizing that i should just go for it. i shouldnt care if i get hurt because i may just stumble over something amazing. i wish i was still a child. i wish i didnt know anything. i wish i just acted on impulse because i didnt know hurt or pain. everything was so carefree.

i am not afraid of death. Death will be simple. It is one thing that humans haven't been able to overcomplicate. We've created a sentiment about it that weaves in to the idea of death that makes us fear it, but the physical aspect is the same as it has always been.

I want to write eloquently simple lines because less is more. Just the back bone, the heartbeat of an idea, typed up on a page, taking up barely any space at all. I'd love to be able to capture a whole whirlwind of sentiments in a few well worded lines.

my neighbor called the house this morning. in her broken english and heavy greek accent she says that "Abby has gone. out front door. mikos no home." so me and my mother went out to try and find her. i didnt have to go far, i found her in my neighbor's back yard, trapped behind the shed. it took me a while to tell Eva, my neighbor, that i had found her, but once she understood, she invited me in to sit in her kitchen. i had never really been comfortable around Eva. i'm shy and cant keep a convorsation going, and with the language barrier it was even worse. she spoke loudly and i always had the impression she was mad at me, which was never the case, but i was intimidated none the less. but i sat and answered her questions as clearly as possible. she smiled and said "i understand nothing." i smiled back and just sat down. she told was telling me about abby, but i could tell she was flustered and annoyed because she automaticaly turned to fast unintelligable g...

i am shedding my skins of yesterday. i need to rid myself of the internal suffering that clings to my soul. i must forget my past pleasures and pains and start anew. old lies have come undone, i see the uneasiness in their eyes and it burns me. i am starting over. clean slate, square one. i have left this car, and i step into another. i feel hands grabbing me, trying to pull me back. my two selves clash and i am torn. torn between yesterday and tomorrow, what was and what will be. these chains of love and chains of fear have held me too long. i feel their burden on my aching back and i will myself to let go. as the metal slips between my fingers i feel a new fervor. i hold nothing to him. no moth to a flame. and it hurts. this new freedom. have i misused, or used correctly? my head is reeling and i know i have not been myself for the past three days. i have run from my past, from my present. i have tried to conceal the pain and i fear it has worked. but it has brought on a new variatio...