31.7.08

story stile

"nokia called." my father said, completely out of the blue when he was driving me home. "they were wondering how you were liking your phone." i froze. i stared strait ahead, my mind franticaly buzzing, trying to find a way around this. "...kay?" i asked, trying to sound clueless. "the one you bought in october." "i didnt..." i stammered. "so how are you liking your phone?" " i dont have a phone. i dont know what they're talking about." my heart was racing so hard in my chest, my nervousness intensified 5 times by the fact i was not completely sober. i was sure he saw right through my weak attempts at covering my ass. "you're saying you didnt buy a phone?" "ya. i dont have a phone." fuck thankfully i was saved by him asking about brent. it made me laugh inwardly at how brent calling me was more important than a secret phone i had been hiding from them for almost a year. Dads. they're all the same. always thinking every boy is just out for one thing and they'll manipulate poor defenseless girls to get it. poor defenseless girls being me. he never liked brent, and he never missed an opportunity to tell me how i could do so much better. i always shook his words off, regarding them as rubbish. but now i hate how he was right. i was so determined on making our relationship work that i didnt stop to ask if it was really worth it.
my dad pulled in to my garage, still talking about how i need to tell my parents everything that goes on with him because they're concerned. ya, i am too. why did he call me? he was supposed to be in bc. he wouldnt ever pay long distance charges to call me. unless he wasnt in bc. he was still in calgary, he lied about leaving. what a sleaze. i never thought he acctualy left. it just didnt seem like a brent thing to do. i figured it was just a call for attention. it made me sick, the things he'd do. "i'm going to od on crack" oh ya really. great, i hope you're happy leaving your death on my concience. douche.
i kept deep in thought all the way to the house and into my room. i was still buzzing with adrenaline from the close nokia call and from the confusion of the brent deal when i noticed my pillow was kind of moved, as if someone had checked underneath it. shit.. i walked closer. yep, you could see my phone clearly. my parents probably came in here after the phone call to investigate and had found it. that is one thing i hate about my parents. if they find something they dont take it and confront you with it. they'll bring it up casualy and i'd lie because i thought they dont know for sure. it sure got me in a lot of trouble. but i keep lying anyways. thatss one thing i dont like about brent. he made me lie so much to my parents that it almost seems natural. that its easier to lie than to tell the truth. i'm not a very rightious person when it comes to morals. i deffinetly dont have any whatsoever.

30.7.08

oh non.

oh dear. my mother stole both my lighters. even my super sentimental flick your bick one. now one of my fond rememberances of brent is tainted by the harsh smell of cigarette smokes.
WAY TO GO.

28.7.08

lovely.

i dreamt about him again. im pretty sure ive dreamt of him every night since we broke up. last night he said he was back in school. we went to this weird choir dog show concert thing together and i melted in his arms, it felt so good to be there. i remember he kissed me once, just once, a soft brush of the lips but it sent electricity down my spine. somewhere inside me knew this was a dream but the bigger part of me didnt care.
i dont know what i'm trying to tell myself. i know that i miss him and still love him but there's nothing i can do. he's gone. and maybe thats why i'm dreaming of him. i'm not an expert and my vocabulary is being frustratingly small today so i cant elaborate.
all i know is i need another psychiatrist meeting. man its like my drug. it feels so good to open up to someone who knows exactly what to say. i dont even care that its her job to do this, because i sense that she really does care about me. or that i have to pay 100$ per session, because my dad's work covers it.

london bridges

something doesnt feel right. like something has shifted inside and now something that had fit so perfectly is now so wrong. the edges dont line up as they used to. now ther are are holes where they dont meet up.
like an archway and he was my keystone. now that he's really truely gone, the rest of me just caves in on myself. and i'm left a dusty pile of rubble. i let him go because i saw a crack through him. i feared how long it would be until he broke and i'd fall harder. i dont know if i did the right thing. what if it wasnt a fatal crack? just a surface flaw, nothing of consequence and i've fallen for nothing?

25.7.08

i creep nex and steal their pictures

giant pengu



smoosh? darkshine?


i enjoy this music for some reason
its so...fresh?

wicker.

hello to all. i'm in ontario, in a small town of Exeter. i am on my dad's friend's computer because i am desperate. she's very nice to me and my sister and i appreciate her letting us use her computer.
so as most of you know i broke up with my boyfriend. he got incredibly dramatic and it killed me inside. though part of me knew that they were just words of no consequence, but another part was scared of him. scared of his capacity, of his ability to make my life hell. i dont know what he would do and that saddens me. seven months of love and i cant even predict what is truth and what is overexaggeration. i feel like i dont know him at all. i cant predict him, soothe him or abate him. when he gets upset i stand on the sidelines, teary eyed. and because i try and fix everything because i cant stand for people to be upset, i become distraught myself because i am helpless to him. seven months of this, over and over, along with the disapproval of friends and family, the lies and secrets i cant seem to escape, and his flip flopping emotions, these seven months have been incredibly hard on me. i could write millions of parishable words on this subject, god knows i have the emotional baggage to do it, but something is stopping me. perhaps my blissful unawareness, my wish to escape the pain until it settles. if i write and write i will stir up the feelings from the bottom of the pond. muck will rise and cloud my happiness. i know it will bite me in the ass if i ignore it, but at the moment i do not care. i've decided to make a comprimise with myself. i do not express myself through my own words, but through those of songs. i went through my library and found all the songs that relate to my given situation and i put them in a playlist. now i can listen to them and come to terms with my anger, my sadness, and most of all my heartbreak.
here's the list:

All I want- Joni Mitchel
Too much to ask- Avril Lavigne
The Waiting- Tom Petty
Happy Ending- Mika
Babe I'm Gonna Leave You- Led Zeppelin
Hope You Never- Tom Petty
Only Love Can Break Your Heart- Neil Young
Love Is Everything- K.D. Lang
All or Nothin'- Tom Petty
Both sides now- Joni Mitchel
Trippin on my own Tears- Ringo Starr
Love is a Long Road- Tom Petty
Saving us- Serj Tankian
Potential Breakup Song- Aly& A.J
Rhino Skin- Tom Petty
I am a Rock- Simon and Garfunkel
Tomorrow-Avril Lavigne
Only a Broken Heart- Tom Petty

if any one is at all curious to know how i feel, listen to some of these songs. especialy tomorrow by Avril. its uncanny.

23.7.08

you...

you said you'd always be here
you said you'd always care
if i needed someone
you said that you'd be there.
you said you were just a call away
when i need to cry
you said you'd always love me
....was that all a lie?

21.7.08

<

you said you'd always care. was that a lie?
i'm trying to figure out my jambled mind.

au revoir...je pense.


12.15.2007-7.11.2008


Seven months..


not bad.



RG gettogether

"I pump, you slap!"- Krista attempts to make a snappy comeback to Gen's insane demands while pumping up an air mattress. To our dismay, it didn't make the air mattress inflate faster.
"Spray Me!"- Bug spray. Personally skeeters aren't my friend. honestly, this isn't even that funny. What were we smoking when I wrote this down?
"I tried penis!"- Dre, Wow. This is an out of context moment. However, It's hilarious, and for all those who dont know.. cannibalism never tasted so good. ;)
"I'll give you half my boobs!"- Megan finds herself being very charitable towards Gen, regarding bust size. With any luck, we'll balance out to be a B. hooray for charity!
"I've got the skillz to pay the billz"- Yes, Krista, I figured you put zeds at the end of both those. And of course, it was all in Krista's magnificent ability to pump it.. Ow Ow.
"They make you work for your candy!"- Gen apparently doesn't suck as well as everyone else. The pixie stick just didn't want to give her any sugar.
"he was my 3rd longest boyfriend"- Gen was talking about time, but as soon as she said it, realized something else crawled into her mind. Whoops. ((i said 'was' but i meant 'is'))
"I wear the glasses in this relationship"- I know Megan said it, but I wasn't really listening, all I know is that glasses became the main source of interest. More of a 'pant optional' relationship.

you slap i pump.

i had a sleepover at megan's yesterday. it was quite fun and i realized how much i missed just chilling with friends. i spent too much time with brent and i guess some of my friends fell off the wayside. i feel that, although this will kill me temporarily, this needs to be done. i just cant handle a boyfriend anymore. i mean i still love him with all my heart's capacity, and perhaps thats a bad thing. he's more moody then i am. like one moment he's all lovey dovey then i burst his bubble and he's all vicious all of a sudden. its just his way of actingwhen he feels threatened but i dont think he realizes how much it hurts me. m running out of things to say. i gotta go call my parents before they blow a gasket. peace.

20.7.08

joni you've done it again

Oh I hate you some, I hate you some
I love you some
Oh I love you when I forget about me
I want to be strong I want to laugh along
I want to belong to the living
Alive, alive,
I want to get up and jive
I want to wreck my stockings in some juke box dive

19.7.08

relations

This relates to me
Baby you'll come knocking on my front door Same old line you used to use before I said ya... well... what am I supposed to do? I didnt know what I was getting into. So youve had a little trouble in town. Now youre keeping some demons down. Stop draggin my heart around. Its hard to think about what youve wanted, Its hard to think about what youve lost. This doesnt have to be the big get even, This doesnt have to be anything at all

when everything is said and done, you cant go pleasing everyone, so screw it.

imagine brent is saying this to emma. this is how i feel.
She says her love for me could never die, But thatd change if she ever found out about you and i. Oh - but her love is cold. It wouldnt hurt her if she didnt know, cause...When it gets too much I need to feel your touch Im gonna run to you Im gonna run to you Cause when the feelins right Im gonna run all night Im gonna run to youS hes got a heart of gold shed never let me down But youre the one that always turns me on You keep me comin round I know her love is true But its so damn easy makin love to you, I got my mind made up I need to feel your touch. Im gonna run to youYa - Im gonna run to you Cause when the feelins right Im gonna stay all night. Im gonna run to you

this relates to brent.
Like a workin boy, out of luckFallin through the cracksNight rolled in, I turned back homeA hard wind at my backIm out in the cold Body and soul Th eres nowhere to go. Im out in the cold. Well I woke up, My brain was stunned, I could come around,I reached out to grab my keys Tumbled to the ground. I thought of you, Starry eyed I wondered where we stand. Did I just fall from your arms Down into your hands?

j'e ne sais pas.

there are no right decisions. only different ones.
this may be true, but i feel that there are bad decisions.
and its so sad that i needed a psychiatrist meeting
for me to realize that i was about to make one.

i'm finished

i'm sick of getting the raw end of the deal because i cant stand up for myself.
i'm done with caring too much and sacrificing myself in the process.
i'm tired of getting hurt so much because i feel hopeless.
i hate feeling responsible for other people's pain.
i cant keep letting people walk all over me.
i need to care about me for a change
i need to empower myself
i gotta care about me.
and nothing else.
fuck it.

Dr. Dana.

mkay, latest news in the life of andrea. i had a private psyciatrist meeting and i felt all special cuz she told me i made an impression on her, she's been tinking about me quite a bit, and ive only seen her once. and i dunno, apparently im a good person haha. and i have a problem about caring too much, and im ghonna be prone todepression and anxiety and all this stuff, so i told her all aobut brent and she told me that its really important i do whats right for me, and not for others, cuz i have a problem with sacrificing myself cuz i dont wanna upset other ppl and that would be the only reason i would be staying with brent is cuz id feel too bad, cuz im the only good thing in his life and the only person who cares. but i really need to start doing whats right for me. if i stay with him then im telling him its ok for him to treat me with disrespect. and if i leave him im telling him that when he gets something really special he needs to treat it justly, or else he'll lose it. and she believes everything happened for a reason. he came into my life for a reason, to show me like..the good and bad sides of people, and to show me strength and my potential and yada yada. then the phone thing happened for areason to give me a push on doing the right thing. damn this is gonna be hard. uummmm how would i go about breaking up with him? phone's good? i cant do it in person, thats for sure.

17.7.08

figs


today i went to shaganappi grocery store. my mom goes there from time to time to buy fresh figs. i remembered this place from the last time i came, with petra and her family. i remembered that they sold hena here and my mom bought it for me. theres something about stores like that that are just so interesting. we spent half an hour looking around, buying things that we've never heard of before. i got my mom to buy pita and medeteranian cream cheese, because its what Petra eats. ps. i wish there was more pita in my house.

16.7.08

oh mon dieu..

so far for july i have written 32 blogs. thats kinda...alot seeing as its like the middle of the month. wow i have alot on my mind. i dont think i've stopped writing since i got back from my cabin.

venom of a lionfish.

sometimes i catch myself dreaming of simpler times. perhaps it would spare me this insufferable pull on my heartstrings. but then i remember. i get bored easily, to put it simply. to go from this to carefree would be a smack to the face and i'd be completely lost with myself. i dont want to love someone exactly like me in every way. when i'm out and about and i see couples walking, i find myself laughing inwardly. they all look like they could be siblings, if i didnt know better. preps go out with preps, emos with emos, nerds with nerds, pretty people with pretty people. for some reason i think that i am the only person who has broken that trend. me and him are from completely different worlds. perhaps thats a bad thing, perhaps we're too different. but what is love without a bit of excitement? without a goal to get around? love shouldnt be easy peasy. "love is not a victory march, its a cold and its a broken halleluiah" Leonard Cohen is smart, and i have come to trust his words. his love has made me stronger, wiser, more mature. we've grown close to eachother, and i have come to care for him so much that i am willing to give him a second chance. because i have faith in him. i know that whether i like it or not he will change for me, to make this easier for me. for some reason i feel that whatever i chose to do, it will be the right choice. and that is a weird feelings

Dear Mother

sometimes i would just like to tell you to stop poking your nose in my business. sometimes i would just like for you to keep your oppinions to yourself. i wish that you would let me make my own decisions and let me figure things out on my own. i am 17 and yes, still legally in your care, but i am almost 18 and ready to do things for myself. i'm not your baby girl anymore, though sometimes i still wish i was. perhaps you dont think me capable of making good decisions, but i'm sure you would be suprised at how well everyone thinks i am handleing this. perhaps if you would lay off a bit, take a step back, stop thinking your way is the only way, you may be proud of me. i dont know if you realize how hard these past months have been on me. its been one thing after another after another. it would be helpul if perhaps you could not make this any harder on my with your constant questioning and your discreetly demeaning comments. this is my relationship, not yours. maybe you dont trust me enough to make good decisions, God knows i havent given you reason to, and that kills me. but suprisingly, i think i can. i have given up trying to tell you that i am still a virgin. you and father are the only ones who dont believe me. all my friends know me well enough to know that i have my morals and i stick to them no matter what. but i cant stick up for myself, so i just let you guys believe what you wanted. thats the reason i cant answer your endless tirade of questions. i have a mental block, i can only say a few words, if any, and by that point you've moved on to another question. eventually you answer them yourself, i let you think what you want. i dont mean to come off rude or anything like that in my silence, thats just the way i am. and that is why i wrote this letter and put it here, on the offchance you'll read it. because i dont have the courage to say how i really feel, i never have.

do i want to be happy?


cabin down the road


tapioca sunshine

i enjoy listening to bob dylan's radio show.

dear mother

i know you're reading this
:)

roadside




cheese and chocolate.


so here's the dealio...i've decided that if i get back with brent things need to change. i dont know if i'll be able to do it, but i really want to stop lying. like even if it's the little things, but i just hate how lying grows and grows.

urg my brain hurts though. i've had one long day. me and petra kinda planned for me to meet with brent, and i was ok with it, though i wasnt supposed to. i only did it was because in two weeks, his phone would be out of money, and i wouldnt be able to contact him even if i wanted. and if anyone knows me they know i need to be in the loop. i need to know what's going on, i need to know all i can because i hate guessing or wondering. but i told him that "if he loved me he'll wait for me" and he said he would because...he loves me? i was talking with petra and she told me i had become so mature throughout this whole relationship, and i think i see that now. he told me he was going to bc because "there is nothing for me here, my family hates me, the only reason i'm staying is because of you and emma." and yesterday i found out that emma is a bitch, something i've always suspected. she's in bc having a grand old time, doing things she's way too young for, because she's "misunderstood and rebelious." she's just looking for attention and trying to fit in any way she can, and personaly, she's doing a terrible job, but to each his own. i cant tell her off for that, thats not my business. what my business is is when she tells brent all she's doing and he's like...ok? and she tell him she doesnt really care about him when he tried to tell her what was up in his life. and i really hope that he finally sees that i am so much better than her. i told him strait up "thats the difference between us" and he's like "i know" so i couldnt resist. "you should have realized that before. i dont know why it took this to open your eyes" i appologise, but its fun making him squirm like this. i want him to sweat, realize that he fucked up and he's got some serious things to fix if he ever wants me back. and i feel bad because i know he'll do all i ask. he told me he was gonna come here and buy me chocolate, and i told him no, one because i dont want him spending his money, and two cuz i'm not allowed to see him, and i dont wanna lie anymore.

15.7.08

hello, my name is

hello my name is Andrea Hunter. I would have been Andrea Niederauer if i had known how to spell it. i enjoy it when people call me Dre, and to my great amazement people have started doing it. i enjoy old things and i am completely in love with Jesus Christ Superstar. i like clothes, and between new stuff i buy and old stuff my mom gives me, i have officially run out of closet space. i get annoyed when people ask me how i'm doing, just to make convorstation, and i usualy answer with "good" to make them find another topic to fill the awkward silence with. i despise small talk and avoid it at all costs. i'd rather sit in silence then waste energy pretending to be carefree. i try to avoid dumping my problems on my friends but i end up doing it anyway. without my friends i would be lost right now. i enjoy having deep convorations because they get my mind off of the perishable troubles i go through. i have just recently received a stab in the back and and a kick to the heart, but i am glad to say i am recovering quite well, even if i am having troubles. i like to play with matches and lighters, so i guess i am a pyro by definition. i thouroughly enjoy being different, in any way possible. apparently i look exactly like my mom, but i dont see it. i am an avid fan of tea, and have decided that only the extremely cool kids harvest their own, and i am proud to say i am one of those kids. i play too many car games, and my record is one yellow smart car, two yellow, a red and a blue punchbuggie, along with 8 yellow cars, all seen in less than ten minutes. i have a terrible memory and cannot remember what i was about to say. oh yes, the number thirty four follows me around, and i am becoming quite fond of it. only one person would realize this but i have so much to say i made two of these

14.7.08

dear Brent;

Everything happens for a reason...
You came into my life, my boring stupid life. You showed me pain and sadness, but you also showed me love, compassion and caring. You cared about me so much, and I cared about you too. I still care. I care more than you'll know, enough to forgive you for everything you've done. I can’t erase the bad times, but I can’t erase the good times either. No matter how mad I was, when I thought back all I remembered were the good times. And I realized you made my life amazing. And I think I did the same for you. I feel blessed to be a part of your life. I felt like… I somehow helped you, in some obscure way, maybe just by showing you that people care, that this world isn’t all bad. You may think its bad, because you've managed to hurt everyone who's cared for you, but look at me. I’m still here. You’ve made me strong. I’ve learnt a lot about myself in these past six months. You’ve made me realize how good of a person I am. You’ve made me realize how strong I am, and so much more. You touched my life and no matter what happens I will never forget about you. How could I? You were my first love. And what a love it was. Everyone was proud of me, seven months is quite impressive, everyone agrees. I want to think that I’ve made you like yourself more, but I have no way of knowing. I want to think that I’ve given you even a little shred of confidence, that if someone "as amazing as me" will go out with "a hairy ape like you" then maybe there's something you don’t see. I see it, my friends see it. And you know it. I’m getting off topic, I apologise. You’ve made me strong. And Petra told me Strength is not turning your back on them and never looking back. Strength is being able to look them every time you see them knowing what they did to you and still being able to love. I can’t turn my back on you, even if you tried. I will always be here for you, you know that. I care about you, we’ve established that, I know. But what I’m saying is that even though you’ve hurt me, I can’t leave you. I’m too nice of a person to just leave you. I’m being very egotistic in saying this, but if I’m the only person that cares, why leave me? Because you know you’ll hurt me again? You probably will, but that’s life. And if I get hurt, it’s not your fault. It would be mine, because I came back to you knowing the dangers. But I also want you to be happy, and this is where I completely go all contradictory on myself. I feel that I’m not good enough. There’s no reason for you to stay here, just for me. There’s no reason you have to put up with all this crap. You can move away, away from everyone that’s hurt you, and everyone you’ve hurt, and go start over. I have no doubt that you will find someone who cares about you, wherever you go. I am not trying to guilt trip you at all, I’m just expressing myself. Whatever you do will be right for you. If you’re happy I’m happy. And you deserve to be happy, whatever that means. I’ve never been good at ending letters, so I’ll just say remember that I love you.
Love,
Andrea Hunter

where theres smoke there's dessert








i would like to know
how my heart can break again.
i wanted him to go, he's left,
ive called him back,
did he ever return?
now he tells me
he cant take this
he's leaving
after all he's done
after all i've been through
you'd think..i'd be happy?
that i'd had enough and wanted him out
the sooner the better?
somehow that is not so.
he made me a promise
he'd be here for me
and..i wanted to hold him to it.
but i want him to be happy
after all he's done, i want him to be happy.
he lost the one thing that did that;
me.
all he has left is beautiful british columbia
i want him to go. i really do.
i can live with it, it would make it easier
but without his phone, he is lost to me.
i'd have no idea..where he was, how he was doing
if he was dead on the side of the road.
i want to help him. and it will kill me if i cant
it has killed me in the past
because i am helpless.
i am helpless now
as the clock struck 6,
i ran around my house
searching for a phone
i ofund none. we have 5 phones floating around
and they disapear in my time of need.
fucking technology.
i found one, finaly
i called his number. it rang.
twice, then cut the the answering machine.
i left a message, as always,
in my disorganised rambling way.
i hung up...i told him i'd keep calling
he of all people, should know
that when i say i'd keep calling,
i do.
at one time he had no less than 20 missed calls in an hour.
so now here i am. i sit, by the phone...waiting
if he has his phone, then he'd listen to the message
i was never good at calculating, estimating.
i'd call him in 5 minutes, surely that would be enough time.
i smell smoke...fuck the pie, i had made...to ease my mind.

told of a time

i would just like to say
....
my life is the shits.
&&
i would like to stab myself in the uturus
cuz
atleast that would end one of my pains.

is it just me?


who else gets an hour of councelling when they break up with their boyfriend?

13.7.08

my weed garden

today i made a weed garden. cat mint and pansies. i was repotting plants with my mom and i fell in love with a little mint plant, i couldnt rip it out and leave it to wither. so after i had potted three new plants for my mom, i planted my own garden in a little pot. i was very proud of it. it was the first time i had felt an emotional feeling the whole time i was outside with my mom. i went through the actions in a mechanical manner. my mom noted "i can tell you're not enjoying a bit of this" i managed to reply. the first sound i had made the whole time "ya..i am." and it was true. although enjoyment was something of an emotion, and i was curiously void of feelings. it felt odd, my mind was clear. not to say i wasnt thinking, but i was thinking in an oddly perfunctory fashion. but as i sat, shovelling dirt from one pot to another, i found myself feeling in a different way. i found myself grabbing handfuls of dirt and feeling it slip through my fingers. i found myself crumpelling composted leaves into dust, marvelling at the way it felt on my skin. i grabbed handfuls of damp soil, squeezing it, feeling it squelch between my fingers. i was confused. and with the absense of thoughts it was hard to figure it out.

well you know what i am

you told me...the only way you would completely leave my life was if i told you "get the fuck out of my life." and even then you'd call me up in a month to see how i was doing. i'm holding you to that. i know you're upset, why shouldnt you be? in the past few days i have gone from hating you to forgiving you to hating you to forgiving you again. i felt confused and sorry for myself. my friends kept telling me i was strong, and i didnt believe it. i said i took you back, that i caved. petra told me Strength is not turning your back on them and never looking back. Strength is being able to look them every time you see them knowing what they did to you and still being able to love. and that made up my mind for me. i knew that if you left my life completely i wouldnt be very happy, i would always be wondering how you were doing, if you were ok. i'd start to worry. i still care about you. and you know that. and despite all that has happened, i still care. i care enough to still be here for you. there is little chace i will get back together with you. not because i dont love but because i dont trust. but the future is wide open.

12.7.08

strength


Strength is not turning your back on them and never looking back.

sunburst


beauty

human body

sometimes i would like to do something similar to this on a bio exam...only cuz some of the things i learn are sooo pointless.

they're toasted

last time my doctor recomended smoking he looked this toasted too.

RID ME


if only i could do this. rip my brain and all its indecisive thoughts from my skull. rip my heart and all it's painfull feelings from my chest. and i would give my left arm and both my legs to do it.

trains

yesterday, the word fell from beneath my feet. everything i had come to believe in and trust just dissolved away into reality. the way my heart shattered when i read those messages. my mind buzzing trying to comprehend, trying to find a loophole how this could possibly be a fucking joke. and i stared in utter disbelief, something not quite clicking in my brain. but then c-l-i-c-k. and the tears fell forth. in crushing waves, suffocating my lungs, gasping for breath. i scrambled to the phone. i dialed the painfuly long ten digit number and it rang. i was pleading for her to pick up. please....ring...please....ring....PLEASE! hello? fuck. her answering maching. sorry i cant come to the phone right now, please leave me a message! i cant remember if i left one or not, i dont think i did. i kept calling, knowing she was awake and knowing i needed to talk to her. she picked up and i wasted no time telling all, between broken sobs that were so loud they attracted my sister. she knocked on the door, asking if evertything was ok. do i sound ok? i hated those questions. she came in and sat at the foor of my bed as i chucked his phone at her, telling her to read the outbox messages, and i continued to blurt out the story to Petra. she was angry, i had never seen her so. it was a complete...180 degree flip, it was hard to believe, because she really cared about Brent, like a friend. but then i realized. i cared about him too. man, i fucking loved him with all my heart. and here i am, formulating ways to fuckin hurt him as much as possible. this wasnt right. but i didnt care, he fucking deserved it! in time my sobs became manical laughter. the hours dragged on, 2...2:30, and then i heard something. static on the phone. i froze, thinking my mom was on the phone. i looked at it, it said "conference" meaning someone else in my house was on the phone. shit! "petra? look at the time. i know, its really late! im sorry i didnt realize how late it was. i should probably go now. goodnight" oh i hated putting on a cheery facade. i was deffinetly not cheery at this point. i'd have to explain to petra why i left so quickly. i took his phone back from my sister and started texting petra. hey, its here i might as well use it. my sister went back to bed, after giving me a big hug. i texted petra for a bit, then i decided to text emma. this should be fun. she didnt reply, after all it was 3 in the morning.. i held the phone in my hand, and it dawned on me. he has free calling. i'll call petra on his phone. screw his batterly level and turning it off. i called her but i was sketching, thinking my mom was evesdropping, sitting on the stairs listening. by this point i was also exhausted, and petra told me to get some sleep. hah...funny. like i could sleep. though my physical body would have loved to, my psycological was too hyped up, my heart was pumping in adrenaline. i still couldnt believe this was happening. i fell asleep at 5, and had a fitful sleep. i woke up at 7, hungry as hell. i dragged myself to the kitchen and got a granola bar. i took one bite and my stomach lurched in protest. great. i looked at the clock 7:16. mkay, brent said he could come anytime from 7 till 12. i couldnt wait anylonger. i called up ang, my heart pumping faster than before, my body twitching with anxiety. she let brent talk "hey whats up?" so casual, it made me sick. "stuff..." "babe what's up?" he sounded worried. hah he should be. "i'll tell you about it later." "ok..ang needs to get her black berry, i'll be there around 10, k?" fuck why so late? "k" "i love you" thats when i lost it. my emotions were about to get the best of me. i took a deep breath, and tried to steady my voice. "i..love..you too.." "k bye" click. i regretted saying it but if i didnt he would have gotten suspicious. i put the phone down. 10? great. it was 7:19 now. theres no way im going back to sleep. i decided to go on the computer, i can always waste my time there. i stayed on for two hours, writing a huge long paragraph about how much a hated him (see below) and it felt good. i can always let out my feelings with a well worded page of text. so i also checked bus times because he told me ang dropped him off so he could get here faster. (?) the bus came every like..20 minutes, it was 9:23 right now. and i didnt expect him for a while so i kept writing. then i head a knock on the window behind me. i litteraly jumped out of my chair, my heart pumping so goddamned hard i thought it would simply give out any minute. i stood up, my whole body shaking with anger and anxiety, and also because it had been startled, i walked to the front door. i unlocked the first door, then the second, and i saw him there, with 3 baloons in his hand. i stared at them. he noticed my gaze. "you sounded sad on the phone so i brought you baloons." i looked at him in disbelief. baloons wont save you now. "i really have to pee, im gonna run into the alley, meet you in the back yard?" "o-ok.." i was having trouble speaking or functioning properly. i couldnt believe he was here and i coudlnt believe what i was about to do. dont chicken out. you need to tell him how bad he hurt you, and watch him squirm. ok. i can do it. i walked to the back door, on my way i grabbed the Book and a ziplock bag with beads in it. yesterday i had broken his necklace and i felt so bad i was going to fix it. hah fat chance i'll do that now. i sat at the picnic table, shaking uncontrollably, when i heard a psst from the alley. i turned to see him there, and my brain wouldnt function as i tried to figure out why he was there. i was working on auto pilot as i went back to the house, grabbed the keys, went to the garage, opened it, grabbed the key for the back gate, grabbed the book, the beads, his phone and the baloons and went to the alley. "its locked" i managed to say. "i know, i jumped it, i really had to pee" ooh ok got it now. i stepped into the alley, he looked in puzzlement to the book in my hand. "you said you wanted it. im giving it to you." he didnt understand. he tried to hug me, i pushed him away "babe...dont do this to me, dont push me away" he tried again. i held my arm out. "babe, what's wrong?" shit i dont know how to do this...what was i going to say? "i'm sorry.." "for what?" "i shouldnt have done it" "done what?" i kept ignoring him. "i just wanted to know...i didnt think there would be anything there..but there was..." i broke off, i started crying he put his arm around me and i shrugged it off. "babe, what are you talking about?" "your phone..i..i'm sorry. i had to." i think it was dawning on him, but i had to get it out before he interupted again "the messages..the one's you sent to emma. you lied to me. you lied to me" "babe...i'm sorry, i'm so sorry.." i looked him in the eyes. they were red. "sorry doesnt cut it." "i know it doesnt, i'm sorry, i fucked up.." "you think?" i tilted my head back and moaned to the sky. i was crying so hard it hurt. i slumped to the cold cement. he sat down beside me. "dont do this to me, please dont do this." "what am i supposed to do?!" "you havent heard my side of the story. those words dont mean anything, i was drunk, she's fourteen, nothing will happen between us" "thats not what the messages say. you said you didnt fucking care about the age difference. you love her too much." there was no way i would let him talk me out of this. "nothing happened between us" "how do i know?! how the fuck can i trust what your saying? HOW CAN I?!" i was screaming, i coudlnt help it. i was so hurt, and the fact that he was fighting to keep me was making this even more painful. i doubted myself, for the first time.

it would have been

it would have been so easy if i just hated him
it would have been so easy if i wasnt so emotional
it would have been so easy if i didnt listen to his side
it would have been so easy if i hadnt let him touch me
it would have been so easy if i had stuck to my gameplan
it would have been so easy if i hadnt started crying so hard
it would have been so easy if i could stand behind my decisions
it would have been so easy if i...what? if i didnt have a heart?
this isnt supposed to be easy.

11.7.08

one minute

this....explains quite a bit for me. this is me. one minute...its good..and the next its all bad. and sometimes people need out. i want out. and i really....cant think about your feelings right now. i can only think about mine, because frankly, thats all what matters, in this given situation.

found.


i quote petra. i am uncomfortable in my comfort

go big.




expired words

when you're not around i get a little worried that you dont love me and your gonna leave me but when im with you its a different story i feel like i will never lose you and you wull be with you for lofe and i hope you will. i know im not perfect or perfect looking but i hope you can see pst my flaws..iget really self concious when im alone its thist the way i am. i love how shy you are and i want to break your shyness..but at the same time i dont want you to because im afraid you will find someone better. its happened before and i worry that it will happen again.

it started as a crush and then she called i was like this is my chance i cant fuck this up and the more i got to know her the more i realized we had a lot in common..she keeps saying this is all new to her but what she doesnt realize that its pretty new to me, i mean i have never felt this strongly for anyone else. i mean iwas gonna propose but i gave her a promis ring instead. she means the world to me i hope i never lose her.

omg las night i had the worst dream..i was chillin with lain when i had an image flash in and out of my head it was dre wutg a giant wound in the center of her head then my cell rang i amswered and it was dre's parents she said dre was in an accident and she wasnt going to make it so i stole my mom's van and raced to the hospital. before i went in the doctor said that she cannot hear me and is unable to respond but i knew she would know i was there so i went in and my heart broke when i saw her there. i slowly approached her and sat beside her. i grabbed her hanf and told her that im glad it was her and not me. i started to cry..because this way you dont have to feel the pain i'm in. she smiled and squeezed my hand then flat lined. the doctors came runing in and pushed me aside and surrounded her. then i woke up.

9.7.08

oil paints



my first attempt at oil painting. i was in advanced art, and never once did i stray away from my acrilics. sometimes i wish i hadnt, but then again i would have made a fool of myself with my complete ignorance to the ways of oil painting. first off, i didnt have any paint thinner or linseed oil. i decided to use canola oil, and it acctualy worked pretty well, until the wind blew over everything when i was at my neighbor's. yes, i decided to work outside, because it was so beautiful out. it was a good idea, until the wend came rushing in as if it was seeking revenge. i secured my newsprint with rocks, i had a can of water (my mom's idea, it proved useless, of course) my few paintbrushes, quite a sad collection. turns out i left my favorite brush up at my cabin. well shit. so i had one big prickly old brush, and a few smaller cheap ones. a few minutes in i hadnt a clue how toget the black of my brush, so i started using the smaller brushes to apply the yellow. well that proved painstaking so i abbandoned it and went to turn on some serj tankian so i could scream along and release my frustration. i decided to search oil paints, and i found out something about oil, and im like...canola oil! and it worked, though im sure paint thinner would have been better. i soon found out the oil could be used to dilute the paint, something that was mad handy, because knowing me i hate to waste paint, i apply it thinly as possible, afraid to leave thick layers. this gives a hazy muted kind of look, but i like it. ive always admired the bold colors, that dont seem to blend, they're just there on the canvas, and it makes a beautiful picture. like my uncle's work. there's a poppy he painted hanging up in my grandparents house, and i admire it everytime i see it. his style is different than mine, but i cant help wishing i could paint like that. i decided i would attempt his way on this painting, but my tubes of paint are so small im afraid to use them. all in all, ive come up with this so far, i am waiting for the paint to dry for me to attempt the details.

cranes

exponential expansion

peter hope


this is my home. my place of tranquility, untouched magnificence. thrilling and relaxing all at once. a place...far away. from everything, everyone. the sound of waves lapping on the shore, the sound of a humming bird's wing as it settles down on the feeder. thousands of unseen insects, buzzing, creating an endless backbeat, surrounding me if i take the time to listen. the smell of rich sweet pine, floating in off the surface of the lake on a warm breeze. i turn my face to the wind and everytime is different. i smelt once, perhaps imaginary, but the smell of ocean brine. i smelt the fresh pure air, i smelt earth i smelt sky. and then....now i turn to the greatest sense of all, that of sight. the blue sky, endless, the lake, shimmering with the sun, the bright lime green of the sand beneath the surface, fading into a deep turquoise. the forests, millions of greens, no boundaries, stretching on and on into darkness. the sunset. the masterpeice.

psychological

here i am, again. second session, another hundred dollars spent another hour i'll never get back, another cry. what has come from it? what do we have to show? nothing new, just the same whole shibang twice over. great, we're a nice family. im glad. and we know what the problem is, but how do we solve it? or do you think us capable of such a measly task, because this whole thing is a joke? personally, i think its a joke. great, we've got problems, who doesnt? why do we go to someone who makes a profit off other people's problems?

8.7.08

tidbits snippits




what would you like for breakfast? a miracle. reading seeing, hearing their words, filling me up on my absence, so short in real time. life goes on within me and without me. young people speaking their minds, and everything else in sight. oh the eloquence, almost painful to behold, this young thinkers club, alternative and subcultured. me and my mainstream mind. whitewashed, acid washed, faded black and blue. peeling paint off old worn shoes, reminders of younger times, twisting through my fingers, gone to the current. grey matter, grey area tiptoeing between extremes. come and gone my feelings, so strung up and strong. intoxicating, sobering, making me feel nautious. my head is reeling, churning before the sea of sentiment. unanswered questions left on the broken shores of yesterday. i am lost at ocean. lost

in forever. signing out for now.

the grass feels softer

i'm back.