12.12.10

I was a heavy heart to carry but he never let me down

long ago it must be, I have a photograph
preserve your memories, they're all that's left.
Been thinking a lot about that next step. About finding a place to call a home of my own. To be able to fall asleep only saying goodnight and not goodbye.
Our one year is coming up soon. Two weeks away. It's been an incredible year, and I've grown substantially in these past 12 months. But I'm still that shy little girl, timid and afraid. I have my anxieties, my fears. I know he's mine as much as I'm entitled to him, and I am his as much as he is willing to have me. But the smallest of things sends tears down my cheeks, and I often don't know why. I suppose, having so much of my heart on the line, if something were to cut that line, a large percentage of myself would be gone forever, fallen to the bottom of the lake. But it's not even that. It's that I think I've found the right one. the right key to unlock me.
Every day spent by his side he opens another door inside. I've developed a strong attachment to him, to say the least. And I don't want anything to ruin that. The smallest of things that sends tremors through our tough foundations will unsettle me. and the floodgates dissolve in the acidic fear that sets in. I get anxiety attacks, and I cry for such silly reasons. But in the end everything gets resolved, the flood banks patched up, and life goes on.
I know that our love is stronger than any earthquake, any flood or any natural disaster. I'd brave a hurricane for him.
Oh no, I'm getting horribly cliche.

Let's wrap this up, shall we?
If I ever have to say goodbye, I want it to be with my last breath.

11.12.10

just a dream,

I had this dream. infact I've had many dreams like it. There is always water. Usually a lake, surrounded by forested hills. Similar to a lake in the Shushwap. But smaller, and the water is always warm. I usually find myself swimming in this lake. Last night I swam out, and it appeared to be peter hope lake. I was swimming with a guy that I had feelings for. Not scott, yet he seemed to turn into scott later. We were swimming, frolicking, having fun, then something changed. We had to get out right away. We swam extremely fast across the lake and got out and found ourselves at a dirt road leading up from the shore. We followed it and it took us to a hotel that overlooked the lake. It was packed, with all my friends and some odd movie characters. Erin had befriended the leader of the mean girls, and they were all sitting pompously in the hall. I can't remember what happened, but I'd lost scott, and I was extremely angry at that mean girl. I lashed out at her, grabbing her and showing her no mercy as I slapped her. I was torn off her by someone, and I procceded to run down the hall into a room. Into a dining room, and I somehow sat upon the wall on a little outcrop and watched the people eat, unnoticed. Scott was in the room and he saw me, but I told him not to come to me, and I recoiled into myself, a little depressed. Then Petra came out of nowhere and took my hand and led me away. I was angry at her, I remember saying 'You've been here all this time and you didn't bother to talk to me once?' But she led me away and calmed me down and we sat together and talked. Then things get hazy, but I remember feeling the faintest brush of lips upon mine. Some mumbled words, I may have told her I loved her.
and then I woke up.

9.12.10

I am learning how to cook.
I am learning how to forget
I am learning how to dance
I am learning how to cut hair
I am learning how to write
I am learning how to work
I am learning how to love
I am learning how to live
I am learning how to photograph
I am learning how to draw
I am learning how to theorize
I am learning how to be assertive
I am learning how to make friends
I am learning how to regret nothing
I am learning how to knit
I am learning how to listen
I am learning how to be receptive
I am learning how to learn