i'm not sure why all this happens. i took time out from feeling low today. i felt...stunned, taken aback at the things that had happened as of late. it all seemed so surreal. it reminded me of a line from across the universe "who you are defines what you do" i believed max's words to be true, but his father's had more of an impact on me. "what you do defines who you are" how you react to situations sets you up for your mindset all through life. if you get into the habbit of being weak and indulgent, it will determine your personality. and with these words i find...comfort. though i have been thrown into this completely unwelcome heartbreaking ordeal and i want nothing more than to pretend it didnt happen, i feel that however i deal with this will define me as a person. apparently i've managed well so far. i have been told that i have wisdom beyond my years. everyone says i am strong. and though i dont normaly regard myself in such light, it is welcome. everyone wants to be told they're greater than the majority. and though i dont necessarily see myself as greater, i see myself as different. its hard to deffine, but i feel myself to think slightly different than the people around me. i worry too much, i think too much. i am never satisfied with going through life blindly. and now in my given circumstances i have acted differently yet again. an aquaintance, an adviser of sorts told me that she honestly believed that, given my age, i wouldhave given in to the loneliness, that it would have been too much to handle. and she was amazed at my strength and my maturity. part of me despised it, me being so "wise" that it hurt. i left the one i loved because it wasnt good for me. usualy i didnt care about that, but it had become too much for me. and in thinking back, i can see how everyone was amazed i did it. personaly i think myself a fool, but its too late now. and though it hurts now, time will heal this wound, and this act of defiance, though having weakened me now, will make me stronger in the future.
Don't give up. I'm only starting to see the gravity of your situation. the extent of your damnation. In short I don't blame you for your frivolous disposition. I blame myself for not being enough to change it. That came out wrong. I can't, nor do I want to, change you. I just wish I was insentive enough to make you wish to change. Or maybe change is non-existant. I want you to grow. You're playing a static and stagnant role whilst I am flourishing and thriving. I know I'm not the same as I was when we were first in love, but the change is amplified relative your inert stance. I've always cared about you, but that too has been altered by the hand of circumstance. I've known countless feelings for you, attachment, love, lust, caring, anguish, concern. I've always felt something for you. Now it's stronger than ever before. No more silly juvenile notions of "love". I care for you like a sister, a mother, a lover, a friend. You say you don...
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