31.12.08

just write and dont stop. dont think just write. because writing cures this cannabalistic boredom that is rooted in my mind. dont think. just write. who cares what it is if it makes sense if its eloquent or just pure garbage. if it will help then do it. go on. dont pause like that, thinking of a good word to put next. this is no time for frilly adjectives. go deep. feel it, because its better than feeling nothing. remember. or forget, or just go on.
my fingers look too pink in this light. its too dark and nowhere near the hour of long expected celebration. i should not feel this way. its just another day. we've made it into an excuse to stay up late, drink champagne and kiss. it cant be that romantic. it's like starting over, people say. but to me it just shows how little we've progressed.
"andrea?" "yes?" "we're going to eat soon." "ok."
another distraction. excellent. where is everyone? i feel so alone. i havent eaten a real meal today. i ate cereal out of a cup, and some crackers and a banana. where was everyone? my sister was off with a friend, i wish i could have had that same distraction. my parents fumbled with Highway companions, getting less than they deserved through procrastination. and i sat here, praying not to have that fate, to try and be good, to get it done with. i couldnt do it. i fell into this screen and its petty distractions willingly. these forgetful convorsations, perishable feelings. nothing ever matters. i' mwasting time no matter what i do. i used to have it all set out. mind over matter. i'd get things done to taste the blissful freedom. now i can't do it. i want the freedom more than ever, though i know it will destroy me. its a precarious balance; i can't seem to get my footing. so many have fallen. as we speak i hear his cries. i know what lies down his path, i want nothing more than to save him, reach out to him, but it's not me. too long he's lived without those neccesary evils, those responsibilities that can make or break us. he's broken but i still see the fight in his eyes. he'll do it, if not for him then for me. we both know it.

dont you love her face

here's to another lonely night
no one there when the clock strikes
oh to taste freedom
let it wash over me, if only temporary.
i don't want it to be permanent.
i've seen it take down so many.
how can something so great be so terrible?
a great and terrible beauty.

28.12.08

ever before

love; such an odd term...i guess you know right away if you've fallen into it. but i'm still uncertain. i feel as if 'm just a silly girl, who doesn't know anything. that i'm calling this feeling by a completely wrong name. but i can't just ask someone what love is. it's something in all of us, maybe it's not the same from person to person. i feel so alone. i want to talk to him so much its almost unbearable. this scares me. i can live without him, i've done it for the past. i could have. but i changed my future. i'm not caring about what i could have done if i'd done other things. i'm dealing with the circumstances i've laid before me. this is so hard. i never really thought about it. i don't want to go through all that again. but..i just wish things were simpler. but i'll live with what i've got i guess..

26.12.08

and i feel fine


funny, how we make certain things into such big deals.
how i held out for so long, riding on a certain belief.
i was right to do it, but i just thought that once i'd done this
i'd change, a bit more. that'd i'd feel different,
iinexplicably altered.
but now all that remains is tenderness, quickly fading
i'm just the same.

me psychiatrating myself.

I was lucky to have a good childhood,I was very well taken care of, back when my mom was a little more herself. Now I'm at a point where I can take care of myself somewhat, and that may be one of the causes of my mom's depression, feeling like she isnt needed anymore. So she tries to show us that she is needed by going on strike, adopting the old "you don't know what you got till it's gone" tactic. Acctualy, that makes a lot of sense..

25.12.08

happy christmas :)

eeeeeeeeh baby girl

i thought i was ready
and maybe i was
but...i didn't imagine it like this

though it feels good to have a secret ;)

24.12.08

best recipe!!

bring to boil 1 cup of dried dates and 1 cup dried appricot sheets with enough water to cover. let add 1 tsp lemon zest, 3 whole cloves, and 1 tbsp of ground allspice. simmer 10 minutes, until soft and syruppy.
take a sheet of philo pastry, butter it and fold in half. place a spoonfull of date and apricot filling along one edge, roll once, fold edges up then continue rolling. butter the length of the rolled pastry then roll again into a coil. place on greased baking sheet.
repeat until all filling is used up, butter the tops of each coil and top with chopped pistachios.
bake for 25 minutes at 375 degrees.

um.

my heart is full of emotion
indescribable, almost fightening.
how i'm so succeptable to all this.
i went in level headed
and now i'm...changed.in one evening, it all changed.
i felt that this was right. i had no reason behind it
nothing words could really truly explain
just something you'd have to feel.
i'm scared...
yet at the same time i'm completely calm.

she says i'm a

Lover Of Lost Things

23.12.08

i don't mean to offend, just to put my oppinion out there.

i don't believe in organized religion because everyone is different and we all use religion for our separate purposes. i think it's just a way of bettering our lives but we've lost touch of the real meanings. people take the metaphorical meaning and turned it literal, causing a terrible war between for example creationism and evolution, along with wars fought over religions, which really defeats the purpose of religion in the first place.

it was created to explain things when our civilization was new and we didn't know any science, so now that we do know practically everything religion shouldn't matter, but it seems to matter more than ever.

i think religion is also for the weak. like they need it to find the beauty in life, to be better people, to find meaning and purpose, when they could do it all on their own, find the beauty inside of themselves instead of relying on this old man in the sky to do it for them.

religion is good on the personal level but not when you start thinking you're right, and forcing it upon other people

21.12.08

(just like) starting over

my heart was pounding and my mind was reeling.
all flashing by in a blur.
i kept thinking about what had happened
and what might.
i couldn't think strait.
suddenly it all stopped.
the only thing i cared about what right now.
right there. him and me.
the way he felt in my arms
his skin against mine
the way he looked at me
with his hair wild and eyes so full of emotion.
he told me i was beautiful.
he told me he loved me
it made me cry. but not like before
these were tears of realization
of elation; bliss.
i held him tight and whispered
"i love you too.."
and there wasn't a doubt in my mind.

and in the end nothing happened,
yet everything had changed.

19.12.08

wild one, forever

i talked to you yesterday. i wasnt expecting it, but it was more than welcome. it made me cry, the way you always know when something is wrong. i'm not sure but it may be my favorite thing about you. i've always wanted someone like you. to pry it out of me when i'm too afraid. suddenly i felt terrible. when we're apart you slip from my mind so easily. but when i hear your voice, or even read your words, i'm launched into love again. i don't know what that means. maybe i'm too strong, or too weak. or just human..

18.12.08

freedom is hairless


social studies


this class is terrible. a huge project on kosovo. i've never even heard of the place. yet in 1998 a war broke out. thousands were killed, presidents overthrown, new governements were formed, then abolished. i don't know nearly enough about it to realyl understand. i keep switching from french pages to english ones and the discrepancies are giving me a headache. is serbia the same thing as yugoslavia? this makes no sense.

17.12.08

i need release


i want to burn it all away.

watch it glow red, cherry red,

fill my lungs with the hope of healing and deliverance

until i cant take it anymore, then exhale it all away.

leaving me in quiet abandon.

16.12.08


i stared at my face in the mirror.
maybe it would change in front of my eyes again.
change into another strange product of senseless features.
but all i could see was the way my brow was furled.
i couldnt detach myself from the pain in my eyes.
the emotional overflow obscured my vision
masked the plain and simple with the overrated.

15.12.08

wait! breathe.


i wrote it down one side. a simple little message for those who look deeper.


i decided, what the hell? i looked to the other side. it made me smile.
"and i think i'm annoying. wait. breathe."
its like...stairway to heaven. in my own little way.

the sun is the same in a relative way

But I'm older.

did it start the way they said? reversed lovers for earthly means?
will it end the way they say it will? reversed death?
maybe i can re reverse it. bring it back. everything has a begining
and everything has an end.
lets make it good.
i refuse to be tied to these mystic wanderings
refuse to be a casualty of these technological coincidences.
it doesnt mean anything.
so why cant i get it out of my head?

14.12.08

you wont even read this.

i see two kinds of people.
those who are afraid of him and use his creepyness against him,
and those who embrace his creepyness.
then theres me.
i'm probably one of the only people who took the time to see past that.
i cracked him and found a completely new person inside.
you wouldnt understand.
not until you see what i've seen.
and until you do i dont want to hear one word from you,
acting as if your oppinion matters more than my own.
you dont know shit.
i'm not what i used to be when you last knew me.
i've changed and i dont even think you realize that.
i'm no longer that shy little girl, wanting to make everyone happy.
i'm through with that little girl. i live for myself now.
you can still tell me what you think,
but dont think i'll take it into concideration.
you dont know me at all, you don't know what's best for me.

11.12.08

hmm....i havent written anything in a long time.
i guess i'll say that its me against the world again
but im a stubborn taurus, just like she said.
i do what i want!
:)

8.12.08


28 years today.

7.12.08


if nothing would change why did i change it?
oh well.
i think i can live with my decision.
i just wish i could see him more often
its a good thing he's whipped
or i'd never see him.

5.12.08


i'm empty and aching, just like i was before
i hate myself for thinking it would be different.
i just want to spend every minute with him
because....
i don't know.
but i have a feeling that if i figure it out i'll feel a whole lot better.
never mind.
and i feel like i've sold my soul to the devil
i've bound myself to eternity for earthly means.
i was never afraid of commitment before
i'm not sure of anything anymore
i don't know if this is good, if this is bad
i dont know what i had
what i have now
what's changed, what's the same
i don't even know what love is.
i dont think i ever did.

uh oh...?


In the upright possition, the Lovers is about finding that other half of ourselves. It might be a person, but it can also be anything that completes us, that speaks to us--a career, a cause, a religion. It usually involves us making a choice to go for that something and so feel whole, unified. Reversed....

1) Opposite: The clearest opposite to coming together is being split apart. So one of the simplist and most obvious messages here is a break up. A couple breaks up, a family split, a fight within a company causes it to be fragmented into two parts...neither of which is as strong as when it was unified and whole. One thinks of famous comedy teams, that chemistry between partners, where magic happens when they're together...but apart, they're just not the same.


Also, the reversed Lovers could be a bad or wrong choice has been made.


2) Upsidedown: The Lovers card is very interesting when turned upside down. Right-side-up, the Angel dominates. This is important as the card (Rider-Waite style), is dominated by Gemini--which is not only partnerships, but communication and the mind. Hence, the card is symbolically talking about a spiritual or mental connection.Turn it upsidedown, and the Angel is grounded. What ends up on-top are the genitals of our naked man and woman--and the mountain between them. We get, in essence, a hint of the up-right Devil card, with baser, earthier desires behind the choice. I would read this as saying that the choice that's being made is being made for the wrong reasons--and therefore, is probably the wrong choice. That the querent isn't using their head or intuition, that communication between the two halves is not happening except below the waist. Putting it another way, two things are coming together that may fit, but do not create that unity. In a relationship reading, this would probably indicate that the two were NOT soul mates--that they are together for earthly reasons (a woman wanting a husband or father of her children), not because they were really ment for each other. Likewise with other choices a person might make--choice of career, cause, religion. They're doing it for practical, earthly reasons, not because it makes them feel whole. That mountain is there between the two halves--they cannot be united as they should be. They will never form a whole.

here we go here we go

and in the end, things come full circle.
the end result is the same as it always was.
maybe this year it will be different.
maybe it wont.
but i'm here now and i'm not nervous anymore.

3.12.08

skidittle


i refuse to conform to your preconceived definitions.
it is what i make it, whatever i want is what i have.

2.12.08

maye


maye
Originally uploaded by love-a-little-more
we use words like fate and destiny to help us realize the truth that was infront of us the whole time. we always end up making things harder on ourselves; more complicated. and i'm still trying to figure out why. why we cant just take the responsibility and the initiative to take control of our own lives, no skirting around the facts. i dont know why we need an intermediate, a middle man to take the on burden of our invertebracy.

i loved you when our love was blessed, i love you now there's nothing left.

you said you were trying to convince yourself otherwise
you were trying to forget, just like i had tried
i was strong
you were weak
i wasnt strong enough for the both of us
and i fell into you like a river
i thought it would drown me.
but i can breathe under water
when it's mind over matter
i miss you already