28.3.10

Second season I am to know

You are my phantom limb.
You're there in an awkward limbo, a not-quite-memory. I wish I wasn't too weak to help. Nowadays my life is disconcertingly simple. I can't get used to it. The simplicity is so complicated, so confusing that I can't comprehend it. My brain is subconsciously searching for faults, grown accustomed to cracked sidewalks and leaky faucets. Finding none, I almost feel empty. I feel there is something missing, but it's probably for the best.
I'm still keeping my secrets, the way I always do, only for the sake the of safety in routine. They've decreased in size, in importance, mere flesh wounds, nothing fatal that would fester the tissues of my mind. My mind is less cluttered, more emotionally sound than it's ever been. I feel I have been healed of these wounds of the past, but the scars remain, sometimes they itch, just begging for me to reopen them. Bring the memories back.
What happened happened and couldn't have happened any other way.
It's like looking at the sun for too long. It's imprinted on your eyelids, burnt into your retina long after the fact. It will fade only with time. As does everything. I'm afraid of the sun. I've been blinded by it's glare. I long for a cool calm night, with the moon to bathe me in silver dipped stars so I can finally be whole again.

21.3.10

Had the best night last night. I convinced my parents to let me sleep over at scott's band member's party, and Ihada blast. All dressed in 80's best, both men and women wearing tight clothes and bright make up. Me and scott had three quarters of a two six of gin between ourselves, smoked some double apple sheesha, then I made him accompany me to the washroom where I proceded to puke. Feeling better afterwards and refusing to stay sick, we went back to the party and hung out for a few more minutes until I made him accompany me back to the washroom again to puke. After that I felt much better and we all went out to the park nearby and played drunk grounders. Then a few of us went and hot boxed scott's car while, in absolute perfect timing, bohemian rapsody came on the radio and we rocked out wayne's world style extremely blitzed. After that we went back to the party, hung out, a few of the guys were on chatroulette which quickly turned too awkward to watch. eventually we turned in at 3am, me and scott slept extremely uncomfortably in their rehearsal room, between drums and amps on a small foamy and under a sleeping bag, but I didn't care because it felt amazing being able to stay in his arms. my head in his chest, I was rolling peacefully on an ocean, riding the cresting waves each time he inhaled a deep and sleeping breath. Although some parts of the evening area little hazy, that memory contrasts vividly.
So good.

15.3.10

I'm working on a new idea.
It will be great fun.
mixing science with philosophy.

best part about it?
I though it up laying naked
beside my love
in the late hours of the night.

He tells me I have elloquence
that I can perfectly find the words
for the feelings we both feel

9.3.10

I cant shake the feeling that this is going to be so incredibly hard.
And I'm afraid of the potency of the things I'm feeling.
Emotion is such a trippy thing.
Able to make or break us.
I want to flourish in the sunshine of your love
but I feel like I'll be crushed by the boot heel of the world
before my leaves start to grow.
Before I can turn your light into the sweetest sugar.
Before my roots can anchor me in the rocky ground of life
to help me keep composure in a flash flood of difficult circumstance.

I want to grow tall despite all odds.
I want to bear the fruit of my efforts,
showing it off to those who are hungry,
inticing them to eat,
and letting the seeds of inspiration grow within them
so that they can continue the life cycle

7.3.10

You know what I want?
I want “true love” and “marriage” and “soulmates”
to stop being just words,
ideas with no relation to my life.
I want to realize that I’m coming to the end of one chapter
and turning the page to the next.
And with the new beggining it’s more about the future
in regards to ’right now’.
And less about the past.
This is a transition where it’s acceptable to start thinking about
“5 years down the road”
and thinking about you still there beside me.
But I’m having hard relating the check list
that the adults in my life have completed, to my life.
Settling down happens. Marriage happens.
People find people perfect for them.
It’s not an unusual occurance.
And no matter how much I want to think about my future,
I can’t seem to let go of my past.
It’s catching up to me just when I thought I was home free.
Sometimes I feel your arms around me
and I want to push you away with all my force
But I remember that you’re not here.
That someone much better is in your place.
And I don’t want to push him away.
I want to love him, with every peice of me.
I want him like you wanted me
but how I could never want you.
I am happy, with him.
and I want to stay with him.
But I’ve had too many bad experiences,
with “too good to be true”
where the saying was frustratingly precise,
for me to be fully relaxed.

I’m getting better, though.
I’m breaking down these walls of scar tissue
each stone upon stone that you helped pile high
they’re coming tumbling down.

Let these walls come tumbling down”

I said it like I finally found the way
To keep the good feelings alive
I said it like it was something to strive for
.

This is a love I’ve never felt before
And I love it.

I want to kiss you like a traffic jam.
I want to move slow.

I don’t mind the stop and go
as long as I know
I’m moving towards you.
Moving towards an unknown final destination
of unimportance, because
it’s the journey that’s the masterpeice.

I want you to come with me
You can ride shot gun and nap in the early mist
while the scent of hot coffee sloshes in the cup holder.
But it’s not caffeine that will keep me awake.
It’s the electrifying nearness of you
And the excitement of the future
with you by my side.