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i write to occupy myself

to drown would be so easy.

i sit alone and cold.i go off on a whim, thinking of how i would love his arm around me. but i immediately shy away from the idea. i am not sure why. i have poisoned his memory in an attempt to make this easier. i find myself questioning
what have i done?

i am afraid of myself.
afraid of what i am capable of.
i wonder to what lengths i would go to
in order to do what i feel is right.
i have no concept of the word anymore.
i dont believe in right. i dont believe in anything.
i dont even believe in me.
and i sure dont believe in love.
"love will see us through this"
no.

i have a terrible renching pain in my heart at the thought if it. i feel a burning hatred rising in my chest when i think of things people have told me. Well they give me all kinds of warnings to save me from ruin, i may have just gone with the majority. democracy wins, but i lose. he loses. every now and then i find my mind going back to him. wanting him back. then i stumble in horror and cry out what have i done? i cant go back. things will never be the same. leave it to me to muddle everything up. but there is still a part of me that validates my decision, that leave a whisp of relief in my soul. i was a fool to believe i could just erase everything that reminds me of him. that in distancing myself from him i'd be able to forget him and move on. i have troubles with forgiving and even more with forgetting. and i know no matter what i'd think of him, in times of deep sadness and loneliness. i cant bring myself to describe the way he touched my life. i'll cry if i do and i've wasted too many tears on him. but i cant turn my back on happiness, even if it was tarnished. truth is he made me feel great, most of the time. and i know i cant trust him as i did, i know i cant go back to loving him the way i did, but i cant leave him in the past. chances are i will regret this choice, but i feel i need to do it. i need to talk to him. i need to hear him. because this loneliness is leaving a black hole in my chest and my vital signs may soon flatline...i dont knwo what i'm saying anymore. i need to get out of here.

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