one of the worst nights

he's started smoking again.
apparently its been a month now. and i found out by accident
he was drunk and let it slip. and i just let myself go. it upset me, beyond reason, but i didnt know why. which upset me even more. i was crying hard on the phone. he tried his best to console me
but he had to leave for work. i sat on my bed and tried to figure it out.
i did.
the reason i cried so much was because it was deja vu. of something i really didnt want to remember. the night brent left his phone at my house and i read those messages.
he didnt tell me because i seemed happier not knowing. and i found out by mistake and i felt betrayed. i wondered what else he could be keeping from me. i felt replaced.
with the smoking, it hurt because he knew much it upset me, so he quit. i guess...its like i feel like he doesnt care about me anymore because he did it anyway. its an irrational thought but i coudlnt help it. i tried to tell myself that, and it worked a bit.

im getting better at telling myself to do something regardless of what my emotions say. head beats heart. im trying to make myself obey my wishes. it could blow up in my face but im sick of being such a blabbering fool at the drop of a pin.

Comments

Anonymous said…

"im getting better at telling myself to do something regardless of what my emotions say"

its hard, man. you know i'm here for you but i wont always be there right away when you need it. please don't count on me to make things better count on yourself. your inner strength and your mind is what you need. love you. and the meaning of those words will never die off in intensity

October 17, 2008 at 5:02 PM

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