29.11.09

LOL


1st draft..



This is a new language. A new way of viewing Were I can observe the beauty of paint chipped cement floors which peal away in gold flakes. Where the poetry lifts you up into a music video in your mind drawn on gray cement sidewalk blocks with green and pink and yellow sticks of chalk. And this car pulls you up out a road in your spine with seat belts of sand and once upon a time. pulling you upwards but there's never any end, it's a spinning transition that turns and turns again. There's nothing really new just looking with new eyes, new view. It is this trip that makes you want to stay up all night, lighting candles and incense and just write. On the walls, on the door in charcoal and chalk, some complex dialogue with your deep inner thoughts. And to sit and recite poetry in your shower. why? God knows. God knows how long it's been since we've been sitting here, two or four hours? And here we go again with these categories and, his definitions mass conclusions stall. Halt these gears running frictionless, you're a cog in this fictitionless [fiction less] definitionless town I call my brain. I know what you say, talk of us that way as if we are the ones insane. As if we are the ones mistaken. we, who sits all day explaining the ways to avoid the path of the mass of forsaken. So where is the border, that connects our world to theirs? Is there a sign we can past we've crossed the fine line into sanity from madness? So Kerry go again with these categories and, these definitions, mass conclusions, stall. It's a circle in itself, all these circles spinning. The electrons, the planets, the universe itself. And these wheels of energy inside a spinning rings of fire that were spinning ever higher. A gasoline choir that sings this song, all night long. Through the centripetal force [a physics term for those who don't know] that pulls us back upon ourselves, the raw emotion pushed in and hardened, in a centrifugal tube like the strands of DNA in biology labs, with white coat clones. Like this DNA in ourselves these hardened raw emotion this ore in darkly shine, is the DNA of our soul the fingerprints of our mind. Here we all are energy compressed humming life creations that is being suppressed in these concrete maze dazes ornate life races with blurred and blank faces the majority on seeing. false idols and chases. Ideas with broken wings are shot down with cold gazes, the bullets of hostile unbelieving, no praises. No faith, no future, no subculture. False pretension, detention. Detained chain drained of the energy it could have retained in the humming life creations that could've been maintained, and all this love we could have gained, if all the chains of modern society are refrained, there could be a difference, there could be a change. But for change we need energy an endothermic reaction, we need lift, we need traction to kick off and finally be free. To soar on wings made of hope feathers made of poetry. We need the poets, to sing us our song, to give us the faith to stay in it the faith to stay strong, to find this emotion compacted within, and to use it and soar on our own personal wings. One day we will reach the potential energy [why am I using so much scientific terminology?]. Regardless, we'll reach it and we will fly high, with faith in our feelings and no fear to try. So here we all are in this room in this age, here we all are here I am, here on the stage. [I'm not sure why I'm actually quite shy] Regardless! Here I am, here you, passing some energy from me to you, from one onto two from three and to four, and it goes on up and out that door, and picks up these broken wings of ideas and feelings, in the gutters the streets covered in sludge from the buildings smothered with feet of the big corporations lost in translation and covered up in shame. We pick up their broken bones the fractured frames, we pick up the pieces and bring them inside to the soul of the culture to shine in your eyes, we give them a place we give them a home we give them a name. And soon we have built up a family of battered souls, learning how to let the flame inside glow, to build and to grow and to go... Back into those streets go and save more souls from the feet. And it continues once more, a circle once again. And there's never any death, as long as just one circle lives within.
And all of this can happen, in one moment. one mere second, [whatever that is]. And in one mere second everything can change, the foundations of our thinking all altered and rearranged. But suddenly that turn can end, and we get off and we stand waiting for the start again. For each end we have there's a new beginning in store when we believe that there's nothing left there can always be much more. If life's got you down, the wheel is coming round, and all life keeps living on, in this perpetual motion, in the strength of our songs. So find what keeps you happy and find what keeps you strong find what keeps you high and what keeps you moving on. The hope of the difference lives on among our minds, exists among these phrases among these words and among these rhymes. It is the first step for us all, the backbone of action, to find this hope within and to begin this reaction. It's up to us all, please heed this call, because something needs to take place. In a world that's filled with beauty is also filled with ugly, come one, come all, join this race to erase the disgrace's cold embrace, this vice cold as ice, please follow my advice: find what keeps you happy and find what keeps you strong find what keeps you high and what keeps you moving on.

28.11.09

humans are a disease. A plague for the planet.

I am so afraid.
my reality, the foundation's built
by years of this society,
following blindly and simply,
and happily.
Have been shaken

I went to a slam.
I heard The most amazing poetry ever.
The most inspiring reader.
Everything she said made sense.
And I went home and I wrote.
and wrote.
And I was no longer in the world I grew up in
But I was.
But it was different
slightly altered.
It was on the level of energy
Instead of purely physical
it was intangible,
no borders,
everything flowed together
And I wrote for hours.
In my illegible chicken scratch
In my notebook for poetry.
I was running on tracks of other-worldly inspiration
Frightening.
Because I didn't know if I could believe anything of my past
I didn't know what was real
or what that word even meant.
What anything meant.
And now, I've gone back between the layers of shelter
of the modernist society
but I have traces still embeded in my brain
of this other world. this other dimension.

Je n'ai aucune idee quoi croire, a ce moment ici.
c'est effrayant, c'est curieuse.
P, je sais maintenant comment ca sent.

hello from...

I don't want to follow you anymore.
I don't want to hear it.
Read it, feel the loneliness
mixed impeccably with jealousy
in a Molotov cocktail
and thrown in a window in my brain.
Explodes
with each compacted memory I'd stored away in hibernation.
When I am without memories
I am happy.
No relativity to define me.

26.11.09

last time I saw Richard....

All romantics meet the same fate some day, cynical and drunk, and boring
someone in some dark cafe


Wouldn't it be great,
that perfect soulmate
who offers a permanent release?

Wouldn't it be fun,
two souls fused as one,
and living in joy and in peace?

I know that I'm young
And I've only begun
but I've got 2 years already under my belt

And all that I've gained
was two years of pain
you wouldn't believe the shit that I've felt.

I said it was love,
that was sent from above!
Oh, what a fool was I.

I just thought that pain
was part of the game
And it was perfectly normal to cry.

But the tears they kept flowing,
Showing no signs of slowing,
Throwing my resolve all askew.

And the truth began showing
through the tears, still ongoing
I was now knowing what I had to do.

So now, my friends,
I'll skip ahead to the end,
You all know how this chapter goes

Harsh words were spoken,
two hearts now left broken,
As I'm sure that most of you know.

So now you may see
How I came to be,
so cynical, jaded, and mean.

the loving was rough
And the pain was too tough
I'm sorry if I'm appearing obsene

I don't mean to suggest
That I forgot all the rest,
I cant deny the good times I had

they were some of the best
but pain makes them digress,
and all I can remember is the bad

I'm sure love exists
but with experiences like this
love and happiness seem too hard to find.

But I'm sure that one day
true love will come my way
And I can put all this cynicism behind

But if that day comes
you wont see me become
another flowery love-struck youth.

I wont proclaim my "true love"
shouting from rooftops above,
such behaviour to me seems uncooth.

I'll admit that, yes,
that I acted like this,
but relationship-wise, it was my first

I mean it started off great,
but then love turned to hate
it just took a turn for the worse.

So now I believe
that there's no guarantee
that true love will last forever,

Nobody can know
how tomorrow's gonna go,
So I learned to never say never.

what I'm trying to say,
is that things can go either way
it can turn out good or it can turn bad

just don't always assume
or you'll fall to your doom
dont judge your future from the experiences you had

I learned to never say "we'll never be apart"
but also to never say " I'll never mend this broken heart"

21.11.09

Here's a secret for you;

I have always been fascinated with the human body, but more so the female body. I think of it as beautiful and artistic. Ever since I was young I'd been subjected to the naked female form. Swimming pool showers and older women walking nude. Being taboo, my friends would all be so scarred and afraid to look. But I'd been subjected to it at a young age, and grew accustomed. Being around women who weren't ashamed to be exposed opened my eyes, and gave me an appreciation for this work of art hung in flesh. And so I find that drawings and paitings of naked women are just so beautiful. I can't explain it more than that. There's nothing much more beautiful than a women who isn't afraid or ashamed of her body.


[from rue des images ]

17.11.09

dragon naturally speaking?

So if you've heard of dragon naturally speaking you may understand this. this is me reading my poem 'good enough' ( a few blogs down) into the program and this is what it decided to show up as. needless to say i need to enunciate more.

Shadow down and I to the edition was printed on the and I caught the image that was printed on at each price between us. Aware that your heavy and reluctant hanging onto the tissues of my mind the first thinkers I to phrases but for all the effort getting a list by shoulder gets the door to keep them in Rio the blinders they've just because I didn't want to hurt and need to see the destruction related by wake the razor blade to silence the Eagles in.hello to you by as I sped off I don't see because I turned my back. Out of sight out of mind but I do said it yours and take steely God's wide. I've are poised at you. Because I turned my back. And I tore it down I read you up and I thank you to the. And I read search for those fragments but the time has past way he served the right because I turn my back in the world well behind it. Here it's silly word written paper and sent to you. I where those promises of forever and the culture of obsolete ideas I paid why the hell away. I turned away to safety in your arms and I store all around us. I blamed on change the inevitability as time passes to canvass down with relentless fingernails. I began to walk away expecting my resistance to the friction was minimal and my walk turn into a stand I found myself miles away you. Often the waters of the tightest of new temptations pulled me from your sure. Lost in drowning in another's oceans eyes to my toast is barely grazing the sense of safety and familiarity. That is standing still by roots have been a key. By homing her arms was burned to the ground by flame I thought it died. And now I'm a vagabond of love traveling the silent ones of men's hearts, leading the interfaces but too afraid to let these roots grow the soil of another. The pain I caused the splitting of two souls made one. Have you gone with the wind to a million pieces. I couldn't bear to lose much more. I was left a broken profile of exuberant young girl. Left the qualities unfit to be that his gifts. The insecurities and weaknesses by vain and silly composure. So instead I went in search again stealing emotions for the unwary like collecting charms of price them in a one-day sale on eBay. Bought and sold and bought again these tokens of love I was too afraid to call by its real name. The implications it would bring those afraid of the chaining qualities of words and feelings that I was too addicted to freedom it to comply. I guarded my heart with a steady eye but I was lonely. My soul was naked and alone cried out for another and I was torn between the head and the heart and the insatiable neediness. So I threw my heart again and waited for someone to break again of hoping somehow this time I'll get right. But I added another notch that that's the case in other half of me to. Now I'm left a grimy tarnish quarter no Child left sitting on the sidewalk, trot in an unseen just waiting for another school to pick me up. Again.

16.11.09

Today's the day

Well, tomorrow I suppose, in all officiality, but for me, tonight was the last I'd ever see of him. Plane leaves at 9 something tomorrow morning, and he's off on an adventure of a lifetime, or something very close. I never knew how I'd react and I didn't put much thought into it until I had to. Until I was standing there, with my hand still lingering on the front door as I watched him walk down my front steps and to the awaiting car. I felt the welling emotion and I knew it bore no good. I walked to the window seat and watched the car drive away. Watched the boy I'd almost fell in love with drive out of my life. I broke down in muffled sobs, spilling forth from a pain I never thought I'd feel for him. I saw in the reflection of the window my mother coming up behind me slowly, and she sat beside me and put her arms around me and let me cry into them. The tears pushed forth in a stronger wave of outpouring as I toyed with the thought of never having his arms around me again. And I cried for each wasted opportunity I'd left between us, too afraid to do what I'd always wanted. Even in those last few minutes that he were still mine, the trepidation was so stubborn I could not reach out and kiss him like I'd wanted to for so long. I let that moment fall because of my silly childish fears, and there's no picking it back up. No dusting it off and trying again. Any possibility is now dead. But each memory is so much alive and hurts me with their sharpness. They will fade and dull with time as is the way with most everything. But it will be hard to accustom to the lack of excitement of his promise, of his warmth beside me. Never again will I hear his heartbeat with my head on his chest. Never again will I grimace at a bad joke or punch him playfully in the arm when he'd mock me. Never again. I know we weren't perfect. We weren't destined for anything remarkable. I am almost thankful for this interjection. I am afraid of the chains of relationships. Fearful of commitment like a silly juvenile girl. No matter. I have no choice but to move on and forget it all. It's all over now, baby blue. The sky will be a little duller without my sun king.

my eyes were soft with sadness... "hey that's no way to say goodbye.."

But this will hurt for a while.
A picture,
where the smiles lay frozen forever.
A crystalline memory preserved.
That moment,
unexisting,
but held on that sheen of photography paper
Clear as day
grasped in kodachrome
forever.

A memory.
Looking back, I always feel invisible,
Not-quite-there.
A picture
A cage for those forgottens
trudging those feelings back
pulling them forth
from that abyss of blurred pasts
once again.

Neurological
brain cell pathways
Axons, synapses, terminals.
when the pathways worn down
a memory remains
When the path degrades
All is forgotten

But curious,
How a scent, a song,
how an old trinket
can bring it all rushing back

13.11.09

Happy friday the 13th.

Down down down, here we go again. Spinning down the vile pit of despair. Pathetic and lowly and despicable. That weakness has got a strong grasp, fingers tight on my collar, gathering the fabric and wrenching me forward. An irresistable despair, I dig my pit further. Broken cardboard hearts, torn from the sheet of the morning and spoiled in life's darkly decay. That silly seed of emotion turned into a creeping vine, I am consumed. The purpley clouds on the horizon breaking over the clear blueness of early morning skies. My body's out of tune with that song I once had sung. Unstrung and useless, I sit, stewing, stubborn and weak.

10.11.09

i like to mix science and art.

Bang bang, he shot me down. With the gun that I handed him. A relationship full of potential energy, wasted as heat dissipation. The end. And all the energy lost as heat and thrown to the dismal world outside our windows. We've done our part in erroding the universe. All the Lost words never spoken, lack of touch lack of movement, lack of meaning. So many possibilites for the energy between us but we let it waste away with trepidation. I wanted you to use me. I wanted to be used, I wanted to be wanted. I wanted to be better than her, somehow.

9.11.09

6am.

There's caffeine running solely through my veins,
the acrid tastes thick on my tongue wont go away.
the fingers perched above the keyboard
twitch and shake with false adrenaline.
I can't make it recede.
my leg is tap tap tapping
my thumbs putting out a beat on the spacebar
Caffeine train pulling my mind on a tangent
away from the work I should be doing.
lolling about in a feild of nothing
while i struggle to reel it back in
but my arms shake with an overload
and my stomach churns unhappily.
Three cups may have been to much.
With heaping spoonfuls of the shoddy instant variety.
Could have made the real deal
but the coffe machine would wake everyone.
6am, and no one would be happy with me.
So i watched the brown grinds dissolve in my thermos
and proceded to run for the bus.

xxx

Where is my old style?
It's been replaced with strangeness
unfamiliar and frightening
I have lost myself in another
again.

I've moved to new mind sets
I've lost my style along the way.
Or maybe I had no style to begin with.
A mash up of everyone else I hear.
Oh well.

8.11.09

I've looked at love from both sides now.
The ends too similar to bear.
Yet nothing of great consequence
Barely merriting a poetic phrase.

Please understand I never had a secret chart
to get to the heart of this or any other matter.

I took wrong turn. You were a mere brush against my side.

This love is a sordid affair. The dampening tones, these weary blues. And I find my age and experience gives me away to the stereotype. my words are self indulgent and misguided. Yet I cant make myself write anything more. I 've entrenched myself within my emotions.

5.11.09

good enough for now

You are a shadow now. And I can't conjure the image that was printed on my eyelids after each breath between us. The words I draw are heavy and reluctant, hanging onto the tissues of my mind with tiny frozen fingers. I feel I need to put you to phrases. But I've thrown all my effort into forgetting it all. Pushed my shoulder against the door to keep your memory out. Put the blinders made of distance up because I didn't want to hurt. I didn't need to see the destruction lain in my wake, the razor blades of silence, pins and needles of new love. You're numb and alone and So thick in my dust as I sped off that I don't see you. Because I turned my back. Out of sight, out of my mind, but I know I sat in yours, fermenting, stewing in God knows what. And I've rooted a poison in you. because I turned my back. And I tore you down, I ripped you up and sent you to the wind. And I have searched for those fragments but the time has snatched them away from me and it served me right. Because I turned my back, and the world went on behind it. I didn't want the problems of another clamoring in my head, i was trying to prevent the premature death of my found soft silence. I turned away from each piercing smile each sodden tear each silly word written on paper and sent to you. I took away those promises of forever and the poems of true love. Obsolete ideas, I paid them no mind, they held no weight. Turned away from the safety in your arms, hidden in the eye of the storm as hell broke loose around us. I blamed it on change, the inevitability as time passes and tears the canvas down with relentless fingernails. I began to walk away, expecting my Resistance but the friction was minimal and my walk turned into a run and soon I found myself miles away from the thought of you. Lost in new waters as the tide of new temptations pulled me from your shore. Lost and drowning in another's ocean-eyes, tips of my toes just barely grazing the sands of safety and familiarity. Never standing still, my roots have been up heaved. My home in your arms was burned to the ground by a flame I though had died, and now I'm a vagabond of love, travelling the silent woods of men's hearts, leaving faint traces but too afraid to let these roots grow in the soil of another. The pain I caused, the splitting of two souls made one. Half of me gone with the wind in a million pieces. I couldn't bear to lose much more. I was left a broken profile of an exuberant young girl. Left with the qualities unfit to be sent out as gifts. My insecurities and weaknesses, my vain and silly composure. So Instead I went in search of gain. Stealing emotions from the unwary, like collecting charms on a bracelet that I'll sell one day on eBay. Bought and sold and bought again, these tokens of love I was too afraid to call by its real name. The implications it would bring. I was afraid of the chaining qualities of words and feelings and I was too addicted to freedom to comply. I guarded my heart with a steady eye, but I was lonely. My soul was naked and alone and it cried out for another. And I was torn between the head and the heart and an insatiable neediness. So I threw my heart out again, and waited for someone to break it, again. Half hoping somehow this time I'd get it right. But I added another notch in that lipstick case, another half of me gone, now I'm left a grimy tarnished quarter. No shine left, sitting on the sidewalk, trodden and unseen, waiting for another soul to pick me up. again.