31.1.09

it could be so right

we see things as they really are


but that's not they way they're supposed to be seen.
our endless search for answers

has taken the allure out of everything.

28.1.09

can i kiss your eyes?

nothing is meant to be
whatever happens
people get what they get
it has nothing to do
with what they deserve

Sweet Nothings

You know me too well.
you break these daily boundaries
these walls i tried not to build
you pave the way for happiness
in other conciousnesess.
I had a dream last night. It was beautiful. And all because of you

27.1.09

this sums me up.



I'm small. I'm needy. Warm me up...and breathe me.
This incomprehensible fear of mine,
intangible and incoherent.
These tears that fall too frequently for no forseeable reason.
The emptiness I feel within
The way I'm clutching to this elusive happiness.
seeking out this higher conciousness
wanting inebriation but not by normal means.
repeating my mantra of mind over matter
but the more immersed in this,
the more trying it is to find reprieve.
I push the one's I love farther and farther away
in hopes that they'll read my mind
know that I'm in need
wanting fiercely for help
but too wavering to ask it myself.

that is it, the song is over. thought I'd something more to say..

26.1.09



Because I don't want to hear what can come out of my mouth when I'm angry enough.

And I'd rather not talk about it.

That is all.

help me. someone. please.

i hung up on you because i wished you'd call me back
and it would be different.
but you never did.
i'm not the type to push and shove for attention
but i crave it so deeply.
"huney, you're not talking.."
"i know."
"ok"
not what i wanted to hear.
i wanted you to hear what wasn't being said
but you were too caught up in your happiness
and carefree games.
i couldnt bare to disturb you
even though it ate away at me.
i held the phone away as i cried.
i hated myself for it.
and it was finaly too much and i pressed that button
and it hit me; hard. the tears came, harder stronger louder.
i cried like i hadn't in forever.
no one to hear me, worry and fuss.
i let it all out.
now why was i like this?
what made me break?
thats. just. it.
i. dont. know.
there's something wrong with me and it's tearing me apart.

25.1.09

tantra

i dreamt you were beside me, in a school gym for some reason. you held me close and though it was busting, it was just you and me. we embraced and it was so real. so new. it startled me, but later i though maybe i'd felt your kundalini snake, uncoiled from your base chakra. our breathing became synchronized and i felt one with you. a state of pureness.

24.1.09

stoney-eyed


That fear that reality will consume you, change you inalterably, into a monster. You feel that guise of preferable visions slipping, your hands tied, nothing to hide you from that inexplicable horror. You're afraid of your capacity to hurt, the animal you'd become. You made me feel cold with anxiety, but i was not afraid. curiosity. do you know what's out there? that painful reality? Could it really be that bad? My perception is different from yours. I am not afraid. I may be stupid, I may be blissfully unaware. But no, I am not. I will always be unaware of everything out there. But I wont turn my back on the possibilities. How does reality impact each of us differently? There is no collective reality, besides what is purely physical. That is all i see and it calms my mind. Who knows what will be, what could, what has? Recycled emotions. The way you feel now, other people have felt it too. You're not alone. I'm rooted in my reality and i haven't perceived yours, save for the odd insight. I've glimpsed so many realities but yours is the one I've come to admire and love. It scares me, but though we're afraid of the unknown we are drawn to it. We need to capture, catalog and explain it all away. We give everything we feel titles to know other people have been here before. Our depressions, our mental diseases are nothing new, nothing special in the grand scheme of things, but to us it's everything.

You're so unlike anyone I've ever met before. I don't know how I understand you the way I do. I could understand anything, but it would be understood in terms of my own way, in relation to my reality. Maybe i don't get it. But there's no way to prove it. You can't prove anything. Take it out on faith that your words wont be in vain. Don't back down. There's no easy way out. You have an aura of strength about you, You have been faced with so much. But you have this inexplicable understanding of everything, this elloquence, as if you've come to terms with it.

maybe you can only love what you know. but because you figure you can't really know anything, you have trouble loving it.

20.1.09

did i lose my drive before i even had a chance to test it?

i love that sensation.
you and me. so warm. so close.
your eyes with that manic fruition
i want you to want me
i need you to need me.
Cadenced, entwined;
fingers, limbs, entities, souls.
Oh stars, shine, as i radiate with that lucid glow.
Oh my love, for the first time in my life; my eyes can see.
Can they see? do they notice?
Lets take a trip somewhere, all alone.
Just us. You. Me. Be together.
Closer than ever before.
I almost need this.
Almost promise myself, but a promise is more like a wish

And don't tell, but my wish came true.

19.1.09

hey mister dragonfly


everybody's worried about time, but i just keep that shit off my mind.

people living on twenty four hour clocks, but we're on a ride that never stops.

i'm too expanded- stretched- to concentrate


i don't belong to you.
and you don't belong to me.
we belong together.
we belong to the fates
we don't belong to ourselves
but we belong to this world.
what is our bodies in comparison to our soul?
what is it that i feel as opposed to what i feel?
they're only recycled emotions. it's always the same
but the color of sensation paints a different picture each time.

we're on a ride that never stops.

16.1.09

make it count

i don't know why i still do it
they never come true
maybe i can't wish for others
only myself
because i have contol over myself
and can subconciously do all i can
to make it come true

15.1.09

thanks for the eyes.

your eyes looked hauntingly familiar. i felt like you were pulling me in to some secret. begging me to understand something. you sat down and i though little of you, but those eyes kept boring into me. they saw something more than what strangers would let on to knowing. you saw what we were for what we were. never give up on love. be happy because that is everything. you knew we loved eachother. you called me attractive and you called him handsome. it could have been nothing, a drunkard's attempt at a compliment, but i thought you sensed something more, the way i did. i reached and held his hand and you smiled at us with an unplaceable emotion. you mumbled to yourself and i tried to reply but i couldnt summon the words. i was mutely bewildered, touched by the momentary joint in our three worlds. the countless faces i pass by without a second thought, what ocean of new ideas could i witness, what array of insight could be mine? anyones? we went our ways and you went yours. you said one last thing. thanks for your eyes. i realized later it didn't mean nearly as much as i though it had. he stared into his eyes and i thought he could see what i've seen. the beauty that's behind it. and i'll never really know.

14.1.09

I can't quit you babe

And this is when you're like a drug.
You rip at me, cut me down.
but you're the only one who can bring me back up again.

I use you,
I abuse you,
I need you
and I don't want to lose you.

When it's good its pure bliss, but when it's bad, it's hell.

time wont wait for us

you kill me inside
i don't know what went wrong
those whole 6 months we were dating
we barely ever faught. we had...what, 2 fights?
and now we've had 2 fights in a week.
if you had any clue how this tore me inside
maybe you'd watch your fucking temper.

you're gonna make it if you try, they're gonna love you.


(just like) starting over.
it's time to spread our wings and fly. we can't return we can only look behind.
it's the same crap you've heard a million times over.
but with each new day the words have a different meaning.
or maybe they don't
maybe the meaning is always the same
but i never am.

12.1.09

he did it.

you're a fucking monster.
strike that. we're all monsters.
just some people show it more than others

11.1.09

everytime the phone rings, or i get a new message, my heart jolts. then sinks. maybe i need it to be like that. maybe its what keeps me going. my little defibrillator.

arg im bored.

just hold me back.

you've really filled me with hate. i can't just forget. i'm so close do just exploding. i really don't like this. i wish it was different. i wish all this hardship could have passed you by. i thought it would be different now. but you really cant catch a break. its acctually impossible. you've put this...thing..on my shoulders. i know you don't mean to but you did. i can't hold you back. i dont know what to do. not the faintest idea. if you snap then i snap too. it wont be my fault but i'll take it that way. i can't hold you back and it scares me. i love you so much. i don't want to see you like that. because i cant help you. i don't have a clue. blue moons cant come soon enough. but i'm so afraid it wont get fixed. i want it to be a fairy tale. spiritual and healing. i guess whatever happens happens.

hey hey my my

these feelings are destroying me. tearing at me, taunting me. knowing i'm stronger, but knowing it's so easy to slip down into it. let it build me up and tear me down. i want it. i want release, i want this to be over. it will fade soon enough if i let it be, but to go out in a blaze of glory. this sensation, like johnny rotten.

10.1.09

blue moon















We all have our own little instruments of apostasy; deffiance. Illusioned school days; fake sleepovers; sneaking out; sneaking in. To each his own but the back bone is the same. Our negation to authority, to reality. There's always that chance that this dangerous tight-rope walk could burn us.That allusion to destruction that keeps us tentative. The higher you fly the harder you fall. I learnt from my indescretion, it didn't result in contrition, but prudence. It's not in our nature to conform indefinitely.
that sweet reminder
like the dust that fills my lungs
that admonition.
cold handle in my grasp.
bumpy road and jarring ride

fill my little red wagon
with the treasures people have abandoned

6.1.09

i feel it tear at the back of my throat, urging, taunting. its so close, effortless to just let go, let it take over. but i wont. i refuse to be weak. i know it wont work, but i can try and go as long as possible.

doo da loo

this is painful. heart-renching.
what crap hand could he have been delt
what are the chances that it had to be this bad?
more important, what were the chances i had to fall in love with this?

4.1.09

Hell's the hippest way to go

i sat, blank, the the steam thick around my head. i thought of everything. of you, of us, but mostly me. what was wrong. i sighed. maybe i was twisted inside. my heart was just wrong. i stoped scratching my arm. i could feel the heat pulsing through my skin. i laughed inwardly. you said this would help. that i'd wonder why i was so upset about it in the end. today is the 4th. you told me to write about new year's eve, why it happened that way. i still dont have one. i lied i do have one, but its not worthy of poetry. i was depressed. i saw no motivation in anything. nothing was safe and nothing i loved could save me. no one i loved. you couldn't pull me out and that put me over the edge., sent me headfirst to that dark place. i started humming a tune laughing and crying, you know it's the same release. i never understood depression. i recall someone saying it was a safe place. you never want to leave. you know it's unhealthy, hurtful and destructive but you can't stop. like a drug. i brought my legs up to my chest and rested my head against my knees. i watched the mist clinging to the glass, creating thousands of glistening droplets. you told me i was strong. it was easy to believe you when my cheeks are dry; but a completely different story when that monster grabs a hold.

the blackness fills my lungs
pushes through my mind like a bitter wind.
enticing me.
i know i can destroy this if i try.
i reject this weakness.
i refuse to be like her
if she turns this upon me
i will shun her disease.

3.1.09

best described as

spiritual positions

i want it to be heavenly.
i always regarded it as something
beautiful
one once told me there was
nothing
like sharing it with someone you
really loved
i was single then,
more alone than ever.
i'm counting down the
days.
because i have you
back
and i want to witness this
allure.
make this contrition
dissapear.

1.1.09

can you feel it



i washed my hair without even knowing it. my mind took a side trip and my body took over. it annoyed me more than it should have. i had planned on not washing my hair until semester two started, for some reason. just because i could. no matter. i stood there, blank and empty, watching the water careening of my shoulder lit by the pale winter light. i never noticed it before. my mind was working at a faster speed, slower or sharper, i couldn't decide. i watched, transfixed as dew covered spiderwebs flew everywhere, threads of glistening silver faded and fell. i didn't know why it was so beautiful to me. but it was one of the most incredible things i'd seen in a long while.
it was 4 minutes to midnight. we all rushed outside, for some reason. to hear how many people make noice when the clock strikes. i went along, it sounded fun. it took 4 minutes to get our winter wear on, me and my sister sat outside waiting, talking, laughing. somewhere in the distance i heard a pop. barely audible over our words. but i heard it and i knew what it meant. this year was over. when it struck i kissed the sky because i figured it was close enough.