30.10.08

yes; yes they are.


for all your philosophy-ers out there

is there a philosophy that states that each human is completely seperate from everything/everyone else? that everyone is so different so common truths do not exist?

ah well

ive been thinking about religion alot recently.
i'm not pushing my beliefs onto anyone
you have no need to listen to anything i say
i'm just expressing my oppinions
but i just believe organized religion can't work.
i just dont see how all these people can all believe the story whole-heartedly

if religion works for you
fills a void, explains something, makes you feel better, then great.
but when people try and push their truths on other people
because they dont realize everyone is different
is just plain wrong

27.10.08

slow the suffering

i am in one of those lonely moods that makes me question what's keeping me. i have everything at my fingertips but i'm living for those around me; to be viewed highly in their eyes.
i'm not sure why.
maybe i liked what they had to say, now i have too much at stake. i enjoyed the sound of their words of wisdom, i lived by them, they shaped me. am i damning myself by disregarding them?
the one the stuck? she made me what i am today.
we all have our truths are mine the same as hers?
does a degree make hers truer?
i could be wrong. i wanted to think i had a chance. maybe.

24.10.08

i'm only 17

the responses of strangers, opposing my half baked theories help me expand upon them.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Absurdism
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Existentialism
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nihilism
i find it so enthralling.

i should have taken philosophy in highschool.

22.10.08

i dont know where im going with this

no one ever needs anything.
they only want.
"i need to get atleast 75 on this test"
no. you want it. because you want a good mark because you want your mark to go up..ect."
you want it because you dont want the alternative. aka failing.
you dont need to go to school. you probably should, you probably should want to, but you dont need to.
lets get a more exagerated example
"you need to take this medicine for your illness or else you'll die."
you might think this is a flaw in my theory. but it isnt.
you want to take the medicine because you dont want the alternative; death.
but you dont need to take it.
you never need to do anything.

17.10.08

Kole

my hands are black
the keys are black
the mouse too
fine pwder everywhere
scribbled pages
a new obsession
a new life.

i need to clean up now.

one of the worst nights

he's started smoking again.
apparently its been a month now. and i found out by accident
he was drunk and let it slip. and i just let myself go. it upset me, beyond reason, but i didnt know why. which upset me even more. i was crying hard on the phone. he tried his best to console me
but he had to leave for work. i sat on my bed and tried to figure it out.
i did.
the reason i cried so much was because it was deja vu. of something i really didnt want to remember. the night brent left his phone at my house and i read those messages.
he didnt tell me because i seemed happier not knowing. and i found out by mistake and i felt betrayed. i wondered what else he could be keeping from me. i felt replaced.
with the smoking, it hurt because he knew much it upset me, so he quit. i guess...its like i feel like he doesnt care about me anymore because he did it anyway. its an irrational thought but i coudlnt help it. i tried to tell myself that, and it worked a bit.


im getting better at telling myself to do something regardless of what my emotions say. head beats heart. im trying to make myself obey my wishes. it could blow up in my face but im sick of being such a blabbering fool at the drop of a pin.

13.10.08

i dont expect you to get it.

i dont understand it myself
i'm evil. i know i am.
because i dont think like the majority
and majority rules.
but maybe it's wrong?
maybe everyone is just wrong.
and maybe..just maybe..

i'm right..

but whos to say what's right?
its what the majority agrees with
therefore i must be wrong.




lets try and explain what goes on in my mind, shall we?
i believe we place too much importance on human life.
it is the reason we're in this mess.
we're too capable of emotions, feelings, attachment for our own good.
when someone is ill or injured, we do all we can to save them
because there's nothing more important that human life.
because we want to save them for ourselves.
so that we dont have to lose anything.
maybe..it's just me.
other people in the situation of dying dont want to.
because they are too attached to life.
maybe it's just me that isn't afraid of death.
maybe that's why i disregard human emotions so much.

or maybe i'm just crazy.

i think i am.

brent's deeper than i thought

do me a favour.
think about what you are.
what makes you think
feel, act, see, breathe.
the list goes on.
but i thought about it
and it freaked me out.

12.10.08

give thanks

i feel alienated

i feel evil and different.

i feel...sane.

ive seen all good people turn their heads each day.

they follow blindly. they search out idols to believe.
because they want to be bigger than they are.
or because they know they're smaller then they want to be?
should i feel bad? should i want to help her find it? console her?
no.
i don't see the point.
do to others as you'd have them do to you
i guess the golden rule doesnt apply to her.

so she lost her wedding ring. normaly this would be tragic
but i dont see the point in wasting emotions on it.
its not like she needed it anyways.
she hasnt even been wearing it for the past three months.
she'd put it on the dashboard of the car
of all places.
its been sitting there for over three months.
now it's gone.
and guess who's to blame?
me and my sister.
of course.
she doesnt think for one second that
..perhaps..
it's her fault?
that she might have misplaced it?
no.
she's divine, above all human err.

she think's we're trying to punish her.
for what?
i'm not sure.
we hate her.
apparently.
but we hate her because we're ungrateful useless children
not at all because maybe she hasnt been much of a mother lately.
she's too busy cauddling her new child, her new obsession
Ebay
the devil's spawn.

11.10.08

switchfoot


adding to the noise.

turn off your stereo video radio.

10.10.08

commander cody and his lost planet air men

gypsy fiddle.
an awesome drinking song.
according to my mom
:)

oh bubbles

i don't understand your words..
..well maybe of you spent more time with them you would

giving thanks

today was a good day
they were good feelings
we helped someone who had nothing
only hope and a will to survive.
we gave them something to be thankfull for
just like they gave it to me too.
it made me feel so good.
maybe there's still hope
the more people have the more they want to hold onto it
only people who know what it's like not to have everything at a momen't notice understand
they humanize with them, feel for them and help them.
the people who are too blind to see the other half
are the people who dont realize the true value of a possesion.
just like the book i'm reading.
they take from people who have so much to give
because they want to help them realize the beauty of giving.
its hard to understand sometimes
but i want nothing more than to get it.

6.10.08

of joy.

it was such a perfect moment. we ended up in my room, just standing there, gazing into eachother's eyes. i broke away to press play on my ipod that was hooked up to a stereo. So Long Marrianne came on. perfect. i walked slowly back to him and draped my arms around his neck and nessled in close, my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. i laughed inwardly as the line "you held on to me like i was a cruicifix" came on. as if he read my mind he placed his arms around my waist and we started swaying ever so slightly from side to side. i lifted my head to look at his face. he smiled a knowing smile and softly said "so this is what you were getting at." i smiled in response. we stood nose to nose and continued slowdancing around my room. the song ended and every night came on, and i coudlnt help but grin and mouth along with the words "..but tonight i just want to stay here, and be with you." he smiled and kissed my forhead and whispered in my ear "butterflies.." and i felt myself blush. i wrapped my arms around his waist and gave him a big hug. he slowly brought his hand up to my face and leaned in for a kiss. it was the lightest touch, just a brush, but it sent tingles down my spine and i felt my knees weaken. i rested my head against his chest again and he whispered "i thought you werent going to treat me today.." thats when the tears came. i tried to hold them in so he wouldnt notice, but he did. he rubbed my back in attempt to calm me. "i'm sorry, i was just trying to make a joke, i didnt mean to upset you.." i looked up at him, tears sliding down my face. i noticed the song had changed again. innocence. the only avril song i can stomach. i decided to sing along, in an attempt to tell him my feelings. "the state of bliss you think you're dreaming, the happiness inside that you're feeling, its so beautiful it makes you want to cry.." he just smiled and pulled me in tighter and kissed my head "i love you. so much." "i love you too.."
this moment, is perfect, please dont go away..

teardas

this is the reason i broke up with him in the first place. because it was so much stress and it just seemed hopeless. i know that's a harsh word but its true. he's got so much on his plate and i dont want any more on mine. i have my own set of worries i need to take care of. but i cant just turn him away. the way he opened up to me...it litteraly moved me to tears. i feel his dispair, his depression. he has nothing. but i dont want him to have no one too. at the moment i feel thats all i can do; give him the comfort of knowing that i'm here for him, that he has me. contrairy to his beleifs he hasnt lost me. if he really had, i wouldnt have seen him yestrerday, or tuesday, or any times before that. we wouldnt have acted or talked the way we did if he'd truley lost me.
his words stung because i felt his pain through them. his feelings soaking the words and turning them a different colour. i never told him to get the fuck out of my life, but it hurt to know thats how he felt. i willed him to see us as we are. if he had he would have noticed the situation. we were sitting on the ocuch, i had my legs on his lap, he was crying and i was holding him close, rubbing his back and whispering in his ear. to me that doesnt sound like "get the fuck out of my life."
does it?

5.10.08

if i love you and you love me...

...why do we put ourselves through this?


i dont know how to answer that. i cant even begin to think it over. because i dont even know how i feel. i wish i did, i wish i could make all this pain go away with sweet words. but i know they're hollow. you know as well as me that there's nothing i can do to make it better. all i can say is that today was one of the best days of my life and i wouldnt take anything back. i know you're going to beat yourself over it but i wish you wouldnt. yet i can wish so much and i do wish all time, but i dont know if it does one slice of good. you know i would do everything i can to help you. so it hurts when you think that you have nothing, noone. but just because we're not boyfriend girlfriend, it doesnt mean anything. it's a label, meant for people to try and understand things better. but i'm past that point. i dont understand anything anymore. labels wont do any good. i just want you to know that i'm here for you and i always will. and this is coming from the heart. you know it.

its true
i just broke my long winded nutella fast..

fuck it

i've decided to ask keith to chill
using the lure of horizon expanders and company
to lighten the mood of my proposition


i have nothing to lose
yet i cant make myself do it.

4.10.08

cant sleep by bed's on fire

my mind is restless
thoughts wind in and out endlessly
i try to grasp on to them, to remember them
so i can write them down,
so others can think them as well.

but its pointless
i decide to, instead, accept it as it is
to know i thought them
and to let them go.

its reffreshing.
i think things once
why think them again?

i looked outside for the first time in a while. i mean ive looked outside everyday, but it was the first time i acctualy saw. the colours...so bright and vivid...it sparked something in my memory.
happy one year anniversary

too old


i dont belong in that world. i've changed too much, and so have they. maybe it's just my warped expectations. i've been subjected to a completely different class of human beings. a different world completely. i find it hard almost painful to be here with them. my heart is not well here.

2.10.08

the one thing i picked up from my social exam

assurer l'obeissement du peuple par la reglementation du systeme educationel.
this is in a dictatorship, so why do i feel like its happening here too?

i cried at school for hte first time

i'm so mentally tired. i could probably fall alseep right now
i just need a break but i cant have one
and now that all the tests and exams are over
i dont have anything to strive for
i have no motivation.
i have a chemistry lab write-up
and a calorimetry worksheet
and i need to practice drums
but i cant do much more that lay in bed
nd feel sorry for myself.
my head hurts and i'm catching a cold
two things i'm blaming on math
and my body's hate for me.

i hate grade twelve.

1.10.08

you trap you kill you eat

being quick is a stress reliever. i noticed that today. running quick, slamming on the drums quick, writing quick.
i ran up the stairs. i started off slowly but my feet kept speeding up, as if i could run away from my stress. but there's nowhere to run and i end up sitting down in the end regardless.
i slammed the drums, faster and faster until i falter because my arms couldnt keep up with my brain.
i write faster because maybe the sooner i finish the sooner this will all be over.
but it never works that way. my brain cant keep up with my hand this time. i make mistakes and i have to redo the dreaded problems.

i'm sick of this.
&&
i need better stress relievers.

not even kidding.