just write and dont stop. dont think just write. because writing cures this cannabalistic boredom that is rooted in my mind. dont think. just write. who cares what it is if it makes sense if its eloquent or just pure garbage. if it will help then do it. go on. dont pause like that, thinking of a good word to put next. this is no time for frilly adjectives. go deep. feel it, because its better than feeling nothing. remember. or forget, or just go on.
my fingers look too pink in this light. its too dark and nowhere near the hour of long expected celebration. i should not feel this way. its just another day. we've made it into an excuse to stay up late, drink champagne and kiss. it cant be that romantic. it's like starting over, people say. but to me it just shows how little we've progressed.
"andrea?" "yes?" "we're going to eat soon." "ok."
another distraction. excellent. where is everyone? i feel so alone. i havent eaten a real meal today. i ate cereal out of a cup, and some crackers and a banana. where was everyone? my sister was off with a friend, i wish i could have had that same distraction. my parents fumbled with Highway companions, getting less than they deserved through procrastination. and i sat here, praying not to have that fate, to try and be good, to get it done with. i couldnt do it. i fell into this screen and its petty distractions willingly. these forgetful convorsations, perishable feelings. nothing ever matters. i' mwasting time no matter what i do. i used to have it all set out. mind over matter. i'd get things done to taste the blissful freedom. now i can't do it. i want the freedom more than ever, though i know it will destroy me. its a precarious balance; i can't seem to get my footing. so many have fallen. as we speak i hear his cries. i know what lies down his path, i want nothing more than to save him, reach out to him, but it's not me. too long he's lived without those neccesary evils, those responsibilities that can make or break us. he's broken but i still see the fight in his eyes. he'll do it, if not for him then for me. we both know it.

dont you love her face

here's to another lonely night
no one there when the clock strikes
oh to taste freedom
let it wash over me, if only temporary.
i don't want it to be permanent.
i've seen it take down so many.
how can something so great be so terrible?
a great and terrible beauty.


ever before

love; such an odd term...i guess you know right away if you've fallen into it. but i'm still uncertain. i feel as if 'm just a silly girl, who doesn't know anything. that i'm calling this feeling by a completely wrong name. but i can't just ask someone what love is. it's something in all of us, maybe it's not the same from person to person. i feel so alone. i want to talk to him so much its almost unbearable. this scares me. i can live without him, i've done it for the past. i could have. but i changed my future. i'm not caring about what i could have done if i'd done other things. i'm dealing with the circumstances i've laid before me. this is so hard. i never really thought about it. i don't want to go through all that again. but..i just wish things were simpler. but i'll live with what i've got i guess..


and i feel fine

funny, how we make certain things into such big deals.
how i held out for so long, riding on a certain belief.
i was right to do it, but i just thought that once i'd done this
i'd change, a bit more. that'd i'd feel different,
iinexplicably altered.
but now all that remains is tenderness, quickly fading
i'm just the same.

me psychiatrating myself.

I was lucky to have a good childhood,I was very well taken care of, back when my mom was a little more herself. Now I'm at a point where I can take care of myself somewhat, and that may be one of the causes of my mom's depression, feeling like she isnt needed anymore. So she tries to show us that she is needed by going on strike, adopting the old "you don't know what you got till it's gone" tactic. Acctualy, that makes a lot of sense..


happy christmas :)

eeeeeeeeh baby girl

i thought i was ready
and maybe i was
but...i didn't imagine it like this

though it feels good to have a secret ;)


best recipe!!

bring to boil 1 cup of dried dates and 1 cup dried appricot sheets with enough water to cover. let add 1 tsp lemon zest, 3 whole cloves, and 1 tbsp of ground allspice. simmer 10 minutes, until soft and syruppy.
take a sheet of philo pastry, butter it and fold in half. place a spoonfull of date and apricot filling along one edge, roll once, fold edges up then continue rolling. butter the length of the rolled pastry then roll again into a coil. place on greased baking sheet.
repeat until all filling is used up, butter the tops of each coil and top with chopped pistachios.
bake for 25 minutes at 375 degrees.


my heart is full of emotion
indescribable, almost fightening.
how i'm so succeptable to all this.
i went in level headed
and now i'm...changed.in one evening, it all changed.
i felt that this was right. i had no reason behind it
nothing words could really truly explain
just something you'd have to feel.
i'm scared...
yet at the same time i'm completely calm.

she says i'm a

Lover Of Lost Things


i don't mean to offend, just to put my oppinion out there.

i don't believe in organized religion because everyone is different and we all use religion for our separate purposes. i think it's just a way of bettering our lives but we've lost touch of the real meanings. people take the metaphorical meaning and turned it literal, causing a terrible war between for example creationism and evolution, along with wars fought over religions, which really defeats the purpose of religion in the first place.

it was created to explain things when our civilization was new and we didn't know any science, so now that we do know practically everything religion shouldn't matter, but it seems to matter more than ever.

i think religion is also for the weak. like they need it to find the beauty in life, to be better people, to find meaning and purpose, when they could do it all on their own, find the beauty inside of themselves instead of relying on this old man in the sky to do it for them.

religion is good on the personal level but not when you start thinking you're right, and forcing it upon other people


(just like) starting over

my heart was pounding and my mind was reeling.
all flashing by in a blur.
i kept thinking about what had happened
and what might.
i couldn't think strait.
suddenly it all stopped.
the only thing i cared about what right now.
right there. him and me.
the way he felt in my arms
his skin against mine
the way he looked at me
with his hair wild and eyes so full of emotion.
he told me i was beautiful.
he told me he loved me
it made me cry. but not like before
these were tears of realization
of elation; bliss.
i held him tight and whispered
"i love you too.."
and there wasn't a doubt in my mind.

and in the end nothing happened,
yet everything had changed.


wild one, forever

i talked to you yesterday. i wasnt expecting it, but it was more than welcome. it made me cry, the way you always know when something is wrong. i'm not sure but it may be my favorite thing about you. i've always wanted someone like you. to pry it out of me when i'm too afraid. suddenly i felt terrible. when we're apart you slip from my mind so easily. but when i hear your voice, or even read your words, i'm launched into love again. i don't know what that means. maybe i'm too strong, or too weak. or just human..


freedom is hairless

social studies

this class is terrible. a huge project on kosovo. i've never even heard of the place. yet in 1998 a war broke out. thousands were killed, presidents overthrown, new governements were formed, then abolished. i don't know nearly enough about it to realyl understand. i keep switching from french pages to english ones and the discrepancies are giving me a headache. is serbia the same thing as yugoslavia? this makes no sense.


i need release

i want to burn it all away.

watch it glow red, cherry red,

fill my lungs with the hope of healing and deliverance

until i cant take it anymore, then exhale it all away.

leaving me in quiet abandon.


i stared at my face in the mirror.
maybe it would change in front of my eyes again.
change into another strange product of senseless features.
but all i could see was the way my brow was furled.
i couldnt detach myself from the pain in my eyes.
the emotional overflow obscured my vision
masked the plain and simple with the overrated.


wait! breathe.

i wrote it down one side. a simple little message for those who look deeper.

i decided, what the hell? i looked to the other side. it made me smile.
"and i think i'm annoying. wait. breathe."
its like...stairway to heaven. in my own little way.

the sun is the same in a relative way

But I'm older.

did it start the way they said? reversed lovers for earthly means?
will it end the way they say it will? reversed death?
maybe i can re reverse it. bring it back. everything has a begining
and everything has an end.
lets make it good.
i refuse to be tied to these mystic wanderings
refuse to be a casualty of these technological coincidences.
it doesnt mean anything.
so why cant i get it out of my head?


you wont even read this.

i see two kinds of people.
those who are afraid of him and use his creepyness against him,
and those who embrace his creepyness.
then theres me.
i'm probably one of the only people who took the time to see past that.
i cracked him and found a completely new person inside.
you wouldnt understand.
not until you see what i've seen.
and until you do i dont want to hear one word from you,
acting as if your oppinion matters more than my own.
you dont know shit.
i'm not what i used to be when you last knew me.
i've changed and i dont even think you realize that.
i'm no longer that shy little girl, wanting to make everyone happy.
i'm through with that little girl. i live for myself now.
you can still tell me what you think,
but dont think i'll take it into concideration.
you dont know me at all, you don't know what's best for me.


hmm....i havent written anything in a long time.
i guess i'll say that its me against the world again
but im a stubborn taurus, just like she said.
i do what i want!


28 years today.


if nothing would change why did i change it?
oh well.
i think i can live with my decision.
i just wish i could see him more often
its a good thing he's whipped
or i'd never see him.


i'm empty and aching, just like i was before
i hate myself for thinking it would be different.
i just want to spend every minute with him
i don't know.
but i have a feeling that if i figure it out i'll feel a whole lot better.
never mind.
and i feel like i've sold my soul to the devil
i've bound myself to eternity for earthly means.
i was never afraid of commitment before
i'm not sure of anything anymore
i don't know if this is good, if this is bad
i dont know what i had
what i have now
what's changed, what's the same
i don't even know what love is.
i dont think i ever did.

uh oh...?

In the upright possition, the Lovers is about finding that other half of ourselves. It might be a person, but it can also be anything that completes us, that speaks to us--a career, a cause, a religion. It usually involves us making a choice to go for that something and so feel whole, unified. Reversed....

1) Opposite: The clearest opposite to coming together is being split apart. So one of the simplist and most obvious messages here is a break up. A couple breaks up, a family split, a fight within a company causes it to be fragmented into two parts...neither of which is as strong as when it was unified and whole. One thinks of famous comedy teams, that chemistry between partners, where magic happens when they're together...but apart, they're just not the same.

Also, the reversed Lovers could be a bad or wrong choice has been made.

2) Upsidedown: The Lovers card is very interesting when turned upside down. Right-side-up, the Angel dominates. This is important as the card (Rider-Waite style), is dominated by Gemini--which is not only partnerships, but communication and the mind. Hence, the card is symbolically talking about a spiritual or mental connection.Turn it upsidedown, and the Angel is grounded. What ends up on-top are the genitals of our naked man and woman--and the mountain between them. We get, in essence, a hint of the up-right Devil card, with baser, earthier desires behind the choice. I would read this as saying that the choice that's being made is being made for the wrong reasons--and therefore, is probably the wrong choice. That the querent isn't using their head or intuition, that communication between the two halves is not happening except below the waist. Putting it another way, two things are coming together that may fit, but do not create that unity. In a relationship reading, this would probably indicate that the two were NOT soul mates--that they are together for earthly reasons (a woman wanting a husband or father of her children), not because they were really ment for each other. Likewise with other choices a person might make--choice of career, cause, religion. They're doing it for practical, earthly reasons, not because it makes them feel whole. That mountain is there between the two halves--they cannot be united as they should be. They will never form a whole.

here we go here we go

and in the end, things come full circle.
the end result is the same as it always was.
maybe this year it will be different.
maybe it wont.
but i'm here now and i'm not nervous anymore.



i refuse to conform to your preconceived definitions.
it is what i make it, whatever i want is what i have.



Originally uploaded by love-a-little-more
we use words like fate and destiny to help us realize the truth that was infront of us the whole time. we always end up making things harder on ourselves; more complicated. and i'm still trying to figure out why. why we cant just take the responsibility and the initiative to take control of our own lives, no skirting around the facts. i dont know why we need an intermediate, a middle man to take the on burden of our invertebracy.

i loved you when our love was blessed, i love you now there's nothing left.

you said you were trying to convince yourself otherwise
you were trying to forget, just like i had tried
i was strong
you were weak
i wasnt strong enough for the both of us
and i fell into you like a river
i thought it would drown me.
but i can breathe under water
when it's mind over matter
i miss you already


i dont like poetry

i long for intrepidness,
to be strong
for a willingness to move on.
but now i'm just trepid
dormant and vapid.
there's a word for everything

sail on

there's something tugging at something inside of me.
like there's something i'd rather be doing
someone i'd rather be seeing
somewhere else i'd rather be.
yet i'm rooted here
getting lost in this hopeless little screen.

herman hesse

"There is much to be said for contentment and painlessness, for these bearable and submissive days, on which neither pain nor pleasure is audible, but pass by whispering and on tip-toe. But the worst of it is that it is just this contentment that I cannot endure. After a short time it fills me with irrepressible hatred and nausea. In desperation I have to escape and throw myself on the road to pleasure, or, if that cannot be, on the road to pain. When I have neither pleasure nor pain and have been breathing for a while the lukewarm insipid air of these so-called good and tolerable days, I feel so bad in my childish soul that I smash my moldering lyre of thanksgiving in the face of the slumbering god of contentment and would rather feel the very devil burn in me than this warmth of a well-heated room. A wild longing for strong emotions and sensations seethes in me, a rage against this toneless, flat, normal and sterile life. I have a mad impulse to smash something, a warehouse, or a cathedral, or myself, to commit outrages, to pull off the wigs of a few revered idols, to provide a few rebellious schoolboys with the longed-for ticket to Hamburg, or to stand one or two representatives of the established order on their heads. For what I always hated and detested and cursed above all things was this contentment, this healthiness and comfort, this carefully preserved optimism of the middle classes, this fat and prosperous brood of mediocrity."


mother should i build a wall?

all i have to say
is why wont this ever end?
Every now and then I get down to the end of the day
I have to stop, ask myself why I've done it.
It just seems so useless to have to work so hard
and nothin' ever really seems to come from it.
it just never seems to end,
its something i need to keep working at, keep it up.
i've lost all motivation.
i guess i just expect other people to go for what they want
and if they want something from me they'll confront me.
but i guess people are just like me.
i hate this world. i hate humanity and civilization, technology, drama, history, ect. ect. ect.

for mango


just stfu

i've lost my faith in humanity. the merge lanes on the highway to acceptance disgust me.
no one sticks up for what they believe in when faced with adversity.
another example of the apathy of mankind.
is there no end to it?


oh the horror, humanity, agony whatever.


je n'aime pas la poesie

i try to make the words seem special
but they look up at me with despair in their eyes
and frustration on their lips.
i mirror their pains and shut the book.

i ain't jokin' i have to ramble on

life is a tunnel but i've hit the wall and the light's have gone off. these stupid little actions scorch the edges of my soul like some discarded work of art. i need to learn to let things go. i'll get back on my path and the things will recede into the past and into oblivion where the forgotten creatures live. but they surround me and fall about me now. their heaviness strains my lungs but i almost don't want to push them off. i just don't see why i'm peeling each layer of my mind away for nothing, for it to be lost in the winds of submission far away.

take me to the houses of the holy, let me run over the hills and far away and ramble on. i aint jokin woman i have to ramble on. you shook me, my time has come. this communication breakdown left me dazed and confused. the dancing days are over, good times and bad times too. i need to go away from this place, take me to the ocean. how many times will i go through this? i can't quit you baby..you make me happy every single day..you know i'd never ever ever leave you.


i dunno.

people react to certain situations because of who they are
but they are who they are because of how they react to certain situations.

engulfed in inner-workings

and i guess all is back to normal...
but what is normal?
these slight scrapings of the surface
cause this indescribable sensation...
its overwhelming
and i need to pull myself out
my mantra; it is what it is.


many men

everyone who wanted you
they found what they will always want again.
Your beauty lost to you yourself
just as it was lost to them.
Oh take this longing from my tongue,
whatever useless things these hands have done.
Let me see your beauty broken down
like you would do for one you love

and he said

faith is the antithesis of proof

and all i have to say

boys are so complicated.



when i think of your kisses my mind sees stars

it lightens something in me.
i know its fruitless, and maybe that's why i can't stop.
..i can't really explain it.

i have no trouble getting what i want, except for the fact that i don't know if it's what i'll want later. my wants change with every living moment. it's one of those things you cant define or predict. like beliefs and truths. they don't really exist...

there is no way for me to get what i want in one action because it keeps changing. at that one moment in time i wanted you, that's all. i wanted to experience you, win you over. and i got it. but after the fact i wanted more. and maybe i wanted never to have gone for it because i wanted it too much and it's hopeless. maybe i just want to blab on and on bout this to someone just to get it off me and into the wind to fly away.


how can others love me when i dont love myself?

i always looked up to you, i admired your many talents; your art, your voice, but mostly your skill at being a mother. you were always on top of everything, always there. i realized i may have taken it for granted and i really regret it. things have changed alot and it will probably never go back to how it was, but we can still make the best of this. i know the problems you have with us and yourself. i want to tell you it's all ok, and sometimes things are out of your control but that's the beauty of life, you just have to learn to accept it's not all up to you. realize what you do have control over and even if it's just yourself (which it usualy only is) then maybe that's all you need. its all in the mind, life's what you make it and all that bunk.
maybe its easier said than done. i bet it is but i can't even imagine. i just want you to know i'm here for you and i love you.
I'm selfish.
this is why i don't stick up for myself.
my signals are crossed and i don't know what I'm living for.
i live too much for the love of others.
if i hurt people in my quest i hurt myself too.
i...don't know.
it's hard to explain, but I'm getting better.

I'm tired of pretending
I'm broken from bending
I've lived too long on my knees
you are my savior of eloquence and simplicity.
i wish i knew your ways but i can only wish for wisdom in time.


i have no courage so here it is..

i don't know why i can't tell you this myself, why i need to resort to such coward methods.
maybe it's because i can always hope that you didn't read this. that you just clicked the x without realizing. i don't want to tell you because i don't want to make things worse. i dont want you to hate me. you're already so disatisfied with us. but it keeps getting worse inside of me. i want to tell you what i'm thinking, free speech and all that, but everytime i start you cut me off and recede into your own world and i'm left feeling ten times worse than when i kept my mouth shut. i didn't want to tell you because i started to think that maybe you were right. maybe i was just an ungrateful child and i should just stop complaining because you're almost always right. but the uneasiness inside me kept growing, and i didn't see the point of tearing myself down and nothing accomplised from it. if you feel angry or hurt by what i've said, then i'll tear myself down just the same, but atleast i've gotten it off my chest.

i wish you'd care more than this..

but i guess caring comes with love

and leaves with it too.

i'm sorry guys..i'm just unsatisfied with his reply.

and all you can say is 'im srry'..

i can't trust anything it seems.
i can't place my faith in something ever-changing.
nothing stays fixed and i'm left to live day by day,
no promises made, no conclusions or resolutions.
...what's the point?
i guess i just expected more from you.
I'm stubborn as those garbage bags that time cannot decay
because i thought i was something special.
i figured you'd care about me. i thought i was your world.
i guess i've failed you then. as you've failed me back.
you failed to give me hope, confidence in myself.
if i didnt mean something to you how could i mean anything to anyone else?

it's impossible for me to believe in anything anymore
i wish i was something amazing, worth remembering or remorse..
But i'm as common as each blurry face that wander on their way

it's all over now baby blue

third time's the charm?
this time was good for me.
i dont feel the way i did the last times.
where i thought i wanted it to go on
because i thought i was something special.
this time was different.
i knew i meant absolutely nothing to him
he didn't believe in love, just fucking around
and we were both in it for ourselves.
i wasnt his first and i wouldnt be his last
and in the big picture i'm nothing.
it made it easier to move on quickly.
i still thought about him, sure,
but i didn't waste anything on what could have been
still, he was a damn good kisser. =)


mr smith

it keeps coming back to me in snippits. the first kiss. the first touch.
i almost hate myself for it. yet it felt so good getting what i want.
i was scared that my friends would hate me as other's have before.
it occured to me that they'd never seen me like this..
part of me didn't care.
i wasn't myself and i let it get the best of me.
but i can't shake the feling of accomplishment.
there's something strange about experiencing a person on that level.
its almost beautiful.. or maybe not
i've decided i'm perfectly alright being single.
i dated someone for over 6 months and what did it get me?
6 months of pain. sure, i felt love, but was it worth it?
i dont feel anything for him now.
it was just like he said that night
[the words are blurred by substances but i remember the backbone]
i still get the physical recognition
without giving out my heart to be inevitably broken.

you look like you'd fit in the trunk of my car

the toilet is full of acid and i've never felt so empty.
what am i living for?
just going from day to day.
i'm not a fortune teller.
i don't know what's out there.
i want to sleep for a thousand years
because i don't see the point.
i need to slow down.
i'm staying in my world now.
no more trying to taste freedom
that leaves a sour taste in my mouth.



three words; this is fucked.
tell all.
i dont know why certain things annoy me the way they do.
i hate myself but i need it off my chest.
why people's actions touch me like they do.
i guess it hurts when i know you hate him.
i silenty scorn myself
i guess..its ok; im angry with him too
for doing the things i do; but its part of who i am.
but that's because i know him the way i do.
and i can't turn away from who i am
you can't even begin to.
so i can just hope to understand why i do it.
nevermind. you can have your oppinions..i guess just dont share them with me..
thats all i can ask for.


everybody's dream can fall apart

the tables have turned, my mask is broken.
killed by love
i silently curse the labels i placed on that feeling.
i never really wanted to belong.
i thought it was different.
the way i feel now shows that i'm not.

I got a longer fall, a longer fall to take
Cause I'm a bigger fool with a bigger heart to break
i'm empty, distrought. my heart is unwell.
each chapter unfolds and the past dies away.
yet the pain's still the same all through the day.
there's so much on my mind.
i believe i've cursed myself.
i have no hope for the future.
no belief that i will somehow end victorious.
its all over now, baby blue..
i want to build a self sustainable cabin and live there in my own way. i have no want at all for the way of man. i dont want money i dont want your material life supports. give me peace of mind and nature's way and i will be happy.


i have this problem where i am completely dissatisfied with the way we're headed

remember remember

close my eyes and sit in silence
like i've been doing all these years
but my mind is empty.
i was not there.
i can't remember.
i feel so detached.
i know nothing of their sacrifices
yet i've been told their words
over and over.
but they are just words
i know there is meaning behind them
but i don't know of it.
i feel like an inconsiderate monster
a child taking life for granted
but until i fight myself
or feel the pain of loss
for this everlastng cause
i won't be able to remember anything.

everybody knows the fight was fixed

i want to live in a loft somewhere with like minded people. full windows overlooking some sncredible beauty. i want room to breathe and a place to paint. i want to create beauty. i want to be seperate from the world. i dont want some high end job tearing at my sanity. i despise this world. i want to live for myself and for love. i dont want to be a aprt ofthis world, full of greed, uncertainty, inadequacy and sadness..



you're letters all say that you're beside me now.
so why do i feel alone?
i feel so empty.

i saw madagasgar 2

and i cried during it. it makes me cringe with embarasment, but i did.
i want someone who remember's my favorite kind of flower, how i like my breakfast. someone who loves me deeply and i mean the world to them
then i remembered i do have someone like that...
unfourtunately he cant remember a goddamned thing [too much pot]
so why do i feel so empty?


oh he's annoying.

apparently he's turning himself in tomorrow.
i'm not standing in his way
he'll get over himself eventualy
and there's no point wasting emotions on it.
if he does end up turning himself in
well then good on him.


the adrenaline still running, flashes jumpy moments through my mind. i try and breathe, tell myself its ok, its all over, what's done is done. i would be perfectly unperturbed by my rebellion save for one person. i dont know why i let him get to me. i wanted to yell at him "you're not my fucking mother." "i dont think you even care about me, only yourself"
but i held my tongue. why? because i didnt want him to become more angry with me. i hold too much on other people's oppinions. i dont know why and i wish i didnt. i'm my own person and your opinnions touch only my outer shell. you cant change who i am deeper in. i'm still me and i will always be.
funny. i had thought about that earlier in the week, in a completely different light. maybe that's why it upsets me so. because he was someone i never thought would apply to it. to use his words, i thought you was better than that.

i jut cant get over the tone of his voice.
its the only thing keeping me from telling myself it was justa dream
thats what it feels like. it was a night to remember
but he just makes me want to forget.


he figured it out

and this is his response:

i love her so much and no matter whati will
always be here for her. and i want her to remember
what i always say...shes amaizing and shes
done so much for
all that time iv done nothing but hert herand i
asked evry day r u ok... all i asked for
was a little comunication... a
second glance into ur head for a chance to see what u were thinking..a chance
but i gues its whats best for the both of us i
dont want to let u go yet i need to move on get
a new look on things.. im sik of herting cuz i miss her.. a new chance
at love will come my way one day... all i want is to die with sum thing... anything

more then all!


there is a hidden message.

i answered no.you asked again. i answered no. again. there's nothing i
want to say. maybe things i should have said, could have told
you, but i didnt. you kept asking me, as if there was something. you gave me a hint
to probe my memory. it seemed important, like you were doing me a favor to
let me get something off my chest i could have been holding in. you gave
me another hint. it hadnt even occured to me. it wasnt something important to say before i had to go
i want you to find it.
so i dont have to tell you on my own.


please please me

the story is left unfinished. can't bear to give it the happy ending i always wanted.

i had a dream last night. it wasnt about you.

i was in ecstacy but it didn't hurt when i knew it wasn't real. i've grown so much this last year. i have all i need.
i suprise myself sometimes
when this all started i wanted this as much as you. my needs have changed but you remain the same. i'm moving on. you do anything to keep my close, its stopped being about us and now it's all about you.
do you remember your words?
you'd live to let me shine?
you were wrong and i was wrong to believe you.
you can set sail to the west if you want to
i'm on the shore, ready
but your anchor holds me back.
you're like a child.
how could i leave you?
i want you to be happy.
but i want you to want me to be happy
open your eyes.
let me go.
i wont leave you.
i want you
but i'm a different person now


welcome obama

i think i'm an elitist.



the weight that is on my shoulders.. its all up to me. lying there in my arms is a baby.
he is tied to me.
i can light up his day with a smile, but i dont smile all the time.
he'd do anything for me. anything to get me back, to make me his again.
i'm starting to wonder if this is about me or him.
he loves me. beyond words.
i want to see him happy
but it's destroying me inside out.

and he's like a well trained dog. pathetic.

Pt I

its intoxicating, this feeling. i want someone to hold me, kiss the worry away. i still feel the traces...maybe i always will? maybe i'll move on.
its been four months, i havent made much progress. how much time do i need? i wish i believed in fate, destiny, soulmates. then i'd be more sure of myself. but i never believe anymore.
all i know is that i love this feeling. to know withought a doubt that i mean the world to someone, that i can light their day with just a smile, that i am all they need...its beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.

late nights

i wanted to run to him, hiss him and melt together in blissful harmony. but when i was thereit evaoporated. something was out of key, skewed.
there were times when i thought this was it, other times i felt i was sinking. i cant breathe again. i'm lost in the maze of stop and go. a void. i feel nothing yet i want everything.
i dont know what to do.


i want something.
distract me
pull me from my nonsense
there is a world out there.
i want to be in it.
just walk out my front door
and let my dreams come true

i have no dreams.
no dreams of my own
everyone else
pouring their last chances into me
there's nothing left for me
i dont know what i want

i just.....want.


the golden hay, grey evening light
a night where anything can happen
you let down your deffenses
are you who you wish you could be?
he saw me.
the eyes he had
like i was everything
coldsteel blue, rimmed in red
i wanted more
i wanted everything
just to know more...
i asked him
what he thought
he replied like me.
made me want it more.
i just wanted.


yes; yes they are.

for all your philosophy-ers out there

is there a philosophy that states that each human is completely seperate from everything/everyone else? that everyone is so different so common truths do not exist?

ah well

ive been thinking about religion alot recently.
i'm not pushing my beliefs onto anyone
you have no need to listen to anything i say
i'm just expressing my oppinions
but i just believe organized religion can't work.
i just dont see how all these people can all believe the story whole-heartedly

if religion works for you
fills a void, explains something, makes you feel better, then great.
but when people try and push their truths on other people
because they dont realize everyone is different
is just plain wrong


slow the suffering

i am in one of those lonely moods that makes me question what's keeping me. i have everything at my fingertips but i'm living for those around me; to be viewed highly in their eyes.
i'm not sure why.
maybe i liked what they had to say, now i have too much at stake. i enjoyed the sound of their words of wisdom, i lived by them, they shaped me. am i damning myself by disregarding them?
the one the stuck? she made me what i am today.
we all have our truths are mine the same as hers?
does a degree make hers truer?
i could be wrong. i wanted to think i had a chance. maybe.


i'm only 17

the responses of strangers, opposing my half baked theories help me expand upon them.
i find it so enthralling.

i should have taken philosophy in highschool.


i dont know where im going with this

no one ever needs anything.
they only want.
"i need to get atleast 75 on this test"
no. you want it. because you want a good mark because you want your mark to go up..ect."
you want it because you dont want the alternative. aka failing.
you dont need to go to school. you probably should, you probably should want to, but you dont need to.
lets get a more exagerated example
"you need to take this medicine for your illness or else you'll die."
you might think this is a flaw in my theory. but it isnt.
you want to take the medicine because you dont want the alternative; death.
but you dont need to take it.
you never need to do anything.



my hands are black
the keys are black
the mouse too
fine pwder everywhere
scribbled pages
a new obsession
a new life.

i need to clean up now.

one of the worst nights

he's started smoking again.
apparently its been a month now. and i found out by accident
he was drunk and let it slip. and i just let myself go. it upset me, beyond reason, but i didnt know why. which upset me even more. i was crying hard on the phone. he tried his best to console me
but he had to leave for work. i sat on my bed and tried to figure it out.
i did.
the reason i cried so much was because it was deja vu. of something i really didnt want to remember. the night brent left his phone at my house and i read those messages.
he didnt tell me because i seemed happier not knowing. and i found out by mistake and i felt betrayed. i wondered what else he could be keeping from me. i felt replaced.
with the smoking, it hurt because he knew much it upset me, so he quit. i guess...its like i feel like he doesnt care about me anymore because he did it anyway. its an irrational thought but i coudlnt help it. i tried to tell myself that, and it worked a bit.

im getting better at telling myself to do something regardless of what my emotions say. head beats heart. im trying to make myself obey my wishes. it could blow up in my face but im sick of being such a blabbering fool at the drop of a pin.


i dont expect you to get it.

i dont understand it myself
i'm evil. i know i am.
because i dont think like the majority
and majority rules.
but maybe it's wrong?
maybe everyone is just wrong.
and maybe..just maybe..

i'm right..

but whos to say what's right?
its what the majority agrees with
therefore i must be wrong.

lets try and explain what goes on in my mind, shall we?
i believe we place too much importance on human life.
it is the reason we're in this mess.
we're too capable of emotions, feelings, attachment for our own good.
when someone is ill or injured, we do all we can to save them
because there's nothing more important that human life.
because we want to save them for ourselves.
so that we dont have to lose anything.
maybe..it's just me.
other people in the situation of dying dont want to.
because they are too attached to life.
maybe it's just me that isn't afraid of death.
maybe that's why i disregard human emotions so much.

or maybe i'm just crazy.

i think i am.

brent's deeper than i thought

do me a favour.
think about what you are.
what makes you think
feel, act, see, breathe.
the list goes on.
but i thought about it
and it freaked me out.


give thanks

i feel alienated

i feel evil and different.

i feel...sane.

ive seen all good people turn their heads each day.

they follow blindly. they search out idols to believe.
because they want to be bigger than they are.
or because they know they're smaller then they want to be?
should i feel bad? should i want to help her find it? console her?
i don't see the point.
do to others as you'd have them do to you
i guess the golden rule doesnt apply to her.

so she lost her wedding ring. normaly this would be tragic
but i dont see the point in wasting emotions on it.
its not like she needed it anyways.
she hasnt even been wearing it for the past three months.
she'd put it on the dashboard of the car
of all places.
its been sitting there for over three months.
now it's gone.
and guess who's to blame?
me and my sister.
of course.
she doesnt think for one second that
it's her fault?
that she might have misplaced it?
she's divine, above all human err.

she think's we're trying to punish her.
for what?
i'm not sure.
we hate her.
but we hate her because we're ungrateful useless children
not at all because maybe she hasnt been much of a mother lately.
she's too busy cauddling her new child, her new obsession
the devil's spawn.



adding to the noise.

turn off your stereo video radio.


commander cody and his lost planet air men

gypsy fiddle.
an awesome drinking song.
according to my mom

oh bubbles

i don't understand your words..
..well maybe of you spent more time with them you would

giving thanks

today was a good day
they were good feelings
we helped someone who had nothing
only hope and a will to survive.
we gave them something to be thankfull for
just like they gave it to me too.
it made me feel so good.
maybe there's still hope
the more people have the more they want to hold onto it
only people who know what it's like not to have everything at a momen't notice understand
they humanize with them, feel for them and help them.
the people who are too blind to see the other half
are the people who dont realize the true value of a possesion.
just like the book i'm reading.
they take from people who have so much to give
because they want to help them realize the beauty of giving.
its hard to understand sometimes
but i want nothing more than to get it.


of joy.

it was such a perfect moment. we ended up in my room, just standing there, gazing into eachother's eyes. i broke away to press play on my ipod that was hooked up to a stereo. So Long Marrianne came on. perfect. i walked slowly back to him and draped my arms around his neck and nessled in close, my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. i laughed inwardly as the line "you held on to me like i was a cruicifix" came on. as if he read my mind he placed his arms around my waist and we started swaying ever so slightly from side to side. i lifted my head to look at his face. he smiled a knowing smile and softly said "so this is what you were getting at." i smiled in response. we stood nose to nose and continued slowdancing around my room. the song ended and every night came on, and i coudlnt help but grin and mouth along with the words "..but tonight i just want to stay here, and be with you." he smiled and kissed my forhead and whispered in my ear "butterflies.." and i felt myself blush. i wrapped my arms around his waist and gave him a big hug. he slowly brought his hand up to my face and leaned in for a kiss. it was the lightest touch, just a brush, but it sent tingles down my spine and i felt my knees weaken. i rested my head against his chest again and he whispered "i thought you werent going to treat me today.." thats when the tears came. i tried to hold them in so he wouldnt notice, but he did. he rubbed my back in attempt to calm me. "i'm sorry, i was just trying to make a joke, i didnt mean to upset you.." i looked up at him, tears sliding down my face. i noticed the song had changed again. innocence. the only avril song i can stomach. i decided to sing along, in an attempt to tell him my feelings. "the state of bliss you think you're dreaming, the happiness inside that you're feeling, its so beautiful it makes you want to cry.." he just smiled and pulled me in tighter and kissed my head "i love you. so much." "i love you too.."
this moment, is perfect, please dont go away..


this is the reason i broke up with him in the first place. because it was so much stress and it just seemed hopeless. i know that's a harsh word but its true. he's got so much on his plate and i dont want any more on mine. i have my own set of worries i need to take care of. but i cant just turn him away. the way he opened up to me...it litteraly moved me to tears. i feel his dispair, his depression. he has nothing. but i dont want him to have no one too. at the moment i feel thats all i can do; give him the comfort of knowing that i'm here for him, that he has me. contrairy to his beleifs he hasnt lost me. if he really had, i wouldnt have seen him yestrerday, or tuesday, or any times before that. we wouldnt have acted or talked the way we did if he'd truley lost me.
his words stung because i felt his pain through them. his feelings soaking the words and turning them a different colour. i never told him to get the fuck out of my life, but it hurt to know thats how he felt. i willed him to see us as we are. if he had he would have noticed the situation. we were sitting on the ocuch, i had my legs on his lap, he was crying and i was holding him close, rubbing his back and whispering in his ear. to me that doesnt sound like "get the fuck out of my life."
does it?


if i love you and you love me...

...why do we put ourselves through this?

i dont know how to answer that. i cant even begin to think it over. because i dont even know how i feel. i wish i did, i wish i could make all this pain go away with sweet words. but i know they're hollow. you know as well as me that there's nothing i can do to make it better. all i can say is that today was one of the best days of my life and i wouldnt take anything back. i know you're going to beat yourself over it but i wish you wouldnt. yet i can wish so much and i do wish all time, but i dont know if it does one slice of good. you know i would do everything i can to help you. so it hurts when you think that you have nothing, noone. but just because we're not boyfriend girlfriend, it doesnt mean anything. it's a label, meant for people to try and understand things better. but i'm past that point. i dont understand anything anymore. labels wont do any good. i just want you to know that i'm here for you and i always will. and this is coming from the heart. you know it.

its true
i just broke my long winded nutella fast..

fuck it

i've decided to ask keith to chill
using the lure of horizon expanders and company
to lighten the mood of my proposition

i have nothing to lose
yet i cant make myself do it.


cant sleep by bed's on fire

my mind is restless
thoughts wind in and out endlessly
i try to grasp on to them, to remember them
so i can write them down,
so others can think them as well.

but its pointless
i decide to, instead, accept it as it is
to know i thought them
and to let them go.

its reffreshing.
i think things once
why think them again?

i looked outside for the first time in a while. i mean ive looked outside everyday, but it was the first time i acctualy saw. the colours...so bright and vivid...it sparked something in my memory.
happy one year anniversary

too old

i dont belong in that world. i've changed too much, and so have they. maybe it's just my warped expectations. i've been subjected to a completely different class of human beings. a different world completely. i find it hard almost painful to be here with them. my heart is not well here.


the one thing i picked up from my social exam

assurer l'obeissement du peuple par la reglementation du systeme educationel.
this is in a dictatorship, so why do i feel like its happening here too?

i cried at school for hte first time

i'm so mentally tired. i could probably fall alseep right now
i just need a break but i cant have one
and now that all the tests and exams are over
i dont have anything to strive for
i have no motivation.
i have a chemistry lab write-up
and a calorimetry worksheet
and i need to practice drums
but i cant do much more that lay in bed
nd feel sorry for myself.
my head hurts and i'm catching a cold
two things i'm blaming on math
and my body's hate for me.

i hate grade twelve.


you trap you kill you eat

being quick is a stress reliever. i noticed that today. running quick, slamming on the drums quick, writing quick.
i ran up the stairs. i started off slowly but my feet kept speeding up, as if i could run away from my stress. but there's nowhere to run and i end up sitting down in the end regardless.
i slammed the drums, faster and faster until i falter because my arms couldnt keep up with my brain.
i write faster because maybe the sooner i finish the sooner this will all be over.
but it never works that way. my brain cant keep up with my hand this time. i make mistakes and i have to redo the dreaded problems.

i'm sick of this.
i need better stress relievers.

not even kidding.


killed by love

the kiss came as every other had. i held back for a fraction of a second but in the end i let my heart give in. i closed my eyes and let my lips slowly touch his. i could feel his emotions, could he feel mine too? i felt unsure and hesitant, but i felt his passion and his longing, so i kept on. the kiss grew, slowly slowly. my heart knew it was wrong, so did my head, yet i continued. finaly i had to pull away. i burried my face in his chest and willed myself to keep the promise i made myself. though i could feel the tears brimming i blinked them back. he pulled me away and looked at me. "you look like you've been crying, or that you're trying very hard not to" crap. i tried to stray away from the conclusions he was making. "how can you tell?" he brought a hand up to my cheek. "because i can feel a lot more tension right here.." he brushed his fingers along my cheekbone. "okay..?" i said. i hated it when he was right. he knew me too well for my own good. "am i right? or am i just thinking too highly of myself?" "no, you're right." i took a deep breath and looked away from him. after all this time i hated myself for feeling so shy around him. i had no reason to, and i knew he hated it when i didn't tell him what's wrong. "i told myself i wouldnt cry today..and i was doing so well, but then.." i took a nother deep breath to steady myself, and still averting my eyes, i continued on "that kiss.." i gathered the courage to see his response to my words. "you want to know something?" "k.." i looked at him expectantly. "that kiss..felt real." he must have noted the confusion in my eyes, and elaborated. "every time i've kissed you, it felt wrong. i didnt feel anything. but this kiss...was different." i mulled over his wordsin silence, but i couldnt see where he was coming from. i decided to let it pass. "do you want to know something?" "ok." it was his turn to look expectantly at me. "that kiss..went too far for me." i sat up straiter and scooted slightly farther away frim him, and just as i knew he would, he scooted right back beside me and reached out for my hand. " i don't know why i didn't stop..." i was talking moreso to myself now, it made it easier to get the words out. "i guess..i didn't stop because of you." i looked up at his confused face. "do you understand?" i asked, already knowing the answer. his no came as no suprise. " i guess...i thought this was what you wanted, so even though it went to far, i didn't want to stop.." he readjusted himself to look me strait in the eyes. "never do that."


oh the coop

billion dollar babies, dead babies. dwight frye and young steven. elections, assylums. poisoned dirty diamonds, frankenstein and hangmen. vengance, vengance. nightmares, cold ethyl bleeds. lost in america.


someone rip my heart out and leave me here to bleed

i feel empty with reminders of pastime.
of the safetly and closure i had
i felt warm and never apart.
its so hard to explain
this is just a moment of weakness i know
he's the only one avalible
after a long day of siapointments
the vulnurable side peeks through
did i say things i'll regret?
lead him on, break his heart
does it make it better if mine's broken too?

yes im poetic.

there's a hole in me
one i though i'd filled
there's a part of me
feelings i thought i'd killed.
suddenly back
to taunt me again
round and round
will this ever end?
maybe its different
maybe it's not
myheart is a cage
and i fear that i'm caught
i need asylum
i need to me sane
i dont understand
why im in so much pain
have i moved on
or am i just back
k i gotta stop writing
im gonna have a hear attack.


giant twitch

today i went to my friend's church. i thought it would be an interesting experience for me. maybe seeing their point of view would ease me into it. i don't know why i hold such a dislike for religion. though i dont have the knowledge to make informed opinions, but no one does anymore.
we just say what we feel. we don't take the time to put ourselves on the other side. i dont understand how each person can hold such different opinions and beliefs. we're all humans, we cant be that different, in theory. this just reinforces my beliefs that everything around us makes us who we are. everything influences us. my friend was brought up catholic and as a result she now believes in God. me on the other hand, wasn't, so i dont belive in It. i wonder what would happen if we were given complete unbiased surroundings, given complete choices. what would we chose? would we even become 'normal' humans? or would we chose not to decide?

my brain hurts.

me i believe that religion should only bring peace and comfort to a soul and nothing else. food for your soul, thats what spirituality. religion is for spirituality because your soul needs to be fed.
we have out body mind and spirit. they each have their own needs. most people replace their spirit with god or a surreal experience they cant explain, others replace itwith halucinagens that take us to the world we've never seen. but your spirit is something that needs more, its never satified, or full. its always thirsty. you try so hard to fill it up but all that matters is what you believe in your heart cuz once you look deep down whatevers there is whats real to you because u cant contradict yourself no matter how hard you try. you cant hide from yourself. if you try to you'll start to have mental breakdowns but once you figure out its so life changing, its reasurring to know that all you need is your mind and you'll be alive.

soul kitchen

swirls and curls
translucent air fills in and out
i really like to stay here.
hallowed be thy sins


our yew fur reel

just a heads up, i'll be posting old texts that my ex sent me.
i need them off my phone.
and some of them are eerie. you'll understand when i post them
but only if you know him and his living situation right now.
so dont think i'm weird. i cant throw things away.
so..transferring them here.
man i'm lame.

where is he..

i found a bead on my carpet. it made me pause as i remembered where it was from.
i decided to tie it to a string on my blanket. not sure why.
it made me think of everything else that had ties to him
i looked around my room, making mental notes of the objects
the guitar book, the shirt, the stuffed animal, the candles...
the ring.
hidden in a jewellery box now.
i had forgoten all about it.
out of sight out of mind.
odd, how something i wore around my neck
every day for over two months
could slip out of my memory so easily.


i'm freaking out
running circles in my mind from each different possibility.
each one worse than before.
i dont know what he'd do
he'd tell me, wouldn't he?
he'd want me to know..
he wouldnt leave me in the dark
would he?
would he think he's protecting me if he did?

i know i'm going to feel stupid

when it turns out to be nothing

but i cant help it.


existentialism representationalism and OBES

today i had an out of body experience. i saw myself as others would see me and i realized that i am a stranger to everybody but myself. no one knows me. i'm just another human being. i looked at myself and i didn't know her. i felt empty and still. i felt no emotions at all. i just had my sight. i was rooted to the spot, staring ahead at this unknown person.

it made me think. i decided to research it, to see if this happened to other people as well. apparently one in ten people have an OBE at one point in their life.

one thing lead to another, a read the 'see also's. there were alot of philosiphers who have had these experiences. i read about these philosophies that i had half thought about and figured before i even knew these existed. it almost gives me hope

and makes me feel nostalgic or...[i wish my vocabulary was larger; i could describe it better] i dont know. not alone. its a good feeling.

dirt simple.

plastic hearts to replace the worn out ones.

we need to protect human life. we're so precious; the most important creatures on earth. we're too great to die from natural causes. think about it.

we interfere in nature's way. live die live die, that's life. disease and fatal injuries are the ways that the world keeps populations in check. survival of the fittest. but we hide behind out drugs and our synthetic life savers. we become weaker and weaker until we rely solely on our own creations.
yet we believe ourselves to be the strongest creatures. superior in every way. are we? yes, we've been able to create this modern world by using the full capacity of our greater intelligence. does anyone question it? why is it this way? we're curious, that's why. we're not satisfied with simple nature. we wonder and fantisize, we create and recreate. every new advancement in out technological environment takes us farther away from our roots. until future generations have never been subjected to reality. but this is their reality, they accept it as the only way because its all they've ever known


yes i'm happy

you're fading from my view

i think i'm getting over you

did the wish i wished come true?

yes, i think i wished for that too.


dont take nothin but your soul

i make her breakfast, she gets annoyed because i over cooked her eggs.
i combed willow, she yells because she wanted me to do a really good job
i water the front and back garden, she gets mad because i didn't get dana outside
i'm doing a practice math test, she gets angry because i'm not helping in the kitchen.
i go and rake the front lawn she gets pissed and storms off because no one's watcing the puppy.

i try my hardest and it doesn't even matter because my best isn't nearly as good as what she expects.
she seems to think i dont try so whats the point in me even trying?
my frustration turns into sadness but i change it to anger because she's not worth my tears.

some one help me, i'm drowning. thoughts pool my mind and its getting hard to breathe. the room is twitching, creeping from the corners of my eyes. emotions are entangling with eachother, i've lost myself. i'm tied here by my own pretences. wondering waiting worrying. what's worth fighing, living for? everything that makes me happy is eating me up inside. i will be an empty shell of humanity. all the easier for you to fill me up with your own beliefs of what i should be. so many questions thrust upon me all of a sudden, i cant cope i can't focus. is it my glasses or is it me? i cant see. the floor is spinning. i feel sick with it's motion. my senses are dead from over-exposure. my touch is numb my voice is hollow. what's the point? is there even one?


Ivy league.

daydreaming in social, i stared out the ivy covered window and started thinking. the ivy lives unaware of the activity that goes on day after day year after year behind the walls it climbs up. it just strives to grow higher still.

it made me wonder. why do humans care so much about what goes on aorund us? why do we need to know what's going on halfway around the world? why do people invent all sorts of pointless imaginary concepts and theories? mathematics being the main thing. i cant wrap my head around these abstract concepts, i just get distracted trying to figure out why in the world people would spend their time inventing things just so they have more to learn. why aren't we satisfied being simple beings like the rest of the animals on earth? its funny how each person has a different concept of what's important and worthy of their time. me, i dont really think anything complicated is important. simplicity is the way of the earth and i want to abide by it.

with...? sharpie. cool. its good.

today was suprising. he interupted me mid- riff and gave me a random beatle reference. then he inturupted me again later on to tell me all about this band Crowded house. he went on and on and i couldnt help but smile. he was a pretty cool guy when he opens up. kinda like me i guess. i come off stuck up kinda, but im just shy. like him, maybe. i havent really figured him out yet. i think the silence unnerves him. oh, and he asked me when i got the tattoo on my foot. i found that so funny. kudoos to Petra on that one.



the world is so big.

i feel dwarfed and afraid, almost, when i contemplate my existance.
what it means to the world, what ripples my actions will make on a bigger scale
they'd be infitesimaly small, if anything at all
and i almost contemplate the thought "what's the point?"
but the point is not whats the big picture, it's the small picture.
my picture.


i'm recreating myself.

i'm thinking about myself and my wellbeing first.

if something is unfair to me, i'll speak up against it.

i'm no longer afraid of what other people think.

its refreshing to finally speak up for myself.

kathy's song.

And a song I was writing is left undone, I don't know why I spend my time, Writing songs I can't believe. With words that tear and strain to rhyme.And so you see I have come to doubt All that I once held as true, I stand alone without beliefs. The only truth I know is you. And as I watch the drops of rain Weave their weary paths and die I know that I am like the rain, There but for the grace of you go I.


blodd of a writer

thinking is overrated
thinking is addictive
so thinking is an overrated drug.


people get what they get, it has nothing to do with what they deserve.


they were fighting again. or should i say she was yelling and he was trying to talk reason into her.

again she brought up my father's inability to parent us in the way she sees fit. i dont understand it. she's the one who is good at getting us to do things. she's the one who is forcefull and such. she cant just expect my dad, a quiet kind guy, to keep bothering us and threatening us with punishment to do things. she's the one who was good at it and i dont see why she cant use the gifts she's been given. she says that ebay is her new obsession because she cant obsess over us anymore. that doesnt mean you can just turn your back on us and expect us to be perfectly responsible young adults. you babied us all our lives then suddenly you give us all this responsibility, but you want us to see what needs to be done without you even asking us.

its the same thing with my dad. in her absence he's a deer in the headlights, like us. and she lashes out at us for being incompetent when its her fault in the first place.


my mind was numb. this couldnt be happening. surely, this was a dream. seriously, what have i done to deserve this? why me? why him? i tried to make a joke to lighten the mood "why do i have to be such an amazing person?" it was futile.
i sat on the porch telling my parents all i knew, which wasn't much. and with every gap in my story they thought i was hiding something. i coudnt take it anymore "what's the point of me saying anything if you're not gonna believe a single thing i say?!" i choked out through tears. my mom came overand put her arm aorund my shoulders. good. she should feel bad. "ok, i believe you that he has a job." that wasnt what i was looking for, mom. i shook my head. this had to be a dream. my dad was right, this seemed like something out of the twilight zone.

what am i supposed to do? am i too good of a person for my own good? i could be done with him, forever. i could get over him easily. but im scared for him. i want to help him out, i want to be there for him. i guess generosity is a bad idea. WHAT HAVE I DONE?!!



i counted them. thirty. my heart was caught in my throught and i was afraid i would choke on it. my head wouldnt wrap around this fact. for once i was glad for my weak poker face. maybe i could stop it.


it hit me in one huge blow. he saw the look of horror on my face and then my tears turned into choking sobs as i buried my face in my hands. his arm was automatically around my shoulders in a futile attempt to comfort me. i couldn't believe it. how could this have happened? why did he do that? millions of questions ran through my head but i couldnt find the words to ask him. it all seemed like a joke or a dream. it just didnt fit. he kept repeating "its not your fault. this has nothing to do with you" and i tried to believe him. he knew me too well to know i would blame myself in some way. i tried not to but i was distracted. i was too much in shock to think of little else other than the image planted in my brain. it didn't fit, this couldnt be true.



why do i do this?
im perfectly capable of moving foreward
out of this life into another
perfectly the same, minus the one difference.
the difference is the reason i can't
not for me, but for him.
i'm wrong in my justifications i'm sure.
so lets return to the question at hand.
because...do i feel that my choice was unjust?
do i have this subconcious need to make him happy?

i hate to see him in pain. its my fault.
it was his fault, at one point. i suppose.
i feel a need to hang on...i'm unsure as to why.
because he was a huge part of my life.
i have difficulties grasping the reasons from my mind
to write them out, sort them out.



je n'en sais pas qu'est ce que c'est ca probleme.

c'est ma vie.

si je veux lui voire, je vais lui voire.

si elle pense que c'est mauvais, tant pis pour elle.

c'est tres frustrant quelques fois

quand elle pense que ce je suis interesse de qu'est ce que c'est son avis.

je suis ma propre personne je fait mes propres decisions

donc..disparaissent la baise vous-même.

i have this hatred for strangers. for people i have only glanced or not witnessed at all. i believe them to be the cause of disaster and despair in this world. the problem is that there are too many of us. but i become too attached to people around me. surely they can't be at fault. i love them all. everyone i have talked to or interacted with in the past and present have a place within me. but strangers i feel to be these dull manequins, the unthinking majority. i value the oppinions and thoughts of all the people i have heard, but want nothing to do with these strangers. it is perhaps a bad thing, a wrong thing, but it is me.

i find it to be odd. what do all my incoherent ramblings mean? is it a glimpse that perhaps i wont be an ordinary? that in time these ramblings will evolve into some form of conclusive thoughts with a matter of depth and insight to them?

the future scares me. i don't know what to make of myself.



i keep finding myself flip flopping. to decide to do it or not. what do i have to lose? my assurance and comfort at the fact that nothing will happen. if i egg him on..what will happen? i dont care anymore. i dont think. i keep wondering if he thinks about me or not. i'm pretty sure he would. but that creates another insecurity. what is he thinking? good thoughts? bad thoughts? or neutral just-another-drunk-chick thoughts? i cant keep doing this but i will because it messes with my self worth. i keep searching for something. another brent i guess. some love at first sight where they think i;m something special. not just another chick at a party to be forgotten the next day. i keep believing i'm worth something. that they'll make some sort of move because i was something to them. i keep clinging to this exasperation fruitlessly.

i gotta stop. this is turning out too much like the stories in my head. i dont know if i want it to end up the way it would if this were fiction. but it seems so perfect. like a destiny. i'm afraid.

i'm just not sure what of.



i really should stop. i build it up, thinking maybe something will come of it but what's the point? nothing will because face it; this is normal. this is what they do. the circumstances innevitably add up to this. and nothing progresses, no matter how much i want it to. i don't even know if i want it. does that even happen in real life? people meet up at parties, i'm proof, but i think the only reason it happened because there wasnt any alki there. it makes people act on impulses, most of wich-we are teenagers,after all- may make things awkward in the morning, in most cases.
but things werent like that, the next day. i should stop this. i cant obsess over things that have the slimmest chance of ever coming true. part of is it sad but i cant help but thinking maybe its for the best.
i cant help wishing it would. maybe it would be the cure to my questionable party activities. i feel like im on a road and i'm travelling. looking for the key to set me free. i'm searching for a part of me that i'd lost earlier, a part that i hadn't realized was in me until it was taken away. true happiness i suppose. a replica, a copy or something completely new from what i'd experienced before. the feeling of feeling complete is intoxicating. made worse by immeasurable amounts when it faulters.


i'm orange too so i can look like kenny.

am i kidding myself? am i setting myself up for ruin? this is why i do not understand the strength label. twice in a row when the opportunity presented itself. it was good they were too carefree to care about me. i was happy. in the moment. though i felt sick with..something- i continued on regardless. i enjoyed his praise. it gave me a sense of gut and confidence, though i had more than my share that night. it makes me go for the things i wouldnt usualy. i dont know how it works for the other side. are their actions accounted for? does it make them think compeltely different, or highten the one already present? i do not know. perhaps this is a neccesary evil. all part of growing up. oh boy.