killed by love

the kiss came as every other had. i held back for a fraction of a second but in the end i let my heart give in. i closed my eyes and let my lips slowly touch his. i could feel his emotions, could he feel mine too? i felt unsure and hesitant, but i felt his passion and his longing, so i kept on. the kiss grew, slowly slowly. my heart knew it was wrong, so did my head, yet i continued. finaly i had to pull away. i burried my face in his chest and willed myself to keep the promise i made myself. though i could feel the tears brimming i blinked them back. he pulled me away and looked at me. "you look like you've been crying, or that you're trying very hard not to" crap. i tried to stray away from the conclusions he was making. "how can you tell?" he brought a hand up to my cheek. "because i can feel a lot more tension right here.." he brushed his fingers along my cheekbone. "okay..?" i said. i hated it when he was right. he knew me too well for my own good. "am i right? or am i just thinking too highly of myself?" "no, you're right." i took a deep breath and looked away from him. after all this time i hated myself for feeling so shy around him. i had no reason to, and i knew he hated it when i didn't tell him what's wrong. "i told myself i wouldnt cry today..and i was doing so well, but then.." i took a nother deep breath to steady myself, and still averting my eyes, i continued on "that kiss.." i gathered the courage to see his response to my words. "you want to know something?" "k.." i looked at him expectantly. "that kiss..felt real." he must have noted the confusion in my eyes, and elaborated. "every time i've kissed you, it felt wrong. i didnt feel anything. but this kiss...was different." i mulled over his wordsin silence, but i couldnt see where he was coming from. i decided to let it pass. "do you want to know something?" "ok." it was his turn to look expectantly at me. "that kiss..went too far for me." i sat up straiter and scooted slightly farther away frim him, and just as i knew he would, he scooted right back beside me and reached out for my hand. " i don't know why i didn't stop..." i was talking moreso to myself now, it made it easier to get the words out. "i guess..i didn't stop because of you." i looked up at his confused face. "do you understand?" i asked, already knowing the answer. his no came as no suprise. " i guess...i thought this was what you wanted, so even though it went to far, i didn't want to stop.." he readjusted himself to look me strait in the eyes. "never do that."


oh the coop

billion dollar babies, dead babies. dwight frye and young steven. elections, assylums. poisoned dirty diamonds, frankenstein and hangmen. vengance, vengance. nightmares, cold ethyl bleeds. lost in america.


someone rip my heart out and leave me here to bleed

i feel empty with reminders of pastime.
of the safetly and closure i had
i felt warm and never apart.
its so hard to explain
this is just a moment of weakness i know
he's the only one avalible
after a long day of siapointments
the vulnurable side peeks through
did i say things i'll regret?
lead him on, break his heart
does it make it better if mine's broken too?

yes im poetic.

there's a hole in me
one i though i'd filled
there's a part of me
feelings i thought i'd killed.
suddenly back
to taunt me again
round and round
will this ever end?
maybe its different
maybe it's not
myheart is a cage
and i fear that i'm caught
i need asylum
i need to me sane
i dont understand
why im in so much pain
have i moved on
or am i just back
k i gotta stop writing
im gonna have a hear attack.


giant twitch

today i went to my friend's church. i thought it would be an interesting experience for me. maybe seeing their point of view would ease me into it. i don't know why i hold such a dislike for religion. though i dont have the knowledge to make informed opinions, but no one does anymore.
we just say what we feel. we don't take the time to put ourselves on the other side. i dont understand how each person can hold such different opinions and beliefs. we're all humans, we cant be that different, in theory. this just reinforces my beliefs that everything around us makes us who we are. everything influences us. my friend was brought up catholic and as a result she now believes in God. me on the other hand, wasn't, so i dont belive in It. i wonder what would happen if we were given complete unbiased surroundings, given complete choices. what would we chose? would we even become 'normal' humans? or would we chose not to decide?

my brain hurts.

me i believe that religion should only bring peace and comfort to a soul and nothing else. food for your soul, thats what spirituality. religion is for spirituality because your soul needs to be fed.
we have out body mind and spirit. they each have their own needs. most people replace their spirit with god or a surreal experience they cant explain, others replace itwith halucinagens that take us to the world we've never seen. but your spirit is something that needs more, its never satified, or full. its always thirsty. you try so hard to fill it up but all that matters is what you believe in your heart cuz once you look deep down whatevers there is whats real to you because u cant contradict yourself no matter how hard you try. you cant hide from yourself. if you try to you'll start to have mental breakdowns but once you figure out its so life changing, its reasurring to know that all you need is your mind and you'll be alive.

soul kitchen

swirls and curls
translucent air fills in and out
i really like to stay here.
hallowed be thy sins


our yew fur reel

just a heads up, i'll be posting old texts that my ex sent me.
i need them off my phone.
and some of them are eerie. you'll understand when i post them
but only if you know him and his living situation right now.
so dont think i'm weird. i cant throw things away.
so..transferring them here.
man i'm lame.

where is he..

i found a bead on my carpet. it made me pause as i remembered where it was from.
i decided to tie it to a string on my blanket. not sure why.
it made me think of everything else that had ties to him
i looked around my room, making mental notes of the objects
the guitar book, the shirt, the stuffed animal, the candles...
the ring.
hidden in a jewellery box now.
i had forgoten all about it.
out of sight out of mind.
odd, how something i wore around my neck
every day for over two months
could slip out of my memory so easily.


i'm freaking out
running circles in my mind from each different possibility.
each one worse than before.
i dont know what he'd do
he'd tell me, wouldn't he?
he'd want me to know..
he wouldnt leave me in the dark
would he?
would he think he's protecting me if he did?

i know i'm going to feel stupid

when it turns out to be nothing

but i cant help it.


existentialism representationalism and OBES

today i had an out of body experience. i saw myself as others would see me and i realized that i am a stranger to everybody but myself. no one knows me. i'm just another human being. i looked at myself and i didn't know her. i felt empty and still. i felt no emotions at all. i just had my sight. i was rooted to the spot, staring ahead at this unknown person.

it made me think. i decided to research it, to see if this happened to other people as well. apparently one in ten people have an OBE at one point in their life.

one thing lead to another, a read the 'see also's. there were alot of philosiphers who have had these experiences. i read about these philosophies that i had half thought about and figured before i even knew these existed. it almost gives me hope

and makes me feel nostalgic or...[i wish my vocabulary was larger; i could describe it better] i dont know. not alone. its a good feeling.

dirt simple.

plastic hearts to replace the worn out ones.

we need to protect human life. we're so precious; the most important creatures on earth. we're too great to die from natural causes. think about it.

we interfere in nature's way. live die live die, that's life. disease and fatal injuries are the ways that the world keeps populations in check. survival of the fittest. but we hide behind out drugs and our synthetic life savers. we become weaker and weaker until we rely solely on our own creations.
yet we believe ourselves to be the strongest creatures. superior in every way. are we? yes, we've been able to create this modern world by using the full capacity of our greater intelligence. does anyone question it? why is it this way? we're curious, that's why. we're not satisfied with simple nature. we wonder and fantisize, we create and recreate. every new advancement in out technological environment takes us farther away from our roots. until future generations have never been subjected to reality. but this is their reality, they accept it as the only way because its all they've ever known


yes i'm happy

you're fading from my view

i think i'm getting over you

did the wish i wished come true?

yes, i think i wished for that too.


dont take nothin but your soul

i make her breakfast, she gets annoyed because i over cooked her eggs.
i combed willow, she yells because she wanted me to do a really good job
i water the front and back garden, she gets mad because i didn't get dana outside
i'm doing a practice math test, she gets angry because i'm not helping in the kitchen.
i go and rake the front lawn she gets pissed and storms off because no one's watcing the puppy.

i try my hardest and it doesn't even matter because my best isn't nearly as good as what she expects.
she seems to think i dont try so whats the point in me even trying?
my frustration turns into sadness but i change it to anger because she's not worth my tears.

some one help me, i'm drowning. thoughts pool my mind and its getting hard to breathe. the room is twitching, creeping from the corners of my eyes. emotions are entangling with eachother, i've lost myself. i'm tied here by my own pretences. wondering waiting worrying. what's worth fighing, living for? everything that makes me happy is eating me up inside. i will be an empty shell of humanity. all the easier for you to fill me up with your own beliefs of what i should be. so many questions thrust upon me all of a sudden, i cant cope i can't focus. is it my glasses or is it me? i cant see. the floor is spinning. i feel sick with it's motion. my senses are dead from over-exposure. my touch is numb my voice is hollow. what's the point? is there even one?


Ivy league.

daydreaming in social, i stared out the ivy covered window and started thinking. the ivy lives unaware of the activity that goes on day after day year after year behind the walls it climbs up. it just strives to grow higher still.

it made me wonder. why do humans care so much about what goes on aorund us? why do we need to know what's going on halfway around the world? why do people invent all sorts of pointless imaginary concepts and theories? mathematics being the main thing. i cant wrap my head around these abstract concepts, i just get distracted trying to figure out why in the world people would spend their time inventing things just so they have more to learn. why aren't we satisfied being simple beings like the rest of the animals on earth? its funny how each person has a different concept of what's important and worthy of their time. me, i dont really think anything complicated is important. simplicity is the way of the earth and i want to abide by it.

with...? sharpie. cool. its good.

today was suprising. he interupted me mid- riff and gave me a random beatle reference. then he inturupted me again later on to tell me all about this band Crowded house. he went on and on and i couldnt help but smile. he was a pretty cool guy when he opens up. kinda like me i guess. i come off stuck up kinda, but im just shy. like him, maybe. i havent really figured him out yet. i think the silence unnerves him. oh, and he asked me when i got the tattoo on my foot. i found that so funny. kudoos to Petra on that one.



the world is so big.

i feel dwarfed and afraid, almost, when i contemplate my existance.
what it means to the world, what ripples my actions will make on a bigger scale
they'd be infitesimaly small, if anything at all
and i almost contemplate the thought "what's the point?"
but the point is not whats the big picture, it's the small picture.
my picture.


i'm recreating myself.

i'm thinking about myself and my wellbeing first.

if something is unfair to me, i'll speak up against it.

i'm no longer afraid of what other people think.

its refreshing to finally speak up for myself.

kathy's song.

And a song I was writing is left undone, I don't know why I spend my time, Writing songs I can't believe. With words that tear and strain to rhyme.And so you see I have come to doubt All that I once held as true, I stand alone without beliefs. The only truth I know is you. And as I watch the drops of rain Weave their weary paths and die I know that I am like the rain, There but for the grace of you go I.


blodd of a writer

thinking is overrated
thinking is addictive
so thinking is an overrated drug.


people get what they get, it has nothing to do with what they deserve.


they were fighting again. or should i say she was yelling and he was trying to talk reason into her.

again she brought up my father's inability to parent us in the way she sees fit. i dont understand it. she's the one who is good at getting us to do things. she's the one who is forcefull and such. she cant just expect my dad, a quiet kind guy, to keep bothering us and threatening us with punishment to do things. she's the one who was good at it and i dont see why she cant use the gifts she's been given. she says that ebay is her new obsession because she cant obsess over us anymore. that doesnt mean you can just turn your back on us and expect us to be perfectly responsible young adults. you babied us all our lives then suddenly you give us all this responsibility, but you want us to see what needs to be done without you even asking us.

its the same thing with my dad. in her absence he's a deer in the headlights, like us. and she lashes out at us for being incompetent when its her fault in the first place.


my mind was numb. this couldnt be happening. surely, this was a dream. seriously, what have i done to deserve this? why me? why him? i tried to make a joke to lighten the mood "why do i have to be such an amazing person?" it was futile.
i sat on the porch telling my parents all i knew, which wasn't much. and with every gap in my story they thought i was hiding something. i coudnt take it anymore "what's the point of me saying anything if you're not gonna believe a single thing i say?!" i choked out through tears. my mom came overand put her arm aorund my shoulders. good. she should feel bad. "ok, i believe you that he has a job." that wasnt what i was looking for, mom. i shook my head. this had to be a dream. my dad was right, this seemed like something out of the twilight zone.

what am i supposed to do? am i too good of a person for my own good? i could be done with him, forever. i could get over him easily. but im scared for him. i want to help him out, i want to be there for him. i guess generosity is a bad idea. WHAT HAVE I DONE?!!



i counted them. thirty. my heart was caught in my throught and i was afraid i would choke on it. my head wouldnt wrap around this fact. for once i was glad for my weak poker face. maybe i could stop it.


it hit me in one huge blow. he saw the look of horror on my face and then my tears turned into choking sobs as i buried my face in my hands. his arm was automatically around my shoulders in a futile attempt to comfort me. i couldn't believe it. how could this have happened? why did he do that? millions of questions ran through my head but i couldnt find the words to ask him. it all seemed like a joke or a dream. it just didnt fit. he kept repeating "its not your fault. this has nothing to do with you" and i tried to believe him. he knew me too well to know i would blame myself in some way. i tried not to but i was distracted. i was too much in shock to think of little else other than the image planted in my brain. it didn't fit, this couldnt be true.



why do i do this?
im perfectly capable of moving foreward
out of this life into another
perfectly the same, minus the one difference.
the difference is the reason i can't
not for me, but for him.
i'm wrong in my justifications i'm sure.
so lets return to the question at hand.
because...do i feel that my choice was unjust?
do i have this subconcious need to make him happy?

i hate to see him in pain. its my fault.
it was his fault, at one point. i suppose.
i feel a need to hang on...i'm unsure as to why.
because he was a huge part of my life.
i have difficulties grasping the reasons from my mind
to write them out, sort them out.



je n'en sais pas qu'est ce que c'est ca probleme.

c'est ma vie.

si je veux lui voire, je vais lui voire.

si elle pense que c'est mauvais, tant pis pour elle.

c'est tres frustrant quelques fois

quand elle pense que ce je suis interesse de qu'est ce que c'est son avis.

je suis ma propre personne je fait mes propres decisions

donc..disparaissent la baise vous-même.

i have this hatred for strangers. for people i have only glanced or not witnessed at all. i believe them to be the cause of disaster and despair in this world. the problem is that there are too many of us. but i become too attached to people around me. surely they can't be at fault. i love them all. everyone i have talked to or interacted with in the past and present have a place within me. but strangers i feel to be these dull manequins, the unthinking majority. i value the oppinions and thoughts of all the people i have heard, but want nothing to do with these strangers. it is perhaps a bad thing, a wrong thing, but it is me.

i find it to be odd. what do all my incoherent ramblings mean? is it a glimpse that perhaps i wont be an ordinary? that in time these ramblings will evolve into some form of conclusive thoughts with a matter of depth and insight to them?

the future scares me. i don't know what to make of myself.



i keep finding myself flip flopping. to decide to do it or not. what do i have to lose? my assurance and comfort at the fact that nothing will happen. if i egg him on..what will happen? i dont care anymore. i dont think. i keep wondering if he thinks about me or not. i'm pretty sure he would. but that creates another insecurity. what is he thinking? good thoughts? bad thoughts? or neutral just-another-drunk-chick thoughts? i cant keep doing this but i will because it messes with my self worth. i keep searching for something. another brent i guess. some love at first sight where they think i;m something special. not just another chick at a party to be forgotten the next day. i keep believing i'm worth something. that they'll make some sort of move because i was something to them. i keep clinging to this exasperation fruitlessly.

i gotta stop. this is turning out too much like the stories in my head. i dont know if i want it to end up the way it would if this were fiction. but it seems so perfect. like a destiny. i'm afraid.

i'm just not sure what of.



i really should stop. i build it up, thinking maybe something will come of it but what's the point? nothing will because face it; this is normal. this is what they do. the circumstances innevitably add up to this. and nothing progresses, no matter how much i want it to. i don't even know if i want it. does that even happen in real life? people meet up at parties, i'm proof, but i think the only reason it happened because there wasnt any alki there. it makes people act on impulses, most of wich-we are teenagers,after all- may make things awkward in the morning, in most cases.
but things werent like that, the next day. i should stop this. i cant obsess over things that have the slimmest chance of ever coming true. part of is it sad but i cant help but thinking maybe its for the best.
i cant help wishing it would. maybe it would be the cure to my questionable party activities. i feel like im on a road and i'm travelling. looking for the key to set me free. i'm searching for a part of me that i'd lost earlier, a part that i hadn't realized was in me until it was taken away. true happiness i suppose. a replica, a copy or something completely new from what i'd experienced before. the feeling of feeling complete is intoxicating. made worse by immeasurable amounts when it faulters.


i'm orange too so i can look like kenny.

am i kidding myself? am i setting myself up for ruin? this is why i do not understand the strength label. twice in a row when the opportunity presented itself. it was good they were too carefree to care about me. i was happy. in the moment. though i felt sick with..something- i continued on regardless. i enjoyed his praise. it gave me a sense of gut and confidence, though i had more than my share that night. it makes me go for the things i wouldnt usualy. i dont know how it works for the other side. are their actions accounted for? does it make them think compeltely different, or highten the one already present? i do not know. perhaps this is a neccesary evil. all part of growing up. oh boy.



i dont know what to believe in. what is right? what's right by me may be wrong by you. who is correct in their assumptions? the majority? the fault with democracy. the obscure views are left to the wayside and forgotten. assimilation to the broadened categories kills something inside of us. a spark of hope, maybe. a belief that we can be different without punishment. we succumb to the one in control because if we dont we become frustrated and broken. so the choice is yours. live by what you believe in, knowing that perhaps there will be some level of opposition, or hop on the bandwaggon. i dont believe we need to fight for our beliefs. our beliefs are our own and no one else's. if only people understood that. there would be no war over religion. thats why religion bothers me. people always seem to believe that they are superior to everyone else. maybe i do believe in liberalism. equal rights and all that. we are all born good, as well, but that's not saying much because everyone believes themselves to be good. what's good by me may be bad by you. and thats the word.


tabula rada

spilling compliments everywhere .

colourful frame with a blank page inside. i am the paper, the frame's colours bleeding into me until i am one with it.

i guess social isnt that bad..?


one more i promise

i just saw something that made me sick.
putting pics of u druink is one thing, but who the hell wants pictures of themselves drunk and naked on facebook? i mean like do these people have no self worth or respect or anything? i mean that is just so so so so vile.

two down

something about it. the beauty only i could see. the layers i ran through, to break through the core. astounding, the differences, the problems, trivial or heavy, the feelings and emotions and everything that people have. i read the social book, looking for a place i belong. i was disapointed. i dont fit in the larger categories. i dont even fit into anarchy. though i do partially. maybe i just hate government and politics and anything related. i thought to myself, i hate this society. but upon closer inspection i found that i cant really find that much to hate about it. hows that for messed up.


to be weak or to be unhappy

i've told myself many things to believe both positions, one after the other. and now, kudos to me, i dont know which side to believe. maybe i believe them both, and that is my problem.

i could be weak, or i could be unhappy. either way i'm losing something. lose-lose. so much for fairy tale endings. but that's the thing. this is not the end. this is the beggining. i have so much ahead of me and i dont know why i'm stuck in the past. i should have never loved. i cant let go. i never know which path is right, which is better. where i'll be happiest.

oil spill

I cried again last night. I've decided three things;
  1. I have an addictive personality
  2. I am impatient
  3. I have no imagination for the future

this does not bode well.

I really need something to distract me from this. I am lonely and I am cold and I want nothing more than to hear his voice. Why do I torment myself like this? I know it cannot be.
but why not?
no. I have made up my mind and I will thank myself for it later.

i hope.


i want to create beauty

in totemism the irrational fear aspect of an animal is the lesson they teach that you don't want to learn. wolf is the lesson of vulnerability. Of course everyone's route to the inner mind is different.