the kiss came as every other had. i held back for a fraction of a second but in the end i let my heart give in. i closed my eyes and let my lips slowly touch his. i could feel his emotions, could he feel mine too? i felt unsure and hesitant, but i felt his passion and his longing, so i kept on. the kiss grew, slowly slowly. my heart knew it was wrong, so did my head, yet i continued. finaly i had to pull away. i burried my face in his chest and willed myself to keep the promise i made myself. though i could feel the tears brimming i blinked them back. he pulled me away and looked at me. "you look like you've been crying, or that you're trying very hard not to" crap. i tried to stray away from the conclusions he was making. "how can you tell?" he brought a hand up to my cheek. "because i can feel a lot more tension right here.." he brushed his fingers along my cheekbone. "okay..?" i said. i hated it when he was right. he knew me too well for my own good. "am i right? or am i just thinking too highly of myself?" "no, you're right." i took a deep breath and looked away from him. after all this time i hated myself for feeling so shy around him. i had no reason to, and i knew he hated it when i didn't tell him what's wrong. "i told myself i wouldnt cry today..and i was doing so well, but then.." i took a nother deep breath to steady myself, and still averting my eyes, i continued on "that kiss.." i gathered the courage to see his response to my words. "you want to know something?" "k.." i looked at him expectantly. "that kiss..felt real." he must have noted the confusion in my eyes, and elaborated. "every time i've kissed you, it felt wrong. i didnt feel anything. but this kiss...was different." i mulled over his wordsin silence, but i couldnt see where he was coming from. i decided to let it pass. "do you want to know something?" "ok." it was his turn to look expectantly at me. "that kiss..went too far for me." i sat up straiter and scooted slightly farther away frim him, and just as i knew he would, he scooted right back beside me and reached out for my hand. " i don't know why i didn't stop..." i was talking moreso to myself now, it made it easier to get the words out. "i guess..i didn't stop because of you." i looked up at his confused face. "do you understand?" i asked, already knowing the answer. his no came as no suprise. " i guess...i thought this was what you wanted, so even though it went to far, i didn't want to stop.." he readjusted himself to look me strait in the eyes. "never do that."
this is the reason i broke up with him in the first place. because it was so much stress and it just seemed hopeless. i know that's a harsh word but its true. he's got so much on his plate and i dont want any more on mine. i have my own set of worries i need to take care of. but i cant just turn him away. the way he opened up to me...it litteraly moved me to tears. i feel his dispair, his depression. he has nothing. but i dont want him to have no one too. at the moment i feel thats all i can do; give him the comfort of knowing that i'm here for him, that he has me. contrairy to his beleifs he hasnt lost me. if he really had, i wouldnt have seen him yestrerday, or tuesday, or any times before that. we wouldnt have acted or talked the way we did if he'd truley lost me. his words stung because i felt his pain through them. his feelings soaking the words and turning them a different colour. i never told him to get the fuck out of my life, but it hurt to know thats how he fe
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