29.1.10

deds to shane koyczan

Listening to the speedway words, a thousand amazing metaphors spewing forth at a speed faster than my own formulations, attempting to find inspiration in your recitations but all I find is frustration because your creations are more than I could ever create. And though your rhythm is stuck in my mind, it's too small, too confined, the words get backed up, I've got too slow of a flow rate.
You seem so in tune with everything that's wrong with this world, and turning every emotion into a slew of words more beautiful than anything you can mass produce, you break loose from the abuse of this modern society, with no variety, Britney spears on MTV, singing if you seek Amy...while thousands suffer in Haiti, as we wander blindly, the city's heart beats unkindly beneath the gold plated streets, the vileness hidden behind thin sheets, hiding the intolerance and the moral defeats behind a veil, so frail, but well crafted in every detail. And this blindfold, wrapped neatly, indiscreetly around everyone's eyes, makes it easy to drown out those cries, to ignore every time a child in Africa dies, we're all so immune, so desensitized. Fed on a diet of lies from the fat cats, making life materialized, selling us everything, from basic supplies to fast cars and big TVs, to destruction and disease to the latest technologies. This life is so screwed, our priorities are skewed, but everyone acts so calm, so subdued, living happily in the life we've construed. Based on the almighty dollar, Armani suits, white collar, briefcases and leather shoes, we all know the who's who, follow the 9 o'clock news, but we never really listen, we must never really see, what's really going on on our 30" plasma screen TV.

Owner of a broken heart, much better than an owner of a lonely heart

Is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? This question has been asked so many times, by poets and cynics alike. Often there will be two groups with very different opinions which are based on their past experiences. For someone disillusioned by the subject of love, it is more than likely that they’ve had unfavourable experiences influencing their opinion. Broken hearts are quick to judge, hesitant to continue on that path of love because of a bump in the road. But in pulling off to the side and cutting their trip short they’ve put a premature end to all the things they could have experienced. We as people grow from the situations we are placed in based on our reactions to said situations. When placed into the circumstance of love, if we risk the broken hearts we have the opportunity to grow so much more than if we take the safe way out.

The cynics who’ve been hurt and broken by love’s throes would disagree. They are perfectly content, living in peaceful oblivion, safe from the danger of such a fallacious emotion as this. They portray love as a cunning enemy, luring them in like a siren’s call, releasing its havoc on its unsuspecting victims; a ticking time bomb that could explode at any moment, destroying the foundations meticulously built from a million dreams and memories. Why put so much effort into such an erratic situation? Heartbreak is surely inescapable and when it’s all said and done we’d come out the other end less of a person, having invested so much of ourselves only to lose it all. But what they don’t realize is in remaining a closed system for fear of loss, they’re really preventing gain.

Not having loved, we miss out on a whole new world, a whole new bond created with someone. And, illuminated in the glow of love’s light, we discover bits and pieces of ourselves that were hidden in the darkness of solitude. We become a more complete person. In the end, even if we’re left broken, incomplete, having given half our hearts away, we’ve still gained so much understanding. We’ve gained knowledge, not only about ourselves, but about the world around us. In life there are two choices: To take the treacherous mountain path or the safe and gentle valley trail. The mountainous road is for the adventurous and strong willed, for those who don’t mind danger when there’s a suitable reward. Once we’ve overcome the steep hills and the dangerous precipices, expended energy in climbing steep cliffs, risking a thousand ways to fall, all the effort is worth it on account of the view. As we stand on the peak of happiness, the world stretches out below us and we have been given a whole new perspective of life, with views never seen by those who were taken in by the safety of the valley path.

I believe that love is such a valuable and multifaceted emotion that everyone should experience it at one point in time. By that token you could say "Well, you're only so positive because you're obviously in love" And you'd only be half right. It's of no importance whether I am in love or not, my opinions are based on the past as well as the present, and engrained with a hope for the future. Being a poet I have works spanning over the years, spanning through many a good time as well as many a bad time. In my repertoire of poems you'll find both cynical and romantic outlooks on this subject, depending on where I stood, relationship-wise. But having looked at love from both sides now, I don't regret a thing. Although I've been burnt by love I wouldn't wish the sun to disappear because of a sunburn, because it sheds such a wondrous light, without it I'd be unaware of so much. Eventually the burn will turn into a tan; the pain from a broken heart will grow into strength and wisdom. We all grow through adversity, becoming stronger people because of it.

In conclusion, it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved before. Because though by having lost the love we feel emptier than we did before it started, the truth is we’ve gained an incredible amount. We’ve gained a whole new perspective, a whole new outlook on the relationships we share. But there are still those who refuse, unable to let the muck of heartbreak to settle to the bottom of the clear pool or understanding. I hope for their sake they realize that even if, in the end, the love is lost, it doesn’t mean that hope is too.

25.1.10

mmm


mhmm. So happy. Don't my eyes say it all?

24.1.10

and I need you now....

We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us.

This quote blew my mind, and just stirred up all the muck that is modern society from the bottom of the clear pool that is this world. 9-5, in out in out, clocking in, zoning out. working endless dead end jobs to scrape by with the measly slips of paper they (and who are they, anyways?) give us in return for being the hamsters in the wheel, the rowers in a slave ship making their slow progression to nowhere.

I am so disillusioned with our society. It may be in part by my disappointment in myself at my stupid mistakes made in university. Life just seems so difficult at times, and I feel stuck in an uncomfortable limbo, knowing I've made a mistake but having to wait a month to right it. I'm so hard on myself. I always challenge myself, probably because if I fail I still know I succeeded more than other people I know. But I've set my self up for surmisable failure. I'm putting the pressure of so much weight onto my shoulders, which already hurt so much. I always set these goals but get distracted or tired and never fulfill them. Last year my plan was to force myself through the pain of a bachelor of science degree, then to relax once it's over. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm a little ways into my second semester and I feel godawful. I was unsure of my decision for the first time yesterday. People go to university for what they love. I love the arts, and I love nature. I've been discouraged from the arts so I thought it would be cool to do sciences. Learn about the earth. But I have to put up with calculus chemistry and physics before I can get to anything interesting. and who's to say it will even be interesting? I am filling my head with so much information that will never be retained. My strained mind is a sieve, only holding onto the big concepts, the ones that hold on to the tissues of my brain with ropes of enticement and strong emotion. If only the butterflies I get could count for credits, if that rush of elation I feel at his closeness could go on my resume, if only. If only, if only.

I'm at such a loss. I'm afraid of how much you've become a part of me. Sometimes I almost forget. I take it for granted, built up an immunity to the amazement of the situation. But when I'm next to you I never want to leave. You make me feel beautiful. You make me believe. I want you like nothing else. It scares me to think what would have happened in my life if I'd decided to just go to krista's new year's party. Where I would be right now.

We all want to believe in meant-to-be,
to make sense of life's difficulty,
to add meaning to calamity.
to decipher the chaotic mess
soothe the uncertainty and distress
believing there's a secret for success.
or that it's all just fate,
that there's such thing as a soul-mate
and that it will all turn out great,
that our life's already all planned,
because it makes life easier to understand.

17.1.10

rusted from the elbow to the finger

it's a battle of two noises.
Each one moving up in scale to be seen above the other
trying to drown the other out.
until they're both s loud as they can go
and no one has won.
All that's left is aching eardrums,
no more room for thoughts
no where to run to find that silence.

I dreamt we were all going to die.
And I was the only one who knew.
I was so afraid, in the beginning,
but near the end I'd come to grips with it.
There's freedom in acceptance.

I don't know what I'm saying anymore.
I'm in one of those moods.
you’re somethin special babe.
Lets run in reckless abandon to somewhere.
Make the snow melt and bring the sunshine back.
Bring warmth back into my bones.
Do you know what I’m afraid of?
Of placing too much faith in you.
Of forgetting what makes me happy without regards to you.
Of giving you my heart and feeling odd and empty again.
I always fall too hard, to fast.
But I can’t shake the feeling that this is something different.
A Fresh of breath air

16.1.10

It's only been two weeks but;

You make time disappear.
Making the hours fall and the seconds evaporate.
Disintegrating these chains, this trepidation is crumbling,
leaving in its path lucid calmness.
Your skin shines nakedly
liquid bliss in your eyes
and heat beneath fingertips.
You've taken my inhibitions off the shelf
tore out the pages and burned them with your smile
and I am ripped clean,
washed in the smoke that makes everything clear
washed in the pool of your love.
Shedding the grime of the past,
soothing the wounds of yesterday
anointed with your touch.
We mix perfectly in acquiescent currents
green and golden coming together
I'm caught in the oscillating whirlpool beneath your veins
entangled with your every move
Lovely and beautifully.
when I am with you I never want to leave.
I could live on the sustanance of your laugh
I found and island in your eyes
country in your arms.
where I could live athousand years

This shirt sums up my new year's resolution; to have a perfect balance. :P

14.1.10


I'm in an awful mood.
School is depressing me, I'm only 8 days in
All I want is to see your smile again.

I decided to reread all my blogs. bad idea.

I hate how I want you, long for you to be near,
when you're with me I'm excstatic but I hurt when you're not here.
you're like a drug; I'm addicted, you alter my mind.
not illegal, but still of the deadliest kind.

This is old. But if fits with the drug theme of the song I'd tried to write. He was a different drug. He was my heroine, my cocaine. You're some new type of drug. like chocolate, or music. He was caffeine and you are matcha. Such a subtle relaxed high, with no withdrawal. There's no track marked love on my arms, only a flush in my cheeks and a smile on my lips.

It's not in love that we are made

But in Love we disappear.

I can't finish that song. The rhythm isn't right. I have no structure anymore. This is where sea and sky meet. In a holy joining of ended worlds.


I am the water. Able to take the shape of any mould I choose, Having no real shape but only that which my surroundings provide. I can live everywhere. Invisibly in heat, harshly in winter, but beautifully in the middle. Wonderfully when I can stretch out, lying between earth and air, in indescribable quantities. There is so much going on beneath these layers but often it is unseen; hidden beneath a rippled surface, dazzled by cut fire of the sun, moved by running air. I move effortlessly, I am staying still in one place yet I am everywhere in my path, the future and the past. Beautiful in my delicacy when I am calm, beautiful in my fierceness in the wake of a sudden storm.

13.1.10

Write one leaf about holding hands.

(via writeoneleaf)

Your hand,
calluced guitar-string worn fingers
-so warm and safe-
finds mine,
-so small and soft and timid-
so easily.
The way your fingers lace within mine,
how your thumb strums the back of my hand
as though I was your instrument
singing a simple song of happiness
in absent minded thought.
One day we’ll find the lyrics

12.1.10

White gold

I was always in search for some silly recognition.
digging deep to their inner crevices
hoping I'd be discovered as "amazing"
So I could see myself as beautiful
only if they thought so too.
It was a complicated web of vicious circles
Leaving me nauseated and disoriented
but the habit had formed, running tracks in my mind.
Yet suddenly the wheel has stopped spinning.
And in wake of my new calmness,
the mud has settled
and there's a new world to discover.
Take my hand and come with me?
I am simple when I'm with you.
And my waters are still.
I've been pulled from shore to shore
by the tides of infatuation and emptiness,
my toes barely grazing the sands of safety.
never allowing myself to be rooted in one place,
for fear of upheaval in the end.
But now I find myself on the warm beaches,
I've been washed up on an island
lazing with my feet planted in the white sand
I've found myself with a new and wondrous world to explore
Take my hand and walk with me?

9.1.10


You have the music at your fingertips
and I have the words on my tongue.
Let's make something beautiful.
We are always searching for the moments that leave us speechless.
Those times when words escape us and in their place is only raw emotion.
Your eyes speak with more words that language holds.
And I should revel in those feelings,
in their rawest forms, and embrace the silence.
But this is where I'm always hoping to find the words.
Universal sentiments are not made real with phrases
but the other way round.
My tired sentences search for new light.
And when I put the lyrics to this soundtrack,
capturing this energy,
my words are revived and revitalised
for they are filled with you
With that look in your eyes.


We exist in perfect balance.
No longer afraid of the incongruity of the past.
Your eyes mirror my mind.
No longer living an effigy,
this is the real thing.
What makes me act is not an obligation
Not selfish and not obscured by my insecurities.
My head is no longer controlling my movements
I am pulled forward with a naked desire to be with you.
Simply and beautifully.
My heart at the wheel and my head in tow
not objecting nor guiding me.

we are two lone souls in the wounded dark.
with clouded breath and goosebumps,
irised magnets of intrigue
pulling the seams in tight.
and when the edges meet up
the closeness makes my head spin.

When I am with you I want to stay with you
just to be with you.
When I kiss you I want to stay kissing you.
but when the kiss ends, I'm not left longing for it.
This physical and emotional satisfaction in perfect balance,
This is something I have never experienced.
You take my breath away.
You steel my ability to use words in elloquence.
But when the words return they're better than before
And I have a new appreciation for them.

Je t'aime, tellement.
Je t'aime, tout simplement.


5.1.10

The new year is littered with silly words strait from the part of my brain you've squarely targeted. You're in my blood like holy wine. Making me stumbly and silly. Under your influence. I apologize.
This is what I tend to do when I have nothing else to occupy myself with.

sing you like the dawn sings the sunrise

you fill my pores with an incomprehensible feeling.
This is too quick isn't it..
It's the shivers of a new feeling
slipping into the comfort of your smile.

I've been afraid of eyes all along
they'd look at me with emotions I couldn't mirror back.
I hid from them feeling invisible If I looked away
feeling safe.
the searchlights in their pupils boring into the emptiness in mine.
I squirmed like a frog on a disection table
crawled away from it all
feeling like a stranger in a strange land.
But your eyes allure me.
beckoning with some strange magic.
But it did not feel magical.
It felt real.
And I felt undressed with your eyes
not violated,
remaining fully clothed,
you peeled off the layers of false securities.
A pureness, amazement,
oh I wish I could write better
It's nothing too incredible.
I said I wouldn't do this.
And here I go.

"..I'm sure that one day
true love will come my way
and i can put all this cynicism behind.
But if that day comes
you wont see me become
another flowery love-struck youth.
Proclaiming my love
from the rooftops above
such behavior to me seems uncouth..."

The rooftops are too high and slippery
covered in a veil of winter's frozen tears.
And though I feel something,
intangible and irresolute,
incomprehensible and beautiful,
for you at this time and hour
I won't risk climbing all the way up there.
I wont make any presumptions.
No assumptions and no predictions.
I take each day as it comes
but waking with a smile to the thought of you.
My goal this year is to be a better writer
to be able to successfully write about this queer emotion
Which we call "love".
With no cliches and tired phrases
I want to be the Shakespeare in response to Petrarch.

Show me the emotion and I'll channel the words.

4.1.10

New year.
another mile in this endless road of time, mindlessly winding.
The promise of a 'new start' is fashioned from disillusioned hearts.
Feeble minds need the push of fresh beginnings.
I never made any resolutions,
no losing those last 5 pounds,
no eating better,
nothing.
Yet something has been handed to me an a silver fucking platter.
uncannily, easily, perfectly.
I'm still wrapping my head around it all.
My best friend moved away,
but in her place they left an amazing person
[though no one can replace by p-tree]

I'm going to learn from this.
Take life in all it's love and glory
and take nothing for granted.
New people are everywhere
waiting to change your life.
You just gotta open your eyes.
Open your mind.
and that's my 'new year's resolution'

can I just have one more moon dance with you?

I had no reason to be over optimistic,
but somehow in your smile I could brave bad weather


How does this sort of thing happen? It's the sort of event that makes you believe in miracles. If I thought there was a God, that there was fate and all that lovely mush, I'd be inclined to think this has been set up divinely. But I don't, so it must all be serendipity, if you believe in that either. I don't know what I believe in, only that I want to believe in this. In you.

3.1.10

a follow up for allion

We hung out, had a few awkward silent moments cuz we're both really shy and shit,
then we went our seperate ways. Mr vincent is pretty cool, but only a friend. Plus he was hot for my other friend, but everyone loves Petra. :P

1.1.10

I want to thank you, for everything you've done

The cut of your jawbone
the scratch of stubble on my finger tips
the wild look in that smile of yours
genuine feeling.
And how did this happen?
Please don't let it end.
You had a look of completion
of an incomprehensible blissfulness
and a thirst behind your gorgeous eyes
You told me I was beautiful
and somehow I believed you.
Please let there be something to this.
Something with enough substance
to last in sobriety
and not only in a drunken-new-years-daze.