i d

unnoAt one point, I was at the crossroads. A was at the point where I could make a choice. Unfortunately I didn’t stay long here; I rushed off blindly in the indulgent direction, not considering even for a second the consequences that would follow. I didn’t even realize how big of a choice I had just made. In retrospect I realize that love isn’t blind, it makes you blind to the penalties. Foresight is not one of my strong points
We have the opportunity to change our lives every day. It’s so easy to wallow in your self pity and think the world is out to get you. You recede into a dark little world where you’re only half there, where it’s hard to see the big picture and foresight is nearly impossible. It’s a safe haven where you don’t have to be responsible for your future; you just go with the flow and see where life takes you. Mostly you don’t get far. Eventually the odds will pile up against you and you’ll be stuck with nowhere to go. The longer you let yourself be pushed around by life’s injustice the deeper you dig your hole and the harder it will be to get out. Speaking from personal experience – from many experiences to be exact- you need to be responsible for your decisions and you need to know what you want out of life. Times will get you down, I know, because I’m down right now. The small things grow and grow till they affect many other unrelated aspects of your life. So you failed a math exam per say. Your parents would be mad; you’d feel inadequate and get mad at yourself as well. Depending on how you take control of your feelings, the problem could get worse or fade away. To use the overused cliché: “when life gives you lemons...” you just have to put things in perspective. It was only one math exam. Just study harder next time. Don’t believe that because you didn’t do so well on this certain unit that you won’t do well on anything else ever again. Yes I know that sounds drastic but I’ve seen it happen.
I once had a friend who lied to her parents. First off they don’t trust her anymore. But somehow she gets lucky and her parents understand what she’s going through and they’ve decided to tentatively let it slide. So the right think would have been to stop lying so she could regain their trust. And in a way she had, but there are still some things that you just can’t suddenly come clean about. In her case it was that the guy that she was going out with was 18 and a high school dropout. Not something you really want to tell your parents. One thing led to another and they grew suspicious. So she did what she though was right; she came clean. This was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. Her parents felt betrayed that she’d continued to lie to them even after they’d been so understanding of her. By this time she was feeling like she couldn’t do anything right and that the world was out to get her. But she didn’t give up, and I admired that. She knew that this was just a rough patch and over time it would smooth over. Perseverance and foresight are two commendable traits in life, as she soon discovered. If you have the will then nothing is impossible. Like a junky who decides to clean up his act and change his life around, or a dancer who followed her dream, no matter how unachievable it seemed.
It would have been so easy to give up and declare it hopeless, but no good can come from that. Once you discover this then life can easily be changed. Its scary, to realize the obscene freedom we have in directing our own lives. To discover that no one else can step in and make decisions for us. Complete self reliance is a sure fast way to figure out your capacity in directing your life. Riding the coat tails of those around you never amounts to anything worthwhile.


money isnt the answer. it's the problem

so, what do you do when your boyfriend wants to buy you a rich present for your birthday? if he had a good job or was insanely rich, then no problem, but right now he's unemployed, plus he's a highschool drop out, meaning he doesnt make that much money. he needs to pay rent, needs to save for his family vacation and a digital camera. and yet he is hell bent on getting it for me. money doesnt buy happiness. and an obsenely expensive gift is not a way to show the love you have for me. and what's more, his birthday is coming up in less than a month, and personaly i dont want to spend a lot of money on his gift. i want to get him something he really needs or has really wanted. something that has a lot of thought behind it, so it will mean more to him. at the moment all i can think of is a j.h. pin (lamee i know) and this painting i did in art, that he really wants. like...i'm not a big fan of spending money. i'm cheap like my mother. but money shouldnt matter.


topics of no obvious conclusion

"i look at it like this" he replied when i asked him my favorite question; would you rather know everything about something or something about everything. "if i knew something about everything i'd have an oppinion on everything but everything i had an oppinion on someone would know more about and therefore have a stronger oppinion with more chance of overcoming mine. but if i knew everything about something, sure its only one thing, but i'd know all the details so i'd be more inclined to voice my oppinion."

public washrooms.

so i went in this really spiffy public washroom at the end of the hippy park on 17th. it was cool yes, but it scared me so much at the same time. just how everything was automated, like we have no control anymore. can we not be trusted with getting our own toilet paper? it has to be dispensed to us in the perfect amount? the flaw with this is one small malfunction and the whole room is dead. well there are more than that for flaws, but i could talk forever and you'd get bored. but its just like I Robot, and though that's fiction, it doesnt seem that impossible anymore. its all for safety measures, like..10 minutes max so homeless people wont take advantage of it. but its just so over the top i hate it.


s.o.s. to the world

a hundred billion bottles.

we are not alone.

we may get lonely, but we are never alone.


i am writing blindly

It is human impulse to write our feelings in times of peril. Why do we write though? We’ll be dead and no one will read what we wrote. Is it the chance that someone may? Our need to write down our views and situations on the off chance someone will come across it? Talking or thinking about feelings doesn’t leave any physical proof. We are exhilarated by the unknown; we want people to understand us, to familiarize themselves with what we’re going through. The idea of our words living on when we’ve passed away is exciting. Everyone wants to live forever, perhaps not literally, but when we write something that is kept by others –and even if it isn’t- we live on in our words.


numero uno.

k well i'd write more but i'm off to have a shower.