is why wont this ever end?
Every now and then I get down to the end of the day
I have to stop, ask myself why I've done it.
It just seems so useless to have to work so hard
and nothin' ever really seems to come from it.
it just never seems to end,
its something i need to keep working at, keep it up.
i've lost all motivation.
i guess i just expect other people to go for what they want
and if they want something from me they'll confront me.
but i guess people are just like me.
i hate this world. i hate humanity and civilization, technology, drama, history, ect. ect. ect.
they found what they will always want again.
Your beauty lost to you yourself
just as it was lost to them.
Oh take this longing from my tongue,
whatever useless things these hands have done.
Let me see your beauty broken down
like you would do for one you love
it lightens something in me.
i know its fruitless, and maybe that's why i can't stop.
..i can't really explain it.
i have no trouble getting what i want, except for the fact that i don't know if it's what i'll want later. my wants change with every living moment. it's one of those things you cant define or predict. like beliefs and truths. they don't really exist...
there is no way for me to get what i want in one action because it keeps changing. at that one moment in time i wanted you, that's all. i wanted to experience you, win you over. and i got it. but after the fact i wanted more. and maybe i wanted never to have gone for it because i wanted it too much and it's hopeless. maybe i just want to blab on and on bout this to someone just to get it off me and into the wind to fly away.
this is why i don't stick up for myself.
my signals are crossed and i don't know what I'm living for.
i live too much for the love of others.
if i hurt people in my quest i hurt myself too.
I'm tired of pretending
Leonard,you are my savior of eloquence and simplicity.
i wish i knew your ways but i can only wish for wisdom in time.
maybe it's because i can always hope that you didn't read this. that you just clicked the x without realizing. i don't want to tell you because i don't want to make things worse. i dont want you to hate me. you're already so disatisfied with us. but it keeps getting worse inside of me. i want to tell you what i'm thinking, free speech and all that, but everytime i start you cut me off and recede into your own world and i'm left feeling ten times worse than when i kept my mouth shut. i didn't want to tell you because i started to think that maybe you were right. maybe i was just an ungrateful child and i should just stop complaining because you're almost always right. but the uneasiness inside me kept growing, and i didn't see the point of tearing myself down and nothing accomplised from it. if you feel angry or hurt by what i've said, then i'll tear myself down just the same, but atleast i've gotten it off my chest.
i can't place my faith in something ever-changing.
nothing stays fixed and i'm left to live day by day,
no promises made, no conclusions or resolutions.
...what's the point?
i figured you'd care about me. i thought i was your world.
i guess i've failed you then. as you've failed me back.
you failed to give me hope, confidence in myself.
if i didnt mean something to you how could i mean anything to anyone else?
it's impossible for me to believe in anything anymore
i wish i was something amazing, worth remembering or remorse..
this time was good for me.
i dont feel the way i did the last times.
where i thought i wanted it to go on
because i thought i was something special.
this time was different.
i knew i meant absolutely nothing to him
he didn't believe in love, just fucking around
and we were both in it for ourselves.
i wasnt his first and i wouldnt be his last
and in the big picture i'm nothing.
it made it easier to move on quickly.
i still thought about him, sure,
but i didn't waste anything on what could have been
still, he was a damn good kisser. =)
i almost hate myself for it. yet it felt so good getting what i want.
i was scared that my friends would hate me as other's have before.
it occured to me that they'd never seen me like this..
part of me didn't care.
i wasn't myself and i let it get the best of me.
but i can't shake the feling of accomplishment.
there's something strange about experiencing a person on that level.
its almost beautiful.. or maybe not
i've decided i'm perfectly alright being single.
i dated someone for over 6 months and what did it get me?
6 months of pain. sure, i felt love, but was it worth it?
i dont feel anything for him now.
it was just like he said that night
[the words are blurred by substances but i remember the backbone]
i still get the physical recognition
without giving out my heart to be inevitably broken.
what am i living for?
just going from day to day.
i'm not a fortune teller.
i don't know what's out there.
i want to sleep for a thousand years
because i don't see the point.
i need to slow down.
i'm staying in my world now.
no more trying to taste freedom
that leaves a sour taste in my mouth.
for doing the things i do; but its part of who i am.
killed by love
i silently curse the labels i placed on that feeling.
i never really wanted to belong.
i thought it was different.
the way i feel now shows that i'm not.
yet the pain's still the same all through the day.
i want someone who remember's my favorite kind of flower, how i like my breakfast. someone who loves me deeply and i mean the world to them
then i remembered i do have someone like that...
unfourtunately he cant remember a goddamned thing [too much pot]
so why do i feel so empty?
but i held my tongue. why? because i didnt want him to become more angry with me. i hold too much on other people's oppinions. i dont know why and i wish i didnt. i'm my own person and your opinnions touch only my outer shell. you cant change who i am deeper in. i'm still me and i will always be.
funny. i had thought about that earlier in the week, in a completely different light. maybe that's why it upsets me so. because he was someone i never thought would apply to it. to use his words, i thought you was better than that.
i jut cant get over the tone of his voice.
its the only thing keeping me from telling myself it was justa dream
thats what it feels like. it was a night to remember
but he just makes me want to forget.
i love her so much and no matter whati will
always be here for her. and i want her to remember
what i always say...shes amaizing and shes
done so much for
all that time iv done nothing but hert herand i
asked evry day r u ok... all i asked for
was a little comunication... a
second glance into ur head for a chance to see what u were thinking..a chance
but i gues its whats best for the both of us i
dont want to let u go yet i need to move on get
a new look on things.. im sik of herting cuz i miss her.. a new chance
at love will come my way one day... all i want is to die with sum thing... anything
more then all!
want to say. maybe things i should have said, could have told
you, but i didnt. you kept asking me, as if there was something. you gave me a hint
to probe my memory. it seemed important, like you were doing me a favor to
let me get something off my chest i could have been holding in. you gave
me another hint. it hadnt even occured to me. it wasnt something important to say before i had to go
i want you to find it.
so i dont have to tell you on my own.
i had a dream last night. it wasnt about you.
i was in ecstacy but it didn't hurt when i knew it wasn't real. i've grown so much this last year. i have all i need.
i suprise myself sometimes
when this all started i wanted this as much as you. my needs have changed but you remain the same. i'm moving on. you do anything to keep my close, its stopped being about us and now it's all about you.
he is tied to me.
i can light up his day with a smile, but i dont smile all the time.
he'd do anything for me. anything to get me back, to make me his again.
i'm starting to wonder if this is about me or him.
he loves me. beyond words.
i want to see him happy
but it's destroying me inside out.
and he's like a well trained dog. pathetic.
its been four months, i havent made much progress. how much time do i need? i wish i believed in fate, destiny, soulmates. then i'd be more sure of myself. but i never believe anymore.
all i know is that i love this feeling. to know withought a doubt that i mean the world to someone, that i can light their day with just a smile, that i am all they need...its beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.
there were times when i thought this was it, other times i felt i was sinking. i cant breathe again. i'm lost in the maze of stop and go. a void. i feel nothing yet i want everything.
i dont know what to do.
and let my dreams come true
a night where anything can happen
you let down your deffenses
are you who you wish you could be?
he saw me.
the eyes he had
like i was everything
coldsteel blue, rimmed in red
i wanted more
i wanted everything
just to know more...
i asked him
what he thought
he replied like me.
made me want it more.
i just wanted.