31.7.09

flourish

It's silly. I'm silly. I hate it but I'd rather hate her. I hate that I want to so I hate myself instead.
Problem solved.

30.7.09

Close Encounters

An ultimate decision of everlasting sacrifices.
walking walking, one two three across these barren lands.
check it out, these dirtied hands, picking dust from everywhere.
I lose myself in each step I take,
leaving behind footsteps sodden in lost feelings
the water pipe will break soon, I can hear it.
Does it matter? matter, mind. master mind.
I'm drowning here, in insignificant events
unimportant, unenlightening,
it seems that all is a circle, no ending.
Pulling me back when I thought I'd gone so far.
It's a sad truth, my sad truth.
one of them, at least.
My fashioned reality is an adverse one,
my own mind is out to get me.
..It seems.
Pull the veil, shed this outer skin,
calloused from countless close encounters
wrong turns down dark alleys leading nowhere but your own demise.
A mental escapade,
we've made this world an escamotage,
using big words, disguising frail desperation.
Deception runs wild as the depression runs deep.
Losing hope like water through fingers.
Yet I know that around each corner is a new chance.
A new opportunity to change everything around.
It's up to us to realize it.
ReCreation

25.7.09

I wish I could


I'm a moon person too. But I'm too caught up in my petty securities and routines to wander the streets at night

17.7.09

I can't contain myself

The same emotion is rendered every time, a feeling of subtle panic, of hopelessness. Maybe it's only confusion. How can they all be content in their situation? It all looks so hopeless. Yet they put on a facade of indifference, a tough outer layer. I have no desire to crack it, to glimpse the vulnerable inner layers, it doesn't concern me. so i remain transfixed by the hard surface, wondering, but never wanting to know. Everyone's so engrossed in their own lives, bundled in their inner layers, where it's warm and familiar. I'm not comfortable there. I'm despondent, standing in a hallway. Everyone has found a room, a place of solace, yet I am hesitant. My feet are rooted through the hardwood in a callow lack of confidence, merely a feeling of jejune aversion yet it has grown so thick in my soul that the emotion is all I know, all I am comfortable with. I'm sabotaging myself, my mind body and soul. The winds of time are eroding me. I am a hollow vessel, waiting to be filled but hesitant to losing myself. Afraid of failure, of inadequacy. I'm insipid and inept. All my life I've depended on others, was never shown responsibility, trust or freedom. Now everyone is depending on me, for varied reasons. This I can handle. But now I'm forced to depend on myself, there's no one to help me anymore. I've entered a whole new room, and the door has shut behind me.
I don't want you to see me like this. I don't want to be weak for you.
It's not your problem, you don't need another one on your back.
I don't want to worry you. I just want to be here for you.
Be everything you want of me, help you out.
I know you need me, I know you want me.
And it's been so long, I need to help you.
I need to be here for you. For myself.
I WANT TO SCREAM AND RIP EVERYTHING APART

16.7.09

recipe cuz i was bored this morning

une nouvelle recette.
1 tbsp oil in small pot, fry 2 tbsp chopped onion till translucent, crack one egg in, stir. add 1/2 cup cooked rice, a dash of chili powder, garlic powder and sage, continue stirring until egg is fully cooked, add salt and pepper. eat with pita or french bread.

11.7.09

Don't go around breaking young girls' hearts

When I thought that we were through
thought that you
would surely sky-rocket
away and I'd watch you fly.
And when I thought I was losing you,
there you were,
slipping a tarnished ring in my pocket,
staring into my eyes.
whatever will I do?

No one wants to be defeated

I have this emptiness in me, this void deep down that i have tried to fill with anything i could, but nothing seems to last. I've filled it, first, with the love of The Beatles, which seemed to work, but eventually faded with new distractions. I've filled it with the friendship, love and lust I've felt for hundreds of people, but in the end everyone leaves and takes the feelings with them. I tried to fill it with the arts, with painting and poetry, but always my standards were too high and I was filled with a seering feeling of failure when I couldn't reach them. Through time everything helped momentarily but everything would fade. Now I know why. The gap, the void in me, was a space reserved for self-love. Time and time again people have told me they loved me, they admired me, they thought I was incredible, selfless, sacrificing. I was so selfless and sacrificing, always putting others before me, that I disregarded myself. I hardly knew myself, and I could not love what I did not know. It didn't seem important, to think about myself, but because I didn't, I couln't understand it when other people thought of me. When they cared about me, when they loved me. I couldn't comprehend what they saw in me, what made me so incredible. I couldn't see it, so I couldn't believe it. So the lack of love flourished, and in its place left and empty hole that i tried fruitlessly to fill, not knowing how. But now I'm on my way to changing that.