16.3.11

juss one o' those moods.

rant: commencing.
oh how i wish you could read minds. so i dont have to bother you with my problems, you could just know they existed and be the knight in shining armor. but i don't want to bring you down to my level. dont want to tell you what's bothering me because i feel like i'm just complaining, and im afraid it bores you. that's my biggest fear. is that my problems are so frequent they become a burden instead of an opportunity to heal. i just really need you. i remember when we first started dating i told you i never wanted to need you, but i need to be wanted. i need you to want to help. and i know you do. but there's always that fear. that unloading myself upon you will bury you and you'll be helpless, pinned like a butterfly and having to watch as i struggle on my own, because sometimes you're clueless. but that's fine. you try to and you've been getting better, but i am a complex woman. a fragile woman who is built out of sand and comes crashing down at the slightest wave. i am needy. i'm sensitive. i cry about fucking everything. and knowing that it makes you nervous makes me not want to cry, but that makes me feel bad for crying which makes me cry harder. oh woe is me, aint it? i make big deals out of everything. i know i do and i know you think i'm overreacting sometimes, and i am, but it kinda hurts to know you think so i guess. i dunno, it's hard.
I've always been that good girl. the one that no one can ever be mad at. and no one really has. i've successfully evaded many types of conflict, but all it's done is made me weak. i havent built up a tough outer shell as a defense mechanism. I'm naked and squirming and able to be wounded by the slightest scrape. i guess i need to work on that. but it's a huge process, and sometimes i just need someone to let it all out to. I've lost my best friend to long distance and you're the only one i talk to with the slightest amount of candor. so sometimes i just need you to hold me and let me cry, let me complain, let me be a big baby, because that's how i cope. after a good cry i feel great. light and clean, like a new clothes, waiting to be dirtied again. it's not a great cycle i've got going, but it's me. and if im gonna have the courage to start changing, i need you to be there every step of the way unconditionally. and i know you will be. but part of me, the vile weak and scared part, is so horribly afraid you wont.
i dont know why i wrote this. just one of those moods where it's been a horrid day and all i want to do is talk to you, but the only talking between us is you calling to say the plans have changed. i guess that was the icing on the cake, and having so much to say and no one to say it to, i just let it out all here. i wasn't planning on showing this to you, but after the counseling i figured it would be good to share as much of what's going on in my head with you. hope it doesn't scare you. sometimes i just need to write it all out and have done with it.
i love you.
and i learnt something else after writing this. you wont always be there to help me when im sad, and i need to be able to help myself. i don't need to always unload on you. i am strong, when i want to be, and i need to be self reliant. having you beside me or on the other end of the line when i'm feeling down is amazing, but that's not always going to happen. and it feels good to be able to work through my sorrow and foul moods on my own, because i don't have to bury someone beneath all my rubble in order to relieve myself of my loads.

12.3.11

http://bl00dysunday.livejournal.com/

he (?) has some crazy things to say. puts me in a weird mood. like i'm awakening to something that's always been in front of my eyes. he states the blunt in a hopelessly misanthropic manner, but there's a hard edged truth to it all, held against my neck with the intention to cut. his words sound like cigarette smoke and fill my ears with cottony apprehension.