no one there when the clock strikes
oh to taste freedom
let it wash over me, if only temporary.
i don't want it to be permanent.
i've seen it take down so many.
how can something so great be so terrible?
a great and terrible beauty.
how i held out for so long, riding on a certain belief.
i was right to do it, but i just thought that once i'd done this
i'd change, a bit more. that'd i'd feel different,
but now all that remains is tenderness, quickly fading
i'm just the same.
take a sheet of philo pastry, butter it and fold in half. place a spoonfull of date and apricot filling along one edge, roll once, fold edges up then continue rolling. butter the length of the rolled pastry then roll again into a coil. place on greased baking sheet.
repeat until all filling is used up, butter the tops of each coil and top with chopped pistachios.
bake for 25 minutes at 375 degrees.
indescribable, almost fightening.
how i'm so succeptable to all this.
i went in level headed
and now i'm...changed.in one evening, it all changed.
i felt that this was right. i had no reason behind it
nothing words could really truly explain
just something you'd have to feel.
yet at the same time i'm completely calm.
it was created to explain things when our civilization was new and we didn't know any science, so now that we do know practically everything religion shouldn't matter, but it seems to matter more than ever.
i think religion is also for the weak. like they need it to find the beauty in life, to be better people, to find meaning and purpose, when they could do it all on their own, find the beauty inside of themselves instead of relying on this old man in the sky to do it for them.
religion is good on the personal level but not when you start thinking you're right, and forcing it upon other people
all flashing by in a blur.
i kept thinking about what had happened
and what might.
i couldn't think strait.
suddenly it all stopped.
the only thing i cared about what right now.
right there. him and me.
the way he felt in my arms
his skin against mine
the way he looked at me
with his hair wild and eyes so full of emotion.
he told me i was beautiful.
he told me he loved me
it made me cry. but not like before
these were tears of realization
of elation; bliss.
i held him tight and whispered
"i love you too.."
and there wasn't a doubt in my mind.
and in the end nothing happened,
yet everything had changed.
maybe it would change in front of my eyes again.
change into another strange product of senseless features.
but all i could see was the way my brow was furled.
i couldnt detach myself from the pain in my eyes.
the emotional overflow obscured my vision
masked the plain and simple with the overrated.
will it end the way they say it will? reversed death?
refuse to be a casualty of these technological coincidences.
those who are afraid of him and use his creepyness against him,
and those who embrace his creepyness.
then theres me.
i'm probably one of the only people who took the time to see past that.
i cracked him and found a completely new person inside.
you wouldnt understand.
not until you see what i've seen.
and until you do i dont want to hear one word from you,
acting as if your oppinion matters more than my own.
you dont know shit.
i'm not what i used to be when you last knew me.
i've changed and i dont even think you realize that.
i'm no longer that shy little girl, wanting to make everyone happy.
i'm through with that little girl. i live for myself now.
you can still tell me what you think,
but dont think i'll take it into concideration.
you dont know me at all, you don't know what's best for me.
i've bound myself to eternity for earthly means.
i was never afraid of commitment before
i'm not sure of anything anymore
i don't know if this is good, if this is bad
i dont know what i had
what i have now
what's changed, what's the same
i don't even know what love is.
i dont think i ever did.
you were trying to forget, just like i had tried
i was strong
you were weak
i wasnt strong enough for the both of us
and i fell into you like a river
i thought it would drown me.
but i can breathe under water
when it's mind over matter
i miss you already
is why wont this ever end?
Every now and then I get down to the end of the day
I have to stop, ask myself why I've done it.
It just seems so useless to have to work so hard
and nothin' ever really seems to come from it.
it just never seems to end,
its something i need to keep working at, keep it up.
i've lost all motivation.
i guess i just expect other people to go for what they want
and if they want something from me they'll confront me.
but i guess people are just like me.
i hate this world. i hate humanity and civilization, technology, drama, history, ect. ect. ect.
they found what they will always want again.
Your beauty lost to you yourself
just as it was lost to them.
Oh take this longing from my tongue,
whatever useless things these hands have done.
Let me see your beauty broken down
like you would do for one you love
it lightens something in me.
i know its fruitless, and maybe that's why i can't stop.
..i can't really explain it.
i have no trouble getting what i want, except for the fact that i don't know if it's what i'll want later. my wants change with every living moment. it's one of those things you cant define or predict. like beliefs and truths. they don't really exist...
there is no way for me to get what i want in one action because it keeps changing. at that one moment in time i wanted you, that's all. i wanted to experience you, win you over. and i got it. but after the fact i wanted more. and maybe i wanted never to have gone for it because i wanted it too much and it's hopeless. maybe i just want to blab on and on bout this to someone just to get it off me and into the wind to fly away.
this is why i don't stick up for myself.
my signals are crossed and i don't know what I'm living for.
i live too much for the love of others.
if i hurt people in my quest i hurt myself too.
I'm tired of pretending
Leonard,you are my savior of eloquence and simplicity.
i wish i knew your ways but i can only wish for wisdom in time.
maybe it's because i can always hope that you didn't read this. that you just clicked the x without realizing. i don't want to tell you because i don't want to make things worse. i dont want you to hate me. you're already so disatisfied with us. but it keeps getting worse inside of me. i want to tell you what i'm thinking, free speech and all that, but everytime i start you cut me off and recede into your own world and i'm left feeling ten times worse than when i kept my mouth shut. i didn't want to tell you because i started to think that maybe you were right. maybe i was just an ungrateful child and i should just stop complaining because you're almost always right. but the uneasiness inside me kept growing, and i didn't see the point of tearing myself down and nothing accomplised from it. if you feel angry or hurt by what i've said, then i'll tear myself down just the same, but atleast i've gotten it off my chest.
i can't place my faith in something ever-changing.
nothing stays fixed and i'm left to live day by day,
no promises made, no conclusions or resolutions.
...what's the point?
i figured you'd care about me. i thought i was your world.
i guess i've failed you then. as you've failed me back.
you failed to give me hope, confidence in myself.
if i didnt mean something to you how could i mean anything to anyone else?
it's impossible for me to believe in anything anymore
i wish i was something amazing, worth remembering or remorse..
this time was good for me.
i dont feel the way i did the last times.
where i thought i wanted it to go on
because i thought i was something special.
this time was different.
i knew i meant absolutely nothing to him
he didn't believe in love, just fucking around
and we were both in it for ourselves.
i wasnt his first and i wouldnt be his last
and in the big picture i'm nothing.
it made it easier to move on quickly.
i still thought about him, sure,
but i didn't waste anything on what could have been
still, he was a damn good kisser. =)
i almost hate myself for it. yet it felt so good getting what i want.
i was scared that my friends would hate me as other's have before.
it occured to me that they'd never seen me like this..
part of me didn't care.
i wasn't myself and i let it get the best of me.
but i can't shake the feling of accomplishment.
there's something strange about experiencing a person on that level.
its almost beautiful.. or maybe not
i've decided i'm perfectly alright being single.
i dated someone for over 6 months and what did it get me?
6 months of pain. sure, i felt love, but was it worth it?
i dont feel anything for him now.
it was just like he said that night
[the words are blurred by substances but i remember the backbone]
i still get the physical recognition
without giving out my heart to be inevitably broken.
what am i living for?
just going from day to day.
i'm not a fortune teller.
i don't know what's out there.
i want to sleep for a thousand years
because i don't see the point.
i need to slow down.
i'm staying in my world now.
no more trying to taste freedom
that leaves a sour taste in my mouth.
for doing the things i do; but its part of who i am.
killed by love
i silently curse the labels i placed on that feeling.
i never really wanted to belong.
i thought it was different.
the way i feel now shows that i'm not.
yet the pain's still the same all through the day.
i want someone who remember's my favorite kind of flower, how i like my breakfast. someone who loves me deeply and i mean the world to them
then i remembered i do have someone like that...
unfourtunately he cant remember a goddamned thing [too much pot]
so why do i feel so empty?
but i held my tongue. why? because i didnt want him to become more angry with me. i hold too much on other people's oppinions. i dont know why and i wish i didnt. i'm my own person and your opinnions touch only my outer shell. you cant change who i am deeper in. i'm still me and i will always be.
funny. i had thought about that earlier in the week, in a completely different light. maybe that's why it upsets me so. because he was someone i never thought would apply to it. to use his words, i thought you was better than that.
i jut cant get over the tone of his voice.
its the only thing keeping me from telling myself it was justa dream
thats what it feels like. it was a night to remember
but he just makes me want to forget.
i love her so much and no matter whati will
always be here for her. and i want her to remember
what i always say...shes amaizing and shes
done so much for
all that time iv done nothing but hert herand i
asked evry day r u ok... all i asked for
was a little comunication... a
second glance into ur head for a chance to see what u were thinking..a chance
but i gues its whats best for the both of us i
dont want to let u go yet i need to move on get
a new look on things.. im sik of herting cuz i miss her.. a new chance
at love will come my way one day... all i want is to die with sum thing... anything
more then all!
want to say. maybe things i should have said, could have told
you, but i didnt. you kept asking me, as if there was something. you gave me a hint
to probe my memory. it seemed important, like you were doing me a favor to
let me get something off my chest i could have been holding in. you gave
me another hint. it hadnt even occured to me. it wasnt something important to say before i had to go
i want you to find it.
so i dont have to tell you on my own.
i had a dream last night. it wasnt about you.
i was in ecstacy but it didn't hurt when i knew it wasn't real. i've grown so much this last year. i have all i need.
i suprise myself sometimes
when this all started i wanted this as much as you. my needs have changed but you remain the same. i'm moving on. you do anything to keep my close, its stopped being about us and now it's all about you.
he is tied to me.
i can light up his day with a smile, but i dont smile all the time.
he'd do anything for me. anything to get me back, to make me his again.
i'm starting to wonder if this is about me or him.
he loves me. beyond words.
i want to see him happy
but it's destroying me inside out.
and he's like a well trained dog. pathetic.
its been four months, i havent made much progress. how much time do i need? i wish i believed in fate, destiny, soulmates. then i'd be more sure of myself. but i never believe anymore.
all i know is that i love this feeling. to know withought a doubt that i mean the world to someone, that i can light their day with just a smile, that i am all they need...its beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.
there were times when i thought this was it, other times i felt i was sinking. i cant breathe again. i'm lost in the maze of stop and go. a void. i feel nothing yet i want everything.
i dont know what to do.
and let my dreams come true
a night where anything can happen
you let down your deffenses
are you who you wish you could be?
he saw me.
the eyes he had
like i was everything
coldsteel blue, rimmed in red
i wanted more
i wanted everything
just to know more...
i asked him
what he thought
he replied like me.
made me want it more.
i just wanted.
ive been thinking about religion alot recently.
i'm not pushing my beliefs onto anyone
you have no need to listen to anything i say
i'm just expressing my oppinions
but i just believe organized religion can't work.
i just dont see how all these people can all believe the story whole-heartedly
if religion works for you
fills a void, explains something, makes you feel better, then great.
but when people try and push their truths on other people
because they dont realize everyone is different
is just plain wrong
i'm not sure why.
maybe i liked what they had to say, now i have too much at stake. i enjoyed the sound of their words of wisdom, i lived by them, they shaped me. am i damning myself by disregarding them?
the one the stuck? she made me what i am today.
we all have our truths are mine the same as hers?
does a degree make hers truer?
i could be wrong. i wanted to think i had a chance. maybe.
i find it so enthralling.
i should have taken philosophy in highschool.
apparently its been a month now. and i found out by accident
he was drunk and let it slip. and i just let myself go. it upset me, beyond reason, but i didnt know why. which upset me even more. i was crying hard on the phone. he tried his best to console me
but he had to leave for work. i sat on my bed and tried to figure it out.
the reason i cried so much was because it was deja vu. of something i really didnt want to remember. the night brent left his phone at my house and i read those messages.
he didnt tell me because i seemed happier not knowing. and i found out by mistake and i felt betrayed. i wondered what else he could be keeping from me. i felt replaced.
with the smoking, it hurt because he knew much it upset me, so he quit. i guess...its like i feel like he doesnt care about me anymore because he did it anyway. its an irrational thought but i coudlnt help it. i tried to tell myself that, and it worked a bit.
i'm evil. i know i am.
because i dont think like the majority
and majority rules.
but maybe it's wrong?
maybe everyone is just wrong.
and maybe..just maybe..
but whos to say what's right?
its what the majority agrees with
therefore i must be wrong.
lets try and explain what goes on in my mind, shall we?
i believe we place too much importance on human life.
it is the reason we're in this mess.
we're too capable of emotions, feelings, attachment for our own good.
when someone is ill or injured, we do all we can to save them
because there's nothing more important that human life.
because we want to save them for ourselves.
so that we dont have to lose anything.
maybe..it's just me.
other people in the situation of dying dont want to.
because they are too attached to life.
maybe it's just me that isn't afraid of death.
maybe that's why i disregard human emotions so much.
i feel evil and different.
ive seen all good people turn their heads each day.
they follow blindly. they search out idols to believe.
because they want to be bigger than they are.
or because they know they're smaller then they want to be?
i don't see the point.
do to others as you'd have them do to you
i guess the golden rule doesnt apply to her.
so she lost her wedding ring. normaly this would be tragic
but i dont see the point in wasting emotions on it.
its not like she needed it anyways.
she hasnt even been wearing it for the past three months.
she'd put it on the dashboard of the car
of all places.
its been sitting there for over three months.
now it's gone.
and guess who's to blame?
me and my sister.
she doesnt think for one second that
it's her fault?
that she might have misplaced it?
she's divine, above all human err.
she think's we're trying to punish her.
i'm not sure.
we hate her.
but we hate her because we're ungrateful useless children
not at all because maybe she hasnt been much of a mother lately.
she's too busy cauddling her new child, her new obsession
the devil's spawn.
they were good feelings
we helped someone who had nothing
only hope and a will to survive.
we gave them something to be thankfull for
just like they gave it to me too.
it made me feel so good.
maybe there's still hope
the more people have the more they want to hold onto it
only people who know what it's like not to have everything at a momen't notice understand
they humanize with them, feel for them and help them.
the people who are too blind to see the other half
are the people who dont realize the true value of a possesion.
just like the book i'm reading.
they take from people who have so much to give
because they want to help them realize the beauty of giving.
its hard to understand sometimes
but i want nothing more than to get it.
this moment, is perfect, please dont go away..
his words stung because i felt his pain through them. his feelings soaking the words and turning them a different colour. i never told him to get the fuck out of my life, but it hurt to know thats how he felt. i willed him to see us as we are. if he had he would have noticed the situation. we were sitting on the ocuch, i had my legs on his lap, he was crying and i was holding him close, rubbing his back and whispering in his ear. to me that doesnt sound like "get the fuck out of my life."
thoughts wind in and out endlessly
i try to grasp on to them, to remember them
so i can write them down,
so others can think them as well.
but its pointless
i decide to, instead, accept it as it is
to know i thought them
and to let them go.
i think things once
why think them again?
i just need a break but i cant have one
and now that all the tests and exams are over
i dont have anything to strive for
i have no motivation.
i have a chemistry lab write-up
and a calorimetry worksheet
and i need to practice drums
but i cant do much more that lay in bed
nd feel sorry for myself.
my head hurts and i'm catching a cold
two things i'm blaming on math
and my body's hate for me.
i hate grade twelve.
i ran up the stairs. i started off slowly but my feet kept speeding up, as if i could run away from my stress. but there's nowhere to run and i end up sitting down in the end regardless.
i slammed the drums, faster and faster until i falter because my arms couldnt keep up with my brain.
i write faster because maybe the sooner i finish the sooner this will all be over.
but it never works that way. my brain cant keep up with my hand this time. i make mistakes and i have to redo the dreaded problems.
i'm sick of this.
i need better stress relievers.
of the safetly and closure i had
i felt warm and never apart.
its so hard to explain
this is just a moment of weakness i know
he's the only one avalible
after a long day of siapointments
the vulnurable side peeks through
did i say things i'll regret?
lead him on, break his heart
does it make it better if mine's broken too?
one i though i'd filled
there's a part of me
feelings i thought i'd killed.
to taunt me again
round and round
will this ever end?
maybe its different
maybe it's not
myheart is a cage
and i fear that i'm caught
i need asylum
i need to me sane
i dont understand
why im in so much pain
have i moved on
or am i just back
k i gotta stop writing
im gonna have a hear attack.
we just say what we feel. we don't take the time to put ourselves on the other side. i dont understand how each person can hold such different opinions and beliefs. we're all humans, we cant be that different, in theory. this just reinforces my beliefs that everything around us makes us who we are. everything influences us. my friend was brought up catholic and as a result she now believes in God. me on the other hand, wasn't, so i dont belive in It. i wonder what would happen if we were given complete unbiased surroundings, given complete choices. what would we chose? would we even become 'normal' humans? or would we chose not to decide?
we have out body mind and spirit. they each have their own needs. most people replace their spirit with god or a surreal experience they cant explain, others replace itwith halucinagens that take us to the world we've never seen. but your spirit is something that needs more, its never satified, or full. its always thirsty. you try so hard to fill it up but all that matters is what you believe in your heart cuz once you look deep down whatevers there is whats real to you because u cant contradict yourself no matter how hard you try. you cant hide from yourself. if you try to you'll start to have mental breakdowns but once you figure out its so life changing, its reasurring to know that all you need is your mind and you'll be alive.
i need them off my phone.
and some of them are eerie. you'll understand when i post them
but only if you know him and his living situation right now.
so dont think i'm weird. i cant throw things away.
so..transferring them here.
man i'm lame.
i decided to tie it to a string on my blanket. not sure why.
it made me think of everything else that had ties to him
i looked around my room, making mental notes of the objects
the guitar book, the shirt, the stuffed animal, the candles...
hidden in a jewellery box now.
i had forgoten all about it.
out of sight out of mind.
odd, how something i wore around my neck
every day for over two months
could slip out of my memory so easily.
running circles in my mind from each different possibility.
each one worse than before.
i dont know what he'd do
he'd tell me, wouldn't he?
he'd want me to know..
he wouldnt leave me in the dark
would he think he's protecting me if he did?
i know i'm going to feel stupid
when it turns out to be nothing
but i cant help it.
we need to protect human life. we're so precious; the most important creatures on earth. we're too great to die from natural causes. think about it.
we interfere in nature's way. live die live die, that's life. disease and fatal injuries are the ways that the world keeps populations in check. survival of the fittest. but we hide behind out drugs and our synthetic life savers. we become weaker and weaker until we rely solely on our own creations.
yet we believe ourselves to be the strongest creatures. superior in every way. are we? yes, we've been able to create this modern world by using the full capacity of our greater intelligence. does anyone question it? why is it this way? we're curious, that's why. we're not satisfied with simple nature. we wonder and fantisize, we create and recreate. every new advancement in out technological environment takes us farther away from our roots. until future generations have never been subjected to reality. but this is their reality, they accept it as the only way because its all they've ever known
i combed willow, she yells because she wanted me to do a really good job
i water the front and back garden, she gets mad because i didn't get dana outside
i'm doing a practice math test, she gets angry because i'm not helping in the kitchen.
i go and rake the front lawn she gets pissed and storms off because no one's watcing the puppy.
i try my hardest and it doesn't even matter because my best isn't nearly as good as what she expects.
she seems to think i dont try so whats the point in me even trying?
my frustration turns into sadness but i change it to anger because she's not worth my tears.
it made me wonder. why do humans care so much about what goes on aorund us? why do we need to know what's going on halfway around the world? why do people invent all sorts of pointless imaginary concepts and theories? mathematics being the main thing. i cant wrap my head around these abstract concepts, i just get distracted trying to figure out why in the world people would spend their time inventing things just so they have more to learn. why aren't we satisfied being simple beings like the rest of the animals on earth? its funny how each person has a different concept of what's important and worthy of their time. me, i dont really think anything complicated is important. simplicity is the way of the earth and i want to abide by it.
im perfectly capable of moving foreward
out of this life into another
perfectly the same, minus the one difference.
the difference is the reason i can't
not for me, but for him.
i'm wrong in my justifications i'm sure.
so lets return to the question at hand.
because...do i feel that my choice was unjust?
do i have this subconcious need to make him happy?
i hate to see him in pain. its my fault.
it was his fault, at one point. i suppose.
i feel a need to hang on...i'm unsure as to why.
because he was a huge part of my life.
i have difficulties grasping the reasons from my mind
to write them out, sort them out.
i find it to be odd. what do all my incoherent ramblings mean? is it a glimpse that perhaps i wont be an ordinary? that in time these ramblings will evolve into some form of conclusive thoughts with a matter of depth and insight to them?
the future scares me. i don't know what to make of myself.
but things werent like that, the next day. i should stop this. i cant obsess over things that have the slimmest chance of ever coming true. part of is it sad but i cant help but thinking maybe its for the best.
i cant help wishing it would. maybe it would be the cure to my questionable party activities. i feel like im on a road and i'm travelling. looking for the key to set me free. i'm searching for a part of me that i'd lost earlier, a part that i hadn't realized was in me until it was taken away. true happiness i suppose. a replica, a copy or something completely new from what i'd experienced before. the feeling of feeling complete is intoxicating. made worse by immeasurable amounts when it faulters.