Bad Day

This morning we woke up to the stiff still form of our feline friend Snookums. She had been struggling with some mystery pain the day before, meowing and dragging herself around trying to find comfort. I had sat by her side trying to massage her stomach, scratch her ears, anything to reduce her suffering. I thought she could pull through. And now I am riddled with guilt. Would taking her to a vet have saved her? There's no way to know. It was so sudden. She was off for the past week, but had been getting better. Then out of nowhere she was overcome by this pain. I don't know what brought her down. I wish I did, wish I could have answers. But the fact remains that she's gone.
The worst part is she wasn't our cat. We'd been looking after her long term while my friend was living with her aunt. We had her for four months, every day falling more in love with her. Now my heart is hurting and my spirits are low. Life can be so fleeting. And death is so permanent. 
I don't know how to feel. 


neighborhood nights

I feel like somewhere along my life there was a shift. Suddenly nothing was for fun any more, it was all necessary. Suddenly I'm bothering with what others think, afraid to link any connotations I deem negative to my being. Why do I care what people I've never met, who'll forget they ever saw me, think of me; this obscure stranger in their peripherals. It's a warped sense of mind and place, seeing the space around me in my mind's made up ways. So I stray away from everyone, isolating myself unwittingly, turning them against me. Self fulfilling prophecies, I succeed in creating this reality. I need to break free from my mind's mentalities, with which negativity has propelled me.

So I've started a new sport. I call it neighborhood night dancing. Donning headphones and heading out alone to the empty streets as the city sleeps, and moving to the beat. Letting it compel me towards a freedom long gone missing. Letting go is an art. Complete release is a tough thing to master, but the faster you dance the better the chance of it. I Love it for it's exhilaration; the sensation of being scared yet not caring if people catch you in the act. I react with a laugh and a leap into the streets, heart pounding, astounded at my actions. Each dance is a step towards reclaiming the wonder of childhood that I've lost along my way. So I stay in my groove, knowing I'm moving closer to a better me. Someone who sees the world with fascination rather than aggravation. I need a confirmation that I am an awesome human, and this takes shape in my night grooves. One small skip for me, one giant sashay for the improvement of my brain.


ABCRC, y u no job?

I'm not in the greatest mood today. Last Tuesday I had a job interview for a go green team ambassador position with a beverage container recycling company. Basically I'd go to events around Alberta and spread the word about recycling. Basically it would be an incredible job for me because I'm such an eco-freak with a passion for recycling. The interview felt like it went well, the interviewer was an incredibly chill lady looking only a few years older than me, and she kept saying 'good answer' to what I was saying. She told me she'd let me know by the end of the week either way, but now it's  Wednesday of the following week, and still no email. What's worse is apparently two guys from my class who only applied as a joke got positions there. So it isn't looking good at all, and I'm really sad. I'm not the most outgoing person, it's true. I would probably have troubles instigating conversations with passers by, but I'm willing to try, because this is my passion and I've been dying for an opportunity to help spread the word. I felt like I portrayed myself as a passionate and dedicated individual in the interview, but I feel like I wasn't 'outgoing' enough, or somehow she realized I'm shy and wouldn't be right for this position. I have driving myself crazy all week, obsessively checking my emails to no avail. Guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I thought I was qualified, and was confident, only to have that confidence slowly dwindle away to this point, where my motivation to do anything is at an all time low. I feel like there's no point to try anymore, which is melodramatic, yes. But such is life. I climbed that hill, looked out upon the crest, only to fall back down the other side. Now I sit in the sunless valley, staring up at these walls, lacking the energy to start climbing again. But after some rest perhaps I will.


Maggot Brain

I am filled with the feeling of too much to do, but when given the time all I can accomplish is looking back at these blog entries with a detached sensibility. I am removed from them now. Peculiar, how these words remain fixed here, memories I would rather forget. But I am now wet with memories, soaked in ancient feelings I thought had shriveled away in the sun. One thing struck me was my way with words. It has always been a talent, but I exercised it more in adolescence. Now the muscle is weak and the words are hard to lift from my mind to this page in any way worth telling. I need to stop telling myself that. Evolution is inevitable and I have been changed by this passing of time. I am fascinated with progress, with the slow steady growth of each individual. Sophistication, intelligence, ever shifting dreams and schemes. But there is always an essence that remains unchanged. The spirit which guides us to who we want to become through time and space. I am happy now. I've always been content, but pain would find me often. Wrong loves have long tortured me, and I was twisted in my belief that that was all I needed to ask from this world. Now that I have genuine whole happiness I can't remember that pain clearly, but I know it existed and shaped me into my present being. And I am thankful for the experiences and the context it has given me to which I can quantify my present state. All things considered things have never been better. Self reliant, no more parental disapproval, a job at a chocolate store, a quaint basement suite, a loving boyfriend of three years, a career path in place. I feel like all the pieces are laid out before me, all I must do is collect them and place them perfectly so.

Well, I've got to go to class now.


new bloggie

Hey guys!

I've started a new blog, greenthing eco, a place for all my tips and tricks for sustainable living!
It would be really great if you could check it out and subscribe, who knows you may just learn something :)


Essay on a whim?

People’s lack of responsibility in the face of global issues is distressing. The fact that one can throw their empty bottle of antifreeze out their window onto the street without feelings of guilt or regret makes me nervous. People may think that as long as no one’s there to stop them then it’s ok, but when every member of population are multiplying these actions, it becomes an exponential problem.

I want to live in a city where I don’t see twenty discarded coffee cups on my way home. I want to live where people are accountable for their actions. Where they care enough to carry their garbage to waste stations where they sort it into recyclable, compostable, and waste.  People need to be educated from the start of grade 1 that it’s important to do the right thing by the Earth. Teach them how to recycle, how to compost. Have a compost bin at each school where all the lunch waste gets put into a bin where it composts and is turned into fertilizer for the school’s community garden. We should give kids the opportunity to grow their own food, to familiarize them with the ways of nature, of sustaining one’s self. We must catch the children before they are consumed by consumerism, media and materials, and they stop caring for the Earth that grew them.
  I was raised on the wonders of this planet, with a love for all that grows and the intricacies of the interactions between plant and creature, decomposers and carnivores; Air water earth and fire feed this planet with everything it needs. But people today are too distracted by daily life, the perceived necessity of this wasteful society. There is no reason for this unsustainable existence. It’s just evolved this way, but that’s not to say it can’t keep evolving. Everything that lives is becoming better with each generation, and we as a society can evolve similarly. With increased knowledge and technologies, we can improve our waste management systems, our electric and water and food systems. The way we are headed as populations grow exponentially is unsustainable. We can’t keep pumping mass amounts of resources and energies into these huge masses of civilization we call cities. Globalization has greatly increased the necessity for fossil fuels in the transport of goods from across the world and back.
Why? Capitalism has created a twisted logic for its actions, with money being the main driver. Meanwhile we are depleting our resources, ripping up the Earth to search for oil to feed our machines, we are leaching all the nutrients from the soil and leaching toxic chemicals into groundwater,  decreasing the necessary biodiversity the earth has been slowly building for billions of years, thanks to massive mono-culture crops to feed the billions. Decreasing the crops’ ability to fight disease through variability, we've put our food at risk of mass destruction through bacterial or fungal warfare. So we instead we treat the symptoms, spraying the fields with mass amounts of chemical pesticides and herbicides, pumping our food with foreign molecules which will hurt us and everything it touches. But it’s justified through the search for the profit, pumping out mass quantities for the most money, throwing quality out the window.
I am not of the Apollonian way of mind, where one can be all mighty; all must be controlled, scientific, and specific. No I am Dionysian, I believe in the strength of many, biodiversity is the best defense against rampant destruction. The earth moves, always changing based on the multitude of changing factors, changing environment. We vie for control, trying to keep things static in an ever shifting world. We grasp to this way of life with everything we've got. When some natural power wipes out a crop, instead of planting something else that may fare better or plant a wider variety of crops so not everything would succumb, we try harder, use more chemicals, and grind the Earth into bending to our will. It’s not healthy. The more we bend her, the more tension she gains, the sooner she will snap back into place, the greater the damage that will occur when she rips free from our grasp, refusing to be tamed by our misguided aim to abuse her for a profit.


Oh Naturelle

We aren't going about this the right way.
This Earth is not a resource.
She is not a commodity.
She lives, she breathes,
she can feed us with her fruits yet we rip apart her flesh,
and drink her blood. Pump
her dry and leave her sighing.
Sometimes I think we are a virus
twisted around this globe,
a puerperal parasite feeding happily upon it's host.
Sometimes I'm disgusted with what humans have become.
Misanthropist by nature,
and so by nature I live.
Forests are my friends and each tree a sleepy soul.
Their groves are my heart's home, I live in the trees and they live in me.
I've never been one for society, not a fan of this humanity.

I've always been removed,

by some force that calls me back to the wild places.
I love in the spaces where many creatures live,
societies of my own.
No rules except that it's better to work together
than to compete for the limited resources.
These beings know the meanings of life.

I want to live in peace, making a living by making living more healthy and enjoyable.


playing with words

I'm trying to get back into words, back into the playful art of sentence sculpture.
We have a multitude of fridge magnet words, and it's incredible what you can piece together.

This is a mini poem, half fridge phrases half mind musings;

Give me a smile wind child, daughter of the moon
You slather the night with love, licking it fresh.
you are curious, naked, in full repose.
And to think. it took 3.5 billion years to build something as beautiful as you.
Love is an idea, shared between two to understand the self.
And I understand.

More to come as I fill my hat with momentous phrases.



Solitude is bliss

I'm in a funk.

Today I had time to kill so I visited my family, specifically my grandparents and my mother. To set the stage I'll need to give you some details on these people. My grandfather is 91, has Alzheimer's and mostly bumbles around the house and pretends he knows what's going on. My grandmother is 88, a chain smoker and a stubborn lady with a foul mouth. My mother is an alcoholic who is just as stubborn and just as foul mouthed as her mother. So needless to say the evening was far from enjoyable.
The issue as of late is that my grandmother doesn't like the cold climate of Calgary and wants to take her son, who is a multiple stroke victim with no use of most of his body living in a care home on Vancouver Island, down to Bellingham Washington. She owns a home down there which is currently rented out to students. So her plan is to rent a house there until her home is free in July. All she seems to care about is taking care of my uncle, even though he's a miserable human being who takes advantage of her. Now I believe she has the right to live the rest of her life whichever way she wants, and it's clear she isn't happy here. But my mother is adamant about her not leaving, for reasons I can merely speculate. I think she wants her parents close to her in their dying days, she wants control, and she doesn't want my grandmother to move away without a real plan and end up fucked, many miles away where she can't help.
And listening to them bicker all night was miserable. Watching two thick headed stubborn women bounce immature arguments back and forth and not being able to talk any sense into them is frustrating in the least.I mean, how do you tell them they're both wrong?
'Right' and 'wrong' are so subjective, and yet people only truly believe their own definitions. It makes life pretty difficult sometimes, and it tears people apart.
What got me down the worst was after leaving my grandparent's house and going to my parent's, my mom continued to drink and then went for a shower. I found her in her room later, crying, still wrapped in a towel and too drunk to walk. She told me she's been so unhappy the past month, and that she should die, she wishes she could just die, that someone would kill everyone, and her too. All she wanted to do was sleep and hope no nightmares come. I never know what to say to her so I just mumbled something, hugged her and asked her if she needed anything. She said no, so I left her with a heavy heart.
There's no easy fix. there's no happy ending. My family is screwed up and there's very little I can do.
I've moved out, living happily with my boyfriend and starting my own life. I'm happy and relatively care free, partly because I don't have to see the slow dissolution of my family every day. Part of me should feel guilty, but it doesn't. I make a decent effort to visit them weekly, and I've conceded long ago nothing I do will fix the problem. The best thing for my sanity is to just put all their issues away during the week, only taking them out when I'm visiting.

I don't know what the point of this blog was. Mostly just to let out my feelings and untangle the mess within my mind.
Thanks for listening.


elevating nature

It's been a while.

Christmas and new year's have come and gone, now I lay at the cusp of another semester at MRU. I foresee it going better than the last, but by no means amazing. My constant struggles with socializing and lack of interest in my colleagues will forever challenge my existence, but I always get by somehow.
Besides lackluster schooling other aspects of my life are peachy. This past weekend the band 36? hosted a collaborative art explosion to design the album art from multimedia contributions of anyone interested. AKA Me and my friends spent three days sitting on newspaper, painting, smoking joints, drawing, smoking weed, collage-ing, crocheting, and of course smoking marijuana. It was an intense experience, very enjoyable, and it let me use art as a form of expression which has been lacking in my life as of late. At the end of the three days of 'el3vatin6nature' sessions, four 6' x 6' wooden frames were filled with a crazy array of multimedia art; acrylic, water color, collage, yarn, even a guitar had been glued up. And on Sunday the band filmed a music video with the frames as a background. Me and my friends who weren't in the band stood  behind one of the 6' x 6's which had an empty picture frame, and did silly things during the performance. It was wonderful!
 I really need to surround myself with art consistently throughout my life to retain my sanity.