21.6.13

Bad Day

This morning we woke up to the stiff still form of our feline friend Snookums. She had been struggling with some mystery pain the day before, meowing and dragging herself around trying to find comfort. I had sat by her side trying to massage her stomach, scratch her ears, anything to reduce her suffering. I thought she could pull through. And now I am riddled with guilt. Would taking her to a vet have saved her? There's no way to know. It was so sudden. She was off for the past week, but had been getting better. Then out of nowhere she was overcome by this pain. I don't know what brought her down. I wish I did, wish I could have answers. But the fact remains that she's gone.
The worst part is she wasn't our cat. We'd been looking after her long term while my friend was living with her aunt. We had her for four months, every day falling more in love with her. Now my heart is hurting and my spirits are low. Life can be so fleeting. And death is so permanent. 
I don't know how to feel. 

20.3.13

neighborhood nights

I feel like somewhere along my life there was a shift. Suddenly nothing was for fun any more, it was all necessary. Suddenly I'm bothering with what others think, afraid to link any connotations I deem negative to my being. Why do I care what people I've never met, who'll forget they ever saw me, think of me; this obscure stranger in their peripherals. It's a warped sense of mind and place, seeing the space around me in my mind's made up ways. So I stray away from everyone, isolating myself unwittingly, turning them against me. Self fulfilling prophecies, I succeed in creating this reality. I need to break free from my mind's mentalities, with which negativity has propelled me.

So I've started a new sport. I call it neighborhood night dancing. Donning headphones and heading out alone to the empty streets as the city sleeps, and moving to the beat. Letting it compel me towards a freedom long gone missing. Letting go is an art. Complete release is a tough thing to master, but the faster you dance the better the chance of it. I Love it for it's exhilaration; the sensation of being scared yet not caring if people catch you in the act. I react with a laugh and a leap into the streets, heart pounding, astounded at my actions. Each dance is a step towards reclaiming the wonder of childhood that I've lost along my way. So I stay in my groove, knowing I'm moving closer to a better me. Someone who sees the world with fascination rather than aggravation. I need a confirmation that I am an awesome human, and this takes shape in my night grooves. One small skip for me, one giant sashay for the improvement of my brain.

13.3.13

ABCRC, y u no job?

I'm not in the greatest mood today. Last Tuesday I had a job interview for a go green team ambassador position with a beverage container recycling company. Basically I'd go to events around Alberta and spread the word about recycling. Basically it would be an incredible job for me because I'm such an eco-freak with a passion for recycling. The interview felt like it went well, the interviewer was an incredibly chill lady looking only a few years older than me, and she kept saying 'good answer' to what I was saying. She told me she'd let me know by the end of the week either way, but now it's  Wednesday of the following week, and still no email. What's worse is apparently two guys from my class who only applied as a joke got positions there. So it isn't looking good at all, and I'm really sad. I'm not the most outgoing person, it's true. I would probably have troubles instigating conversations with passers by, but I'm willing to try, because this is my passion and I've been dying for an opportunity to help spread the word. I felt like I portrayed myself as a passionate and dedicated individual in the interview, but I feel like I wasn't 'outgoing' enough, or somehow she realized I'm shy and wouldn't be right for this position. I have driving myself crazy all week, obsessively checking my emails to no avail. Guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I thought I was qualified, and was confident, only to have that confidence slowly dwindle away to this point, where my motivation to do anything is at an all time low. I feel like there's no point to try anymore, which is melodramatic, yes. But such is life. I climbed that hill, looked out upon the crest, only to fall back down the other side. Now I sit in the sunless valley, staring up at these walls, lacking the energy to start climbing again. But after some rest perhaps I will.

4.3.13

Maggot Brain

I am filled with the feeling of too much to do, but when given the time all I can accomplish is looking back at these blog entries with a detached sensibility. I am removed from them now. Peculiar, how these words remain fixed here, memories I would rather forget. But I am now wet with memories, soaked in ancient feelings I thought had shriveled away in the sun. One thing struck me was my way with words. It has always been a talent, but I exercised it more in adolescence. Now the muscle is weak and the words are hard to lift from my mind to this page in any way worth telling. I need to stop telling myself that. Evolution is inevitable and I have been changed by this passing of time. I am fascinated with progress, with the slow steady growth of each individual. Sophistication, intelligence, ever shifting dreams and schemes. But there is always an essence that remains unchanged. The spirit which guides us to who we want to become through time and space. I am happy now. I've always been content, but pain would find me often. Wrong loves have long tortured me, and I was twisted in my belief that that was all I needed to ask from this world. Now that I have genuine whole happiness I can't remember that pain clearly, but I know it existed and shaped me into my present being. And I am thankful for the experiences and the context it has given me to which I can quantify my present state. All things considered things have never been better. Self reliant, no more parental disapproval, a job at a chocolate store, a quaint basement suite, a loving boyfriend of three years, a career path in place. I feel like all the pieces are laid out before me, all I must do is collect them and place them perfectly so.

Well, I've got to go to class now.