30.8.08

my own unopened letter.


i have no idea what to think.

29.8.08

i appologize for this rant.


its really annoying. she spends all day on the computer buying endless expensive trinkets, and when i go on for a few minutes while she's out for a smoke break to upload pictures, she get mad because i'm on the computer all the time. then she goes off about how my dad cant get us to do anything and stuff only gets done if she's the one who asks us. well then why doesnt she ask us? she is a parent, its part of the job. unless she thinks she's exempt from responsibilities because she does so much other stuff. it kills me, what does she do lately? dont get me wrong she was amazing back when we were younger. she had everything organized. and ya i guess she can blame it on her depression, but still. she plays in her garden and buys shit on ebay. she thinks its so great and its so annoying when she's on the computer and we're all working in the kitchen and she keeps narrating the bidding like we give a damn which we so dont. i keep wondering when she'll stop. she does it in excess and doesnt realize it. she gets mad at me when i kept putting pictures on deviantart. and i told her strait up that she goes overboard, and it just bounced off her. she doesnt realize whats wrong about this. she cant just keep getting mad at all of us because suddenly we need to be able to read her mind and know what needs to be done. it doesnt work that way and maybe its a fault on your parenting style. you babied us and suddenly found out it was wrong and decided to gove us all this responsibility. ahhh

27.8.08

i hate this.


you said "more than all." your words sounded like a song. you said we'd last forever but forever's far too long. you put so much on my shoulders, you said 'i need you." i should have been touched but i knew your words were true. you speak from the heart, you mean what you say. the way that you said it scared me away. in addition to never saying never, i've learnt never to say always, or forever. i hate how i want you, long for you to be near, when you're with me i'm excstatic but i hurt when you're not here. you're like a drug; i'm addicted, you alter my mind. not illegal, but still of the deadliest kind

26.8.08

i am a mess.

[insert cool picture here]

i don't know why i felt the way i did today. i was so low. perhaps it was withdrawal. stupid drugs. no, not the illegal kind, or the over the counter, or even the mundane every day kinds like caffeine. no, this is some potent emotional drug. a drug in nature and definition. sorta.

A chemical substance, such as a narcotic or hallucinogen, that affects the central nervous system, causing changes in behavior and often addiction.

it changes my behavior, and maybe i am addicted. i want dearly to be anything but. its so tempting. it makes me question this label of "stength" that has been placed upon my brow. i am unsure. i know that i need to keep my distance. i cant be lured in by the temptation that is synonymous with this situation. i am afraid of hurting. me or others. another one of my shortfalls. i put myself through strife and discomfort and other emotional agonies because i don't want to put others through it. i know i make it a bigger deal than it is, but that is what i do. i have come to be comfortable with it. i guess i am comfortable in my discomfort

thats what you get for sucking carpet.


He tells me i'm strong. i'm the centerhold of my family. he makes it so much more than i feel it is. maybe i do that too. or maybe thats how it seems for people around me. he says i'm emotional too. i agree with that. i'll become upset over one thing, then it makes me remember everything i was upset about before, and i start to cry about my bottled up feelings. i continue on like this until i dont even know what is making me cry, but i'm aware that i look like an immature baby. i feel immature when people call me strong. i don't know why, really. i guess because i dont feel that i am. i just dont think i deserve that title when there are people out there with way more troubling lives than me, people who have to put up with a lot more, who deserve the title of "strong" i just don't feel that i've put up with that much bullshit, which he thinks i do. i dont know. certain things, like leaving him, despite his thoughts of it being unfair. he knows that its the right thing for me and he admires me for that. maybe i do have an inferiority complex. i just dont see what people keep talking about. maybe i'm just crazy. whatever. i gotta go now.

25.8.08

play that fuckin track.

i want to write a story
i've got so much stuff in my head
that i think will sound good as naration
i dunno why
maybe im just stupid.
probably

23.8.08

it will save trees..

my friend just read in a mag that they may be getting rid of physical money; coins and bills, as in. so all we'd have is credit and debit cards. this really freaked me out, and i cant explain why. maybe because it would be that our society will be ruled by this imaginary thing. just a bunch of numbers on a screen or a receipt. if something is as important and neccesary as money, i would like to be able to physicaly see and touch it. i have no trust in imaginary concepts.

21.8.08

arggg

i wish he would stop talking to meee
why do i have to be so nice??

i have completed a life goal

click it, check the views.

colbert

if i had a quarter for everytime i said i had a nickel, i would have five times as much theoretical money.

20.8.08

i have misplaced my camera.

i feel down. i am a slave to the painkillers. i'm afraid of feeling. i want comfort but i'm afraid to do little other than lie in my bed or sit at the computer. i wish i had my camera so i could occupy myself, but seems to have vanished. so i touch up old photos i took in the past, but that supply is running sparse. so i'm going to down some painkillers and play monopoly on my ipod and wallow in self pitty. ta. =)

blew blue away


circles and squares

you're stuck on my stockings, tripping on hoops and circles. hiding beneath lines and white plastic. over estimation, no forsight you sumersault in a blur of white and pink. i hear you wisper and murmer and cry at me. i hate you some and i love you some. you're my darling.

damage damage


like a moth to a flame

deadly and dangerous.

turn my wings to dust

falter back,

dazed, damaged

and head back in again.

almond breeze


my face feels fat. i cant open my mouth. funny, the things we take for granted. i couldnt sleep last night. i lay awake, contemplating, endlessly.

it felt so right. like that commercial says, the lightest touches bring on the biggest sensations. or something similar.

before, when things were different, i dove in too soon. and i was no longer satisfied just dipping my feet. but now that i had dried myself completely of any trace, dipping my feet is better than diving ever was.

18.8.08

ma belle


her wide eyed bewilderement, playful and innocent. strikes a chord in my heart and i cant help but be enlightened. she gives me happiness, a glimpse of beauty, and hope for the future.

you're music to my eyes


I believe it is good to constantly question everything.
It will lead to true happiness.

Because even though it kills us now,
one day,
we will find an answer.

17.8.08

if evil exsists its a pair of train tracks...

i can't remember the last time i felt this peaceful. i spent who knows how long learning Harrisburg on the guitar, the chords sounding so beautiful together. i sang along, not caring who could hear me. i was so in love with this song. i took a break and put on a cd, listening to the original version. my father told me to open my window. just as i did, the rain began to fall, adding background mellody to the music. i turned of my lamp and lay on my bed with my eyes closed, just lying there. no harrassing thoughts that sent ripples of worry or uneasiness through my body. no regret, no sorrow. just me, music, and the rain.

je l'aime avec tout ma coeur <3


16.8.08

fell asleep at 3:30. shit.

she has made me nocturnal. iwas up till 3 am, eating m&m cookies, talking to my sister over facebook and watching teletoon. some of the shows that are on this hour are pretty sick. i cant remember what the name of the show was, the one with the like...meatball and soda, but i think it has scarred me. i muted the tv and decided to occupy myself by creeping people's nex pages. i somehow got to this dude's page who seemed to be a perfect match to this character i read in streetpharm. for some reason i didnt believe that it was acctualy that way, but i guess i was wrong. it made me sick, all these boys with pictures of them flaunting their money and smoking pot. it was like...another world to me. it astounds me, what people will go to for money. i suppose that if you grow up having practicaly nothing, you'll do whatever it takes to get out of poverty. i guess i cant even begin to understand it because i was a fourtunate child. and i cant elaborate because me head feels like its going to explode. i hate being sick.

verve


what is love?

everytime i ask this question, i night at the roxbury is forced into my head. but i force it back out again.

it is a valid question. im listening to love is noise right now.

Love is these blues that I'm singing again Love is noise and love is pain Love is these blues that I'm singing again Love is noise, love is pain Love is these blues that I'm feeling again Love is noise, love is pain.

ive figured there are two types of songs. by people in love and people out of love. each have their biast views on the subject. those who are in love find it to be the most amazing thing imaginable. those who have lost it are spiteful and pessimistic. its almost as if i dont know who to believe. i look up to these experienced people for guidance, but its as i have just as much experience as they do.

i acctualy dont know where im going with this. its late, i'm tired, i smell weed thoguh i think its just my cough drop. i guess what im saying is...i think love is a drug. it places the user in a stupor of complete happiness, but it oculd leave at the drop of a dime, leaving the user in a completely different mood. im tired. i'll elaborate more later.

15.8.08

my grandmother says


30 years is a long time, if not longer.

14.8.08

sadly enough. theres gotta be less!!




i think i like you.


It's like some messed up deja vu. it makes me sick when i realize how similar it was when it happened to me. he sent it through i text message as well, telling me he liked me alot. i was freaked out, saying how the hell could he know that after one evening, barely talking to eachother? i thought him desperate and confused, but i went for it anyway. because heck, i was desperate too. (i know that sounds like an insult, and maybe it is, but i didnt mean it that way when i first wrote it.) the second date, he told me he loved me. i stopped him, and told him that we'd seen eachother three times. you cant possibly love me. you're just throwing that statement around like its nothing. he told me he loved me again. whatever. maybe he did mean it, i just couldnt possibly fathom how he could have. he kept pushing me and i surrendered, for reasons that i dont understand to this day. maybe i just wanted that relationship to work so bad, i was leaniant with certain things. i shoudlnt have, because i even started to scare myself. this wasnt like me. but i kept on because i though it was worth it. that we were meant to be and all this fairy tall crap. i look back and i twinge with discomfort when i realize how idiotic i must have sounded. love made me too blind to see. and part of me-a very large part-doesnt regret my decision. its just another one of the countless life experiences out there. saying those words again put a hint of sadness in my thoughts. it feels weird putting such a non-emotional explanation to it, when it was anything but. yet this is the way i feel i must cope with my decision. which brings me back to the beggining of my rant. in light of recent events that should have made me even more upset, i acctualy feel more confident then ever. i felt guilty before, thinking that because i was this "amazing thing" in his life, that he would have troubles getting over me. but its quite obvious that he will fall inlove with anyone that shows him the slightest bit of humanity. i wish him good luck with that, and though this does make me feel substantially better, i kind of wish i was harder to get over. i wish he was grieving and all depressed, but i guess thats too much to ask. dayum.

13.8.08

pour vous, mon vielle amour

i recognize the lameness of writing you a letter, but i have trouble speaking my mind when it matters most. i know you think i should take you back, that i am overreacting over this whole thing. maybe i am, but i have made my choice. its hard to explain, but this is the right thing for me to do. sometimes i wish i could just go back to you. erase the past month. but something has changed inside me and i dont see how it will be possible. i need to move on with my life. we had something special, but it died. you may not think so, but i do. i really dont want you to try and convince me to get back with you. my mind is set, and you will resolve nothing except making me feel like shit for doing what i did. i feel so bad for you, nothing seems to go right in your life. and i feel guilty for my choice, even though i shouldnt. its a huge responsibility, being "the best thing" in someone's life. i didnt want to leave because i wanted you to be happy. but i want you to know that i am over you. i feel confident in my choice, and i feel...free. being with you put so much stress on me, and it got to a point where i couldnt take it any longer. when i look back on our relationship, i know it wasnt meant to be. it always went too far for me, i always felt regret, either from letting you push me, or from lying to my parents. i think that i had my mind set on making this relationship work, because i was so happy to be in a relationship. i would do things for you that just didnt seem like me. my friends and family were worried but i didnt notice because i was too intent on you. we were so alike, but there were differences that took their toll on me. i couldnt stand my parents' constant disapproval at your highschool or job status, and it killed me when they kept asking me questions, always feigning a casual tone but i sensed their uneasiness. this kills me to say but i think i was in love with the idea of love. dont get me wrong, i loved you, but maybe not as much as i had thought. i cared about you and i still do, which shows that i feel something for you, i'm just not sure what it is. i just cant be tied down anymore. i have signs of depression and anxiety at a really young age, and i need to just relax. i want to be carefree. in the past few days i have felt so good. i'm really bad at explaining my feelings, but i just want things to be cool between us. i cant stand you being mad or upset with me, and i really dont want to be mad at you. i thought that turning my back on you would make this easier, but i was wrong. i need to be friends with you, and i hope you realize that thats as far as i'm willing to go. i just want you to accept my choice, and if you cant then maybe there cant be anything between us.

break through break down


last night i had a break through. it was exhilerating, in a different sense of the word. a spiritual one, slightly different from the physical/mental bliss i felt, an hour earlier, screaming and singing along to breakdown. though it was similar, as well. maybe one was brought on by the other. the breakdown broke down a wall, a barrier, and led me into a place of my mind i had previously avoided, for fear of second guesses. i was in such a giddy state of mind, that i felt that nothing could impeach it. and i was right. on the long ride home my mind drifted to him on numerous occasions. i remembered the way he held me, the way he kissed me. it sent chills down my spine but i didnt feel a wave of longing or regret after. it was just...nostalgia. it sent electricity through my body, and there was no sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. it felt amazing. and i felt confident that i will have many more of those moments to reminis in the future. it reminded me of one of the songs the Heartbreakers played; End of the Line. an old Wilbury's tune he plays and dedicates it to Roy and George. "Maybe somewhere down the road aways, Youll think of me, and wonder where I am these days. Maybe somewhere down the road when somebody plays...Purple haze.." it felt like Brent was speaking to me, in a non spiteful carefree tone, saying that life goes on and accept it. "Dont have to be ashamed of the car I drive. Im just glad to be here, happy to be alive. It dont matter if youre by my side, I'm satisfied." this felt like something i would tell brent, or myself. and i did, and it really helped. its hard to explain, the way that Tom Petty's music affects me, it just sends waves of carefreeness (that isnt a word, i know.) through me that lasts for days. "we're still riding some kind of high" in my mom's words.

10.8.08

You can call me zimmy

i listened to his music before i went to sleep last night. i put it on shuffle, and it started off with positively 4th street, my personal favorite. i let his words wash over me and it sparked something deep inside. his words spoke with mine, i could feel myself relating to his emotions. his words are so eloquent. and he has such diversity. each of his song is played in an accoustic style, usualy just a guitar, maybe some other instruments, and they usualy sound similar to eachother. but the songs themselves are so different because in each song, he is telling a different story, with a different mood. positively 4th street and like a rolling stone have such cutting lyrics, such raw emotion of hatered and annoyance. there are the revolutionary songs, times they are a changin' hurricane, blowin in the wind, then tambourine man is so psychedelic but you wouldnt have grasped it by the instruments. his words therefore have such power to put the listener in a mood with out the help of trippy sitar, guitar riffs or back up orchestra. he has the mark of a true poet, being able to create sentiments so strong, and unaided by extra fluff. he's raw, he's deep, he's, in my oppinion, the greatest folk singer of the 60's. save Joni Mitchel of course.

going through old clothes


so i'm a little freaked out about this.
how completely freaky.

9.8.08

green light blue light


i feel like punching something but i'm afraid i'll hurt my hand.
i feel like breaking something but i'm too attached to all my shit
i feel like going and breaking something thats not mine but then i'll feel like an ass
i feel like screaming at the top of my lungs but i dont want anyone to hear me
so what do i do?
i go and clean the kitchen.
what is WRONG with me?

boy oh boy, Roy


my father just got off the phone with his sister. it didnt take long for me to realize something was wrong. i could hear it in his voice, the way he tries to keep his emotions under control, fighting back tears. "well its a good thing we went and visited them when we did" he started, feigning a casual tone. "why?" my sister asked. "because my father just had a stroke."
it hasnt hit me yet, though it should have. i dont know why it doesnt bother me. maybe because i have the insane hope that he'll make it? the chances are slim. he's over ninety, weighs less than my sister, and he's been slowly declining for the past year. maybe thats why, because i had come to terms with it earlier? i knew it was an inevitable fact of life? what bolluscks. i know it will hit me soon, maybe when my dad brings it up at dinner, which, i need to eat right now.

8.8.08

stepbrothers

oh i hate this feeling. its a million in one. i feel...annoyed, mad, and that this whole thing is so unfair. but then i feel like i deserve it, because i havent given them reason to trust me. then i fill with frustration at the fact that i did nothing wrong tonight, how ironic! then i get annoyed at how my parents should realise i've broken up with him, i'm not seeing him anymore. i'm not sneaing around or anything. but then i realise how would they know? im so reclusive from them, but i really dont care. i feel like they ask too much of me, and ask too much in general. i cant explain it. i hate feeling this way because it was such a small thing, but it brings up such a larger issue with myself. i really wish i oculd just resolve all my problems. like...i dont know. i'm sick of everything. new deal. i'm gonna try and not lie to my parents. maybe like for a month or something. but...i know that its not worth it because i beat myself up about it later, i live in fear that they'll sniff me out, and they usualy do. it really hurts me and it hurts them and it hurts us and im just so sick of everything. im on the mood to rant but im to annoyed to speak.

im a psychiatrist :)

i just helped my dearest friend open up. apparently i was the only one who ever bothered to try and figure her out, when she couldnt even do it. i feel an insane burst of pride, i must say. i can see why she does this. its good to forget about your problems, if only for a little while. its almost four, i'm so tired, but im feeling damn good right now :)

7.8.08

11:11

its that time again. i find myself wishing for the oddest things. no more "i wish i'll be able to go hereor there", or "i wish i'll have fun doing this or that". its too mundane. no, now its more abstract. i cant find myself asking for him to call, or not to call, because i dont know what i want. i wish for the strength to do what is needed, i wish for this to be the right decision, i wish for myself to be ok with the outcome, whatever it is. they are silly wishes, leaving the end result wide open, making myself feel better about myself. oh i find myself hilarious sometimes. like i am so weak, yet i suprise everyone with my strength. who knows, maybe wishing on 11:11 is the key to my success. how funny that would be. and if it was, i've just jynxed myself, thats for sure.
:) cheers.

im lame today

i'm not sure why all this happens. i took time out from feeling low today. i felt...stunned, taken aback at the things that had happened as of late. it all seemed so surreal. it reminded me of a line from across the universe "who you are defines what you do" i believed max's words to be true, but his father's had more of an impact on me. "what you do defines who you are" how you react to situations sets you up for your mindset all through life. if you get into the habbit of being weak and indulgent, it will determine your personality. and with these words i find...comfort. though i have been thrown into this completely unwelcome heartbreaking ordeal and i want nothing more than to pretend it didnt happen, i feel that however i deal with this will define me as a person. apparently i've managed well so far. i have been told that i have wisdom beyond my years. everyone says i am strong. and though i dont normaly regard myself in such light, it is welcome. everyone wants to be told they're greater than the majority. and though i dont necessarily see myself as greater, i see myself as different. its hard to deffine, but i feel myself to think slightly different than the people around me. i worry too much, i think too much. i am never satisfied with going through life blindly. and now in my given circumstances i have acted differently yet again. an aquaintance, an adviser of sorts told me that she honestly believed that, given my age, i wouldhave given in to the loneliness, that it would have been too much to handle. and she was amazed at my strength and my maturity. part of me despised it, me being so "wise" that it hurt. i left the one i loved because it wasnt good for me. usualy i didnt care about that, but it had become too much for me. and in thinking back, i can see how everyone was amazed i did it. personaly i think myself a fool, but its too late now. and though it hurts now, time will heal this wound, and this act of defiance, though having weakened me now, will make me stronger in the future.

numb

self inflicted
head in hands
her words wont come
thoughts are vacant
ghosts of emotions
she feel her heart beating
she hears the blood rush
all is still, she hears all
feels all
real feeling
in the absense of sentiment
numb to the pain

deviant.

bend me to fit your slanted views
blur me to appease your multiple personalities
dip me in water
chain me to your defenses
paint me up
cut me down
fold me hold me
burn me break me
taunt me
haunt me
leave me with this blackened hole
after all..i am strong.
i can take it.

oh clever.


shake shake


i'm sick of being a teenager. this is supposed to be the most carefree years of my life, full of halfbaked plans, spontinanity and just doing shit for fun. but here i am making huge deals out of everything. great, i'm wise beyond my years, i'm mature and strong. well what if i dont want to be? i'm a teen, i'm supposed to be stupid, immature and indulgent. theres no fun in being this great model of a mind if it doesnt fit. but there's nothing i can do about it so i'm just gonna wait until my body catches up with my mind.

green light across the bay


i feel i am waiting, for something ungraspable. i feel my heart speaks to me in dreams but my head cannot comprehend it's messages.
and in my mood i turn to someone who explains it for me. Joni.

I am on a lonely road and I am travelling travelling. Looking for something, what can it be? Oh I hate you some, I hate you some..I love you some. Oh I love you when I forget about me. I want to be strong I want to laugh along. I want to belong to the living. Alive, alive, I want to get up and jive, I want to wreck my stockings in some juke box dive.
I am on a lonely road and I am traveling...Looking for the key to set me free. Oh the jealousy, the greed is the unraveling, Its the unraveling, And it undoes all the joy that could be. I want to have fun, I want to shine like the sun, I want to be the one that you want to see

6.8.08

sore throats give me flashbacks.



sometimes i feel like i'm only half here. like i have one foot in reality and the other in my mind. i focus on my thoughts and the rest becomes blurred.


today i went to the psychiatrist. i had been wanting a meeting for some time now. i only got ten minutes of her time because it was last minute, taken out of my mom's meeting. i didnt care, anything would help. i needed advice badly.

so i went in, gave her the low down, and she told me that because of my age she expected me to have gotten back together with him. that i wouldnt have been able to deal with the loneliness and i would have given in just so i wouldnt have to be alone. but the fact that i didnt shows that i have wisdom beyond my years. this sparked something in me. i willed myself not to cry. i was so close to giving in. so close it wasnt funny. and a part of me loved what she said but another part felt guilty. i hadnt told her about justin. i was stupid and thought it would make me sound like an ordinary teenager. just a weak crazy teen, which i wanted nothing to do with. i succumbed to the loneliness, i dont know if it was worse or better than if i got back with brent. but i was weak and i just went for it. i still dont know what to make of that night. i dont know if i should tell her or not.


another thing struck me. any other teen would have gotten back with him. so why shouldnt i? because i am strong and wise? am i missing out on my teenager years because i have the mind of a much more mature person? no...she said that this was a crossroads for me. the way i handle this situation will affect the way i handle my life in years to come. i have shown that i'm worth it and she believes thats a really good thing because i have a tendancy to get pushed around.

so much of the stuff she says speaks so deeply to me. its like she is the communicator of my soul. she can say my feelings.

lacklusterskyepod added bignose to their favorites

it makes me feel very good about myself when random people like the stuff i do

5.8.08

you interupted my jam session.

i heard my sister playing guitar. i got excited and decided to join her. with the giddiness of an infant i started offering suggestions of what songs we could play together. i even brought up my guitar book. i had been looking for someone to play killing me softly with ever since i learnt it last week. it had two parts. i sat there playing around with the song, trying to convince her, but she eventualy said "you totaly interupted my jam session." in a mock over serious voice but i knew she didnt want me there. fine. i felt like an idiot at the fact that it upset me as much as it did. i take things to heart to often and i should just tell myself to stop but i cant. i'm just so emotional as of late.

i write to occupy myself

to drown would be so easy.

i sit alone and cold.i go off on a whim, thinking of how i would love his arm around me. but i immediately shy away from the idea. i am not sure why. i have poisoned his memory in an attempt to make this easier. i find myself questioning
what have i done?

i am afraid of myself.
afraid of what i am capable of.
i wonder to what lengths i would go to
in order to do what i feel is right.
i have no concept of the word anymore.
i dont believe in right. i dont believe in anything.
i dont even believe in me.
and i sure dont believe in love.
"love will see us through this"
no.

i have a terrible renching pain in my heart at the thought if it. i feel a burning hatred rising in my chest when i think of things people have told me. Well they give me all kinds of warnings to save me from ruin, i may have just gone with the majority. democracy wins, but i lose. he loses. every now and then i find my mind going back to him. wanting him back. then i stumble in horror and cry out what have i done? i cant go back. things will never be the same. leave it to me to muddle everything up. but there is still a part of me that validates my decision, that leave a whisp of relief in my soul. i was a fool to believe i could just erase everything that reminds me of him. that in distancing myself from him i'd be able to forget him and move on. i have troubles with forgiving and even more with forgetting. and i know no matter what i'd think of him, in times of deep sadness and loneliness. i cant bring myself to describe the way he touched my life. i'll cry if i do and i've wasted too many tears on him. but i cant turn my back on happiness, even if it was tarnished. truth is he made me feel great, most of the time. and i know i cant trust him as i did, i know i cant go back to loving him the way i did, but i cant leave him in the past. chances are i will regret this choice, but i feel i need to do it. i need to talk to him. i need to hear him. because this loneliness is leaving a black hole in my chest and my vital signs may soon flatline...i dont knwo what i'm saying anymore. i need to get out of here.

found on deviant


Think

In a dangerous world
Why are we not aloud to think?
Why can we not think for ourselves?
Why must we suffer?
Do you feel that we are not good enough?
Why do you question?
We people are aloud to think
You cannot control my mind
You cannot control what I think
I am who I am
I think what I think
And maybe thinking is the answer.


©2007-2008 ~sakuraroseblossom

help help i'm being repressed.


this is madness.
is this karma?
is this divine payback
sheer luck?
or should i say misfortune.

i think too much.

lone

bring me peace

is it normal to be this unsure?
is it right to flip flop
from each extreme,
every time thinking it is right?
feeling absolute validity to my actions
only to turn around and have them muddled?
i dont know what is right
maybe there is no right answer
and i will run circles in my mind
never coming to a finite conclusion.
i need to know both sides
i need to feel them
come to know them intimately
before chosing one.
but the more i come to know one
the harder it will be to leave it behind.
and i have defeated the purpose.

4.8.08

i want to have love


i have a fear of putting myself out there. of telling it as it is and letting the chips land as they may. i require a first move by the other party before i make mine. i have a fear of getting hurt. my mental block prevents me from realizing that i should just go for it. i shouldnt care if i get hurt because i may just stumble over something amazing.
i wish i was still a child. i wish i didnt know anything. i wish i just acted on impulse because i didnt know hurt or pain. everything was so carefree.

void


i am not afraid of death. Death will be simple. It is one thing that humans haven't been able to overcomplicate. We've created a sentiment about it that weaves in to the idea of death that makes us fear it, but the physical aspect is the same as it has always been.

simple.

I want to write eloquently simple lines because less is more. Just the back bone, the heartbeat of an idea, typed up on a page, taking up barely any space at all. I'd love to be able to capture a whole whirlwind of sentiments in a few well worded lines.

my found magazine

3.8.08

Language Barriers

my neighbor called the house this morning. in her broken english and heavy greek accent she says that "Abby has gone. out front door. mikos no home." so me and my mother went out to try and find her. i didnt have to go far, i found her in my neighbor's back yard, trapped behind the shed. it took me a while to tell Eva, my neighbor, that i had found her, but once she understood, she invited me in to sit in her kitchen. i had never really been comfortable around Eva. i'm shy and cant keep a convorsation going, and with the language barrier it was even worse. she spoke loudly and i always had the impression she was mad at me, which was never the case, but i was intimidated none the less. but i sat and answered her questions as clearly as possible. she smiled and said "i understand nothing." i smiled back and just sat down. she told was telling me about abby, but i could tell she was flustered and annoyed because she automaticaly turned to fast unintelligable greek. i sat there, trying very hard to understand what she was saying, but it was useless. she looked up at me, seeing if i understood. i nodded slowly but she knew i was lying. "dena kataleva" she said. "dena cataleva" i replied. that was one thing i knew how to say, because my mom said it alot. it meant i dont understand. she asked me if i liked greek coffee and i said yes. she busied herself making me a coffee. she pulled out a loaf of her homemade bread as well. she cut me a thick slice and handed it to me, signaling me to eat. i sat there, nibbling slowly, listening to her talk. she got up to check in my coffee. it was ready so she poured it into a cup and handed it to me. i brought it up to my lips to smell the rich scent. "be carrrful!" i loved the way she rolled her r's. she looked very shocked, she thought i was drinking the fresh coffee. "its hot! be carful!" i smiled "i know, i'm being careful dont worry." so told me to dip the slice of bread in the hot coffee. i did and it was delicious. she started telling me a story, in her broken english. she told me of her grandmother, when she was younger, her and her seven sibblings would visit her mother's mother. times were tough and they didnt have any sweet desserts. her grandmother would say "eva, dip your bread in your coffee." and after her grandmother died she never met anyone who dipped their bread in their coffee. it was a simple story but something in it touched me. here was this old woman, nearly in her eighties, telling me of her childhood as if it was yesterday. and i felt so priviledged that she was sharing this with me. i had finished my bread by the time she was done telling me her story, and the coffee had cooled enough for me to sip it. i had only had greek coffee once before, i had taken an immediate liking to it. you poured the grinds and all into the mug, let it settle, then sip the coffee, leaving the grinds at the bottom. i find myself so fascinated about other cultures. they all have a backbone that is the same from one to another, but there are significant differences. it shows how our environment impacts the way we think. how we bend to it, live around it, within it. i find that i despise this society. we have no respect for our environment. we do with it as we wish and it is screwing us over, to put it bluntly

my brain hurts..

i am shedding my skins of yesterday. i need to rid myself of the internal suffering that clings to my soul. i must forget my past pleasures and pains and start anew. old lies have come undone, i see the uneasiness in their eyes and it burns me. i am starting over. clean slate, square one. i have left this car, and i step into another. i feel hands grabbing me, trying to pull me back. my two selves clash and i am torn. torn between yesterday and tomorrow, what was and what will be. these chains of love and chains of fear have held me too long. i feel their burden on my aching back and i will myself to let go. as the metal slips between my fingers i feel a new fervor. i hold nothing to him. no moth to a flame. and it hurts. this new freedom. have i misused, or used correctly? my head is reeling and i know i have not been myself for the past three days. i have run from my past, from my present. i have tried to conceal the pain and i fear it has worked. but it has brought on a new variation. of unsureness, of constant questionings. that was one thing i did not have in my past. i knew i needn't fear. and remeberances of it bring me back in a rush of memory. snippits fill my mind and it brings me to my knees. i know i cannot return there. i cannot tempt myself with it. and oh the irony. i had wanted to hold on, but he did not. he wanted all or nothin and was given the later. now here i am, wanting nothing at all, only to be given a taste of my own. calling back to me, not giving up. but i have gone. i have cried enough tears but with his voice he calls more up to the surface. but i must be strong. strength. what a curious thing. i do not pretend to understand it. they all tell me i have it. and now i see their truths. i do not know what calls me on to do what i do, what reasonings i have. all i know is i believe that i have a validity to my actions. i see a bigger picture, perhaps? i have stopped kidding myself. i have come to grips with the situation. i realized that i was blind. i tried so hard to make this work because i wanted it to. i was so caught up i did not see the bigger picture. somethings are better left. life moves on, and so must i. i want to remember this as it was at the best of times. i want a clean cut, i do not want to rid myself of this only to be dragged through it again and again. i know it hurts. my heart breaks for you. but although i know this is one of the most unfair events as of yet, i believe that your luck will change. even the losers get lucky sometimes. remember us as we were, know we had something special. accept it, come to terms with what is happening. and if you feel yourself strong enough, maybe, down the road, we can still be friends, as gay and overused as that phrase is. you are a special person. it would be a pitty to lose you completely. but i fear that if i see you too soon i will come to question my decisions though i know they are right. i will want the instant relief, and it will hurt me. please accept my decisions and if you feel you cant, then there cant be anything between us. i'm sorry.