of the safetly and closure i had
i felt warm and never apart.
its so hard to explain
this is just a moment of weakness i know
he's the only one avalible
after a long day of siapointments
the vulnurable side peeks through
did i say things i'll regret?
lead him on, break his heart
does it make it better if mine's broken too?
one i though i'd filled
there's a part of me
feelings i thought i'd killed.
to taunt me again
round and round
will this ever end?
maybe its different
maybe it's not
myheart is a cage
and i fear that i'm caught
i need asylum
i need to me sane
i dont understand
why im in so much pain
have i moved on
or am i just back
k i gotta stop writing
im gonna have a hear attack.
we just say what we feel. we don't take the time to put ourselves on the other side. i dont understand how each person can hold such different opinions and beliefs. we're all humans, we cant be that different, in theory. this just reinforces my beliefs that everything around us makes us who we are. everything influences us. my friend was brought up catholic and as a result she now believes in God. me on the other hand, wasn't, so i dont belive in It. i wonder what would happen if we were given complete unbiased surroundings, given complete choices. what would we chose? would we even become 'normal' humans? or would we chose not to decide?
we have out body mind and spirit. they each have their own needs. most people replace their spirit with god or a surreal experience they cant explain, others replace itwith halucinagens that take us to the world we've never seen. but your spirit is something that needs more, its never satified, or full. its always thirsty. you try so hard to fill it up but all that matters is what you believe in your heart cuz once you look deep down whatevers there is whats real to you because u cant contradict yourself no matter how hard you try. you cant hide from yourself. if you try to you'll start to have mental breakdowns but once you figure out its so life changing, its reasurring to know that all you need is your mind and you'll be alive.
i need them off my phone.
and some of them are eerie. you'll understand when i post them
but only if you know him and his living situation right now.
so dont think i'm weird. i cant throw things away.
so..transferring them here.
man i'm lame.
i decided to tie it to a string on my blanket. not sure why.
it made me think of everything else that had ties to him
i looked around my room, making mental notes of the objects
the guitar book, the shirt, the stuffed animal, the candles...
hidden in a jewellery box now.
i had forgoten all about it.
out of sight out of mind.
odd, how something i wore around my neck
every day for over two months
could slip out of my memory so easily.
running circles in my mind from each different possibility.
each one worse than before.
i dont know what he'd do
he'd tell me, wouldn't he?
he'd want me to know..
he wouldnt leave me in the dark
would he think he's protecting me if he did?
i know i'm going to feel stupid
when it turns out to be nothing
but i cant help it.
we need to protect human life. we're so precious; the most important creatures on earth. we're too great to die from natural causes. think about it.
we interfere in nature's way. live die live die, that's life. disease and fatal injuries are the ways that the world keeps populations in check. survival of the fittest. but we hide behind out drugs and our synthetic life savers. we become weaker and weaker until we rely solely on our own creations.
yet we believe ourselves to be the strongest creatures. superior in every way. are we? yes, we've been able to create this modern world by using the full capacity of our greater intelligence. does anyone question it? why is it this way? we're curious, that's why. we're not satisfied with simple nature. we wonder and fantisize, we create and recreate. every new advancement in out technological environment takes us farther away from our roots. until future generations have never been subjected to reality. but this is their reality, they accept it as the only way because its all they've ever known
i combed willow, she yells because she wanted me to do a really good job
i water the front and back garden, she gets mad because i didn't get dana outside
i'm doing a practice math test, she gets angry because i'm not helping in the kitchen.
i go and rake the front lawn she gets pissed and storms off because no one's watcing the puppy.
i try my hardest and it doesn't even matter because my best isn't nearly as good as what she expects.
she seems to think i dont try so whats the point in me even trying?
my frustration turns into sadness but i change it to anger because she's not worth my tears.
it made me wonder. why do humans care so much about what goes on aorund us? why do we need to know what's going on halfway around the world? why do people invent all sorts of pointless imaginary concepts and theories? mathematics being the main thing. i cant wrap my head around these abstract concepts, i just get distracted trying to figure out why in the world people would spend their time inventing things just so they have more to learn. why aren't we satisfied being simple beings like the rest of the animals on earth? its funny how each person has a different concept of what's important and worthy of their time. me, i dont really think anything complicated is important. simplicity is the way of the earth and i want to abide by it.
im perfectly capable of moving foreward
out of this life into another
perfectly the same, minus the one difference.
the difference is the reason i can't
not for me, but for him.
i'm wrong in my justifications i'm sure.
so lets return to the question at hand.
because...do i feel that my choice was unjust?
do i have this subconcious need to make him happy?
i hate to see him in pain. its my fault.
it was his fault, at one point. i suppose.
i feel a need to hang on...i'm unsure as to why.
because he was a huge part of my life.
i have difficulties grasping the reasons from my mind
to write them out, sort them out.
i find it to be odd. what do all my incoherent ramblings mean? is it a glimpse that perhaps i wont be an ordinary? that in time these ramblings will evolve into some form of conclusive thoughts with a matter of depth and insight to them?
the future scares me. i don't know what to make of myself.
but things werent like that, the next day. i should stop this. i cant obsess over things that have the slimmest chance of ever coming true. part of is it sad but i cant help but thinking maybe its for the best.
i cant help wishing it would. maybe it would be the cure to my questionable party activities. i feel like im on a road and i'm travelling. looking for the key to set me free. i'm searching for a part of me that i'd lost earlier, a part that i hadn't realized was in me until it was taken away. true happiness i suppose. a replica, a copy or something completely new from what i'd experienced before. the feeling of feeling complete is intoxicating. made worse by immeasurable amounts when it faulters.
something about it. the beauty only i could see. the layers i ran through, to break through the core. astounding, the differences, the problems, trivial or heavy, the feelings and emotions and everything that people have. i read the social book, looking for a place i belong. i was disapointed. i dont fit in the larger categories. i dont even fit into anarchy. though i do partially. maybe i just hate government and politics and anything related. i thought to myself, i hate this society. but upon closer inspection i found that i cant really find that much to hate about it. hows that for messed up.
- I have an addictive personality
- I am impatient
- I have no imagination for the future
this does not bode well.
I really need something to distract me from this. I am lonely and I am cold and I want nothing more than to hear his voice. Why do I torment myself like this? I know it cannot be.
but why not?
no. I have made up my mind and I will thank myself for it later.