my brain hurts..

i am shedding my skins of yesterday. i need to rid myself of the internal suffering that clings to my soul. i must forget my past pleasures and pains and start anew. old lies have come undone, i see the uneasiness in their eyes and it burns me. i am starting over. clean slate, square one. i have left this car, and i step into another. i feel hands grabbing me, trying to pull me back. my two selves clash and i am torn. torn between yesterday and tomorrow, what was and what will be. these chains of love and chains of fear have held me too long. i feel their burden on my aching back and i will myself to let go. as the metal slips between my fingers i feel a new fervor. i hold nothing to him. no moth to a flame. and it hurts. this new freedom. have i misused, or used correctly? my head is reeling and i know i have not been myself for the past three days. i have run from my past, from my present. i have tried to conceal the pain and i fear it has worked. but it has brought on a new variation. of unsureness, of constant questionings. that was one thing i did not have in my past. i knew i needn't fear. and remeberances of it bring me back in a rush of memory. snippits fill my mind and it brings me to my knees. i know i cannot return there. i cannot tempt myself with it. and oh the irony. i had wanted to hold on, but he did not. he wanted all or nothin and was given the later. now here i am, wanting nothing at all, only to be given a taste of my own. calling back to me, not giving up. but i have gone. i have cried enough tears but with his voice he calls more up to the surface. but i must be strong. strength. what a curious thing. i do not pretend to understand it. they all tell me i have it. and now i see their truths. i do not know what calls me on to do what i do, what reasonings i have. all i know is i believe that i have a validity to my actions. i see a bigger picture, perhaps? i have stopped kidding myself. i have come to grips with the situation. i realized that i was blind. i tried so hard to make this work because i wanted it to. i was so caught up i did not see the bigger picture. somethings are better left. life moves on, and so must i. i want to remember this as it was at the best of times. i want a clean cut, i do not want to rid myself of this only to be dragged through it again and again. i know it hurts. my heart breaks for you. but although i know this is one of the most unfair events as of yet, i believe that your luck will change. even the losers get lucky sometimes. remember us as we were, know we had something special. accept it, come to terms with what is happening. and if you feel yourself strong enough, maybe, down the road, we can still be friends, as gay and overused as that phrase is. you are a special person. it would be a pitty to lose you completely. but i fear that if i see you too soon i will come to question my decisions though i know they are right. i will want the instant relief, and it will hurt me. please accept my decisions and if you feel you cant, then there cant be anything between us. i'm sorry.