23.2.10

show me love

Do you still have doubts that us having faith make any sense?

[I hope this brings me lots of controversy]

I lost my faith years ago.
I thought I was broken.
I believed hell would burn me
because God turned his back on me
Because I turned my back on Him.

Even at a young age, when my friend took me to her church,
and we sang lovely ditties about how this God was wondrous;
'Our god is an awesome God. "
"Our god of peace will soon crush Satan'"

No, your god is a hypocritical god.
even at age 10 I could see the stupidity in it all.

And I left that church and never went back.

But they did succeed by planting that seed of fear.
The 'what if' of the existence of this all powerful, judging God
but more importantly the 'what if' of hell.
That's how they hook you.

I Swear there ain't no heaven and I pray there ain't no hell,

Living in fear of hell instead of living for the love of God.

Now I know it's not a problem with my ability to believe,
the fault lied in the things I was lead to believe in.

I couldn't comprehend why we would bother honouring such a judgemental God
such a humanoid, conditionally-loving God.
He is a manifestation of the human condition.
Not holy, besides being 'all-powerful'
but then what stops God being translated into money?
or being a multinationalmultibilliondollar company?

I don't believe that we are all created in the image of God
but that God was created in the image of us.


No, religion is not for me.
scratch that
A tangible God is not for me.
I believe in the religion of love.
In the power of energy.
In the God and Goddess within.
John Lennon said it best;

"I just believe in me, Yoko and me."

I just believe in me, too.
Scott, and me.



20.2.10

embodies

I want to write a poem that embodies you.
That can appease what's long overdue.
Finally let out all this pent up emotion and feeling
a clamouring commotion that leaves me reeling.
I’ll transform it into phrases
I'll be writing words that daze and amaze us.

It will translate your smile
with words so versatile,

that the hours trying to sew the words into a patchwork perfectly fit to cover you
Able to soothe you,
and transform the coldness you've let seep into your bones
into the warmth of a kiss,
telling you you're stronger than this,

Will be worthwhile.

But you know it's starting slow.

Like the birth of this very earth
from primordial stew,
And I can’t sit through
the millions of years it took in which microbes grew.
To think, it took 3.9 billion years to build something as beautiful as you.

And when I only have the attention span of a few hours
I don't have the power
to create an immaculate portrait of you.
my vocabulary is too limited
even with words like mellifluous,
I just sound loquacious, tenuous.

Finding a rhythm that flows is frustratingly strenuous.


I want to write without having to find inspiration
in other people's words, in other people's creations.
I want this poem to be all my own,
inspired by you alone.

The poem will spell out that look in your eyes that the shine adorns
when your eyes open each time, as if you've just been born.
Blinkingly amazed by everything in its youth and vitality
the realness of this reality.

I want to pause this moment and put it on replay.
I want to watch it, over and over, a little bit each day
until I've memorized each pore of your skin
each blemish and imperfection,
it's beautiful. formidable
and you are a reflection
of the god and goddess within.

I want to see you see me,
see your eyes gleam
like I'm the first thing you've ever seen.
I want you to praise me like I'm a goddess without a name, no fame.
Existing in a wild beauty that only you can tame
I want to be this country before it was charted
Like the few seconds of silence of a song before it's started.

I want you to discover me like Jacques Cartier.
I want to rewind and press replay.
I want to pause this moment, rewind and ride this endless loop into eternity.
riding the wave of bliss in an endless sea,

I want to write a poem that embodies you,
even though it's a big mission to pursue.

I want it to be beautiful.
I want it to be the best I've ever written
I want you to be smitten.
I'll hand pick every word so it fits perfectly,
like an immaculate apple off a tree
and if I have to crane

my neck and strain

my back to reach it, then so be it.
I want it to be worth it for each person who'll see it.
And if I wake up sore the next day
at least I'll have the patchwork quilt of words to soothe the pain away.

But in the end
when I've finished my masterpiece,

when I've released the last of this emotion,

When I've prevailed, settled the commotion
added the finest last detail….



I'll just delete it all.


But you know the he words will remain
half burned into my brain
Alive only as a notion
feeding the emotion.

…but wait...

that's not right.
the emotion feeds the words.
And every time I see you
the emotion is renewed
the phrases I construed
last time, are outdated.
they don't work as well as when they were first created.
They’ve got an expiry date,
Only able to create
The intended response for a little while,
Can only inspire a smile,
Can only be sublime
for a limited time.
But the emotion never dies
Always growing,
never showing signs of slowing,
as long as there’s a shine in your eyes.

15.2.10

bloom

Age is just a number, and I know I'm young but I believe I feel what you feel. "Ain't so hard to recognize - These things are clear to all from time to time"
I feel like this is a seed, this is the everything-we-need, and through every waking hour the leaves uncurl and the roots of something bigger than ourselves unfurl, making their way through my veins, my heart beats like a speeding train, feeding this creation that flowers in my brain, creating a scent that only you can smell. Because its perfume is built on the love we know so well. And branches escape through every pore of my skin, reaching to let you in, searching for your grin. I want your heart to beat in time with mine, want the shine in your eyes to sing the harmony that words can't define. I want my empty flowers to be met with the lonely bees searching for their lovers, carried on the breeze on the chance that they'll bring a part of you on their wings. And that I can bear the fruit of this union built on such a rocky shore.
You are the sunlight in my growing. So little warmth I've felt before.
Romance built on a frail chance, but after that first dance, first glance, I knew, I know, that you, could make this seed inside grow. And I know, that I love you so.

We are built for the creation of the next generation. To keep this nation alive with the formation of one, from the combination of two. It's the goal that every living creature pursues. All that I've learnt from biology are these physical theologies, well thought out scientific verities, but with no sincerity. No explanation for the love behind each creation. For the elation between two lovers. But they only explain the mechanical workings of what happens beneath the covers. "we're shipwrecked on the idea that everything needs to make sense." That we can condense millions of years into textbooks and classes, into exams for the masses. I want to be educated in the subject of your smile, on the little things that make life worthwhile. I want to learn about this emotional seedling, I wont mind doing the reading for this feeling unheeding the textbook definitions. I want to learn about the omissions from those pages, the feelings free from those cages. speak to me with only your eyes. And I will learn the language. I want to study each pore of your skin, I want to learn the theories of your limbs. The stories from within. Teach me this love, I want to know, I need to know what to do to help this seed grow.

this love is ours

the beauty words I feel beneath your skin,
the sheets of music, lucid and thin
your eyes and all the phrases that appear
with no sound or movement, yet I can hear.
The heat that exudes, your fire feeding mine
the blood that flows, the energy that intertwines
creates these threadbare tapistries
covering the walls of gurantees
of this room we built on feelings
with strong walls but no ceilings
so we may sleep beneath the stars
alive in each moment because it's ours.

14.2.10

sugar coated

your smile fizzes inside me
as your words dissolve
entering my bloodstream,
bursts of bubbly energy
liquid sugar high.

12.2.10

sing me a song

You make me real.
Breathing into this hollow body the life of a melody.
My body snug next to yours, your fingers along my neck.
My curves crafted to fit you perfectly.
Permeating warmth through these silver strung veins.
I want your touch to wear my varnish thin
I want to feel your breath melting the frost of my skin.

7.2.10

I'm so disillusioned

I know what I should be doing. What I'm not doing. Of the teetering pile of faceless obligations, the assignments and reports, the time needed to succeed, this does not belong. I'm stretched thin, covering too many bases half heartedly with the fear of failure instead of from a love of success. I told myself, mindlessly, that I could do this. I tell myself, emotionless, that I can do this. It's not a matter of wanting and not wanting, but of can and cannot. Life does not revolve around silly wants, of dreams and fairy tales. No life is wound with filaments of rigid to do lists. A checklist bored into our eyes and seared into our very mind frames. So much so that we put up with it. Day in and day out, on the hope and the belief that there will be solace at the end of this ride. But this is not a road to a new destination. This is an elevator, going down down down. Just pushing you farther into that cold cold ground, and with each meter you pass the chance of getting back up decreases, the whole picture broken into pieces, that you can't keep. maybe you'll grasp to a corner, only a shadow, a faint idea of that life you had before, the carefree child like life of yours. Do you remember? We blow it off as nothing. Of course a child's life needs to be happy, they need to have an imagination and live in their own fantasies. But that's not what the real world is like. We can't expose them to the harsh world outside their mind's eye too soon! But why are we exposed to it? Why does age make a difference? It's a stupid question. No way around it. But I'm always left longing for peaceful abandon. And I'll continue to long, for as long as I live.

I don't want to do what I need to do, I need to do what I want to do.

shadow of the heart I-III

Looking back I was always afraid of my imperfections. Afraid of the conditional love I lived under, I squirmed in my ragged skin. Pockmarked on the outside, blemished on the inside. Predisposed for chemical imbalances, in accepting my fate I made it a reality. I felt skewed and broken, a cloud of darkness wrapped in layers of pale olive skin. I took silence as a bad thing, afraid of the thoughts formulating in the observer's eye. I kept half of me hidden in shadow, afrad what the light would reveal. Afraid to be myself because I'd be lonely. No one would stay once they knew how I could really be. And what was that? I was no devil, no schemer. I had no dark thoughts that merited scorn. I was nothing that needed hiding. Yet I was concealed; I was living a masquerade of generic precedences. I can't remember the reasons I convinced myself with. Looking back, it all seems so silly. Hidden in a caccoon of my own trepidations, I was waiting for someone to break me open, unfurl these sleeping wings woven with hidden gems and crystlized beauty.
My advice to you all: find someone that you can be 100% yourself with. It is the greatest feeling in the world.

Write one leaf about rockets.

(via writeoneleaf)

You can sky rocket away from me,
And never come back if you find another galaxy
far from here, with more room to fly,
just leave me your stardust to remember you by.

The song played in the background as your words took mainstage. You took my hands in yours. “This song describes how I feel perfectly.” I smiled at the sweet nothings, a sucker for romantic antics. But the meaning of them never made it’s way fully to my brain, the words were never digested by nerve pathways and stored in the memory bank of understanding. To me it was just another phrase, another one of your statements I didn’t believe. But you believed it to be true, only because you knew I wasn’t going anywhere, you knew you didn’t need to worry about letting me skyrocket away. I saw the way you coveted my warmth, grasped with your fingers to keepe me close. Acting in a way that betrayed your words, you spoke an unknowingly hypocritical statement. You had no imagination, couldn’t fathom that I would one day change my mind. You said you’d live to let me shine, but the darkness of your skies blotted out my star and I suffocated beneath the emptiness. You kept me in a box, your personal light source to illuminate and warm the hollow caverns of your heart. So one day, I filled my fuel tank and I flew. Out of your skies into a new galaxy, where I could stretch my wings and fly comfortably. I looked back, only once, and wished I hadn’t. As I catched your eye I saw the truth come forth, the fact that you could never be ok with this. My stride faltered as I saw your world come crashing down. But I was too far away, and the freedom was intoxicating, and soon you were just a dot on the horizon. But in the box you made for me I left some stardust, it’s all you said you needed.

4.2.10

school is making my head explode.
my social life imploding,
battery acid calculators corroding
burning holes in broken skies
burning tears in hollow cries
stiffled sighs.
thinned out over too much space
thinned out till I leave no trace
too quick of a race
I can't win if I don't get stronger.
I can't keep up at all
-not for very much longer-
watch me faalll