i don't know why i felt the way i did today. i was so low. perhaps it was withdrawal. stupid drugs. no, not the illegal kind, or the over the counter, or even the mundane every day kinds like caffeine. no, this is some potent emotional drug. a drug in nature and definition. sorta.
A chemical substance, such as a narcotic or hallucinogen, that affects the central nervous system, causing changes in behavior and often addiction.
it changes my behavior, and maybe i am addicted. i want dearly to be anything but. its so tempting. it makes me question this label of "stength" that has been placed upon my brow. i am unsure. i know that i need to keep my distance. i cant be lured in by the temptation that is synonymous with this situation. i am afraid of hurting. me or others. another one of my shortfalls. i put myself through strife and discomfort and other emotional agonies because i don't want to put others through it. i know i make it a bigger deal than it is, but that is what i do. i have come to be comfortable with it. i guess i am comfortable in my discomfort
i feel like breaking something but i'm too attached to all my shit
i feel like going and breaking something thats not mine but then i'll feel like an ass
i feel like screaming at the top of my lungs but i dont want anyone to hear me
so what do i do?
i go and clean the kitchen.
what is WRONG with me?
blur me to appease your multiple personalities
dip me in water
chain me to your defenses
paint me up
cut me down
fold me hold me
burn me break me
leave me with this blackened hole
after all..i am strong.
i can take it.
i feel i am waiting, for something ungraspable. i feel my heart speaks to me in dreams but my head cannot comprehend it's messages.
and in my mood i turn to someone who explains it for me. Joni.
I am on a lonely road and I am travelling travelling. Looking for something, what can it be? Oh I hate you some, I hate you some..I love you some. Oh I love you when I forget about me. I want to be strong I want to laugh along. I want to belong to the living. Alive, alive, I want to get up and jive, I want to wreck my stockings in some juke box dive.
I am on a lonely road and I am traveling...Looking for the key to set me free. Oh the jealousy, the greed is the unraveling, Its the unraveling, And it undoes all the joy that could be. I want to have fun, I want to shine like the sun, I want to be the one that you want to see
"love will see us through this"
i have a terrible renching pain in my heart at the thought if it. i feel a burning hatred rising in my chest when i think of things people have told me. Well they give me all kinds of warnings to save me from ruin, i may have just gone with the majority. democracy wins, but i lose. he loses. every now and then i find my mind going back to him. wanting him back. then i stumble in horror and cry out what have i done? i cant go back. things will never be the same. leave it to me to muddle everything up. but there is still a part of me that validates my decision, that leave a whisp of relief in my soul. i was a fool to believe i could just erase everything that reminds me of him. that in distancing myself from him i'd be able to forget him and move on. i have troubles with forgiving and even more with forgetting. and i know no matter what i'd think of him, in times of deep sadness and loneliness. i cant bring myself to describe the way he touched my life. i'll cry if i do and i've wasted too many tears on him. but i cant turn my back on happiness, even if it was tarnished. truth is he made me feel great, most of the time. and i know i cant trust him as i did, i know i cant go back to loving him the way i did, but i cant leave him in the past. chances are i will regret this choice, but i feel i need to do it. i need to talk to him. i need to hear him. because this loneliness is leaving a black hole in my chest and my vital signs may soon flatline...i dont knwo what i'm saying anymore. i need to get out of here.
In a dangerous world
Why are we not aloud to think?
Why can we not think for ourselves?
Why must we suffer?
Do you feel that we are not good enough?
Why do you question?
We people are aloud to think
You cannot control my mind
You cannot control what I think
I am who I am
I think what I think
And maybe thinking is the answer.
is it right to flip flop
from each extreme,
every time thinking it is right?
feeling absolute validity to my actions
only to turn around and have them muddled?
i dont know what is right
maybe there is no right answer
and i will run circles in my mind
never coming to a finite conclusion.
i need to know both sides
i need to feel them
come to know them intimately
before chosing one.
but the more i come to know one
the harder it will be to leave it behind.
and i have defeated the purpose.
i have a fear of putting myself out there. of telling it as it is and letting the chips land as they may. i require a first move by the other party before i make mine. i have a fear of getting hurt. my mental block prevents me from realizing that i should just go for it. i shouldnt care if i get hurt because i may just stumble over something amazing.
i wish i was still a child. i wish i didnt know anything. i wish i just acted on impulse because i didnt know hurt or pain. everything was so carefree.
i am not afraid of death. Death will be simple. It is one thing that humans haven't been able to overcomplicate. We've created a sentiment about it that weaves in to the idea of death that makes us fear it, but the physical aspect is the same as it has always been.