thats what you get for sucking carpet.

He tells me i'm strong. i'm the centerhold of my family. he makes it so much more than i feel it is. maybe i do that too. or maybe thats how it seems for people around me. he says i'm emotional too. i agree with that. i'll become upset over one thing, then it makes me remember everything i was upset about before, and i start to cry about my bottled up feelings. i continue on like this until i dont even know what is making me cry, but i'm aware that i look like an immature baby. i feel immature when people call me strong. i don't know why, really. i guess because i dont feel that i am. i just dont think i deserve that title when there are people out there with way more troubling lives than me, people who have to put up with a lot more, who deserve the title of "strong" i just don't feel that i've put up with that much bullshit, which he thinks i do. i dont know. certain things, like leaving him, despite his thoughts of it being unfair. he knows that its the right thing for me and he admires me for that. maybe i do have an inferiority complex. i just dont see what people keep talking about. maybe i'm just crazy. whatever. i gotta go now.

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neighborhood nights

I feel like somewhere along my life there was a shift. Suddenly nothing was for fun any more, it was all necessary. Suddenly I'm bothering with what others think, afraid to link any connotations I deem negative to my being. Why do I care what people I've never met, who'll forget they ever saw me, think of me; this obscure stranger in their peripherals. It's a warped sense of mind and place, seeing the space around me in my mind's made up ways. So I stray away from everyone, isolating myself unwittingly, turning them against me. Self fulfilling prophecies, I succeed in creating this reality. I need to break free from my mind's mentalities, with which negativity has propelled me. So I've started a new sport. I call it neighborhood night dancing. Donning headphones and heading out alone to the empty streets as the city sleeps, and moving to the beat. Letting it compel me towards a freedom long gone missing. Letting go is an art. Complete release is a tough ...

i dont know where im going with this

no one ever needs anything. they only want. "i need to get atleast 75 on this test" no. you want it. because you want a good mark because you want your mark to go up..ect." you want it because you dont want the alternative. aka failing. you dont need to go to school. you probably should, you probably should want to, but you dont need to. lets get a more exagerated example "you need to take this medicine for your illness or else you'll die." you might think this is a flaw in my theory. but it isnt. you want to take the medicine because you dont want the alternative; death. but you dont need to take it. you never need to do anything.

Iwill be dragged through the slime and the mud

And I mean..I fucking love you. And I promise you it's gonna be okay. It always has and always will. Your heart is so warm and love so pure . There's so many perceptions of so many people Each with a different view, a different insight. I don't know if I can listen to anyone anymore. No one knows the raw core emotions that i keep well-guarded And I don't want anyone to know. I'm beginning to hate myself, hate the monster I feel growing. Please...someone make me believe I'm not damned for all time? Good-bye yellow brick road.

rude awakenings

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