29.11.08

i dont like poetry

i long for intrepidness,
to be strong
for a willingness to move on.
but now i'm just trepid
dormant and vapid.
there's a word for everything

sail on

there's something tugging at something inside of me.
like there's something i'd rather be doing
someone i'd rather be seeing
somewhere else i'd rather be.
yet i'm rooted here
getting lost in this hopeless little screen.

herman hesse

"There is much to be said for contentment and painlessness, for these bearable and submissive days, on which neither pain nor pleasure is audible, but pass by whispering and on tip-toe. But the worst of it is that it is just this contentment that I cannot endure. After a short time it fills me with irrepressible hatred and nausea. In desperation I have to escape and throw myself on the road to pleasure, or, if that cannot be, on the road to pain. When I have neither pleasure nor pain and have been breathing for a while the lukewarm insipid air of these so-called good and tolerable days, I feel so bad in my childish soul that I smash my moldering lyre of thanksgiving in the face of the slumbering god of contentment and would rather feel the very devil burn in me than this warmth of a well-heated room. A wild longing for strong emotions and sensations seethes in me, a rage against this toneless, flat, normal and sterile life. I have a mad impulse to smash something, a warehouse, or a cathedral, or myself, to commit outrages, to pull off the wigs of a few revered idols, to provide a few rebellious schoolboys with the longed-for ticket to Hamburg, or to stand one or two representatives of the established order on their heads. For what I always hated and detested and cursed above all things was this contentment, this healthiness and comfort, this carefully preserved optimism of the middle classes, this fat and prosperous brood of mediocrity."

27.11.08

mother should i build a wall?

all i have to say
is why wont this ever end?
Every now and then I get down to the end of the day
I have to stop, ask myself why I've done it.
It just seems so useless to have to work so hard
and nothin' ever really seems to come from it.
it just never seems to end,
its something i need to keep working at, keep it up.
i've lost all motivation.
i guess i just expect other people to go for what they want
and if they want something from me they'll confront me.
but i guess people are just like me.
i hate this world. i hate humanity and civilization, technology, drama, history, ect. ect. ect.




for mango

26.11.08

just stfu

i've lost my faith in humanity. the merge lanes on the highway to acceptance disgust me.
no one sticks up for what they believe in when faced with adversity.
another example of the apathy of mankind.
is there no end to it?

dgvrf

oh the horror, humanity, agony whatever.

25.11.08

je n'aime pas la poesie

i try to make the words seem special
but they look up at me with despair in their eyes
and frustration on their lips.
i mirror their pains and shut the book.

i ain't jokin' i have to ramble on

life is a tunnel but i've hit the wall and the light's have gone off. these stupid little actions scorch the edges of my soul like some discarded work of art. i need to learn to let things go. i'll get back on my path and the things will recede into the past and into oblivion where the forgotten creatures live. but they surround me and fall about me now. their heaviness strains my lungs but i almost don't want to push them off. i just don't see why i'm peeling each layer of my mind away for nothing, for it to be lost in the winds of submission far away.

take me to the houses of the holy, let me run over the hills and far away and ramble on. i aint jokin woman i have to ramble on. you shook me, my time has come. this communication breakdown left me dazed and confused. the dancing days are over, good times and bad times too. i need to go away from this place, take me to the ocean. how many times will i go through this? i can't quit you baby..you make me happy every single day..you know i'd never ever ever leave you.

23.11.08

i dunno.

people react to certain situations because of who they are
but they are who they are because of how they react to certain situations.

engulfed in inner-workings

and i guess all is back to normal...
but what is normal?
these slight scrapings of the surface
cause this indescribable sensation...
its overwhelming
and i need to pull myself out
my mantra; it is what it is.

21.11.08

many men

everyone who wanted you
they found what they will always want again.
Your beauty lost to you yourself
just as it was lost to them.
Oh take this longing from my tongue,
whatever useless things these hands have done.
Let me see your beauty broken down
like you would do for one you love

and he said

faith is the antithesis of proof

and all i have to say

boys are so complicated.

19.11.08

echo.

when i think of your kisses my mind sees stars

it lightens something in me.
i know its fruitless, and maybe that's why i can't stop.
..i can't really explain it.

i have no trouble getting what i want, except for the fact that i don't know if it's what i'll want later. my wants change with every living moment. it's one of those things you cant define or predict. like beliefs and truths. they don't really exist...

there is no way for me to get what i want in one action because it keeps changing. at that one moment in time i wanted you, that's all. i wanted to experience you, win you over. and i got it. but after the fact i wanted more. and maybe i wanted never to have gone for it because i wanted it too much and it's hopeless. maybe i just want to blab on and on bout this to someone just to get it off me and into the wind to fly away.

18.11.08

how can others love me when i dont love myself?

i always looked up to you, i admired your many talents; your art, your voice, but mostly your skill at being a mother. you were always on top of everything, always there. i realized i may have taken it for granted and i really regret it. things have changed alot and it will probably never go back to how it was, but we can still make the best of this. i know the problems you have with us and yourself. i want to tell you it's all ok, and sometimes things are out of your control but that's the beauty of life, you just have to learn to accept it's not all up to you. realize what you do have control over and even if it's just yourself (which it usualy only is) then maybe that's all you need. its all in the mind, life's what you make it and all that bunk.
maybe its easier said than done. i bet it is but i can't even imagine. i just want you to know i'm here for you and i love you.
I'm selfish.
this is why i don't stick up for myself.
my signals are crossed and i don't know what I'm living for.
i live too much for the love of others.
if i hurt people in my quest i hurt myself too.
i...don't know.
it's hard to explain, but I'm getting better.

I'm tired of pretending
I'm broken from bending
I've lived too long on my knees
Leonard,
you are my savior of eloquence and simplicity.
i wish i knew your ways but i can only wish for wisdom in time.

17.11.08

i have no courage so here it is..

i don't know why i can't tell you this myself, why i need to resort to such coward methods.
maybe it's because i can always hope that you didn't read this. that you just clicked the x without realizing. i don't want to tell you because i don't want to make things worse. i dont want you to hate me. you're already so disatisfied with us. but it keeps getting worse inside of me. i want to tell you what i'm thinking, free speech and all that, but everytime i start you cut me off and recede into your own world and i'm left feeling ten times worse than when i kept my mouth shut. i didn't want to tell you because i started to think that maybe you were right. maybe i was just an ungrateful child and i should just stop complaining because you're almost always right. but the uneasiness inside me kept growing, and i didn't see the point of tearing myself down and nothing accomplised from it. if you feel angry or hurt by what i've said, then i'll tear myself down just the same, but atleast i've gotten it off my chest.

i wish you'd care more than this..

but i guess caring comes with love

and leaves with it too.

i'm sorry guys..i'm just unsatisfied with his reply.

and all you can say is 'im srry'..

i can't trust anything it seems.
i can't place my faith in something ever-changing.
nothing stays fixed and i'm left to live day by day,
no promises made, no conclusions or resolutions.
...what's the point?
i guess i just expected more from you.
I'm stubborn as those garbage bags that time cannot decay
because i thought i was something special.
i figured you'd care about me. i thought i was your world.
i guess i've failed you then. as you've failed me back.
you failed to give me hope, confidence in myself.
if i didnt mean something to you how could i mean anything to anyone else?

it's impossible for me to believe in anything anymore
i wish i was something amazing, worth remembering or remorse..
But i'm as common as each blurry face that wander on their way

it's all over now baby blue

third time's the charm?
maybe.
this time was good for me.
i dont feel the way i did the last times.
where i thought i wanted it to go on
because i thought i was something special.
this time was different.
i knew i meant absolutely nothing to him
he didn't believe in love, just fucking around
and we were both in it for ourselves.
i wasnt his first and i wouldnt be his last
and in the big picture i'm nothing.
it made it easier to move on quickly.
i still thought about him, sure,
but i didn't waste anything on what could have been
still, he was a damn good kisser. =)

16.11.08

mr smith

it keeps coming back to me in snippits. the first kiss. the first touch.
i almost hate myself for it. yet it felt so good getting what i want.
i was scared that my friends would hate me as other's have before.
it occured to me that they'd never seen me like this..
part of me didn't care.
i wasn't myself and i let it get the best of me.
but i can't shake the feling of accomplishment.
there's something strange about experiencing a person on that level.
its almost beautiful.. or maybe not
i've decided i'm perfectly alright being single.
i dated someone for over 6 months and what did it get me?
6 months of pain. sure, i felt love, but was it worth it?
i dont feel anything for him now.
it was just like he said that night
[the words are blurred by substances but i remember the backbone]
i still get the physical recognition
without giving out my heart to be inevitably broken.

you look like you'd fit in the trunk of my car

the toilet is full of acid and i've never felt so empty.
what am i living for?
just going from day to day.
i'm not a fortune teller.
i don't know what's out there.
i want to sleep for a thousand years
because i don't see the point.
i need to slow down.
i'm staying in my world now.
no more trying to taste freedom
that leaves a sour taste in my mouth.

13.11.08

please.

three words; this is fucked.
tell all.
i dont know why certain things annoy me the way they do.
i hate myself but i need it off my chest.
why people's actions touch me like they do.
i guess it hurts when i know you hate him.
i silenty scorn myself
i guess..its ok; im angry with him too
for doing the things i do; but its part of who i am.
but that's because i know him the way i do.
and i can't turn away from who i am
you can't even begin to.
so i can just hope to understand why i do it.
nevermind. you can have your oppinions..i guess just dont share them with me..
thats all i can ask for.

12.11.08

everybody's dream can fall apart

the tables have turned, my mask is broken.
killed by love
i silently curse the labels i placed on that feeling.
i never really wanted to belong.
i thought it was different.
the way i feel now shows that i'm not.

I got a longer fall, a longer fall to take
Cause I'm a bigger fool with a bigger heart to break
i'm empty, distrought. my heart is unwell.
funny.
each chapter unfolds and the past dies away.
yet the pain's still the same all through the day.
there's so much on my mind.
i believe i've cursed myself.
i have no hope for the future.
no belief that i will somehow end victorious.
no.
its all over now, baby blue..
i want to build a self sustainable cabin and live there in my own way. i have no want at all for the way of man. i dont want money i dont want your material life supports. give me peace of mind and nature's way and i will be happy.

11.11.08

i have this problem where i am completely dissatisfied with the way we're headed

remember remember

close my eyes and sit in silence
like i've been doing all these years
but my mind is empty.
i was not there.
i can't remember.
i feel so detached.
i know nothing of their sacrifices
yet i've been told their words
over and over.
but they are just words
i know there is meaning behind them
somewhere
but i don't know of it.
i feel like an inconsiderate monster
a child taking life for granted
but until i fight myself
or feel the pain of loss
for this everlastng cause
i won't be able to remember anything.

everybody knows the fight was fixed

i want to live in a loft somewhere with like minded people. full windows overlooking some sncredible beauty. i want room to breathe and a place to paint. i want to create beauty. i want to be seperate from the world. i dont want some high end job tearing at my sanity. i despise this world. i want to live for myself and for love. i dont want to be a aprt ofthis world, full of greed, uncertainty, inadequacy and sadness..

10.11.08

leonard

you're letters all say that you're beside me now.
so why do i feel alone?
i feel so empty.

i saw madagasgar 2

and i cried during it. it makes me cringe with embarasment, but i did.
i want someone who remember's my favorite kind of flower, how i like my breakfast. someone who loves me deeply and i mean the world to them
then i remembered i do have someone like that...
unfourtunately he cant remember a goddamned thing [too much pot]
so why do i feel so empty?

9.11.08

oh he's annoying.

apparently he's turning himself in tomorrow.
i'm not standing in his way
he'll get over himself eventualy
and there's no point wasting emotions on it.
if he does end up turning himself in
well then good on him.

fucked

the adrenaline still running, flashes jumpy moments through my mind. i try and breathe, tell myself its ok, its all over, what's done is done. i would be perfectly unperturbed by my rebellion save for one person. i dont know why i let him get to me. i wanted to yell at him "you're not my fucking mother." "i dont think you even care about me, only yourself"
but i held my tongue. why? because i didnt want him to become more angry with me. i hold too much on other people's oppinions. i dont know why and i wish i didnt. i'm my own person and your opinnions touch only my outer shell. you cant change who i am deeper in. i'm still me and i will always be.
funny. i had thought about that earlier in the week, in a completely different light. maybe that's why it upsets me so. because he was someone i never thought would apply to it. to use his words, i thought you was better than that.

i jut cant get over the tone of his voice.
its the only thing keeping me from telling myself it was justa dream
thats what it feels like. it was a night to remember
but he just makes me want to forget.

7.11.08

he figured it out

and this is his response:

i love her so much and no matter whati will
always be here for her. and i want her to remember
what i always say...shes amaizing and shes
done so much for
me.
all that time iv done nothing but hert herand i
asked evry day r u ok... all i asked for
was a little comunication... a
second glance into ur head for a chance to see what u were thinking..a chance
but i gues its whats best for the both of us i
dont want to let u go yet i need to move on get
a new look on things.. im sik of herting cuz i miss her.. a new chance
at love will come my way one day... all i want is to die with sum thing... anything

more then all!

6.11.08

there is a hidden message.

i answered no.you asked again. i answered no. again. there's nothing i
want to say. maybe things i should have said, could have told
you, but i didnt. you kept asking me, as if there was something. you gave me a hint
to probe my memory. it seemed important, like you were doing me a favor to
let me get something off my chest i could have been holding in. you gave
me another hint. it hadnt even occured to me. it wasnt something important to say before i had to go
i want you to find it.
so i dont have to tell you on my own.

5.11.08

please please me

the story is left unfinished. can't bear to give it the happy ending i always wanted.

i had a dream last night. it wasnt about you.

i was in ecstacy but it didn't hurt when i knew it wasn't real. i've grown so much this last year. i have all i need.
i suprise myself sometimes
when this all started i wanted this as much as you. my needs have changed but you remain the same. i'm moving on. you do anything to keep my close, its stopped being about us and now it's all about you.
do you remember your words?
you'd live to let me shine?
you were wrong and i was wrong to believe you.
you can set sail to the west if you want to
i'm on the shore, ready
but your anchor holds me back.
you're like a child.
how could i leave you?
i want you to be happy.
but i want you to want me to be happy
open your eyes.
let me go.
i wont leave you.
i want you
but i'm a different person now

4.11.08

welcome obama

i think i'm an elitist.

3.11.08

Pt II

the weight that is on my shoulders.. its all up to me. lying there in my arms is a baby.
he is tied to me.
i can light up his day with a smile, but i dont smile all the time.
he'd do anything for me. anything to get me back, to make me his again.
i'm starting to wonder if this is about me or him.
he loves me. beyond words.
i want to see him happy
but it's destroying me inside out.



and he's like a well trained dog. pathetic.

Pt I

its intoxicating, this feeling. i want someone to hold me, kiss the worry away. i still feel the traces...maybe i always will? maybe i'll move on.
its been four months, i havent made much progress. how much time do i need? i wish i believed in fate, destiny, soulmates. then i'd be more sure of myself. but i never believe anymore.
all i know is that i love this feeling. to know withought a doubt that i mean the world to someone, that i can light their day with just a smile, that i am all they need...its beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.

late nights

i wanted to run to him, hiss him and melt together in blissful harmony. but when i was thereit evaoporated. something was out of key, skewed.
there were times when i thought this was it, other times i felt i was sinking. i cant breathe again. i'm lost in the maze of stop and go. a void. i feel nothing yet i want everything.
i dont know what to do.

1.11.08


i want something.
anything
everything?
maybe.
distract me
pull me from my nonsense
there is a world out there.
i want to be in it.
just walk out my front door
and let my dreams come true

i have no dreams.
no dreams of my own
everyone else
pouring their last chances into me
there's nothing left for me
i dont know what i want

i just.....want.

shaman

the golden hay, grey evening light
a night where anything can happen
you let down your deffenses
are you who you wish you could be?
he saw me.
the eyes he had
like i was everything
coldsteel blue, rimmed in red
i wanted more
i wanted everything
just to know more...
i asked him
what he thought
he replied like me.
made me want it more.
i just wanted.