11.4.10

sadness is nothing more than the cost of being able to smile once and a while

I feel disillusioned. Unsure. Afraid. I guess the mask is slipping. The chemical imbalances are strong and they pull me under with greedy fingers. And I greedily comply. I hate how I'm so complicated. I hate confusing myself, and having no one to untie the knots of complexity. Just a neat little blanket to cover it all up. A beautiful distraction. I thought it would all go away. That I had found the cure. A vaccine instead of mere painkillers that make me turn a blind eye to something that continues regardless. But it was merely a speed bump. You are a rumble strip causing the vehicle of my mental unravelling to slow. The gas pedal pressure was relieved but the brake was left lonely. There is never any abrupt stop. Just transitions from one state of mind to the other. I played blissfully in your gardens but the rain is coming yet again as the foot comes back down crushing the pedal. And I'm frantically searching for some shelter. I want to crawl inside you and wrap myself in your skin next to the furnace of your heart that beats out a sweet lullaby and eases me into rest. But if I do that I'm afraid I'll need you too much. The fabric of my being will grow into the pores of your skin and when distances drive a wedge in the cracks of space between us I'll be ripped to pieces, torn between staying and leaving.
But let's not talk about faretheewells now, the night is a starry dome.
Lets just lay on the roof of your car and stare up from the ocean floor. waiting for the angler fish, who's light is the moon, to devour us. Maybe we'll end up like Jonas in the whale. Able to crawl out of this sludge that ,the world has laid upon us.
The vibrations of your energy cracks my foundation wrought in iron and falls away in rust. I'm left raw and skeletal yet light as a feather as the weight of my past is devoured in the light of your love. I think I'm delving too deep, diving in the shallows when the sign told me not to. I ram head first into you, trying to find something I don't have reason to believe is really there. It's not your fault, It's all mine. I don't know what makes me act the way I do. I wish to god I did. then I wouldn't have to run tracks in my mind writing things that gleam no conclusions.

I'm sorry for this. I'm sorry I keep saying I'm sorry. Dropping the word at every trivial and meaningless turn on the road.
Apology should grow like trees. only able to bear fruit if it's roots are planted in the soil of genuine sincerity.
But I am sorry.
I love you.

7.4.10

hey blue

I wonder where he is, where he will be, where we stand.

We leave our past behind so we can create our future.

The piano puts fourth its trickling voice, amazing how ten fingers and eighty eight keys can create something that pierces my soul so. White, black, white.

White, I love you.
You mix with anything. You are everything. You are undifferentiated and pure.
Your fields of pristine melt against my gentle hips.
You illuminate each dark corner of mine.
Once I thought I was darkness
Now I know I was only waiting for a light to show me the way inside.
I am an empty shell. Hold me close and you'll hear the song.
Really, it's all you and there is no ocean inside.
A mere blush of blood coursing with no way out.
And yet,
It sings to you, tells you what you want to hear
because you made it believe.
You picked it up, ground worn and empty,
And filled it with the rush of what it is to fly.
with the elation of the safety in your hands.

The subtle push of blood beneath your gentle skin
creates vibrations of energy
penetrating the gallery of my soul
and reverberates, multiplies and mixes me
constructive interference that grows,
grows,
grows.
each heartbeat a footstep
carrying you closer
Each breath perfecting the pitch
to the soundtrack of the wind
Until we are filled with it
Until I am seeping with a haunting melody
rolling like the sea.
Each breath drawing the waters up