30.10.11

I’m walking around like a haemophiliac in a knife shop. One slip and it could end badly, the tears will never stop. I can’t clot my emotions and let them dry up and fall away. They stay with me, seeping deeper until they poison my bloodstream. And I wish I could scream, convert the pain into sound instead of drowning in the sorrow. I’ll be fine by tomorrow, I know, but right now I’m bleeding. Reeling on an ocean of emotion and the storm isn’t slowing.

chakra test

your Root Chakra is CLOSED you tend to get stuck in an unfulfilling and unrewarding career, and you never seem to have enough money, which leaves you worried and in debt. Spending money is a harrowing experience for you, as you doubt your ability to budget effectively. You suffer from weight or body issues, which leave you feeling unworthy and uncomfortable in your own skin.

your Sacral Chakra is STRONG, you see sex in a positive light, as a glorious, pleasurable and healthy activity. You enjoy passionate, frequent and long-lasting sex with your partner. Orgasms are mind-blowing, and you and your partner often orgasm at the same moment. You make time to have sex at least a few times a week, even if you've been married or attached to the same person for years. You are always able to attract the right partners; compatible people who nourish you, fill you with joy and make you a better person.


your Personal Power Chakra is CLOSED. you tend to struggle with self-esteem issues, and feelings of unworthiness. You tend to question yourself when faced with important decisions like whether to move to another city, change your career, get married to your partner or to have children. You feel like a victim in the world, and often feel powerless to circumstances and other people's desires. You may also suffer from frequent stomach pains and stomach anxiety.

your Heart Chakra is STRONG, you enjoy comfortable, loving and empathic relationships at home, at work and in your community. You get along with your family. Your friends see you as a reliable person. At work, you're known as the one people can talk to. You feel a heartfelt sense of gratitude for how wonderful your life is, and feel compassion for all around you.

your Throat Chakra is CLOSED, you constantly feel like nobody cares about your opinions, and that you have nothing of value to say. You're likely to be known as the 'quiet one' in your professional and social circles, and you frequently settle with following other people's opinions. You often suffer from a blocked and sore throat.

Iyour Intuitive Chakra is WEAK, you have the tendency to feel helpless or lost when faced with decisions and judgment calls. You are indecisive, uncommitted and unconfident of the decisions you end up making, because you have a history of making the wrong ones. You feel spiritually lost, and your true purpose is unclear to you. You often get headaches and feel tension in your brow area.

your Crown Chakra is WEAK, you tend to feel little or no connection to a higher power, and always feel alone. You feel unworthy of spiritual help, and perhaps even angry that your higher power has abandoned you. You often suffer from migraines and tension headaches.

16.10.11

Found this today, snooping places I shouldn't, because it is like quicksand. Your blogs freeze moments, emotions in static time, I can read them, and like a photograph, be back in that time and place. Back to those feelings of guilt, the pain and the confusion for both of us. Life went on in a seemingly different universe. Parallel to everything now, slightly overlapping, and yet forever away. And since it's so close but so far, it's always there, a shadow over my shoulder, but I can't grasp it, rip it up and destroy it. it is like the air I breathe. For as long as I live I am breathing the same air as you. And you are always there. intangible but always fucking present. I can almost recognize your face in my clouded exhales.

Indian Giver (I turned my back)
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Today at 12:00am
You are a shadow now. And I can't conjure the image that was printed on my eyelids after each breath between us. The words I draw are heavy and reluctant, hanging onto the tissues of my mind with tiny frozen fingers. I feel I need to put you to phrases. But I've thrown all my effort into forgetting it all. Pushed my shoulder against the door to keep your memory out. Put the blinders made of distance up because I didn't want to hurt. I didn't need to see the destruction lain in my wake, the razor blades of silence, pins and needles of new love. You're numb and alone and So thick in my dust as I sped off that I don't see you. Because I turned my back. Out of sight, out of my mind, but I know I sit in yours, fermenting, stewing in God knows what. And I've rooted a poison in you. because I turned my back. And I tore you down, I ripped you up and sent you to the wind. And I have searched for those fragments but the time as snatched them away from me and it served me right. Because I turned my back, and the world went on behind it. I didn't want the problems of another clamoring in my head, trying to prevent the premature death of my found soft silence. I turned away from each piercing smile each sodden tear each silly word written on paper and sent to you. I took away those promises of forever and the poems of true love. Obsolete ideas, I paid them no mind, they held no weight. Turned away from the safety in your arms, hidden in the eye of the storm as hell broke loose around us. I blamed it on change, the inevitability as time passes and tears the canvas down with relentless fingernails. I can't say what's to blame but I know I'm the only one at fault. I want this to speak I'm sorry. I don't know how I wrote this, it was not planned. But now that it's out the first step has been taken.

from dre

iv read this over and over in my head....upsetting me more and more every time =( im lost in the words again, of what used to be... a cluster of feelings and emotions all trying to express at the same time; but since they cant escape i shut down. hoping that reading it again i will understand. hoping that id see it how your emotions would express it. do you want me out of your life for good?? or are you saying the opposite¿¿ i honestly dont know... but im glad you do understand that i went from #1 to ignored in a matter of 1 day and im glad to hear that you just pushed me out......... what were those ilu from behind the door?? were they just words? what do you mean the 1st step has been taken? to hurt and cofuse me more?!? i dont know im so lost and full of mixed feelings....i care to much and i wonder if i should care the way you do? but y would i force a friend away................
^^ from brent's blog.
xxxxx

tell me,

what would you do if you put your life blood, your sweat into making the ones you loved happy, so much it ran you dry. so much you didnt know what it was like to make yourself happy. What would you do when you were drained and no matter how hard you tried to put it behind you, tell yourself it's worth it to hurt and bleed for people who only half notice, you can't make yourself happy? What would you do?
It's like shoving a puzzle piece into an empty spot that doesn't quite match up, yet you try and try because you want to feel whole, you want to feel complete. But in the end the edges of the whole you foolishly tried to fill start to throb and hurt and you feel emptier than you did before, all you've managed to do is draw attention to the gape.

Wow. I wrote this over two years ago. It's hard to believe the choices I made. The things I did and how I justified ripping myself open every day for this one person. What sort of fucked up mental illness did I have that made me turn my back on myself to please someone who would never be saved? Why did I throw myself into the middle of a busy road to make sure he wouldnt be harmed? how many times did I almost kill myself? No, I was never close to death. He was my reason for living, even though every day drained the energy from me. I dried myself out, withered and weak. He was an emotional vampire. feeding off my love, but never changing. only sucking dry my limited stores of compassion. I don't understand why I let him do this to me.

What fucked love spell was cast about me that I became practically suicidal? Slitting my happiness for his. I wanted to help him so fucking bad. But he didn't understand. Didn't understand the gravity of what I was giving. He was a man dying of thirst who let water slip through his fingers. Stupid. foolish, thinking the flow would continue forever. But even love has its boundaries. and he pushed and kicked for so hard and long that they broke one day. and the water crashed upon the ground and was absorbed in seconds, leaving him parched, and leaving me broken in hundreds of pieces on the gasping ground.

I will never understand why.

10.10.11

BP

you're never gone. why can't you fucking leave?
I want so bad to be free of your memory. I don't want to keep thinking about you, but I can't help it. It's not because I miss you. Not because I still care. I don't. I'm cold as a fall morning for you. Void of feeling. Yet you still have the ability to have my heart in a choke hold. You seep back in when i reveal my cracks. And you will make me crumble. You confound me. Why do you hold this power over me, two years after? Why did I have to ever meet you. Why did I subject myself to you, or was it to me? to my weakness, to my faults, my love. My goddamned bleeding heart. You hypnotized me, moth to bright obscuring light. debilitating. You found me when I was young. Soft and shape-able. you held firm, until your fingerprints were printed on my flesh, impressed upon me permanently. And when I finally left you I hardened my skin, became rigid baked clay. But I didn't think to smooth your marks away, and now I am left with them. And I want so much to just sand my edges down, but I'm afraid I will be reduced to dust, because you run so deep I can't even find the bottom of you. And now I must find a way to rehydrate my skin and smooth out your wrinkles once and for all. And this is where I am lost for where to begin. I open up the wounds, talk, write, share, in a hope it will disinfect and stitch up with string that leave no scars. But there is no end to you. And you are so enweaved with my brain synapse highways that I will always stumble across you, trip the switch to bring it all crawling back. Like a zombie, hungry for me. emotions dead yet undead, unwilling to ever give up.
What did I do wrong?

8.10.11

In a rut

I bite my tongue, suck it in and swallow. Let words wallow and wilt in a cell that I build for all those that never made it out. Silenced by my doubt and left to sink down my esophagus, seared by stomach acid, they smolder. Growing older, growing stale, I fail to cultivate, to mitigate the weight of words solidifying, not trying to save them from a useless state.

I’ve got indigestion from all the unconventional confections I've been ingesting, testing my limits. I’ve got heartburn, because I never learned to chew my food. I swallow whole sentences in one bite despite it being rude. But it’s a habit I’ve fallen into, a pit I’ve slipped into and can’t escape. I can’t shape a sentence worth sharing, not caring to be a part of the conversation. I have no declarations I deem fit for telling, no ideas that I’m selling at any price. I think twice about speaking and by then I’ve lost my chance. It’s a dance I don’t know the moves to.

Like changing lanes in heavy traffic, if i hesitate i am lost, so at the cost of raising questions i chose to stay in my lane. not changing my habits to fit into the flow. i slow down and turn down a side street where i can breathe, sit, park and watch as others lead the chase. I can't seem to face up to being part of that race to nowhere. I can fake it but I’m always half a beat behind, and I find it easier to just stop, take the time to think, and if the words sink to my stomach half chewed once more, at least I’ll have stores of ideas for when winter comes and they’re hard to come by.

But stomach full and mouth shut,I'm in a rut.

dog walk

This evening, as me and my sister were walking the dogs around the block, an old lady commented on their beauty. having heard this a thousand times, I laugh and say thanks, and we keep walking. but she calls back to us, asking us where the bus stop is. Then she explains why she is here; she works with the disabled, and came here after work because her girlfriend had smokes, but she couldn't get a hold of her in the end, and I forget why, but she was headed to the Rocky view hospital. She told us she had breast cancer, had both her boobs chopped off. We reply with the usual "oh, that sucks" but she stops us, and tells us its great because she's on powerful painkillers. Then she turns her attention to our dogs, and told us that she used to house sit for a 110 year old man who worked in the oil rigs and was gone for long periods of time, and he had an untrained Samoyed whom she would cuddle up with at his big fireplace. but the dog would drag her on her stomach 20 yards when they went for walks and it saw a rodent. Then she went on to tell us about her pets: 19 wild feral cats, 5 of which she owns, two parrots, one macaw, and a couple rabbits. her house is full of poop. And on that note she left to follow our directions and we turned the corner and went home.
Twas an interesting and enjoyable walk.

5.10.11

last ma phone

And im lost. left grappling, reeling in this absence. i feel... empty. alone and unprepared. what if i miss something. someone is trying to contact me and I cannot reply. But why does it vex me so? i am tense, to borrow a word, ever wondering what is happening on my cell, which lies somewhere in a house on the other side of town, found or unfound, sitting. possibly ringing. probably silent and no one is missing me or me their messages. yet i can't relax. How will i contact my friend tomorrow on break? how will i tell the time? Why did i ever stop wearing a watch? because my cellphone was always there. it was dependable, a part of me i never left home without. i was constantly in the thick of it. at the touch of a finger i could summon anyone. plan anything. meet up with anyone without a hitch. but now....i've dropped off the grid. I am untouchable. i should revel in this, my few hours of freedom. i have an excuse to be absent. relax and not bother with anyone. let them find me if they so wish, but it will be harder. and only the truly important will be communicated. only with true need will i be called upon. no flimsy hellos and how are yous and i'm bored please talk to me's. back to basics. but still. i am afraid of my invisibility. I quest for the meaningful interactions, the things that make time float easier by. i have created a second state of being, of being here nor there, but in both places half way so. never quite truly dedicated to my state of being. my presence was split, sitting on a fence between two places, barely balancing. but now i have the chance to immerse myself completely, take a break from the habit that ripped my concentration in half. it was an excuse. an escape route. i could check myself out at anytime when life wasn't all that I wanted. it was a habit, i'll admit it, a treat when each text arrived, and id dive for my phone every time it showed a sign of outside life. i couldnt quit it, couldnt see why I shouldnt have it.
but here i am. unable to connect with this other dimension, and i'm starting to reflect, This is a good thing. Free my mind so i can focus on the now, not always one step ahead, head in the clouds, eyes looking down as i walk eyes fixed on this hopeless little screen. I can look up. And i think i'll like what I see.