ive been thinking about religion alot recently.
i'm not pushing my beliefs onto anyone
you have no need to listen to anything i say
i'm just expressing my oppinions
but i just believe organized religion can't work.
i just dont see how all these people can all believe the story whole-heartedly
if religion works for you
fills a void, explains something, makes you feel better, then great.
but when people try and push their truths on other people
because they dont realize everyone is different
is just plain wrong
i'm not sure why.
maybe i liked what they had to say, now i have too much at stake. i enjoyed the sound of their words of wisdom, i lived by them, they shaped me. am i damning myself by disregarding them?
the one the stuck? she made me what i am today.
we all have our truths are mine the same as hers?
does a degree make hers truer?
i could be wrong. i wanted to think i had a chance. maybe.
i find it so enthralling.
i should have taken philosophy in highschool.
apparently its been a month now. and i found out by accident
he was drunk and let it slip. and i just let myself go. it upset me, beyond reason, but i didnt know why. which upset me even more. i was crying hard on the phone. he tried his best to console me
but he had to leave for work. i sat on my bed and tried to figure it out.
the reason i cried so much was because it was deja vu. of something i really didnt want to remember. the night brent left his phone at my house and i read those messages.
he didnt tell me because i seemed happier not knowing. and i found out by mistake and i felt betrayed. i wondered what else he could be keeping from me. i felt replaced.
with the smoking, it hurt because he knew much it upset me, so he quit. i guess...its like i feel like he doesnt care about me anymore because he did it anyway. its an irrational thought but i coudlnt help it. i tried to tell myself that, and it worked a bit.
i'm evil. i know i am.
because i dont think like the majority
and majority rules.
but maybe it's wrong?
maybe everyone is just wrong.
and maybe..just maybe..
but whos to say what's right?
its what the majority agrees with
therefore i must be wrong.
lets try and explain what goes on in my mind, shall we?
i believe we place too much importance on human life.
it is the reason we're in this mess.
we're too capable of emotions, feelings, attachment for our own good.
when someone is ill or injured, we do all we can to save them
because there's nothing more important that human life.
because we want to save them for ourselves.
so that we dont have to lose anything.
maybe..it's just me.
other people in the situation of dying dont want to.
because they are too attached to life.
maybe it's just me that isn't afraid of death.
maybe that's why i disregard human emotions so much.
i feel evil and different.
ive seen all good people turn their heads each day.
they follow blindly. they search out idols to believe.
because they want to be bigger than they are.
or because they know they're smaller then they want to be?
i don't see the point.
do to others as you'd have them do to you
i guess the golden rule doesnt apply to her.
so she lost her wedding ring. normaly this would be tragic
but i dont see the point in wasting emotions on it.
its not like she needed it anyways.
she hasnt even been wearing it for the past three months.
she'd put it on the dashboard of the car
of all places.
its been sitting there for over three months.
now it's gone.
and guess who's to blame?
me and my sister.
she doesnt think for one second that
it's her fault?
that she might have misplaced it?
she's divine, above all human err.
she think's we're trying to punish her.
i'm not sure.
we hate her.
but we hate her because we're ungrateful useless children
not at all because maybe she hasnt been much of a mother lately.
she's too busy cauddling her new child, her new obsession
the devil's spawn.
they were good feelings
we helped someone who had nothing
only hope and a will to survive.
we gave them something to be thankfull for
just like they gave it to me too.
it made me feel so good.
maybe there's still hope
the more people have the more they want to hold onto it
only people who know what it's like not to have everything at a momen't notice understand
they humanize with them, feel for them and help them.
the people who are too blind to see the other half
are the people who dont realize the true value of a possesion.
just like the book i'm reading.
they take from people who have so much to give
because they want to help them realize the beauty of giving.
its hard to understand sometimes
but i want nothing more than to get it.
this moment, is perfect, please dont go away..
his words stung because i felt his pain through them. his feelings soaking the words and turning them a different colour. i never told him to get the fuck out of my life, but it hurt to know thats how he felt. i willed him to see us as we are. if he had he would have noticed the situation. we were sitting on the ocuch, i had my legs on his lap, he was crying and i was holding him close, rubbing his back and whispering in his ear. to me that doesnt sound like "get the fuck out of my life."
thoughts wind in and out endlessly
i try to grasp on to them, to remember them
so i can write them down,
so others can think them as well.
but its pointless
i decide to, instead, accept it as it is
to know i thought them
and to let them go.
i think things once
why think them again?
i just need a break but i cant have one
and now that all the tests and exams are over
i dont have anything to strive for
i have no motivation.
i have a chemistry lab write-up
and a calorimetry worksheet
and i need to practice drums
but i cant do much more that lay in bed
nd feel sorry for myself.
my head hurts and i'm catching a cold
two things i'm blaming on math
and my body's hate for me.
i hate grade twelve.
i ran up the stairs. i started off slowly but my feet kept speeding up, as if i could run away from my stress. but there's nowhere to run and i end up sitting down in the end regardless.
i slammed the drums, faster and faster until i falter because my arms couldnt keep up with my brain.
i write faster because maybe the sooner i finish the sooner this will all be over.
but it never works that way. my brain cant keep up with my hand this time. i make mistakes and i have to redo the dreaded problems.
i'm sick of this.
i need better stress relievers.