i hung up on you because i wished you'd call me back and it would be different. but you never did. i'm not the type to push and shove for attention but i crave it so deeply. "huney, you're not talking.." "i know." "ok" not what i wanted to hear. i wanted you to hear what wasn't being said but you were too caught up in your happiness and carefree games. i couldnt bare to disturb you even though it ate away at me. i held the phone away as i cried. i hated myself for it. and it was finaly too much and i pressed that button and it hit me; hard. the tears came, harder stronger louder. i cried like i hadn't in forever. no one to hear me, worry and fuss. i let it all out. now why was i like this? what made me break? thats. just. it. i. dont. know. there's something wrong with me and it's tearing me apart.
i dreamt you were beside me, in a school gym for some reason. you held me close and though it was busting, it was just you and me. we embraced and it was so real. so new. it startled me, but later i though maybe i'd felt your kundalini snake, uncoiled from your base chakra. our breathing became synchronized and i felt one with you. a state of pureness.
That fear that reality will consume you, change you inalterably, into a monster. You feel that guise of preferable visions slipping, your hands tied, nothing to hide you from that inexplicable horror. You're afraid of your capacity to hurt, the animal you'd become. You made me feel cold with anxiety, but i was not afraid. curiosity. do you know what's out there? that painful reality? Could it really be that bad? My perception is different from yours. I am not afraid. I may be stupid, I may be blissfully unaware. But no, I am not. I will always be unaware of everything out there. But I wont turn my back on the possibilities. How does reality impact each of us differently? There is no collective reality, besides what is purely physical. That is all i see and it calms my mind. Who knows what will be, what could, what has? Recycled emotions. The way you feel now, other people have felt it too. You're not alone. I'm rooted in my reality and i haven't perceived yours, save for the odd insight. I've glimpsed so many realities but yours is the one I've come to admire and love. It scares me, but though we're afraid of the unknown we are drawn to it. We need to capture, catalog and explain it all away. We give everything we feel titles to know other people have been here before. Our depressions, our mental diseases are nothing new, nothing special in the grand scheme of things, but to us it's everything.
You're so unlike anyone I've ever met before. I don't know how I understand you the way I do. I could understand anything, but it would be understood in terms of my own way, in relation to my reality. Maybe i don't get it. But there's no way to prove it. You can't prove anything. Take it out on faith that your words wont be in vain. Don't back down. There's no easy way out. You have an aura of strength about you, You have been faced with so much. But you have this inexplicable understanding of everything, this elloquence, as if you've come to terms with it.
maybe you can only love what you know. but because you figure you can't really know anything, you have trouble loving it.
i don't belong to you. and you don't belong to me. we belong together. we belong to the fates we don't belong to ourselves but we belong to this world. what is our bodies in comparison to our soul? what is it that i feel as opposed to what i feel? they're only recycled emotions. it's always the same but the color of sensation paints a different picture each time.
your eyes looked hauntingly familiar. i felt like you were pulling me in to some secret. begging me to understand something. you sat down and i though little of you, but those eyes kept boring into me. they saw something more than what strangers would let on to knowing. you saw what we were for what we were. never give up on love. be happy because that is everything. you knew we loved eachother. you called me attractive and you called him handsome. it could have been nothing, a drunkard's attempt at a compliment, but i thought you sensed something more, the way i did. i reached and held his hand and you smiled at us with an unplaceable emotion. you mumbled to yourself and i tried to reply but i couldnt summon the words. i was mutely bewildered, touched by the momentary joint in our three worlds. the countless faces i pass by without a second thought, what ocean of new ideas could i witness, what array of insight could be mine? anyones? we went our ways and you went yours. you said one last thing. thanks for your eyes. i realized later it didn't mean nearly as much as i though it had. he stared into his eyes and i thought he could see what i've seen. the beauty that's behind it. and i'll never really know.
you kill me inside i don't know what went wrong those whole 6 months we were dating we barely ever faught. we had...what, 2 fights? and now we've had 2 fights in a week. if you had any clue how this tore me inside maybe you'd watch your fucking temper.
(just like) starting over. it's time to spread our wings and fly. we can't return we can only look behind. it's the same crap you've heard a million times over. but with each new day the words have a different meaning. or maybe they don't maybe the meaning is always the same but i never am.
you've really filled me with hate. i can't just forget. i'm so close do just exploding. i really don't like this. i wish it was different. i wish all this hardship could have passed you by. i thought it would be different now. but you really cant catch a break. its acctually impossible. you've put this...thing..on my shoulders. i know you don't mean to but you did. i can't hold you back. i dont know what to do. not the faintest idea. if you snap then i snap too. it wont be my fault but i'll take it that way. i can't hold you back and it scares me. i love you so much. i don't want to see you like that. because i cant help you. i don't have a clue. blue moons cant come soon enough. but i'm so afraid it wont get fixed. i want it to be a fairy tale. spiritual and healing. i guess whatever happens happens.
these feelings are destroying me. tearing at me, taunting me. knowing i'm stronger, but knowing it's so easy to slip down into it. let it build me up and tear me down. i want it. i want release, i want this to be over. it will fade soon enough if i let it be, but to go out in a blaze of glory. this sensation, like johnny rotten.
We all have our own little instruments of apostasy; deffiance. Illusioned school days; fake sleepovers; sneaking out; sneaking in. To each his own but the back bone is the same. Our negation to authority, to reality. There's always that chance that this dangerous tight-rope walk could burn us.That allusion to destruction that keeps us tentative. The higher you fly the harder you fall. I learnt from my indescretion, it didn't result in contrition, but prudence. It's not in our nature to conform indefinitely.
i feel it tear at the back of my throat, urging, taunting. its so close, effortless to just let go, let it take over. but i wont. i refuse to be weak. i know it wont work, but i can try and go as long as possible.
i sat, blank, the the steam thick around my head. i thought of everything. of you, of us, but mostly me. what was wrong. i sighed. maybe i was twisted inside. my heart was just wrong. i stoped scratching my arm. i could feel the heat pulsing through my skin. i laughed inwardly. you said this would help. that i'd wonder why i was so upset about it in the end. today is the 4th. you told me to write about new year's eve, why it happened that way. i still dont have one. i lied i do have one, but its not worthy of poetry. i was depressed. i saw no motivation in anything. nothing was safe and nothing i loved could save me. no one i loved. you couldn't pull me out and that put me over the edge., sent me headfirst to that dark place. i started humming a tune laughing and crying, you know it's the same release. i never understood depression. i recall someone saying it was a safe place. you never want to leave. you know it's unhealthy, hurtful and destructive but you can't stop. like a drug. i brought my legs up to my chest and rested my head against my knees. i watched the mist clinging to the glass, creating thousands of glistening droplets. you told me i was strong. it was easy to believe you when my cheeks are dry; but a completely different story when that monster grabs a hold.
the blackness fills my lungs pushes through my mind like a bitter wind. enticing me. i know i can destroy this if i try. i reject this weakness. i refuse to be like her if she turns this upon me i will shun her disease.
i washed my hair without even knowing it. my mind took a side trip and my body took over. it annoyed me more than it should have. i had planned on not washing my hair until semester two started, for some reason. just because i could. no matter. i stood there, blank and empty, watching the water careening of my shoulder lit by the pale winter light. i never noticed it before. my mind was working at a faster speed, slower or sharper, i couldn't decide. i watched, transfixed as dew covered spiderwebs flew everywhere, threads of glistening silver faded and fell. i didn't know why it was so beautiful to me. but it was one of the most incredible things i'd seen in a long while.
it was 4 minutes to midnight. we all rushed outside, for some reason. to hear how many people make noice when the clock strikes. i went along, it sounded fun. it took 4 minutes to get our winter wear on, me and my sister sat outside waiting, talking, laughing. somewhere in the distance i heard a pop. barely audible over our words. but i heard it and i knew what it meant. this year was over. when it struck i kissed the sky because i figured it was close enough.