4.3.13

Maggot Brain

I am filled with the feeling of too much to do, but when given the time all I can accomplish is looking back at these blog entries with a detached sensibility. I am removed from them now. Peculiar, how these words remain fixed here, memories I would rather forget. But I am now wet with memories, soaked in ancient feelings I thought had shriveled away in the sun. One thing struck me was my way with words. It has always been a talent, but I exercised it more in adolescence. Now the muscle is weak and the words are hard to lift from my mind to this page in any way worth telling. I need to stop telling myself that. Evolution is inevitable and I have been changed by this passing of time. I am fascinated with progress, with the slow steady growth of each individual. Sophistication, intelligence, ever shifting dreams and schemes. But there is always an essence that remains unchanged. The spirit which guides us to who we want to become through time and space. I am happy now. I've always been content, but pain would find me often. Wrong loves have long tortured me, and I was twisted in my belief that that was all I needed to ask from this world. Now that I have genuine whole happiness I can't remember that pain clearly, but I know it existed and shaped me into my present being. And I am thankful for the experiences and the context it has given me to which I can quantify my present state. All things considered things have never been better. Self reliant, no more parental disapproval, a job at a chocolate store, a quaint basement suite, a loving boyfriend of three years, a career path in place. I feel like all the pieces are laid out before me, all I must do is collect them and place them perfectly so.

Well, I've got to go to class now.

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