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pour vous, mon vielle amour

i recognize the lameness of writing you a letter, but i have trouble speaking my mind when it matters most. i know you think i should take you back, that i am overreacting over this whole thing. maybe i am, but i have made my choice. its hard to explain, but this is the right thing for me to do. sometimes i wish i could just go back to you. erase the past month. but something has changed inside me and i dont see how it will be possible. i need to move on with my life. we had something special, but it died. you may not think so, but i do. i really dont want you to try and convince me to get back with you. my mind is set, and you will resolve nothing except making me feel like shit for doing what i did. i feel so bad for you, nothing seems to go right in your life. and i feel guilty for my choice, even though i shouldnt. its a huge responsibility, being "the best thing" in someone's life. i didnt want to leave because i wanted you to be happy. but i want you to know that i am over you. i feel confident in my choice, and i feel...free. being with you put so much stress on me, and it got to a point where i couldnt take it any longer. when i look back on our relationship, i know it wasnt meant to be. it always went too far for me, i always felt regret, either from letting you push me, or from lying to my parents. i think that i had my mind set on making this relationship work, because i was so happy to be in a relationship. i would do things for you that just didnt seem like me. my friends and family were worried but i didnt notice because i was too intent on you. we were so alike, but there were differences that took their toll on me. i couldnt stand my parents' constant disapproval at your highschool or job status, and it killed me when they kept asking me questions, always feigning a casual tone but i sensed their uneasiness. this kills me to say but i think i was in love with the idea of love. dont get me wrong, i loved you, but maybe not as much as i had thought. i cared about you and i still do, which shows that i feel something for you, i'm just not sure what it is. i just cant be tied down anymore. i have signs of depression and anxiety at a really young age, and i need to just relax. i want to be carefree. in the past few days i have felt so good. i'm really bad at explaining my feelings, but i just want things to be cool between us. i cant stand you being mad or upset with me, and i really dont want to be mad at you. i thought that turning my back on you would make this easier, but i was wrong. i need to be friends with you, and i hope you realize that thats as far as i'm willing to go. i just want you to accept my choice, and if you cant then maybe there cant be anything between us.

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